I am lost...boyfriend with spectrum and too many questions

[Lena_131309]

Hi Lena. Welcome.

Based on everything you have mentioned, it seems he may simply have difficulty in some aspects of processing emotions. You, perhaps, provoke emotions in him that he is either, not as familiar with, or, could be unsure how to manage. He may become anxious when you act in certain ways, even if your sentiments, behaviors would seem perfectly acceptable, normal. If processing emotions is difficult for him in certain ways, coupled with the immense focus on not making any mistakes, as you mentioned, and possibly worrying he could compromise your friendship/relationship, he, likely, may find relief in spending less time with you, in comparison to the time he spends with friends whom don't provoke the same level, or type of emotion within him, that you happen to.

But, you are doing nothing wrong, and it is lovely that you want to respect his needs. He may simply need extensive time to feel at ease with you and with the emotions he may be experiencing. On the other side of the coin, if you feel discontented, or uneasy, in that he has told you that he doesn't want to be committed, I would consider the possible ramifications of that, and take care of yourself and your emotions/ if possible, refrain from becoming too emotionally invested, just yet - as hard as that can be to control within one's heart.

I hope things pan out for the best, whatever that might entail. You may already have awareness of what alexithymia is, but, if not, I would suggest reading about it, as it could very well help you to gain more perspective, ease your mind, and have a positive impact on your friendship/ relationship, should it happen that emotion processing is in fact, part of the equation. All the best to you.

Thank you very much Loren and the sane to you I believe I didn’t make the part about the commitment clear enough in my previous post, apologies for that. These are my words I said one or two times when we were meeting with common friends before we started seeing each other on a different level. I said that I’m not sure if regular relationships are something I would again consider as an option for me (having experience in them). We have never talked about what is between us in a direct way, except showing obvious affection to each other in non-verbal way. He tries to give me small hints (or I want to believe he does) by saying that he has much more motivation to go to the gym regularly and eat healthy since he started seeing me, or just watching a documentary about different aspects of love and smiling to me and looking in my eyes when there is a part about how looking in the eyes is important to fall in love with each other. I don’t even know if my interpretation of that situations is correct, as I have said, we have never talked about it directly.

When it comes to the new sensations he is experiencing while being with me, and how overloading it can be for him, I think you may be right. I asked him once how does it work that kissing and holding hands seems so difficult for him and when I stay in his place and he wakes up during the night, the first thing he does is searching for me and grabbing me in his arms. He is really cuddly and is definitely the one initiating any sort of physical contact (when we are alone, and mostly in the bed), completely different when we are in public. His reply was that he really enjoys that and finds a pleasure in that, but he could not do that every day. That it would be too much for him.

I guess the meetings / dates with me are very exhausting, both mentally and physically for both of us. Whenever we meet we try to get as much as possible from the limited time we have, but this comes with a huge cost of being simply exhausted. I’m exhausted, so I cannot even imagine how exhausted he is. On the top of it, he is sleeping very bad, and I know that it’s also partly my fault. He said that it’s difficult for him to sleep as he is excited that I’m there. I even proposed few times that I could just take a cab back home, around midnight, that he would get proper amount of sleep, but he clearly didn’t like the idea. So I’m staying and we are both tired.

I would also agree with your comment about the difference in spending time with his friends and myself. They know each other since many years, work together and I’m sure their behavior towards him is something he is much more familiar with, and therefore easier to cope with. He has his routines with them, they usually spend time in a similar way, either playing games or just talking. Although, it seems that he becomes more and more relaxed when he is with me, at least I hope so.

 

[Lena_131309]

Most likely. Consider it an enormous compliment.

For many of us, it's quite a step outside of our comfort zone to pursue a relationship with someone we're really attracted to, for whatever reasons.

I know and I really try to appreciate that.

 

[Lena_131309]

Lena,

I have some of the same issues that you mentioned, not being physically expressive all the time. However, I have been married the past 28 years for whatever that is worth. I have also had a generally successful career, and have been continuously employed the past 34 years. So, relationships between an NT (someone like yourself) and someone on the spectrum can work if you understand each other and you love each other. Now one possible difference is that I did not know I was on the spectrum until last month when I was diagnosed at the somewhat mature age of 61. My wife thought I was somewhat eccentric, and often commented that I was overly rational or logical, and did not show empathy. However, I love my wife, and know that she loves me. Why else would she have put up with me the past 28 years?

The fact that your boyfriend shared his ASD status with you indicates that you mean more to him than just a friend with benefits.The strain you both feel is probably because neither of you has taken the lead in having an intimate (personal) discussion about how you each feel about the other, how you can be more understanding of him, and what you need in terms of emotional support from him. Beyond this, I don't know what advice I could offer.

My experience is that relationships such as yours can work, but it may take time for you to feel emotionally close. Also, it is not without ongoing challenges. I hope this helps.

Dear Rasputin, thank you very much for your lovely answer. It all makes sense to me and I know that you are right in what you try to tell me. The fact is that it is also very difficult for us, despite nit being on spectrum, to talk directly about our feelings and what is happening between us. I would not feel comfortable to start that kind of discussion on such an early stage, after meeting him for few weeks only. I would also not feel comfortable with putting him in that kind of “direct discussion” situation, being afraid that he would not cope with that easily. I think we both need a bit more time to somehow make it clear for ourselves and structure it in our differently wired minds...I don’t think he would be so keen to see me, be honest with me and put so much effort into what is going between us, if the only thing he would care about was the pure physical interaction. At least I hope that’s the case.

All the best for you and your amazing wife, and thank you very much once again for your time and thoughts.

 

[Rasputin]

Dear Rasputin, thank you very much for your lovely answer. It all makes sense to me and I know that you are right in what you try to tell me. The fact is that it is also very difficult for us, despite nit being on spectrum, to talk directly about our feelings and what is happening between us. I would not feel comfortable to start that kind of discussion on such an early stage, after meeting him for few weeks only. I would also not feel comfortable with putting him in that kind of “direct discussion” situation, being afraid that he would not cope with that easily. I think we both need a bit more time to somehow make it clear for ourselves and structure it in our differently wired minds...I don’t think he would be so keen to see me, be honest with me and put so much effort into what is going between us, if the only thing he would care about was the pure physical interaction. At least I hope that’s the case.

All the best for you and your amazing wife, and thank you very much once again for your time and thoughts.

Maybe look for activities you both like, and see how it goes. Also check out the blog that @Sisselcakes mentioned earlier. Good luck!

 

[Lena_131309]

Maybe look for activities you both like, and see how it goes. Also check out the blog that @Sisselcakes mentioned earlier. Good luck!

We do that, he loves going to the cinema, the same as me, we go for a climbing wall recently, but most of it he just likes to watch Netflix feeling comfortable at home.

I can’t locate the blog you mentioned, can you tell me where I can find it?

 

[Bolletje]

Welcome! If you want to know how he feels about you, you’re going to have to ask. I’ve been in a similar situation to yours for a few months with a guy I knew for years. We’d both had feelings for each other in the past and reconnect for a lovely summer. We mostly hung out at his place and had a lot of fun and a lot of sex. When his friends were around he treated me like one of his mates, which I didn’t mind. After a few months I felt like I should ask him where we were going with this and he was very much surprised. He had assumed that since I had never brought up anything about relationships that I was completely fine with our current arrangement, which was purely friends with benefits from his view. I wish he’d told me this sooner so I knew what I was getting myself into, he wished I had asked him sooner so I knew how he felt about us.

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

 

[Lena_131309]

Welcome! If you want to know how he feels about you, you’re going to have to ask. I’ve been in a similar situation to yours for a few months with a guy I knew for years. We’d both had feelings for each other in the past and reconnect for a lovely summer. We mostly hung out at his place and had a lot of fun and a lot of sex. When his friends were around he treated me like one of his mates, which I didn’t mind. After a few months I felt like I should ask him where we were going with this and he was very much surprised. He had assumed that since I had never brought up anything about relationships that I was completely fine with our current arrangement, which was purely friends with benefits from his view. I wish he’d told me this sooner so I knew what I was getting myself into, he wished I had asked him sooner so I knew how he felt about us.

Thank you very much Bolletje yes, I have this somehow in the back of my head, however still trying to find arguments against it ;-) I don’t really think that he is that type of guy as he has almost no relationship experience so I assume, if that’s so difficult for him, that he would simply not put so much energy into something as flat and not meaningful as friends with benefits The fact that we meet in his place is also driven by me as I also cannot imagine that our evening could end up differently than in bed (even though they do sometimes). We both have pretty high libido and spending time like that is just something we both enjoy very much. He is not very affectionate when we are outside, that’s true, but it applies also to the “Outside” situations when we are the only ones (eg being in the cinema). But I may be wrong, maybe it is actually as you say and I will learn it hard way.

 

[Lena_131309]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

Thank you very much

 

[Rasputin]

We do that, he loves going to the cinema, the same as me, we go for a climbing wall recently, but most of it he just likes to watch Netflix feeling comfortable at home.

I can’t locate the blog you mentioned, can you tell me where I can find it?

Aspergers Relationships: A Guide for the Neurotypical | The Mental Health Blog

 

[tducey]

Hi and welcome to the board. It's a good place for all those with Autism. It's a great resource. As to your query be patient, someone with Autism as a partner will bring with it some challenges no doubt. Hope it all works out.

 

[Major Tom]

Welcome to the forums, I am no expert in anything, so I can't offer any good advice except for sometimes we feel a lot more than we show, it's just hard to nearly impossible to express. Also, a lot of times for me it feels like common sense, so I don't mention things that perhaps I should. I would say focus on your child the most, she is your flesh and blood after all. If he comes around, he comes around. I know that pushing things will often be met with rejecting, or eloping out of the situation.

 

[Punchr0ck3r17]

Hello Lena and welcome to the forum! I sincerely hope you find the answers you are seeking here. I understand and know how confusing Autism can be... I have it and have dealt with the issues dating and intimacy present when on the spectrum. It's not a topic I've covered, but I'll add it to my list of topics for the future... Anyway, I wanted to invite you to check out my blog for some insights into the world of Autism and links to some other resources that may be helpful in your quest to gain a better understanding. I hope this helps and best wishes!!

 

[Aspychata]

Lena
It's difficult because if on the spectrum, we can do things very slowly because when dealing with emotions- we retreat into our turtle shells and take our emotional pulse because sometimes it's going haywire with burnt out circuits. It's not that we are ignoring anything, we really are just trying grasp the situtation at hand and feeling out the intent - our intent and your intent. Sometimes thats too confusing, and then we can emotionally retreat until we think it's safe to come out again. So l personally wouldn't ask because he may have no answers then you will feel silly for pressuring him. Maybe you can just emphasize the great time you have together. Asking can be seen as pressure and may cause anxiety if he really is still processing all of you. Think there is too much pressure in society to wrap up the status in budding friendships/relationships. People are not apps, we are not computers and some of us pace slowly especially in meeting other prospective people. Sometimes you just need to let things take their time to materialize, if you can't, then you need to figure out what's next.

 

[Bolletje]

Thank you very much Bolletje yes, I have this somehow in the back of my head, however still trying to find arguments against it ;-) I don’t really think that he is that type of guy as he has almost no relationship experience so I assume, if that’s so difficult for him, that he would simply not put so much energy into something as flat and not meaningful as friends with benefits

You know, you could be completely right. I just wanted to share my story to sort of warn against assumptions about what other people are feeling. Hope your story doesn’t evolve the way mine did. Asking is the best way to find out what this thing is you’re doing though

 

[Lena_131309]

Lena
It's difficult because if on the spectrum, we can do things very slowly because when dealing with emotions- we retreat into our turtle shells and take our emotional pulse because sometimes it's going haywire with burnt out circuits. It's not that we are ignoring anything, we really are just trying grasp the situtation at hand and feeling out the intent - our intent and your intent. Sometimes thats too confusing, and then we can emotionally retreat until we think it's safe to come out again. So l personally wouldn't ask because he may have no answers then you will feel silly for pressuring him. Maybe you can just emphasize the great time you have together. Asking can be seen as pressure and may cause anxiety if he really is still processing all of you. Think there is too much pressure in society to wrap up the status in budding friendships/relationships. People are not apps, we are not computers and some of us pace slowly especially in meeting other prospective people. Sometimes you just need to let things take their time to materialize, if you can't, then you need to figure out what's next.

Thank you Aspychata, you reflected my point of view completely. I went through many relationships in the past (only with NT partners) and the "definition" of the relationships status was never on the radar. It was always clear, just by all the things happening naturally, what it was. This time it is a bit more complicated, as the "obvious" signs are not always there (or maybe there are there, but I cannot simply see them) and that's why I am overthinking the whole situation, instead of simply enjoying what is happening between us. The whole concept of asking anyone (doesn't matter if on spectrum or not) is so unnatural and strange for me, that, I guess, I would rather not even consider it. However, most of the autism related forums or blogs, repeat this approach constantly, saying that if I won't ask direct questions, I will potentially not know what he thinks or feels. And looking at that from my perspective, I would not like to be asked that kind of question myself, as the only answer I could give right now, only after few weeks of meeting him, would be simply "I do not know, let us see how and where it goes".

 

[Lena_131309]

You know, you could be completely right. I just wanted to share my story to sort of warn against assumptions about what other people are feeling. Hope your story doesn’t evolve the way mine did. Asking is the best way to find out what this thing is you’re doing though

Thank you very much, I really appreciate your honesty and that you were willing to share your, obviously not easy, story with me. I do not have tendency to put pink glasses and lie to myself that I do not see what is going on (if the situation is clear), but, on the other hand, putting him (or myself), on unnecessary pressure, on such an early stage, just to make sure I am not making wrong assumptions, is also not the way to go, at least from my perspective. I believe assumptions are made in any relationships, especially in the initial stage, as we simply need time to figure out where the whole thing is going to, first for ourselves, and then for the partner. We just really only started to get to know each other and talk about private aspects, and yes, the physical aspect of our meetings is also there and is very strong, but it is definitely not the only one. I think I should rather appreciate that he feels so comfortable with me in this aspect and that his spectrum is not influencing it in any way, that would be difficult for both of us, rather than having concerns why we both enjoy it so much

 

[Lena_131309]

Hello Lena and welcome to the forum! I sincerely hope you find the answers you are seeking here. I understand and know how confusing Autism can be... I have it and have dealt with the issues dating and intimacy present when on the spectrum. It's not a topic I've covered, but I'll add it to my list of topics for the future... Anyway, I wanted to invite you to check out my blog for some insights into the world of Autism and links to some other resources that may be helpful in your quest to gain a better understanding. I hope this helps and best wishes!!

Thank you very much and I will for sure check your blog, all the best for you as well

 

[Lena_131309]

Welcome to the forums, I am no expert in anything, so I can't offer any good advice except for sometimes we feel a lot more than we show, it's just hard to nearly impossible to express. Also, a lot of times for me it feels like common sense, so I don't mention things that perhaps I should. I would say focus on your child the most, she is your flesh and blood after all. If he comes around, he comes around. I know that pushing things will often be met with rejecting, or eloping out of the situation.

Thank you very much for your feedback and honest opinion. I am definitely focusing on her the most, that is also the reason why I haven't agreed to be in any demanding relationships over the last 3 years (after I decided to separate with her dad). And that is also the reason why, just as a defence system, I always try to make it clear that I am not sure, if any "regular" relationships commitment would be possible at the moment. The fact that we meet once or twice per week, also because he needs his "alone time", is actually perfect solution for me, as I need to dedicate a lot of my time to my daughter (on the top of really responsible and demanding job). So, as grotesque as it may sound, his spectrum makes it, at least in some aspects, easier for me as well. Hopefully for him too.

 

[Lena_131309]

Hi and welcome to the board. It's a good place for all those with Autism. It's a great resource. As to your query be patient, someone with Autism as a partner will bring with it some challenges no doubt. Hope it all works out.

Thank you very much, I am looking forward to get to know as much as possible about autism, as, as mentioned before, I have never been in such a relation and I obviously need to learn everything from scratch.