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I would... If I Were...

... I would block your gut up worse than a tape worm.
If I was marooned on a desert island...
 
... I wouldn't be lying here wondering what to write.
If I was to mistake wasabi for avocado ...
 
I'd be foaming at the mouth.
If I poured a bucket of soapy frogs into your trousers .....
 
It would mean I'm enjoying the view from my house bus (I wish).
If I wore body paint in public ...
 
... I would have no idea what you just wrote, and therefore not reply.

If I was Jabba the Hutt ...
 
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