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Featured How do I help my boyfriend understand?

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Jena, Jun 16, 2018.

  1. Jena

    Jena Well-Known Member

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    So I been dating this guy for 2 years. Which is amazing considering I am a aspie, and he is my first boyfriend. However I feel there is some conflict in the relationship. And I really strongly want this to keep going as I am very much in love with him, but I am not quite sure how to do it.

    Because he's been very busy lately, I have not seen him in 3 months plus he went to Isarel for 6 weeks on top of the 3 months. We been texting every day, but I can sense he was getting annoyed at me, because I kept asking if he knows when he can see me yet cause I was getting anxious and nervous. Cause in my brain tells me he's never going to text me back unless I text him. And I feel mabye me asking so many times just drives him away? And then eventually he asked time to think because I was being very depressed and just asking if I should just stop texting altogether.

    So now we been on a break. Which is getting easier with each day, for now a week. But I want him to text me first but how does one even get off the break in a relationship and then things go back to normal again? How can I tell him to make him fully aware that I want to see him more. I mean I said it only a billion times. But he is still so busy. How do I rebuild this relationship, with him? There are so many questions about my relationship. I just don't know what to do.

    How do I back up but make him miss me like crazy and want to text me back. This is very hard and he does know I have Asperger's. He told me I need to stop being impatience about some things (like seeing him), so how can I work on this? Sorry for all the questions I just don't know what to do, I miss him so much it physically hurts.
     
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  2. LucyPurrs

    LucyPurrs NT, INFJ V.I.P Member

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    How far apart do you and he live? It sounds like maybe you two are in different cities or states?
     
  3. Jena

    Jena Well-Known Member

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    we live in the same State but he lives in different town. 20 minutes away and I have no car to come see him nor does he have his own car to come see me and his parents keep him so busy and I am scared I am driving him away, like I am not giving him space and such cause I tend to get overally anxious and so forth
     
  4. LucyPurrs

    LucyPurrs NT, INFJ V.I.P Member

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    Well, he lives 20 minutes away and hasn't seen you in 4.5 months? I hate to say this but this does not sound hopeful for you. Certainly being clingy and over anxious is likely to push him away but it doesn't sound as if he's very motivated to see you or I suspect he would have found a way. I'd back waaaayyy off- in fact stop all contact and see what happens. You've already told him multiple times what you want so he knows it. If he doesn't initiate contact within a reasonable time (? 4 weeks) then you know to move on.
     
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  5. Jena

    Jena Well-Known Member

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    Ok thanks. Thing is he is very unorganized and not a good planner and his parents been making him stay home and help and his parents control his life. Literally they made him come to Isarel with them and made it a family vacation. And they didn't care to mention this till the week they were leaving. I get more clingy the more I get anxious and worried and I would like to know how I can stop myself from being too clingy cause I feel I can't control it.
     
  6. LucyPurrs

    LucyPurrs NT, INFJ V.I.P Member

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    Remind yourself that the tighter you cling, the faster he's going to run away.
     
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  7. Jena

    Jena Well-Known Member

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    Okay I'll try doing that. Sometimes I wish I wore a electric collar so I can zap myself everytime I think about it lmao,
     
  8. chocoholic

    chocoholic Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    You don't actually know if it is the truth about his parents being controlling or if it is an excuse? But anyway you do not want someone like this. Cut your losses and do not contact.
     
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  9. Bolletje

    Bolletje Overly complicated potato V.I.P Member

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    I know how hard it is, but you need to stop texting. You’ve told him what you want, he’s told you what he wants. Now you wait.

    You can’t make him miss you. Either he misses you and really doesn’t have time, or he doesn’t miss you but is too chicken to say something about it. In both cases it won’t help to text more.

    It might be best to mentally prepare yourself for this relationship being over.
     
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  10. AloneNotLonely

    AloneNotLonely Well-Known Member

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    If I understand right you haven't seen him in over 4 months. Now you are most likely clingy to the point where any normal guy would go absolutely nuts, but if you haven't seen him in 4 months at all and based on his reaction to you getting anxious to see him I figure he's a selfish prick and not really interested in you in the first place.

    I didn't want to leave such a harsh message, but I fully agree with chocoholic so at least I'm not alone. The behaviour he has shown is a huge sign that he's got a deeply flawed selfish personality. Maybe it's because he's just very young, but even in that case you should wait until he grows up before continuing in any romantic way.

    The way to stop being clingy is to analyze people based on how they act, what they do and how they treat you. You haven't seen this guy in 4 months. He wasn't very nice to you when you were anxious to see him. Exactly what is it that is so good about him? Is he really hot? Very attractive? Or are you just latching on because he's the first guy that "accepted" you as a girlfriend? You might be operating from a fear of being alone. I'm not saying this is the case, but it would pay to analyze both his personality/qualities and your emotional reaction towards him to figure out exactly what it is that is so appealing about him. None of us here know the dude so we can't tell.

    In the case that he truly is a catch, you should quickly be able to name a whole list of rare personality traits that are essential in a partner that you are not going to realistically find again. If you find yourself grasping for reasons, trying to come up with "excuses" to justify to yourself to continue pursuing him... then you should end it and never look back.
     
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  11. Bella Pines

    Bella Pines Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    This sounds identical to my early relationships. I'm now married with kids and have been for 20 years, so it's perfectly possibly to get through it. The take aways I had were;
    • Hold back. In a relationship you need to be yourself, relaxed and honest. BUT, pace it :) A little of you goes a long way, so hold back and release it slowly, perhaps over several decades. You are hitting the poor guy with the force of a tornado so it's a miracle he hasn't run for the hills. In a way, his parents have done you a favour because he is probably semi immune to pressure. So hold back.
    • Stop offloading. Your getting anxious and nervous is NOT HIS PROBLEM. It's yours. Completely. You need to come up with creative ways to solve your own problems and stop spreading them around.
    • Visit the real world. You're so firmly entrenched in your own head you are barely coming up for air. Look at what you wrote, "There are so many questions about my relationship". The term "my relationship" is an oxymoron. You talk about your anxiety, your relationship, what you want, how you want him to behave. He barely features. Consider him, he probably has a bunch of parental issues, he probably has interests of his own, past relationships, feelings. It's not just your relationship, there are 2 people involved. So take a break from overthinking and try to see the world from his perspective for a while. And really from his perspective, not just looking at yourself through his eyes.
    • Rewind time. You got into this, so there is a part of you that attracted him in the first place. If you drop the anxiety, you can be that person again. If you attracted him in the first place, you can do it again.
    So he's probably running scared, and probably has parental issues a plenty. But if you become the person he found attractive in the first place then there's no reason you can't get him back. If not then learn for the next one. :)
     
  12. Jena

    Jena Well-Known Member

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    I actually left alot of parts out about him because I was anxious typing lmao. But he really is nice and sweet to me, and will not do anything to me if I am uncomfterble doing it. He loves animals like me, and he does put up with my anxiety and tries to relax me by telling me to breath nice and gently. He's also really funny, and always knows how to make me laugh even when I am upset. I think the problem is, that it's really my fault, because I gotten too anxious and scared because of what my mother kept bashing him, it's a very long story, but he never does anything to hurt me. I only techinally hurting myself because I read too much online which makes me worry and I have a huge fear of ppl getting tired of me and leaving me. I know he is very busy, because I been dating him for 2 years and he is stritctly Jewish. (I am not jewish), so there are like a billion holidays for Jews that they aren't allow to leave the house or have to spent time with family, and he has been very hard working on becoming a vet and he has to follow the Sabbath so he can't see me on Fridays or Saturadays.. and then his elderly grandparents come over ALL the time so he is forced to help them because they are old folk. His mother also is weird cause she tends to plan family vacations at the last minute (meaning she doesn't tell him till the last minute which is stupid tbh). His mother is also bigoted and doesn't like ppl who are not Jewish, and so I really think it has a lot to do with his mother always trying to make him busy that he can't see me. Despite his mother wanting to meet me. (which haven't happen yet but it's because I was like in a complete different state for a year and schedule conflicts and so forth). And I get anxious because of my depression, I have both... and especially since this horrible fight online happen that ended up me being block, and again my anxiety got a hold of me, made me fearful and scared and memories from that keep coming back so then I get anxious in my relationship that was pretty happy until I become overally anxious and scared, cause my anxiety brain keeps telling me "what if..." and he has put this up for a while now, but right now I decided and he decided that we need a break from texting, so I did message him this morning to clarify that I am not gonna text him until he texts me back and he said okay, so hopefully he will I just get anxious and it's hard for me because I want to text him but I am trying hard not to. And hopefully it works, and if does it'll make me very happy. I just feel this whole issue really could of been avoid if I just haven't been so anxious clingy in the first place. But hopefully if I do this right, the space will bring us back together again, and he does miss me because he has told me that I think what his issue is that he just has a hard time planning things and organizing things. And honestly I am not gonna break up with him for that. Because we all have challenges like that we need to work on. (each different but everyone has something they need to work on) and okay this is long, sorry for rambling hope I make sense.
     
  13. Jena

    Jena Well-Known Member

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    ah thanks that helps alot. I will try those methods thanks. And yeah I know it's my problem and I just don't know how I can solve my problems without telling anyone.... I don't go to therapy anymore since I started college, and I'll try to see from his perspective it's hard to but I am gonna try doing what you suggest. Hopefully it'll work. Taking this break then is a good thing because it can help both us calm down and relax (idk how else to describe it)
     
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  14. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    3 months is way past what I would call a normal break in a healthy relationship. I'd be concerned after a week, and buying flowers for the relationship's grave after a month. Whats bad is if he's still talking like its active. Thats being dishonest and leading you on. Keeping you in the back pocket so to speak.

    Give him all the space and time he wants and then some and move on like its over. Thats the way these things work. One day they love you the next its over. It leaves you like 'what happened?' but its just the dating game, NT or ASD. Totally normal. Look to get back into play and #2 and gain more experience as you go.
     
  15. AloneNotLonely

    AloneNotLonely Well-Known Member

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    It sounds like you already made your choice. You cannot convince me, I already hate him (lol).

    My guess is things will go bad when his mother sets him up with a Jewish girl. It's just a guess, but from her actions I wouldn't be surprised if that were to suddenly happen when he's like 30.

    None of the things you mentioned, by the way, were rare quality personality traits. He doesn't abuse you, and tries to cheer you up when you are anxious? That's just basic human dignity. He's funny? Cool but it's not a quality personality trait. It might be rare depending on your sense of humour, though.

    The kinds of things I mean are conflict resolution skills, loyalty, emotional availability and compatibility. These are things, based on your story, are not there. He couldn't resolve your last conflict and putting you in time-out shows that he would rather run away. He is extremely loyal, but not to you. His loyalty is to his family and mother, and you are in last place. He has this trait (which is positive), but it is not extended to you. The best case here would be that he also includes you in that loyalty, and would tell his mother to simply accept the girl he has been dating for 2 years. You didn't come rolling round a month ago. It's been 2 frigging years. Emotional availability is not there either. Your text barrage was understandable. Because you didn't see him for 4 freaking months. You blame yourself, but when it's been 4 months it is not weird to freak out a bit. There's certainly things to fix, but his reaction is overblown. You have no clue what he's doing, and he's not being adamant about reassuring you that everything is ok. Which then reveals the last flaw... no compatibility. He's got all of this busy stuff, which means you haven't seen him for 4 months. Which makes you freak out, which he can't resolve, his mother is in the way, his family is in the way, his religion is in the way. Even the chillest of chicks would be like "Eh that dude is really unavailable, what is he doing?" and you just happen to get anxious easily. I can't even imagine how that translates when a guy disappears for 4 months.

    Don't try to convince me or the people that agree. Try to maybe speak with your mother and get her take on the story. Think really hard about this. But as I mentioned in the first sentence, I think that you will be all available when he decides to text you. I hope it will end well but I fear it won't. These types of emotional over investment scenario's never get resolved because the main thing missing, a cool head, is the only thing that can prevent further pain.
     
  16. ksheehan88

    ksheehan88 :)

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    This.

    I'm sorry to say it, but I think he just isn't invested in this relationship and just can't be bothered or doesn't want to be the "bad one" by ending it.

    He lives 20 minutes away (surely there are buses/trains?), he hasn't seen you in months, and blames that on his parents?

    I really think you're being strung along.
     
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  17. Lithi

    Lithi New Member

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    I think you need to consider the future of this relationship. It sounds like his family is his #1 priority to the point that he won't make much of any sacrifice to visit you even if it's been a really long time, and you're very (and understandably) distressed. If it's been 2 years and his mother is still opposed to your relationship, she's likely not going to come around, so unless he has plans to run away with you soon, I'm not sure that's going to get much better. Even if he is great, and if the circumstances were better it could work, I think you should be realistic about if the situation will ever improve. I imagine he'll move out of his parents' house at some point, but it doesn't sound like he's going to cut them off, and he'll probably still want their approval. Is he going to marry you and bring you home for the holidays? It may seem early to think about that, but by the time he's living independently it may be relevant.

    As for not seeing you for over 4 months, I don't know what your financial situation is like, but based on where I live, it would cost about $15 each way to take a Lyft/Uber to a park next to his house, and he could tell his parents he's going for a walk or something to go meet you. Or maybe one of you has a friend/acquaintance with a car who would give one of you a ride. Or maybe there's public transportation. Or he could go "grocery shopping" and get held up choosing the perfect tomatoes. If he cared that much about your relationship or your feelings, I imagine there's a way.

    Finally, there are two people in your relationship. You keep saying everything is your fault, but it doesn't sound like he's made much of an effort to address the problem. Your feelings are legitimate. You care about him and you want to see him. That is fair. Even if you're being overbearing, that's part of who you are, and he should try to work with you on the issue. It sounds to me like the issue snowballed because you started feeling anxious, and he dismissed your feelings, which led you to express them more to try to get him to acknowledge your feelings, at which point he vanished, still without addressing the problem. If he's not willing to work with you, or give you an inch on any of this, that's probably not a healthy relationship.
     
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  18. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Well I don't know if I'd say this situation is anyone's fault necessarily, but it still might not be a good fit, or at least not right now. His mother could be overly controlling, and it could be holding him back. I have a parent like that and they can affect a person's life negatively in many different ways. (Not necessarily all negative, but it depends.) Best way to deal with a controlling person is to work on skills that make you and your partner more and more independent. Learning how to drive and owning a (used) car can make such a difference. Especially if you live in a rural area. It sounds like maybe you could cut your losses and stay friends but be open to fun if both of you are okay with that, but no commitment because the situation is not working well for both of you. I think that is your best bet.
     
  19. chocoholic

    chocoholic Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Coming from the religious aspect, being Jewish, he will be expected to marry into his religion, and if he does not, the choice for him is not good as, he just about loses his family as far as l can guess.

    Mixed marriages like this do not work. Do you want your children to be brought up as Jews?


    Then again, if he gives up his religion for you, he might regret it later. Are you willing to adopt his religion? You need to find someone who will explain exactly what this will entail.

    It sounds like he is trying to get you to finish with him as the nicest option for you.
     
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  20. Michael Elliott

    Michael Elliott New Member

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    Relationships can be very difficult when you want to control all the outcomes. I was very controlling early on in my marriage and with my kids. I have learned with coping and cognitive strategies that the control issue is really my own, and not my significant other's or children (who are teens now). Like you, I also have a diagnosis of anxiety disorder along with being on the spectrum. I try to treat the anxiety the same way - it is my own issue that I project onto other people if I don't say aware of my inner state. The reason why I don't want to project this anxiety onto others is because this action makes them nervous, stressed and anxious.
    So the question is what does one do. Start by accepting it as your own issue. This will help you with the second step of relaxation routines that focus on deep breathing muscle relaxation. You can find many of these downloadable files online, like at many university wellness/health/counseling websites . When I started really practicing these routines on a daily basis for several weeks, I not only reduced projecting my anxiety on others (loved ones), but also felt more at ease, content and even clear minded. And even being on the spectrum, I could more so enjoy the limited interactions I had with others.
    Therefore, I serious suggest you focus on yourself, start some relaxation routines, and try to behave/react with a little clearer, healthier mindset
    I hope this suggestion helps