I am lost...boyfriend with spectrum and too many questions

[Lena_131309]

IS that love or duty. I am not trying to be cold and analytical here - but more drawing on my experience and trying to pass that on.

I don’t know, I know he truly cares about them so I guess it’s rather natural for him.

That may not be too hard. he is not focussing on HIS feelings, but focussing on you. This is good for the relationship and you will feel validated, but where is he really in himself.

I cannot answer that question. I believe (or I want to believe) that he is also focusing on his needs, I would not like him to compromise on his own needs because of focusing only on mine.

sounds like you judged well in deciding when to take your foot off the pedal and not drive things more. Good.

It was rather more to check if he is sitting in my passenger seat and wants to drive in the same direction, rather than taking my foot off the pedal. I have read few stories here that people were in hookup / friends with benefits relations for a long time, and, due to the lack of communication, they were actually not fully aware of it. I wanted to avoid that misunderstanding, for both of us, so this discussion was definitely required.

I am glad he realised his limitations and was able to verbalise that with you. This sounds like a good place for him to be, and also for you to be in relationship with him.

I hope it’s a good place for him to be, he seems so fragile sometimes that I am really afraid I could easily hurt him...it’s difficult.

However, in posting my replies I am basing things on my experience of life and only recently coming to a diagnosis myself, so if I am wrong in what I am saying go with your gut.

That’s perfectly fine and I really appreciate that! We all share our opinions to the best possible extent, even though they are based “only” on our own experiences...that’s natural and very valuable, I don’t have any experience in relationship with AS partner, so any clue or advise I can get, helps me a lot.

 

[Alexej]

.. I would not like him to compromise on his own needs because of focusing only on mine.

It may be that it is not him compromising on his needs, but that he just is more comfortable focussing on your needs. In effect this means that he is not paying due attention to his needs.

I have just read this article and found it helpful
Neurotypicals in Love: Why Do They Do That? | The Mental Health Blog

yes it may be that he is not aware of what is going on for him, however you are able to press him, loving, to tell you what is going on. He may not have the language that you have, but help him to learn. Give him time, but also do not allow him to avoid the question. Your love can help him recognised and verbalise what is going on internally; and have the confidence to say it - to put it out there.

I hope it’s a good place for him to be, he seems so fragile sometimes that I am really afraid I could easily hurt him...it’s difficult.

You only know what lies behind the fragility here. Is it that he is unable to express his feelings? (you dont need to answer that one)

I don’t have any experience in relationship with AS partner, so any clue or advise I can get, helps me a lot.

Hope the article helps a bit

 

[Varzar]

There's a book my wife and I found helpful called "The Asperger Couple's Workbook" by Maxine Aston..

We read it and did the activities in the book together.. It mostly helped in the way that it allowed us both to learn more about how each other thinks about relationship things.. It seems like this is where a lot of your & his struggles are at the moment, so perhaps it would be a useful book for you two as well..

Among other things in the book, we discovered my wife has "no better than chance" odds of reading my tone of voice as I intended it..

 

[Lena_131309]

It may be that it is not him compromising on his needs, but that he just is more comfortable focussing on your needs. In effect this means that he is not paying due attention to his needs.

I have just read this article and found it helpful
Neurotypicals in Love: Why Do They Do That? | The Mental Health Blog

I have read it and indeed it is a very interesting perspective, I may show it to him one day However, I think that even now he has pretty good understanding of the "other" side (NT) perspective.

yes it may be that he is not aware of what is going on for him, however you are able to press him, loving, to tell you what is going on. He may not have the language that you have, but help him to learn. Give him time, but also do not allow him to avoid the question. Your love can help him recognised and verbalise what is going on internally; and have the confidence to say it - to put it out there.

Could you explain that to me a bit more? Do you think that my direct questions can "help" him to understand what he feels towards me? Do you think he will be ever able to somehow structure / name those emotions for himself? I was rather afraid that those questions will make him feel "pushed" and instead of helping him, they would rather make him more distanced and shut down. I think that our last (and in the same time, first in this topic) conversation would pretty much reflect what you wrote. When I asked him directly, what his approach to what is between us was, he immediately turned the question and asked what my approach was first. Maybe he just wanted to know first, what I feel or maybe he was just not able to name his feelings and he needed me to answer first and use them as a reference...I do not know. I felt a bit unfair towards him, as my assumption (which I unfortunately shared with him), that "maybe" he was not treating "us" as a relationship, but more as a hookup, made him react in a concerned and puzzled way, like he would completely not understand what he did that would made me think that way...

You only know what lies behind the fragility here. Is it that he is unable to express his feelings? (you dont need to answer that one)

I believe the above example explains that to some extent. I am always overthinking things and coming to conclusions very fast (most of the time rather negative ones, as a defence reaction), so for example, I made very fast assumption that because we are mostly meeting in his place and our time spent together is very much dominated by being in bed, he has to treat as as hookup/fwb option. And then, when I told him about that, his reaction made me realise immediately that I can so easily "hurt" him with such a false "accusations". He was trying immediately to "defend" himself, explaining me that this is completely new situation for him, and that he has never experienced "love" before and that, in his situation, it is very difficult to manage what is happening, and I felt so sorry for him, as he just seemed as a child that is trying his best and still, it is not appreciated...I apologised him for that, but still I feel bad about it. And then he mentioned his desire to have kids one day (he didn't said explicitly that he would like to have them with me), but, as it was an answer to my question, what would be his approach, in case I would get pregnant (unplanned), I could come to the conclusion that he would not have anything against fulfilling this desire with me. My, completely spontaneous, and honest in that moment answer was, that I am really afraid of getting pregnant again (due to my first pregnancy complications) and that I am not sure if I would consider that again. I am not sure if he didn't take it too direct and obvious that I would not be happy about that. He even asked, why I asked him what would be his approach to unplanned pregnancy, if I have already make up my mind that I would not keep it...

 

[Lena_131309]

There's a book my wife and I found helpful called "The Asperger Couple's Workbook" by Maxine Aston..

We read it and did the activities in the book together.. It mostly helped in the way that it allowed us both to learn more about how each other thinks about relationship things.. It seems like this is where a lot of your & his struggles are at the moment, so perhaps it would be a useful book for you two as well..

Among other things in the book, we discovered my wife has "no better than chance" odds of reading my tone of voice as I intended it..

Thank you very much for the title, I will definitely have a look on it

 

[Alexej]

I have not replied before, since your questions are excellent, but hard for me to articulate my responses.

Could you explain that to me a bit more? Do you think that my direct questions can "help" him to understand what he feels towards me? Do you think he will be ever able to somehow structure / name those emotions for himself? I was rather afraid that those questions will make him feel "pushed" and instead of helping him, they would rather make him more distanced and shut down. I think that our last (and in the same time, first in this topic) conversation would pretty much reflect what you wrote. When I asked him directly, what his approach to what is between us was, he immediately turned the question and asked what my approach was first. Maybe he just wanted to know first, what I feel or maybe he was just not able to name his feelings and he needed me to answer first and use them as a reference...I do not know. I felt a bit unfair towards him, as my assumption (which I unfortunately shared with him), that "maybe" he was not treating "us" as a relationship, but more as a hookup, made him react in a concerned and puzzled way, like he would completely not understand what he did that would made me think that way...

Firstly let me give a caveat, that as a Aspie with alexithymia I am probably not the right person to give you guidance on relationship issues. I am newly diagnosed and still coming to terms with what this all means, for me and my wife, and I still have a lot to learn. Looking the book that @Varzar mentioned seems like a good place to go ( I have not read it myself)

In the context of the relationship you have you will be talking of all kinds of things, life, love and the state of the world. In this context bring the subject back round to your last meeting. Ask him what was going on there for him, asking with genuine concern and interest. Tell him that is it is important for you to know what was going on for him, since you see this as a serious relationship and you knowing how it was for him is important for you. Let him know that his opinion and his experience is what you want to hear. I suspect that you have shared how you feel, and probably done so quite eloquently having got a much better understanding of and ability to name your feelings. As he speaks listen deeply, try not to finish his sentences or paragraphs, listen affirmatively. Give him the space and affirm what he is able to say encouraging him to put it out there.

 

[Alexej]

I felt a bit unfair towards him, as my assumption (which I unfortunately shared with him), that "maybe" he was not treating "us" as a relationship, but more as a hookup, made him react in a concerned and puzzled way, like he would completely not understand what he did that would made me think that way...

My reading of this is that he does see more in "you" than a hookup, but is either not aware of it or has not acknowledged that himself yet.

 

[Alexej]

.. I am always overthinking things and coming to conclusions very fast (most of the time rather negative ones, as a defence reaction)

this sounds very typical of NTs - as the article I referenced said.

I found this youtube recently - passing it on FYI. Does your boyfriend recognise that he might be autistic? (I cant remember if you have said)

This is a link to the alexithymia test I have used
Alexithymia Online - Emotional Blindness • Alexithymia

There is also an attachment to this post with a feeling chart - have a look and see if it any use to you.

his reaction made me realise immediately that I can so easily "hurt" him with such a false "accusations". He was trying immediately to "defend" himself, explaining me that this is completely new situation for him, and that he has never experienced "love" before and that, in his situation, it is very difficult to manage what is happening, and I felt so sorry for him, as he just seemed as a child that is trying his best and still, it is not appreciated....

It sounds like it is all new territory to him (and you) and you are exploring this together, in each other's company.

.And then he mentioned his desire to have kids one day (he didn't said explicitly that he would like to have them with me), but, as it was an answer to my question, what would be his approach, in case I would get pregnant (unplanned), I could come to the conclusion that he would not have anything against fulfilling this desire with me. My, completely spontaneous, and honest in that moment answer was, that I am really afraid of getting pregnant again (due to my first pregnancy complications) and that I am not sure if I would consider that again. I am not sure if he didn't take it too direct and obvious that I would not be happy about that. He even asked, why I asked him what would be his approach to unplanned pregnancy, if I have already make up my mind that I would not keep it...

Here we are into another realm completely, since if you are talking of having kids there are lots of issues about your relationship that would be good to work out and have agreed first - but that is for you and him.

However, in relationship to him, and his willingness to have kids you might want to explore the issue you touched on "he didn't said explicitly that he would like to have them with me".


I hope this helps somewhat, and if it is just me waffling, forgive me.

 

[Lena_131309]

I have not replied before, since your questions are excellent, but hard for me to articulate my responses.



Firstly let me give a caveat, that as a Aspie with alexithymia I am probably not the right person to give you guidance on relationship issues. I am newly diagnosed and still coming to terms with what this all means, for me and my wife, and I still have a lot to learn. Looking the book that @Varzar mentioned seems like a good place to go ( I have not read it myself)

In the context of the relationship you have you will be talking of all kinds of things, life, love and the state of the world. In this context bring the subject back round to your last meeting. Ask him what was going on there for him, asking with genuine concern and interest. Tell him that is it is important for you to know what was going on for him, since you see this as a serious relationship and you knowing how it was for him is important for you. Let him know that his opinion and his experience is what you want to hear. I suspect that you have shared how you feel, and probably done so quite eloquently having got a much better understanding of and ability to name your feelings. As he speaks listen deeply, try not to finish his sentences or paragraphs, listen affirmatively. Give him the space and affirm what he is able to say encouraging him to put it out there.

Thank you very much Alexej again, I really appreciate that you try to answer my questions. You seem to be a great person and I hope you will find your way in the new situation, for yourself and your wife.

It is very important for me to know, what is "going on there" for him, but, as I've learnt recently, it is easier for him to "show me" that, rather to discuss that and answer my direct questions. Last weekend we were in cinema, together with our common friend, and he seemed to be so relaxed, that I've never seen him like that before....He was joking with me all the time, looking at me in a very special way while I was talking (which means all the time, as I talk a lot!) and even giving me some small gift for the international women's day while we were all 3 waiting for the movie. While watching the advertisement for the new movies, he was asking me which of them we should see together and so on...It was very nice evening and it gave me hope that maybe one day he will feel comfortable enough with us being "us" also in places different than his apartment...

Next friday we were both invited for a dinner (by this common friend of ours and his partner) and he gladly confirmed, so I guess we will have sort of "double date". I think that means really a lot, as I know how much effort it requires from him to be with me like that, so I guess I will rather focus on him "showing me" what he feels and how he feels about me, rather than "forcing" him to name those emotions.

 

[Alexej]

...as I know how much effort it requires from him to be with me like that, so I guess I will rather focus on him "showing me" what he feels and how he feels about me, rather than "forcing" him to name those emotions.

I like the approach, as a step to being conscious of the name that goes with what he feels inside (or experiences things going on inside and learns what most people call that)

..I really appreciate that you try to answer my questions..

Thank you also for the questions, for they have helped me clarify things in my own mind. I suppose that is part of how I work, and how I learn - trying to explain to others.

 

[Alexej]

Jut a postscript - based on my experience.

When it came to the time for me and my girlfriend to move our relationship from friends to engaged I came unstuck because I was unable to know and identify definitely that it was her I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. Not know ing this has caused all kinds of problems in our relatiionship over the years.

I, as the Aspie, just could not identify what it was that was necessary to make that committment.


So, for you @Lena_131309 you might want to think about your relationship in this light, taking a much longer view than FWB, and have the conversations with yourself and your boyfriend.

 

[Lena_131309]

I like the approach, as a step to being conscious of the name that goes with what he feels inside (or experiences things going on inside and learns what most people call that)

Thank you also for the questions, for they have helped me clarify things in my own mind. I suppose that is part of how I work, and how I learn - trying to explain to others.

Then I am really happy I could help you as well Your advises definitely helped me to understand the whole situation.

 

[Lena_131309]

Jut a postscript - based on my experience.

When it came to the time for me and my girlfriend to move our relationship from friends to engaged I came unstuck because I was unable to know and identify definitely that it was her I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. Not know ing this has caused all kinds of problems in our relatiionship over the years.

I, as the Aspie, just could not identify what it was that was necessary to make that committment.


So, for you @Lena_131309 you might want to think about your relationship in this light, taking a much longer view than FWB, and have the conversations with yourself and your boyfriend.

I think we are still on a very early stage of our relationship, so, I guess for both of us, it would be very difficult to plan anything in a long-term perspective. The "things" between us are moving very slowly (in comparison to the previous NT relationships I had in my life) and I actually appreciate that very much as it allows me to get some distance to my thoughts and not make any "rushed" decisions. To be honest I am a bit passive (which may be actually not good solution) in moving the things further, leaving most of the initiatives to him...It is difficult, as I do not really know how to move in the new area for me and I have the approach to rather not propose anything than make him feel uncomfortable. Fortunately we have this common friend (that is not aware of the spectrum) that is proposing common activities, otherwise I do not think I would be brave enough to take the initiative.

I did it once, when I initiated the discussion between us, and to be honest it was so stressful for me, that I am not sure if I would do it for the second time...I was afraid what he could respond (in my darkest imagination he was saying that he is actually not treating the things between us seriously) and that made me very anxious...It is difficult for me to simply overcome the idea of not taking personally his, very often, not obvious moves, and even though he seems to "show" me all the time that he cares, I am still not confident enough in what is going on....I guess that's the most tricky part of the whole NT-AS relationship, at least for me.

When it comes to the engagement, marriage and all the aspects related to that, I am not really putting any importance to that. We live in big German city and to be honest, most of the people here get married because of the tax related reasons ;-) I think that marriage papers do not define the seriousness of the relationship, I obviously respect other choice to do that, but I am perfectly fine of being in a relationship without marriage.

I guess we made already pretty good progress over the last 3 months, starting from meeting only on an official dates (cinema, dinner etc.), then including meetings in his place and spending time together for many many hours and now starting to meet other people that will obviously know that there is something going on between us (like our common friend did last weekend, going for a movie with us). It's a bit funny but from both of us, he is, I guess, the one that "shows" more about us being together to the "outside" world, than me...Nothing obvious like holding hands or anything like that, but for example giving me gift in front of our friend...I do not really know how "much" he wants everyone else to know, and that is a bit holding me back...but this could also make him holding back as well, it's a vicious circle