I can't let go of wanting a girlfriend

[Markness]

Out of curiosity, who told you this? Who said that?

Is it, uh... without using names, is this the individual we've talked about before?

Or was this someone else?

Was this recent?

It was someone who hated me on Wrong Planet.

 

[tree]

I don’t love it. I do it because I have to get my emotions out of my head.

It's not working.
Instead, you're prolonging the agony.

 

[Shaddock]

a therapist should help you detaching your fixation from the girlfriend topic and help you guiding your energy on everything else and that´s the most probable way to get a girlfriend. to not think about it too much and to focus on other things (first).

I have no idea, but maybe that fixation could be part of a obsessive-compulsive disorder? maybe it is totally wrong, but it came to mind.

I don´t mean that mean, but you´re so obsessed in wanting a girlfriend, that most women would be scared when she would find out that you are thinking so much about it. it would probably feel strange for her or she would get the impression that you would be an unstable person.

it´s nothing anyone should be ashamed of, but please go to a therapist and let him/her help you. I think you need professional help and I don´t think that answers here, no matter how good they are, are enough or can replace a therapy. and maybe you have to search a while until you find the right therapist for you. maybe tell your parents that you need professional help and if they could help you finding a therapist.

and tell him that you are totally fixated on the girlfriend topic and you barely can think of anything else (if this is true).

I also went to a therapist, because I realized that I can not change my situation on my own (not as much as I want) and that I stuck in my problems too.

and you need luck too find a good therapist, but when you are talking with someone, you can say in the beginning "I feel really bad", "I really need help", "I think I can not do this without a therapy." that you can be a bit claiming and asking for help. I think every good therapist would attend to you and give his best to help you.

but he can only help you, if you work on your own and in the therapy. otherwise even a therapist couldn´t help you.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

a therapist should help you detaching your fixation from the girlfriend topic and help you guiding your energy on everything else and that´s the most probable way to get a girlfriend. to not think about it too much and to focus on other things (first).

I have no idea, but maybe that fixation could be part of a obsessive-compulsive disorder? maybe it is totally wrong, but it came to mind.

I don´t mean that mean, but you´re so obsessed in wanting a girlfriend, that most women would be scared when she would find out that you are thinking so much about it. it would probably feel strange for her or she would get the impression that you would be an unstable person.

Such an obsession is a red flag that somebody may become too compulsively clingy and controlling. That will scare many women.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Don't worry about trying hard. Love will find you. It'll fall into your life one day and surprise you. It's not this thing that happens when you're trying really hard. It's more of a thing where you meet someone by chance, and you just click.

It's not a cheesy "Hey ladies, are you available?" type thing, that people try for. Real love happens by accident.

Make sure everywhere you go, practice good grooming, and be polite, yet assertive/ confident. Open doors for women, children, and elders. Grab stuff off high shelves for ladies at the store. Say stuff like "Let me get that for you". And smile.

If a man likes a woman, often he makes assertive eye contact with her. And you'll know a girl likes you, because she will look away a little bit, in a shy way. Learn nonverbal cues. A lot of us brush right past people who have true affection for us because we don't recognize the signs.

Good luck.

 

[Shaddock]

Such an obsession is a red flag that somebody may become too compulsively clingy and controlling. That will scare many women.

I hugged a woman repeatedly many years ago, we were no couple, but friends or something similar. in the beginning she liked it and found that cute, but over the time I think it was too much for her and she distanced her from myself and silently broke up with me. I not realized it while we had contact. she also never said anything, but I think you have to work to realize such things on your own, even when you have problems with that, espcially as an autist. I think I was too clingy and sticky for her.

Don't worry about trying hard. Love will find you.

lol I first read "Loren will find you" haha : D

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Don't worry about trying hard. Love will find you. It'll fall into your life one day and surprise you. It's not this thing that happens when you're trying really hard. It's more of a thing where you meet someone by chance, and you just click.

It's not a cheesy "Hey ladies, are you available?" type thing, that people try for. Real love happens by accident.

Make sure everywhere you go, practice good grooming, and be polite, yet assertive/ confident. Open doors for women, children, and elders. Grab stuff off high shelves for ladies at the store. Say stuff like "Let me get that for you". And smile.

If a man likes a woman, often he makes assertive eye contact with her. And you'll know a girl likes you, because she will look away a little bit, in a shy way. Learn nonverbal cues. A lot of us brush right past people who have true affection for us because we don't recognize the signs.

Good luck.

@Yeshuasdaughter , you know my tale of meeting my spouse when I called her to see if she would like to car pool to a trip. I don't know precisely what I was thinking except I thought it would be nice to share the experience with a woman. The furthest thing on my mind was starting a relationship from 291 miles away so I thought it would be safe for a one-off encounter with no expectation other than good company. Little did I know. After that I ended up putting on a lot of miles visiting.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

A lot of people are pulling for you here, even many female members, every body deserves too be happy.

 

[Markness]

It's not working.
Instead, you're prolonging the agony.

It’s hard for me to not think about it when I constantly see couples everywhere I go in this culture I live in.

 

[tree]

It’s hard for me to not think about it when I constantly see couples everywhere I go in this culture I live in.

Try telling yourself something different when you see them.

Instead of *OMG I'm so alone, will I never find love, I haven't yet, that means most likely I'll die alone*...
try a different focus.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

It’s hard for me to not think about it when I constantly see couples everywhere I go in this culture I live in.

And what are you doing to alleviate that? Since I have been here I have seen you get all sorts of valuable advice, which you rarely countenance. I fear that you have become a prisoner of your learned helplessness, and until you change yourself you are in the cage of habits that prevent your success.

I was guilty of learned helplessness, and it did not survive the reality of my living on my own.

 

[AprilR]

I agree that it might be helpful to talk about this topic at therapy. It feels like you think you are worthless without a relationship.

Even if you were to get in a relationship there is no guarantee that this person will stay with you forever, or it might become a toxic relationship also.

And even if you do end up with someone you really love, and you don't break up they might die before you. My point is, you can't make someone else the center of your universe. It is okay to value yourself as a person even if you don't have a relationship, in fact it is necessary

 

[Aspychata]

I take what people tell me to do and do the opposite. My father told me my dream of going to Europe would never happen. I was a teenager in high school. I decided to show him it would happen. So l thank him for being a jerk. I went to Europe right after high school for a year and loved it.

I babysat to get money together for airflight. Didn't have much money, but l went. When l came back, somebody asked me to do a speech on it to a group of people.

So go extreme, cast your net far. Take a weekend and volunteer at the rescue center. Lots of woman love to help animals in distress. Or run a reading group on the weekend at your library of books to read and discuss.

 

[Markness]

As a guy I think this is good advice. Animals. My yorkie attracted women like crazy. She attracted more women than 20 year old Johnny Depp. And you should help animals anyway, so you get to do something good and hang out with animals and you might meet someone.

Liking animals got me bullied and considered boring instead of liked. Volunteering, in my experience, has never lead to making even friends.

Having a cat has never lead to a date nor did having a French bulldog puppy that’s no longer around.

I can’t start a reading group at the library even if I wanted to. There are already book clubs that cater to certain demographics so there is no room for more and I’ve honestly lost my passion for reading.

 

[tree]

Have you never volunteered for the joy of it?
Rather than for what perks you might gain from it?

I don't know why "having a cat" would lead to a date, anyway.
Cats typically stay home. Who would know that you had a cat,
unless you mentioned it? And that would be an instance of
socializing, if you had conversations about the cat and what it
did.

Seeing a dog frequently leads to minor interactions for me.
Smiling at the dog, getting permission from the human to
interact with the dog, offering the back of my hand to sniff.
Speaking to the dog, telling it complementary things in
a calm voice. People enjoy other people enjoying seeing
their pets.

I don't have a dog. I am not very doggy. If I see an individual
that is appealing, standing still to admire and maybe speak
with the owners happens. Happiness multiplies.

 

[Aspychata]

Liking animals got me bullied and considered boring instead of liked. Volunteering, in my experience, has never lead to making even friends.

Having a cat has never lead to a date nor did having a French bulldog puppy that’s no longer around.

I can’t start a reading group at the library even if I wanted to. There are already book clubs that cater to certain demographics so there is no room for more and I’ve honestly lost my passion for reading.

When you lose passion for things, this is the energy you give off, and woman aren't seduced by this.

 

[Markness]

Have you never volunteered for the joy of it?
Rather than for what perks you might gain from it?

I don't know why "having a cat" would lead to a date, anyway.
Cats typically stay home. Who would know that you had a cat,
unless you mentioned it? And that would be an instance of
socializing, if you had conversations about the cat and what it
did.

Seeing a dog frequently leads to minor interactions for me.
Smiling at the dog, getting permission from the human to
interact with the dog, offering the back of my hand to sniff.
Speaking to the dog, telling it complementary things in
a calm voice. People enjoy other people enjoying seeing
their pets.

I don't have a dog. I am not very doggy. If I see an individual
that is appealing, standing still to admire and maybe speak
with the owners happens. Happiness multiplies.

Volunteering has always been presented to me as a way to gain experience for skills and interact socially. It’s never been framed as something enjoyable for the sake of it.

 

[Markness]

When you lose passion for things, this is the energy you give off, and woman aren't seduced by this.

How can I re-gain the passion without losing it all over again?

 

[tree]

Volunteering has always been presented to me as a way to gain experience for skills and interact socially. It’s never been framed as something enjoyable for the sake of it.

Try it.


What would be fun to do?

 

[Magna]

Mission accomplished?