If you are an Aspie in a Foreign Land. How do you cope??

[BlueSky Aozora]

Hello, been wanting to ask this question for so long.

If, you move to a foreign country,
in which its level is 'poorer' than your own home country:

• with foreign languages that you don't know (everyday hearing your juniors in the office speaking loudly in the foreign language for hours! making you stress everyday. Cant communicate well when going to the shop. feel like cannot go anywhere);
• 
  
• with less beneficial transportation than what you're used to (poor public transportation -bus schedule unknown, not on time, not all places covered by public transportation. if driving - traffic jam for 1~2 hours for supposedly 30-min drive);
• 
  
• with less beneficial surrounding (you used to walk no walking/jogging path, no café to do work from laptop within walking distance, no interesting bookshop in walking distance)
• 
  
• with less satisfactory job than what you got in your own home country (you could only get 1/6 from the salary you got in your home country, and not much job in your field. if in your home country you'll already be promoted);
• 
  
• without friends;
  
• with a clueless imperfect spouse (native of that country though);

How do you cope? When can you adapt? How can your spouse help you? What do you wish?

Your opinion, answers, are very much appreciated! This will help me in finding my answers too. Please help. Thanks a lot!

 

[Progster]

I live in a foreign country. I cope by being my own person and doing my own thing, I kind of live in my own bubble apart from other people. I spend a lot of time online, at home, don't go out or socialise much. Being an Aspie basically. This is why some liken being on the spectrum to living in a foreign country with a different culture and language, different social norms. I survive being in another country just as I survive being an Aspie. I try to make the most of the circumstances I find myself in and with what I've got, rather than dwelling on what I haven't got. I'm in survival mode.

with foreign languages that you don't know (everyday hearing your juniors in the office speaking loudly in the foreign language for hours! making you stress everyday. Cant communicate well when going to the shop. feel like cannot go anywhere);

Learn the language. I would never feel comfortable about going to live in another country without having first learned the language.

Many of the problems you mentioned are fairly typical problems that one might face in any country, in particularly in a big city, and the solutions are also similar. The locals probably have similar issues. How do they cope? Move house to somewhere quieter, drive to a quiet place to walk if there is no place in your immediate vicinity, work for yourself and run your own business perhaps, perhaps an online business from home... the fact of the matter is, you can't change the whole of a country and its culture, so you need to find ways to adapt and ways to work round the problems as they present themselves. Look around you and make the most of whatever resources and possiblities are available to you.

 

[Suzanne]

I live in a foreign country and have done for 17 years and in truth, it has been a nightmare for me.

I suffered from agoraphobia in my country, but it is 100 times worse now.

But, despite the negatives, I can speak a little of the language ( and I never dreamed I could) and I was diagnosed in the country I live in and qualified to be acknowledged as disabled, which entitles me to help in the work force or aid finacially, depending on what is available to me to work in.

I have learned a lot by not living in my country and one is that no language is superior to another.

 

[Mary Lyn]

Watch tv to help pick up the language. Get a bike!

 

[Aspychata]

Lived in a foreign country for a year, the local language was so hard l started studying French instead . l was young enough that the local high school let come to Piano, French class but l talked to a couple of classes about America. It was so cold, l had to bike in the snow. Maybe being having AS helped me tremendously because l was content for the most part, however the family l lived with, one person was fluent in English. But l do remember the shopkeeper running away from me because of language. The funny part, Gypsy people thought l might gypsy because of my eyes and hair color but in the next country l went to, l didn't have that issue even though UK has many Gypsies.

 

[Mia]

How do you cope? When can you adapt? How can your spouse help you? What do you wish?

In the first place, you have to stop evaluating the country you live in presently, with the country you used to live in. When you do that, it creates true differences that seem insurmountable.

I. Show an interest in the languages being spoken, more exposure to it will eventually 'tune' your ear to the language. Develop a relationship with people there, offer to teach your language to them while they teach you theirs. You can do this at lunch, breaks, a little at a time.

II. During the commute, public or private, listen to local radio or read local papers if on public transportation. Use it as a means to learn the language or cultural practices and perceptions.

III. Look through the area for something interesting, park, shop, store, that appeals to you.

IV. Are there other advantages to this job that you should consider? Longer breaks, access to beautiful surroundings, peaceful less stressful way of life, kind people, fresh food.

V. Friends take time to make in new places.

VI. Ask him questions about his culture, learn from him, get him to teach you the language. Ask him to help you adapt, you can do this together.

 

[Aspychata]

@Mia That is so important. l left with such a appreciation that complete strangers welcomed me into their home and shared their customs with me. l say go to the museums, check out the Library, offer to help the community somehow. Learn the language or at least enough to get by. Have your SO give new words and new sentences once a week, keep a notebook. Then you will feel more in control when you go out. You only get one chance in life.

 

[Tom]

Try and get your spouse to move back to your original country. Then they are the fish out of water. Problem solved.

Seriously, if you can move your spouse might have less difficulty adapting. No cultural shift is going to be easy per se but in the long run perhaps more benefical for both of you.

 

[Shamar]

Hello, been wanting to ask this question for so long.

If, you move to a foreign country,
in which its level is 'poorer' than your own home country:

• with foreign languages that you don't know;
• 
  
• with less beneficial transportation than what you're used to;
• 
  
• with less beneficial surrounding
• 
  
• with less satisfactory job;
• 
  
• without friends;
  
• with a clueless imperfect spouse;

How do you cope? When can you adapt? How can your spouse help you? What do you wish?

Your opinion, answers, are very much appreciated! This will help me in finding my answers too. Please help. Thanks a lot!

I live in a foreign land, with a language I don't understand, with customs I don't know, with no friends, nobody who understands me, with no support services. I cope by dealing with it one day at a time, and I think many of us feel this way. Unfortunately, I live in the country where I was born and grew up.

I HAVE lived in several foreign countries over the years, and found it not much different than living at home. In some ways a little better; they tended to be a little more accommodating and friendlier than here.

 

[BraidedPony]

I’d be outta there so fast...with or without the clueless hubby.

 

[Major Tom]

Been in a foreign country for years now, it's beautiful here, the public transportation is also good.
That being said, I'm having a difficult time, my spouse is NOT understanding, the language straight up irritates me, I am isolated and without friends. My spouse keeps telling me to leave when she knows full well I can't. ( I don't own a credit card to even buy a plane ticket to leave). Nor do I have friends to stay with every couple months or so when there is a blow-up.
On top of me being high functioning, we also have a low functioning son and that's a whole another issue. All in all, if it wasn't for him I'd have been long gone. I'd swim to Korea before staying one more day with my spouse if it we're an option.
My advice is think very, VERY, hard before you make any decisions about moving, otherwise you could be trapped like me.

 

[Aspychata]

Been in a foreign country for years now, it's beautiful here, the public transportation is also good.
That being said, I'm having a difficult time, my spouse is NOT understanding, the language straight up irritates me, I am isolated and without friends. My spouse keeps telling me to leave when she knows full well I can't. ( I don't own a credit card to even buy a plane ticket to leave). Nor do I have friends to stay with every couple months or so when there is a blow-up.
On top of me being high functioning, we also have a low functioning son and that's a whole another issue. All in all, if it wasn't for him I'd have been long gone. I'd swim to Korea before staying one more day with my spouse if it we're an option.
My advice is think very, VERY, hard before you make any decisions about moving, otherwise you could be trapped like me.

l can relate, l stayed in a horrible relationship because of my daughter, the abuse she went through made me feel so bad, but l did find a excellent high school for her and that gave her courage and helped her with social awkwardness, it was a performing arts school and a lot of students struggled with the same issues.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and wonderful suggestion. I'm not sure whether I should reply one-by-one or reply to all like this.

It's reassuring to hear that there are many aspies who survive living in foreign countries. This gives me hope that we can do it too... hopefully..
By the way, if this is about your spouse, how would you help him/her..? Just wondering..

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

I live in a foreign country. I cope by being my own person and doing my own thing, I kind of live in my own bubble apart from other people. I spend a lot of time online, at home, don't go out or socialise much. Being an Aspie basically. This is why some liken being on the spectrum to living in a foreign country with a different culture and language, different social norms. I survive being in another country just as I survive being an Aspie. I try to make the most of the circumstances I find myself in and with what I've got, rather than dwelling on what I haven't got. I'm in survival mode.

Learn the language. I would never feel comfortable about going to live in another country without having first learned the language.

Many of the problems you mentioned are fairly typical problems that one might face in any country, in particularly in a big city, and the solutions are also similar. The locals probably have similar issues. How do they cope? Move house to somewhere quieter, drive to a quiet place to walk if there is no place in your immediate vicinity, work for yourself and run your own business perhaps, perhaps an online business from home... the fact of the matter is, you can't change the whole of a country and its culture, so you need to find ways to adapt and ways to work round the problems as they present themselves. Look around you and make the most of whatever resources and possiblities are available to you.

I like what you said, especially the last sentence. Actually i'm asking about my husband. It's nice to know that other aspies survived it too.

I'm concern that he's in a survival mode all the time, like you said. That must be very tiring. I try to cooperate when he wants to casually/lightly learn the language.

Other than that, i cant get him to do it. Drive to a park? He doesnt want to. He used to have everything around his vicinity in his hometown. Move to another place? I've been thinking about it, but wont another change be another burden to him? And i dont want that after we move, he still doesnt like the place.. I want to avoid that..

Idk, i mostly cant get him to go do something together with me anywhere..

He's always feel anxiety, thinking about his work.. He wants to forget it, but doesnt have any space in his mind to do something else. We watched videos at home, but he'll be bored of it after 30mins~1 hour.

I dont know how to help.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

In the first place, you have to stop evaluating the country you live in presently, with the country you used to live in. When you do that, it creates true differences that seem insurmountable.

I. Show an interest in the languages being spoken, more exposure to it will eventually 'tune' your ear to the language. Develop a relationship with people there, offer to teach your language to them while they teach you theirs. You can do this at lunch, breaks, a little at a time.

II. During the commute, public or private, listen to local radio or read local papers if on public transportation. Use it as a means to learn the language or cultural practices and perceptions.

III. Look through the area for something interesting, park, shop, store, that appeals to you.

IV. Are there other advantages to this job that you should consider? Longer breaks, access to beautiful surroundings, peaceful less stressful way of life, kind people, fresh food.

V. Friends take time to make in new places.

VI. Ask him questions about his culture, learn from him, get him to teach you the language. Ask him to help you adapt, you can do this together.

Thanks for the useful advice. I like it especially the first sentence. Actually i'm asking about my husband. Good to know how he might be feeling by asking people with similar experience.

About your first sentence, actually i was the one who worried whether he doesnt regret moving here.. And i constantly asked him, "..but your country is better! It has this & this.." when he actually didnt try to compare. He tried to be thankful & find the good in my country.

But since i asked him too much & has difficulty at work, he began to compare.. Stupid me. He always feel anxious about his work, and nobody understand his field of work, so he has nobody to talk to about it in detail. I dont know how to help him.

As per your suggestion, i try cooperating with him when he wants to casually/lightly learn about the language. The pace is so slow but better than nothing.

But i cant get him to do anything else. Going out, meeting relatives, etc to know my culture? In the beginning he seems ok but now he doesnt have any space in his mind to think about it. He has anxiety occupied in his mind almost all the time.

After work, we just go to have dinner nearby, and go back to home. At home, just play smartphone games, and i try to find him some videos that he might be interested in - not much. He feels boring to do that too; he prefers to go to a walk nearby, but there's nothing here. He doesnt want to drive to find a nearby park too (might be 20~30mins drive? Idk), just to take a walk - too much hassle.

Sorry for rambling. I dont know how to help him cope, other than converse with him sometimes using my language..

 

[Mia]

Sorry for rambling. I dont know how to help him cope, other than converse with him sometimes using my language..

He's going to have to adapt at his own pace. Eventually he might get bored and want to do more things.

Think that the only thing you can do is listen and slowly introduce something new, like visiting relatives, or a day on the weekend where you do something different.

It will take some time, it took my husband and myself years to adapt to where we live.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

He's going to have to adapt at his own pace. Eventually he might get bored and want to do more things.

Think that the only thing you can do is listen and slowly introduce something new, like visiting relatives, or a day on the weekend where you do something different.

It will take some time, it took my husband and myself years to adapt to where we live.

Thank you very much Mia, your advice is really, really helpful for us, it's such a blessing to hear from you. Alright, I will try slowly introduce new things, since I myself also not used to this area.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

I live in a foreign country and have done for 17 years and in truth, it has been a nightmare for me.

I suffered from agoraphobia in my country, but it is 100 times worse now.

But, despite the negatives, I can speak a little of the language ( and I never dreamed I could) and I was diagnosed in the country I live in and qualified to be acknowledged as disabled, which entitles me to help in the work force or aid finacially, depending on what is available to me to work in.

I have learned a lot by not living in my country and one is that no language is superior to another.

Thank you Suzanne. I learnt new stuffs from you. Didn't know about agoraphobia.. Respect to you; although you have worse agoraphobia, you managed to live there 17 years..! You even speak the language, and see the good part of your life. Your last sentence also taught me a valuable lesson.

Agoraphobia.. I hope i had not triggered that in my husband.. He started avoiding my family gatherings. Is that he start of agoraphobia? Despite that, I hope we all can survive much better and happier after this. At least we have a place we can call home (maybe).

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Watch tv to help pick up the language. Get a bike!

Didn't thought of buying any, but hey maybe we could live better with a tv and a bike Thank you for the simple but brilliant ideas.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Thank you for sharing your experience. Learning French, bike in the snow, being mistaken as one of them.. sounds like a tough but wonderful experiences.
And shopkeeper running away, that's funny XD Regarding that, I hope my husband can go to the shop with confidence too, without running away from the shopkeeper..

Maybe being having AS helped me tremendously because l was content for the most part

I feel like I could get that and couldn't get that at the same time.. content as in you don't need much, such as external relationships with others..?