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how do deal with my "normal complex?"

apolloidolsice

apolloidolsice

Active Member
or whatever you call it :p. I don't feel normal and I hate it. I feel defective. Especially when those advertisements talk about "normal people". I also sometimes cry over how I would've been sterilized if I lived 50 to 100 years ago, and definitely would've been bullied harder if I for example was born 30 or 50 years earlier. How do I cope with this? has anyone gotten over this?
 
Some times when I feel like I don't fit in anywhere or that I'm not normal, I look at the world and all the crazy things so called normal people do. Then I think to myself "what a bunch of freaks" and I feel a little better, more normal. Have you seen what normal people do?
 
Forest Cat said:
Some times when I feel like I don't fit in anywhere or that I'm not normal, I look at the world and all the crazy things so called normal people do. Then I think to myself "what a bunch of freaks" and I feel a little better, more normal. Have you seen what normal people do?
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heh, yeah. i do. really weird how "cut for Bieber" was a thing. but I am a social creature and without helping it want it fit it.
 
Sometimes I think of all the people who wanted me to be normal, but hated when I called them conformists. I mean, if that's your value, at least be proud of it. But they're not.

Mostly I think of all the contradictory language of the DSM and anti-Autism people. We're told we have communication deficits by a world that can't get along. And this is presented to us in a fairly black and white way, not as our difference among a sea of people with their own deficits.

Only now has the idea of Autism expanded to include more people. Despite having nice degrees, many of these specialists never thought they were diagnosing the most obvious people of a much larger group. We had to fight for that recognition. We're still convincing them that we're people, not a diagnosis.

Never feel inferior to these people.
 
apolloidolsice said:
or whatever you call it :p.
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The "N" word? I prefer not to even use it. Seems more of a myth. With different meanings to different people.

Just because a group of people might be in a mathematical majority isn't the best benchmark for determining a nebulous standard of normalcy. Maybe it really is a myth and little else. ;)

Would I prefer to be "normal" ? Quite honestly I haven't a clue of what that really means. I can only be "me". Which logically is the only frame of reference I have.
 
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I think the way to “get over it“ is to shed the notion of normal. It doesn’t exist. There is no normal anywhere. We are each unique. The idea of normal is an allusion, and people all over ND or NT have this feeling of being left out of something that everyone else understands. It is an illusory concept, a social construct that only has as much meaning as you choose to give it.
 
For further evidence, look at all the different cultures across the world. What is normal to some is very much not normal to others. Look at different age groups and different generations. What was once more normal no longer is. Look to people of different races and ethnicities. What may be normal to one is not to another. Look at sexuality. Someone thing normal to one is not to another.

Normal is a very loose concept that there is some sort of coherence among social groups when it is far too easy to poke holes in the theory that normalcy exists at all.
 
Rodafina said:
For further evidence, look at all the different cultures across the world. What is normal to some is very much not normal to others. Look at different age groups and different generations. What was once more normal no longer is. Look to people of different races and ethnicities. What may be normal to one is not to another. Look at sexuality. Someone thing normal to one is not to another.

Normal is a very loose concept that there is some sort of coherence among social groups when it is far too easy to poke holes in the theory that normalcy exists at all.
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Normal is just a synonym for "common". It is "normal" for homes in the US to have flushable toilets. It doesn't mean they exist in every home, or that it's "normal" in Pakistan, or the world as a whole for that matter.

When it comes to @Rodafina's first comment, I agree completely. Humans are way too complex for there to be a "normal" except when discussing very isolated traits. I have no idea what a "normal" human would even look like or behave as. I think it's common to underestimate just how diverse people are in their thinking. We all have our own stories, which are each unique and (to me personally) interesting.
 
apolloidolsice said:
or whatever you call it :p. I don't feel normal and I hate it. I feel defective. Especially when those advertisements talk about "normal people". I also sometimes cry over how I would've been sterilized if I lived 50 to 100 years ago, and definitely would've been bullied harder if I for example was born 30 or 50 years earlier. How do I cope with this? has anyone gotten over this?
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There is an irony here. (My word how this forum encourages over sharing). So I'm a married late 40s guy. And my whole life I was never ready to be a father due to not wanting any child of mine to suffer the same pain as me. In the end I took the exact action that you referred to above by personal choice. And there was a relief at that. All this before my epiphany of understanding.

But perhaps as I'm later in life, I've got confidence of all the pathways that I've been able to forge in life as me, and not worry about the few of those that were closed to me. I can imagine it would be more challenging the younger you are.
 
I never felt the need to be like a certain group, nor have I ever felt the need to be called normal. So, I didn't need to get over that desire.

One guy I was going with once said I was like a colorful painting against the backdrop of the white wall of society. I didn't take that as an insult.
I was just me. Not trying to be like someone else. And I'm glad I lived it my way.

@Duncan74 what's oversharing?
I hear a lot of talk about info dumping or too much info.
That could be another question like what's normal?
Is it society that decided how much info we should share?
 
apolloidolsice said:
or whatever you call it :p. I don't feel normal and I hate it. I feel defective. Especially when those advertisements talk about "normal people". I also sometimes cry over how I would've been sterilized if I lived 50 to 100 years ago, and definitely would've been bullied harder if I for example was born 30 or 50 years earlier. How do I cope with this? has anyone gotten over this?
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Yes.

Earlier in life I also hated not being "normal". That meant I was "abnormal" and I hated that. But as I got older and saw how everyone else was, my feelings slowly began to change. I began to not want to be their "normal". Eventually, I came to like being abnormal. I proudly acknowledged and proclaimed that I was "weird". I owned it. I didn't want to be like them. I didn't want to be a robot limited by their conformity. I came to realize that being "normal" was being generic. Like a stamped out product from a big factory. I wanted / want to be a unique individual. I came to notice and realize that generic is never extraordinary. You can't be a great person while being generic or "normal". Every great person was not normal. They are all abnormal.

It took a long time; several decades, but now I'm happy to be me. I think it was a matter of finally figuring out who I am. I think everyone; autistics and NT's alike often struggle with actually knowing who they are. Although, I think that at every point in life, we all think we know who we are, but we really don't, at least not fully. Now that I know more about who I am, I'm OK with me. I 'm able to see my strengths and own them, even if I'm the only one who does. A quote from the movie Labor Day has stuck with me. Frank says to Henry, "You're a fine boy, Henry. Anybody who says otherwise is not worth your time."
 
When life isn't going particularly well for me, this becomes all I can focus on. What's wrong with me? That's what I keep asking myself.

There are people who will say things like "just be yourself," and "being strange is actually a good thing!" but is it really? I understand on a cosmic or even spiritual level, maybe even philosophically, it can be a good thing. But that's a very romantic perspective. The fact of the matter is that my life is not as full as it could be and that upsets me.
 
foliodoe said:
The fact of the matter is that my life is not as full as it could be and that upsets me.
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Yea, I used to feel that way. Indeed, throughout my life I felt like that until I retired and reflected back over my life and realized that my life actually turned out better than I ever thought, imagined or even desired it to. Sometimes, a win long time coming is the best win. Life is a progression. It's never over till it's over. My advice; give yourself a chance to be you, not the person the masses want's you to be.
 
Ken said:
Yea, I used to feel that way. Indeed, throughout my life I felt like that until I retired and reflected back over my life and realized that my life actually turned out better than I ever thought, imagined or even desired it to. Sometimes, a win long time coming is the best win. Life is a progression. It's never over till it's over. My advice; give yourself a chance to be you, not the person the masses want's you to be.
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I definitely do understand and respect this view! I know I've already done a lot more with my life than I ever expected or even wanted. On one hand, feeling like it's not "enough" for me keeps me motivated to continue putting in effort. But on the other hand, I judge myself so harshly. Thanks for the perspective :)
 
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