I am lost...boyfriend with spectrum and too many questions

[Lena_131309]

Dear Experts,


This is my first post on this forum and I hope someone will find some time to read it and give me some advice. I've read hundreds and hundreds of posts, watched uncountable videos about spectrum and still feel like I do not know anything...and I feel so lost and so frustrated and I do not know what to feel or think...I am sorry in advance for its length, I just want to give you full picture about my situation.


3 months ago I started dating an amazing man, not knowing back then that he is on autism spectrum. I knew him since 1 year prior that, but we were just meeting with common friends, as friends only. I haven’t expected he would be interested in me, so I was not making any first moves or anything like that. He did. One day he just asked me if I would like to go for jogging with him and asked for my number. We didn’t go jogging at the end (I am horrible jogger, so fortunately we didn’t) but we started texting a lot. He invited me to his home for a party with his friends, we went to the cinema few times, for dinner and so on…so everything was going smoothly, looking like a regular dates people have when they start going out. There were some small things that were a bit different, like him not bringing me home late at night after our date (he said that we should separate on the station between our apartments) or not proposing me to join him having snacks when I was at his place for the first time…Still, I thought that maybe he was stressed or not experienced enough to know that it would appear a bit rude.


After few dates we got into another level of intimacy and we started meeting in his place to watch movies, talk and, obviously, have incredible sex. There was always the same pattern behind it, meaning him preparing food for both of us, then taking shower (with laud podcasts playing in the background) and then us going to bed and getting very little sleep. Always the same pattern. And then the same in the morning – me getting ready for work and him playing video games once I was getting ready. During our 2nd or 3rd date in his place, he told me he is on the autism spectrum (self-diagnosed) and explained me what it means for him and why he behaves sometimes differently. He told me that he didn’t have too many relationships, last one two years ago that lasted few months only, that kissing or holding hands is very difficult for him and that it took him a long time to learn the “expected” social behaviour, to look into people’s eyes while talking to them or to go to crowded public places, like grocery store. I was trying to be very supportive and ask gentle questions in order to help him feel good in the situation and to help me understand how I could better understand him. His parents and friends don’t know, I believe I am, together with his boss, the only one that get to know from him directly. He is extremely lovely when we are together, holding me in his arms and being close, I love listening to him when he talks about his interests (he can talk and talk, for hours, but I really really like that) and I am looking forward to see him every next time. I’ve read a lot about the “alone time” and I am trying to give him as much freedom as he needs, so he is usually the one proposing the dates, and initiating the contact. He has never told me that he likes me (in any meaning of this word), but I assume , from what I can judge, that he really likes spending time with me and be close to me. And now the tricky part comes…We do not go out too often together, but whenever we do, he is always so distanced to me…I understand why (I think), but it makes me so sad that I cannot just simply hold his hand or touch his shoulder…It makes me sad that when I leave his apartment he is just opening the doors for me and saying goodbye only, not even hugging me..It makes me sad that I haven’t got to know any of his friends even though he goes out with them basically every weekend...It makes me sad that in my head out meetings don't seem like the priority for him (it seems like he always makes the weekend plans with his friends first and only then with me)...it makes me sad that I do not even know if he really likes me or if he is just treating me as (I hate this term) his friend with benefits. My self-esteem is going down and down every week and I’ve even started to think that he meets me only to land up in bed. I cannot imagine asking him about that, as most of the expert forums advise, but on the other hand I do not know how to move…Before we started meeting he heard me saying that “regular” relationships are very difficult for me and that I do not see myself committing to them again…My situation is even more difficult, I am raising up a beautiful 6-years old girl alone, and I am juggling, logistically a lot between her needs, very responsible and demanding job (with many business travels), and his needs. I am so exhausted after our every meeting, being so happy when we meet and then falling down and down whenever my mind starts running…Am I overreacting and should just let it flow naturally, or to help us both and do something? I do not want any statements, confirmations or anything like that...it is way too early, but I would just like to know that I am treated fair. As I try to be very fair myself. Please, let me know how to navigate in that, and how I can make it easier for both of us. I know it costs him a lot to dedicate the time we spent together to me, and he tells me that he could not do that every day and I am so lost in what is going between us. It is completely new world for me and I haven't learnt yet how to survive in it. Please help me.

Thank you very much if you managed to reach the end and I am in advance very grateful for any advice.

 

[Juliettaa]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

Thank you very much if you managed to reach the end and I am in advance very grateful for any advice.

Unfortunately, I didn't manage to get to the end; I didn't even get past the first paragraph! Being faced with a 'wall of text' does not make for ease of reading.

Whatever your issue, I hope things work out for you.

 

[Judge]

It's true...for some of us- maybe many that we just don't express ourselves verbally as to how we truly feel about someone special. And I know from personal experience that it can cost us everything. It's a major reason why I lost that "special someone". Your post sounds quite familiar to me.

Though looking back on it all, I'm not sure anyone simply telling me that neurotypicals require such feedback and validation would have been enough to make me express myself properly. That it was losing her where she never looked back that made me realize much later how important this can be.

I can only say that just because we don't project the right sentiments verbally in words doesn't mean those sentiments are completely absent in our hearts and minds. Much like empathy, many of us simply don't project it to others in a way that's entirely meaningful to neurotypicals. Tragically this is often taken as if we have no empathy, when in fact we do.

I can't help but wonder if things might have been different for me, had she brought this up in a low-key and non-threatening manner. Maybe I might have adjusted accordingly. I don't really know. Instead she "blew up" about it, and her timing was terrible. I reacted badly and essentially killed the relationship. We got back together, but it was never the same and the second time around it was her who dumped me. Though this was many years ago, and neither of us had a clue that I might be on the spectrum of autism.

 

[GadAbout]

It doesn't sound as if the relationship is meeting your needs.

 

[Lena_131309]

It's true...for some of us- maybe many that we just don't express ourselves verbally as to how we truly feel about someone special. And I know from personal experience that it can cost us everything. It's a major reason why I lost that "special someone". Your post sounds quite familiar to me.

Though looking back on it all, I'm not sure anyone simply telling me that neurotypicals require such feedback and validation would have been enough to make me express myself properly. That it was losing her where she never looked back that made me realize much later how important this can be.

I can only say that just because we don't project the right sentiments verbally in words doesn't mean those sentiments are completely absent in our hearts and minds. Much like empathy, many of us simply don't project it to others in a way that's entirely meaningful to neurotypicals. Tragically this is often taken as if we have no empathy, when in fact we do.

I can't help but wonder if things might have been different for me, had she brought this up in a low-key and non-threatening manner. Maybe I might have adjusted accordingly. I don't really know. Instead she "blew up" about it, and her timing was terrible. I reacted badly and essentially killed the relationship. We got back together, but it was never the same and the second time around it was her who dumped me. Though this was many years ago, and neither of us had a clue that I might be on the spectrum of autism.

Thank you very much for your answer Judge and I am really sorry that the things didn't work as expected for you...and I hope this experience will make you stronger for the future and help you to make it work next time.

 

[Lena_131309]

It doesn't sound as if the relationship is meeting your needs.

I would not say that, it is just very different to what I am used to, that is where the struggle is coming from. It is just so much happening around me (not only from the relationship perspective but also other private and professional aspects) that I find it very difficult to not overthink everything and make wrong assumptions...On the top of it, I am not even sure if I should use "relationship" term at all Thank you very much for your time and feedback, it is highly appreciated.

 

[Judge]

Thank you very much for your answer Judge and I am really sorry that the things didn't work as expected for you...and I hope this experience will make you stronger for the future and help you to make it work next time.

Thanks. In my own case it's more a matter of figuring it out far too late. That relationship ended some 33 years ago. I'm just an old man now, living pretty much in self-imposed isolation. If anything, it's a life lesson to be capitalized in my next reincarnated life.

From my own perspective, I can only suggest you bring up your concerns in the most low-key, non-threatening manner as possible. Though whether or not he can truly react accordingly is anyone's guess. Traits and behaviors of autism are all manifested quite differently by us on an individual basis. And there are some that we can work on while others may be "hard-wired" neurologically that prevents us from much of any kind of control whether we want it or not. Where you have to consider that such things are not merely about "attitude" for us.

We might be aware of our shortcomings regarding social interactions, but that in itself is no guarantee that we can necessarily alter them. A key dynamic that many neurotypicals either do not understand, or choose not to want to understand.

In terms of relationships while it may be perceived as "unfair" or "inequitable", it's just the way it is. Making such "mixed" relationships a very difficult proposition to succeed. A relationship likely requiring much sacrifice. These sort of relationships are just not for everyone, as they challenge one's ability for tolerance and understanding far beyond that of a relationship between two neurotypical persons. And if you aren't up to it, this in itself does not make either of you "bad people" as such.

 

[Lena_131309]

Thanks. In my own case it's more a matter of figuring it out far too late. That relationship ended some 33 years ago. I'm just an old man now, living pretty much in self-imposed isolation. If anything, it's a life lesson to be capitalized in my next reincarnated life.

From my own perspective, I can only suggest you bring up your concerns in the most low-key, non-threatening manner as possible. Though whether or not he can truly react accordingly is anyone's guess. Traits and behaviors of autism are all manifested quite differently by us on an individual basis. And there are some that we can work on while others may be "hard-wired" neurologically that prevents us from much of any kind of control whether we want it or not. Where you have to consider that such things are not merely about "attitude" for us.

We might be aware of our shortcomings regarding social interactions, but that in itself is no guarantee that we can necessarily alter them. A key dynamic that many neurotypicals either do not understand, or choose not to want to understand.

That is what I am trying to understand all the time...Most of the time he behaves completely natural (as far as I am able to judge) and I can clearly see that he is seeking as much contact with me as he can handle, putting a lot of effort to make me feel very good, remembering everything I tell him I like to do and just organising the time the way I really feel comfortable with. On the other side, he is sometimes so direct in telling me his opinion or giving me feedback, that I feel like crawling in the mouse hole. I was making a joke in the morning today that I need to make a photo of him by surprise as I am going for a business trip and I won't see him for 10 days (after he told me explicitly that he neither does like himself on photos, nor someone making photos of him), and it made him react so firm and direct, standing up and saying with louder voice "to make it clear again, I do not want anyone to take photos of me in my place". After that he smiled and walked me to his doors and wished me great trip...I went out his apartment completely puzzled. It was my fault, I shouldn't have said that, but I would never expect he would behave like that...so, you see my point here, I just need time to not to take it personally (I assume he didn't mean it that way) and to understand better where I can push the borders as well (for example by making unnecessary jokes)

 

[Alexej]

Welcome to the forums, please hang around get to know us all

 

[Lena_131309]

Thank you very much Alexej

 

[Judge]

That is what I am trying to understand all the time...Most of the time he behaves completely natural (as far as I am able to judge) and I can clearly see that he is seeking as much contact with me as he can handle, putting a lot of effort to make me feel very good, remembering everything I tell him I like to do and just organising the time the way I really feel comfortable with. On the other side, he is sometimes so direct in telling me his opinion or giving me feedback, that I feel like crawling in the mouse hole. I was making a joke in the morning today that I need to make a photo of him by surprise as I am going for a business trip and I won't see him for 10 days (after he told me explicitly that he neither does like himself on photos, nor someone making photos of him), and it made him react so firm and direct, standing up and saying with louder voice "to make it clear again, I do not want anyone to take photos of me in my place". After that he smiled and walked me to his doors and wished me great trip...I went out his apartment completely puzzled. It was my fault, I shouldn't have said that, but I would never expect he would behave like that...so, you see my point here, I just need time to not to take it personally (I assume he didn't mean it that way) and to understand better where I can push the borders as well (for example by making unnecessary jokes)

That's too bad. In my own case the woman I posted about was the same one who introduced me to photography. In essence I have no such biases. I suppose in this instance all you can do is to "file away" the fact that he emphatically doesn't like to be photographed.

Though it's no secret that many of us can be highly opinionated of even what may otherwise be considered to be trivial in most cases. And that we may often deliver such opinions in a brutally blunt manner.

Humor is another thing that can be complicated. Some of us have a fabulous sense of humor. And some of us like myself have never been able to process sarcasm. And then there may be those who have little sense of humor at all. Yeah, there's a huge learning curve involved to make such a relationship work, if you are up to it.

 

[Lena_131309]

That's too bad. In my own case the woman I posted about was the same one who introduced me to photography. In essence I have no such biases. I suppose in this instance all you can do is to "file away" the fact that he emphatically doesn't like to be photographed.

Though it's no secret that many of us can be highly opinionated of even what may otherwise be considered to be trivial in most cases. And that we may often deliver such opinions in a brutally blunt manner.

Humor is another thing that can be complicated. Some of us have a fabulous sense of humor. And some of us like myself have never been able to process sarcasm. And then there may be those who have little sense of humor at all. Yeah, there's a huge learning curve involved to make such a relationship work, if you are up to it.

Thank you very much for your opinion Judge, I really appreciate that (again ...it’s so much easier to try to understand his behavior by “talking” (even virtually) to someone that has much more experience (or self-experience) and neutral approach to the situation. Like I mentioned before, I am completely new to “your” world and I’m really keen to understand it and make it work between us, independently how difficult it may be. Despite the difficulties, from which some of them I tried to explain above, it positively amazes me how the whole relation changes my approach to people in general, makes me more open-minded to the fact that not everyone “needs” to behave according to the rules we are forced to fit in by society and that it’s also fine. Difficult to understand (at least at the beginning) but still perfectly fine. I’m really open and motivated to learn more and to make compromises whenever they will be necessary, but also minding my own needs and making sure that we both treat each other in a fair way.

 

[Judge]

I’m really open and motivated to learn more and to make compromises whenever they will be necessary, but also minding my own needs and making sure that we both treat each other in a fair way.

Fair exclusively as in "50-50", or could you settle for "35-65" if the circumstances warranted it?

This is where I'm being brutally blunt, yet quite honest as well.

Most neurotypicals IMO ethically demand that "50-50" benchmark. Not considering that in some circumstances, it will be impossible to achieve. If you can bear the brunt of a sometimes inequitable relationship, you might just succeed. If not, it's likely the relationship will fail. Everyone strives for fairness, but in some but not all social equations it may just not be there. The question for you is whether or not you can handle this reality.

Perhaps the best thing you can do for him is to be his "wingman". To be an "interpreter" as such over interactions with the neurotypical world. To help him out socially when the both of you attend a social function where he may not be so at ease.

 

[Lena_131309]

Fair exclusively as in "50-50", or could you settle for "35-65" if the circumstances warranted it?

This is where I'm being brutally blunt, yet quite honest as well.

Most neurotypicals ethically demand that "50-50" benchmark. Not considering that in some circumstances, it will be impossible to achieve. If you can bear the brunt of a sometimes inequitable relationship, you might just succeed. If not, it's likely the relationship will fail. Everyone strives for fairness, but in some equations it may just not be there.

Perhaps the best thing you can do for him is to be his "wingman". To be an "interpreter" as such over interactions with the neurotypical world. To help him out socially when the both of you attend a social function where he may not be so at ease.

I’m definitely not expecting 50-50 fairness level, that would be rather naive I guess....I am aware that, probably, majority of the “adjustments” would have to be done on my side. As far as I can tell, with my current state of knowledge, I am ready to take this challenge, but I’m also aware that it will require a lot of work on both our ends. Excuse my ignorance, but could you be so kind and explain me in more details the “wingman” role please? I guess I have only very high-level understanding of the concept....

 

[Judge]

Excuse my ignorance, but could you be so kind and explain me in more details the “wingman” role please? I guess I have only very high-level understanding of the concept....

Well, keep in mind I can't be particularly specific about such things. Mainly to be supportive and helpful to him in social situations where he is experiencing some degree of discomfort. Where he may or may not be forthright in explaining it to you. Where you may have to become observant about such things when you perceive them to happen, or about to happen.

Perhaps others who enjoy this situation can weigh in and be more specific. In my own case I never had anyone particularly supportive in such a role. Though I certainly wished that I had. I can tell you that our community has a few members who have such a relationship with their NT spouse.

 

[Lena_131309]

Well, keep in mind I can't be particularly specific about such things. Mainly to be supportive and helpful to him in social situations where he is experiencing some degree of discomfort. Where he may or may not be forthright in explaining it to you. Where you may have to become observant about such things when you perceive them to happen, or about to happen.

Perhaps others who enjoy this situation can weigh in and be more specific. In my own case I never had anyone particularly supportive in such a role. Though I certainly wished that I had. I can tell you that our community has a few members who have such a relationship with their NT spouse.

Thank you very much, I understand. I guess he is doing pretty well in social situations, at least from what I’ve seen. He seems to be always keen to meet his friends, actually he is busy with them almost every weekend, sometimes also during the week. Most of the people he meets are from his current, or previous work. He prefers to meet them in a well known environment (his or their apartments), but he is also going out with them to new places (sometimes crowded), but indeed, maybe I don’t have the full picture and actually don’t know, if this is him “adjusting” to the social rules or him really feeling well in those situations. He actually told me few times that he is joining them when they want to go out to some new places, but he is doing that “because he wants to meet their expectations”. He is definitely not the “party type” and whenever he goes out with them, he is the one responsible and making sure that everybody returns home safely. If I recall how he was behaving in social situations before we started dating, I have in my mind memory of very calm, mature guy, speaking slowly and using “professor” like voice, always very much in control of what he does or says, but I guess I’ve never seen him initiating conversation with people he didn’t know. I remember I made a joke (yes, again) once asking him how it is possible that such a great looking guy hasn’t been in a relationship for such a long time (before I knew about his spectrum) and he just simply replied - “I’m not going out, I’m not meeting new people, so I guess that explains a lot”. I also asked him once why he is sometimes keeping such a distance (also physical) to me, or other people and he said that he doesn’t want to make wrong move or behave improperly. He also mentioned he needs much more time to get to know people and become comfortable with them. And that he is jealous of people that can easily “let go” and enjoy the situation, as his “thoughts are always running”...he said he can never fully relax or let go...I don’t have too much experience with him being together with me in a more public or social situations, we just meet with our common friend for dinner or cinema, and there he behaves much more distanced to me, than when we are alone. On the other hand, he tries to be somehow close, taking place next to me on the table or walking close to me when we walk outside (with other people). It is sometimes difficult for me, as I’ve never had to keep this, somehow artificial, distance, but on the other hand I don’t want to make wrong move as well. You see, it’s like a closed circle, I’m not trying to be closer to him when we are in public places too, what I understand as, respect to his needs and on the other hand, I’m not helping him to know, which of his potential moves would be actually safe and appreciated. It’s difficult.

Just to add - I asked him, how this is possible that he made this move and asked me out, and he replied that as he has met me few times before, it was possible for him to realize how “nice” I was, and that is why he decided to do that. When I think about that know, it had to be really difficult for him to do that, am I right? On the contrary, I’m completely on the other edge, extremely social, taking to strangers (sometimes too much) and having no problems with social interactions. I think he can be overloaded by that at some point.

 

[Loren]

Hi Lena. Welcome.

Based on everything you have mentioned, it seems he may simply have difficulty in some aspects of processing emotions. You, perhaps, provoke emotions in him that he is either, not as familiar with, or, could be unsure how to manage. He may become anxious when you act in certain ways, even if your sentiments, behaviors would seem perfectly acceptable, normal. If processing emotions is difficult for him in certain ways, coupled with the immense focus on not making any mistakes, as you mentioned, and possibly worrying he could compromise your friendship/relationship, he, likely, may find relief in spending less time with you, in comparison to the time he spends with friends whom don't provoke the same level, or type of emotion within him, that you happen to.

But, you are doing nothing wrong, and it is lovely that you want to respect his needs. He may simply need extensive time to feel at ease with you and with the emotions he may be experiencing. On the other side of the coin, if you feel discontented, or uneasy, in that he has told you that he doesn't want to be committed, I would consider the possible ramifications of that, and take care of yourself and your emotions/ if possible, refrain from becoming too emotionally invested, just yet - as hard as that can be to control within one's heart.

I hope things pan out for the best, whatever that might entail. You may already have awareness of what alexithymia is, but, if not, I would suggest reading about it, as it could very well help you to gain more perspective, ease your mind, and have a positive impact on your friendship/ relationship, should it happen that emotion processing is in fact, part of the equation. All the best to you.

 

[Judge]

When I think about that know, it had to be really difficult for him to do that, am I right?

Most likely. Consider it an enormous compliment.

For many of us, it's quite a step outside of our comfort zone to pursue a relationship with someone we're really attracted to, for whatever reasons.

 

[Rasputin]

Dear Experts,

Lena,


This is my first post on this forum and I hope someone will find some time to read it and give me some advice. I've read hundreds and hundreds of posts, watched uncountable videos about spectrum and still feel like I do not know anything...and I feel so lost and so frustrated and I do not know what to feel or think...I am sorry in advance for its length, I just want to give you full picture about my situation.


3 months ago I started dating an amazing man, not knowing back then that he is on autism spectrum. I knew him since 1 year prior that, but we were just meeting with common friends, as friends only. I haven’t expected he would be interested in me, so I was not making any first moves or anything like that. He did. One day he just asked me if I would like to go for jogging with him and asked for my number. We didn’t go jogging at the end (I am horrible jogger, so fortunately we didn’t) but we started texting a lot. He invited me to his home for a party with his friends, we went to the cinema few times, for dinner and so on…so everything was going smoothly, looking like a regular dates people have when they start going out. There were some small things that were a bit different, like him not bringing me home late at night after our date (he said that we should separate on the station between our apartments) or not proposing me to join him having snacks when I was at his place for the first time…Still, I thought that maybe he was stressed or not experienced enough to know that it would appear a bit rude.


After few dates we got into another level of intimacy and we started meeting in his place to watch movies, talk and, obviously, have incredible sex. There was always the same pattern behind it, meaning him preparing food for both of us, then taking shower (with laud podcasts playing in the background) and then us going to bed and getting very little sleep. Always the same pattern. And then the same in the morning – me getting ready for work and him playing video games once I was getting ready. During our 2nd or 3rd date in his place, he told me he is on the autism spectrum (self-diagnosed) and explained me what it means for him and why he behaves sometimes differently. He told me that he didn’t have too many relationships, last one two years ago that lasted few months only, that kissing or holding hands is very difficult for him and that it took him a long time to learn the “expected” social behaviour, to look into people’s eyes while talking to them or to go to crowded public places, like grocery store. I was trying to be very supportive and ask gentle questions in order to help him feel good in the situation and to help me understand how I could better understand him. His parents and friends don’t know, I believe I am, together with his boss, the only one that get to know from him directly. He is extremely lovely when we are together, holding me in his arms and being close, I love listening to him when he talks about his interests (he can talk and talk, for hours, but I really really like that) and I am looking forward to see him every next time. I’ve read a lot about the “alone time” and I am trying to give him as much freedom as he needs, so he is usually the one proposing the dates, and initiating the contact. He has never told me that he likes me (in any meaning of this word), but I assume , from what I can judge, that he really likes spending time with me and be close to me. And now the tricky part comes…We do not go out too often together, but whenever we do, he is always so distanced to me…I understand why (I think), but it makes me so sad that I cannot just simply hold his hand or touch his shoulder…It makes me sad that when I leave his apartment he is just opening the doors for me and saying goodbye only, not even hugging me..It makes me sad that I haven’t got to know any of his friends even though he goes out with them basically every weekend...It makes me sad that in my head out meetings don't seem like the priority for him (it seems like he always makes the weekend plans with his friends first and only then with me)...it makes me sad that I do not even know if he really likes me or if he is just treating me as (I hate this term) his friend with benefits. My self-esteem is going down and down every week and I’ve even started to think that he meets me only to land up in bed. I cannot imagine asking him about that, as most of the expert forums advise, but on the other hand I do not know how to move…Before we started meeting he heard me saying that “regular” relationships are very difficult for me and that I do not see myself committing to them again…My situation is even more difficult, I am raising up a beautiful 6-years old girl alone, and I am juggling, logistically a lot between her needs, very responsible and demanding job (with many business travels), and his needs. I am so exhausted after our every meeting, being so happy when we meet and then falling down and down whenever my mind starts running…Am I overreacting and should just let it flow naturally, or to help us both and do something? I do not want any statements, confirmations or anything like that...it is way too early, but I would just like to know that I am treated fair. As I try to be very fair myself. Please, let me know how to navigate in that, and how I can make it easier for both of us. I know it costs him a lot to dedicate the time we spent together to me, and he tells me that he could not do that every day and I am so lost in what is going between us. It is completely new world for me and I haven't learnt yet how to survive in it. Please help me.

Thank you very much if you managed to reach the end and I am in advance very grateful for any advice.

Lena,

I have some of the same issues that you mentioned, not being physically expressive all the time. However, I have been married the past 28 years for whatever that is worth. I have also had a generally successful career, and have been continuously employed the past 34 years. So, relationships between an NT (someone like yourself) and someone on the spectrum can work if you understand each other and you love each other. Now one possible difference is that I did not know I was on the spectrum until last month when I was diagnosed at the somewhat mature age of 61. My wife thought I was somewhat eccentric, and often commented that I was overly rational or logical, and did not show empathy. However, I love my wife, and know that she loves me. Why else would she have put up with me the past 28 years?

The fact that your boyfriend shared his ASD status with you indicates that you mean more to him than just a friend with benefits.The strain you both feel is probably because neither of you has taken the lead in having an intimate (personal) discussion about how you each feel about the other, how you can be more understanding of him, and what you need in terms of emotional support from him. Beyond this, I don't know what advice I could offer.

My experience is that relationships such as yours can work, but it may take time for you to feel emotionally close. Also, it is not without ongoing challenges. I hope this helps.

 

[sisselcakes]

Dear Experts,


This is my first post on this forum and I hope someone will find some time to read it and give me some advice. I've read hundreds and hundreds of posts, watched uncountable videos about spectrum and still feel like I do not know anything...and I feel so lost and so frustrated and I do not know what to feel or think...I am sorry in advance for its length, I just want to give you full picture about my situation.


3 months ago I started dating an amazing man, not knowing back then that he is on autism spectrum. I knew him since 1 year prior that, but we were just meeting with common friends, as friends only. I haven’t expected he would be interested in me, so I was not making any first moves or anything like that. He did. One day he just asked me if I would like to go for jogging with him and asked for my number. We didn’t go jogging at the end (I am horrible jogger, so fortunately we didn’t) but we started texting a lot. He invited me to his home for a party with his friends, we went to the cinema few times, for dinner and so on…so everything was going smoothly, looking like a regular dates people have when they start going out. There were some small things that were a bit different, like him not bringing me home late at night after our date (he said that we should separate on the station between our apartments) or not proposing me to join him having snacks when I was at his place for the first time…Still, I thought that maybe he was stressed or not experienced enough to know that it would appear a bit rude.


After few dates we got into another level of intimacy and we started meeting in his place to watch movies, talk and, obviously, have incredible sex. There was always the same pattern behind it, meaning him preparing food for both of us, then taking shower (with laud podcasts playing in the background) and then us going to bed and getting very little sleep. Always the same pattern. And then the same in the morning – me getting ready for work and him playing video games once I was getting ready. During our 2nd or 3rd date in his place, he told me he is on the autism spectrum (self-diagnosed) and explained me what it means for him and why he behaves sometimes differently. He told me that he didn’t have too many relationships, last one two years ago that lasted few months only, that kissing or holding hands is very difficult for him and that it took him a long time to learn the “expected” social behaviour, to look into people’s eyes while talking to them or to go to crowded public places, like grocery store. I was trying to be very supportive and ask gentle questions in order to help him feel good in the situation and to help me understand how I could better understand him. His parents and friends don’t know, I believe I am, together with his boss, the only one that get to know from him directly. He is extremely lovely when we are together, holding me in his arms and being close, I love listening to him when he talks about his interests (he can talk and talk, for hours, but I really really like that) and I am looking forward to see him every next time. I’ve read a lot about the “alone time” and I am trying to give him as much freedom as he needs, so he is usually the one proposing the dates, and initiating the contact. He has never told me that he likes me (in any meaning of this word), but I assume , from what I can judge, that he really likes spending time with me and be close to me. And now the tricky part comes…We do not go out too often together, but whenever we do, he is always so distanced to me…I understand why (I think), but it makes me so sad that I cannot just simply hold his hand or touch his shoulder…It makes me sad that when I leave his apartment he is just opening the doors for me and saying goodbye only, not even hugging me..It makes me sad that I haven’t got to know any of his friends even though he goes out with them basically every weekend...It makes me sad that in my head out meetings don't seem like the priority for him (it seems like he always makes the weekend plans with his friends first and only then with me)...it makes me sad that I do not even know if he really likes me or if he is just treating me as (I hate this term) his friend with benefits. My self-esteem is going down and down every week and I’ve even started to think that he meets me only to land up in bed. I cannot imagine asking him about that, as most of the expert forums advise, but on the other hand I do not know how to move…Before we started meeting he heard me saying that “regular” relationships are very difficult for me and that I do not see myself committing to them again…My situation is even more difficult, I am raising up a beautiful 6-years old girl alone, and I am juggling, logistically a lot between her needs, very responsible and demanding job (with many business travels), and his needs. I am so exhausted after our every meeting, being so happy when we meet and then falling down and down whenever my mind starts running…Am I overreacting and should just let it flow naturally, or to help us both and do something? I do not want any statements, confirmations or anything like that...it is way too early, but I would just like to know that I am treated fair. As I try to be very fair myself. Please, let me know how to navigate in that, and how I can make it easier for both of us. I know it costs him a lot to dedicate the time we spent together to me, and he tells me that he could not do that every day and I am so lost in what is going between us. It is completely new world for me and I haven't learnt yet how to survive in it. Please help me.

Thank you very much if you managed to reach the end and I am in advance very grateful for any advice.

Read my last post. Think it may help.