If you are an Aspie in a Foreign Land. How do you cope??

[BlueSky Aozora]

@Mia That is so important. l left with such a appreciation that complete strangers welcomed me into their home and shared their customs with me. l say go to the museums, check out the Library, offer to help the community somehow. Learn the language or at least enough to get by. Have your SO give new words and new sentences once a week, keep a notebook. Then you will feel more in control when you go out. You only get one chance in life.

You must be such a wonderful person. You go out there to learn and even offer your help. How did you manage to get to that point? I mean, if there's an aspie in a foreign land, and feel anxious all the time, he maybe cant think of offering any help.. Did you feel anxious too, or are you open to mingle around since the beginning?

I like your ideas about that notebook and new words/sentence once a week. I found a useful language book which has my husband's language and my language. He seems to have a liking to that book, we read that almost every day, or at least every week. I hope we can converse much more in the language. Thanks!

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Try and get your spouse to move back to your original country. Then they are the fish out of water. Problem solved.

Seriously, if you can move your spouse might have less difficulty adapting. No cultural shift is going to be easy per se but in the long run perhaps more benefical for both of you.

Yes, I feel like that too.. I feel bad for him that he needs to move here (actually i'm asking about my husband). I know his language & lived in his country before so it'll be much if we live there.. I have a problem that I must live in my country, however, for the long run, i'm still thinking whether we should move to his country. Another move must be hard for him.. I don't know what to plan and do, since i'm alone in our planning because he has anxiety almost non-stop..

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

I live in a foreign land, with a language I don't understand, with customs I don't know, with no friends, nobody who understands me, with no support services.

That sounds a lot like what my husband is going through now. I hope you're okay...

I cope by dealing with it one day at a time, and I think many of us feel this way. Unfortunately, I live in the country where I was born and grew up.

I HAVE lived in several foreign countries over the years, and found it not much different than living at home. In some ways a little better; they tended to be a little more accommodating and friendlier than here.​

Cope by dealing with it one day at a time.. I guess that's the answer to most of our problems. Thanks! Respect to you, have been living in several foreign countries! How did you manage that? ..I wanted to ask that, but you already answered it: cope by dealing one at a time.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

I’d be outta there so fast...with or without the clueless hubby.

..That might be the better option... but that is sad at least for me..

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Been in a foreign country for years now, it's beautiful here, the public transportation is also good.
That being said, I'm having a difficult time, my spouse is NOT understanding, the language straight up irritates me, I am isolated and without friends. My spouse keeps telling me to leave when she knows full well I can't. ( I don't own a credit card to even buy a plane ticket to leave). Nor do I have friends to stay with every couple months or so when there is a blow-up.
On top of me being high functioning, we also have a low functioning son and that's a whole another issue. All in all, if it wasn't for him I'd have been long gone. I'd swim to Korea before staying one more day with my spouse if it we're an option.
My advice is think very, VERY, hard before you make any decisions about moving, otherwise you could be trapped like me.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry to make you share your painful memories.. I cant imagine, especially having a special-need child, combined with problems with spouse.. that must be really hard.

"That being said, I'm having a difficult time, my spouse is NOT understanding, the language straight up irritates me, I am isolated and without friends." - That sounds a lot like what my husband is going through..

I also feel guilty, i'm worried that my husband feel trapped like you do.. I'm trying to not make him feel like that, that's why I asked in this forum. Although I think he's feeling that..

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Thank you for sharing. I'm glad there're other aspies who survive in foreign land. I'm also got to know much better of how an aspie feel when living in a foreign land - which is, how my husband is feeling, probably similar to yours. I'm sorry if I made you feel tricked that actually I was asking about my husband not myself. I wanted to know POV of people in his shoes, so that I can understand better and help. Thank you very much for your wonderful advices, we'll try to experience new things slowly, dealing with it one at a time. And learn the language, although slowly, casually.. Even in a foreign land, I hope you will have a nice life too

 

[Aspychata]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry to make you share your painful memories.. I cant imagine, especially having a special-need child, combined with problems with spouse.. that must be really hard.

"That being said, I'm having a difficult time, my spouse is NOT understanding, the language straight up irritates me, I am isolated and without friends." - That sounds a lot like what my husband is going through..

I also feel guilty, i'm worried that my husband feel trapped like you do.. I'm trying to not make him feel like that, that's why I asked in this forum. Although I think he's feeling that..

There is no perfect answer, we just hope you can find a workable solution. l had very anxious moments, culture shock, feeling lost in Helsinki, when l couldn't even remember how to pronouce the town l lived in, lol. l had to take a train back to my town. Maybe because l was younger, l was open to embracing this. My parents were emotionally neglectful, so l found people accepted me which really helped my self-esteem. The language was incredibly difficult to learn, so l went to French class instead of Finnish class.

 

[Progster]

I like what you said, especially the last sentence. Actually i'm asking about my husband. It's nice to know that other aspies survived it too.

I'm concern that he's in a survival mode all the time, like you said. That must be very tiring. I try to cooperate when he wants to casually/lightly learn the language.

Other than that, i cant get him to do it. Drive to a park? He doesnt want to. He used to have everything around his vicinity in his hometown. Move to another place? I've been thinking about it, but wont another change be another burden to him? And i dont want that after we move, he still doesnt like the place.. I want to avoid that..

Idk, i mostly cant get him to go do something together with me anywhere..

He's always feel anxiety, thinking about his work.. He wants to forget it, but doesnt have any space in his mind to do something else. We watched videos at home, but he'll be bored of it after 30mins~1 hour.

I dont know how to help.

I assume your husband is NT?? I think that if he learns the language, he might feel connected and perhaps make friends, be able to talk more to his work colleagues and feel more connected and motivated. Perhaps find a teacher, or learn online. A little bit every day.

 

[Suzanne]

the language straight up irritates me,

I have the same issue. It annoys my hubby a lot, because I have not taken lessons nor learned it in school and yet, I can converse in the language to a certain point; enough for the people of this culture, to say that I am good.

I think the reason I dislike the language is because a lot of it, seems so pointless and deliberately set out to confuse and many of the land, find their language hard as well.

I wish I could get obsessed with it, because in no time, I probably could speak fluent.

Sorry, the reason my husband is frustrated with me, is because he sees that I could be a lot better, than I am.

 

[Mary Lyn]

Didn't thought of buying any, but hey maybe we could live better with a tv and a bike Thank you for the simple but brilliant ideas.

You are welcome. TV in a foreign language with English subtitles is great for picking up a language. Ususlly movies.

 

[Mary Lyn]

@Suzanne

It is unfair of you to put onto your husband in that way, in not going to French classes.

 

[Shamar]

That sounds a lot like what my husband is going through now. I hope you're okay...



Cope by dealing with it one day at a time.. I guess that's the answer to most of our problems. Thanks! Respect to you, have been living in several foreign countries! How did you manage that? ..I wanted to ask that, but you already answered it: cope by dealing one at a time.

As an exploration geologist, most of the places I went were.......not pleasant. Winters in the Canadian Arctic, summers in the Australian outback, New Guinea and north Borneo jungle. You either adapt and learn to live with it or die. I learned to live with it, but it was all better than being surrounded by people.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

There is no perfect answer, we just hope you can find a workable solution. l had very anxious moments, culture shock, feeling lost in Helsinki, when l couldn't even remember how to pronouce the town l lived in, lol. l had to take a train back to my town. Maybe because l was younger, l was open to embracing this. My parents were emotionally neglectful, so l found people accepted me which really helped my self-esteem. The language was incredibly difficult to learn, so l went to French class instead of Finnish class.

Thank you, Aspychata. Glad that you worked it out fine despite being through a lot.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

I assume your husband is NT?? I think that if he learns the language, he might feel connected and perhaps make friends, be able to talk more to his work colleagues and feel more connected and motivated. Perhaps find a teacher, or learn online. A little bit every day.

Sorry for being confusing. No, he's the aspie, in the foreign land. I was asking to understand him better. Your advice & experience are very helpful, thank you.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

I have the same issue. It annoys my hubby a lot, because I have not taken lessons nor learned it in school and yet, I can converse in the language to a certain point; enough for the people of this culture, to say that I am good.

I think the reason I dislike the language is because a lot of it, seems so pointless and deliberately set out to confuse and many of the land, find their language hard as well.

I wish I could get obsessed with it, because in no time, I probably could speak fluent.

Sorry, the reason my husband is frustrated with me, is because he sees that I could be a lot better, than I am.

Going to school is hard, learning something irritating is hard. But you could even converse in the language, that's not easy..

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

You are welcome. TV in a foreign language with English subtitles is great for picking up a language. Ususlly movies.

Alright, i'll try to find some. Thank you!

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

As an exploration geologist, most of the places I went were.......not pleasant. Winters in the Canadian Arctic, summers in the Australian outback, New Guinea and north Borneo jungle. You either adapt and learn to live with it or die. I learned to live with it, but it was all better than being surrounded by people.

Whoa.. You're amazing!

 

[paloftoon]

If you can't leave on your own to go back to your home country, you're stuck with wherever you are now. Make the best of it. www.meetup.com is an international website. Use that to try to help you find people with commonality in a sea of people with your country. Also, if you have smart phone access, learn how to use translate.google.com to get around for now.

As time goes on, learn the language more. Use Duo Lingo app if you can and/or other such things. Consider buying audio CDs and/or a book to learn some things about the language too.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

If you can't leave on your own to go back to your home country, you're stuck with wherever you are now. Make the best of it. www.meetup.com is an international website. Use that to try to help you find people with commonality in a sea of people with your country. Also, if you have smart phone access, learn how to use translate.google.com to get around for now.

As time goes on, learn the language more. Use Duo Lingo app if you can and/or other such things. Consider buying audio CDs and/or a book to learn some things about the language too.

Thank you very much for the nice suggestions. Actually I was asking for my husband, so I'll try to recommend these to him.

If you can't leave on your own to go back to your home country, you're stuck with wherever you are now. Make the best of it.

Oh my God, this is so true. But not sure how so he'll take this advice too.

By the way, are many introvert aspies comfortable with meetup? It's like meeting strangers, I don't know if he's ok. But I think, if it's on his own initiative, he's ok. But if I want to bring him to see somebody, it's usually not going well..

 

[paloftoon]

Thank you very much for the nice suggestions. Actually I was asking for my husband, so I'll try to recommend these to him.


Oh my God, this is so true. But not sure how so he'll take this advice too.

By the way, are many introvert aspies comfortable with meetup? It's like meeting strangers, I don't know if he's ok. But I think, if it's on his own initiative, he's ok. But if I want to bring him to see somebody, it's usually not going well..

So, then, don't bring him to see anybody. Give him the resources and tell him you can help transport him there if that is the case. Maybe give him ideas to leave a meetup if things get bad too. Like if it's not a good fit, then 15 minute max and then he leaves to ask for you to pick him up or something like that. You might be afraid that he won't try to use the time well and will just shell up and run. That is his issue, not yours.

But remember, don't do everything for him either. He needs to learn to be or build up to be at least somewhat self-sufficient. You deserve to have some of your own time and energy too unless what interests you is specifically only pleasing your husband no matter what.

All you can do is remind him that in life, sometimes we have to take risks and we have to deal with the consequences if they are not favorable. Even though that may be obvious, I think it still helps to remind ourselves of reality in the best way possible.

I'm personally more comfortable with meetup because you already know if some people will have common interest(s) to you or not since the groups are based on a specific interest or set of interests per se. That automatically gives each person a tool/resource to communicate with other people so that you feel less weird or just as weird as the people you are with. As such, joining a group online should still be used as a resource to meet people in-person sooner rather than later. If there's hesitation to meet in a public place from a group at the very least, look for another group(s) to join instead.

As the adage goes, you can lead a horse to water, but they are the ones whom have to drink it.