How can people tell?

[Momo]

Yep, people just seem to have the psychic ability to know you're a wee bit off kilter, I've sometimes just had people stare at me or stop a conversation with me mid-sentence just to say: "You speak funny" or "you're weird." Such phrases instil the most wonderful of notions, such as: Maybe it's time I shut up about linguistics, apparently not everybody is as interested in how Hungarian conjugates verbs and Cantonese uses a 'verb not verb' structure to ask a question rather than inflection as I am... But that Hungarian though! Verb conjugations are super sexy!

 

[Suzanne]

I say that I must have a very negative aura around me, judging on how people are with me. I only have to open my mouth once and it is like: eww keep away from her!

I am trying to come to terms with the fact that my words counts for very little. My husband says I am too dogmatic when I speak and have a sort of: you should do this. What is uncomfortable is that I am completely unaware of doing this. I am passionate about a subject that interests me, but hey isn't most?

My husband, on the other hand, can be what he "accuses" me of, but for some reason, he is allowed to talk.

I found out recently, that a woman I have known for years ( she could be a friend, but never panned out that way), has got cancer of the kidney. Well, recently I have found out the truth about cancer and so, I was eager to share this truth, but at first, I was just this annoying character and it was ONLY when she said that her daughter had also talked about essential oils, that she took note and then, my husband and her husband was more open.

She said she was suffering from pain in her lower back; obviously related to the kidney and so, I did a bit of gentle exercises on her and oh my, suddenly my word was taken.

It is like my word is rubbish and that hurts.

 

[Peeweezers]

If people start looking at me funny, I just say I have Aspergers.

 

[Grandmother B]

I have noticed that when I meet people, they can immediately tell that I am not an NT and that there is something "weird" about me, and they treat me accordingly.
People will carry on normal conversations with my mum, but once I am part of the equation they get very uncomfortable and often rude. People stare at me and give dirty looks frequently. I am often a recipient of nasty comments.
I try very hard to come across as a regular person and not be awkward but people can always tell.
I am not sure if people can tell I'm on the spectrum or another possibility is that they can tell I am gay. Either way I am really offended by the way they treat me.
Has anyone else had this experience?

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Since my grandson has Asperger's I can sometimes at least suspect that someone else is on the spectrum. Maybe it's not engaging in a lot of small talk; maybe it's being overly quiet. I just pick up on it. Just remember that there are a lot of good, compassionate people out there who would like to see the best for you. As for the being gay part, I doubt they can tell. Try not to let those people make you feel bad; then they have control over you. I hope you can be proud of who you are and concentrate on your strengths. Just treat people the way you want to be treated; you will find that most of them will return the favor. As for the ones who don't, ignore them. Bless you and good luck!

 

[Warmheart]

An autism professional explained it to me like this:

Everyone wants to feel competent.
Due to challenges reading social cues, body language, being literal thinkers, etc., people with ASD present as being socially out-of-sync.
Neurotypical people tend to feel incompetent in trying to interact with someone whose social responses are consistently so unexpected.

Good news: If the neurotypical person is confident, they enjoy getting to know us as potential friends, appreciating our unique quirks, surprising responses, and special ways of interacting.

However, If the neurotypical person is insecure, they will fear feeling incompetent, and don't want to engage with someone whose social interactions will leave them feeling inept. Such people surround themselves only with socially smooth folk who will allow them to sail through interactions feeling good about their own social abilities.

It hurts to be rejected, but it really isn't about me. Know?

 

[bbc-bananasplit]

Hello there - interesting topic =) I know the problem, too... very frustrating. Especially at uni, as well as at work - there is something about, I feel, that must appear odd: As if by intuition which I don not have humans sniffed me out for inhumaness. I have thought about it a lot - and suffered. I guess this phenomenon must have to do with one's peculiar alien-feel. It certainly feels intuition-free in social terms, and as I am hyperconscious I feel anything but relaxed in social situations - maybe this and similar fears, mistrusts and teinted self-perception adds to the problem?

off the topic: spectrum + gay, too =) How is North Conway, being homautistisexual and all that? Are people tolerant and accepting? Or are you still inside some closet? Anyway, I had a quick look at the map - curiosity as always, forgive me =) - and it looks like there is little big city life in the area... =/ Probably not quite the place for a queer guy.. But what do I know. Nothing.

 

[Kirsty]

If people start looking at me funny, I just say I have Aspergers.

Then they would probably look at you funny again and go "eh? What's that?" lol

 

[Grandmother B]

An autism professional explained it to me like this:

Everyone wants to feel competent.
Due to challenges reading social cues, body language, being literal thinkers, etc., people with ASD present as being socially out-of-sync.
Neurotypical people tend to feel incompetent in trying to interact with someone whose social responses are consistently so unexpected.

Good news: If the neurotypical person is confident, they enjoy getting to know us as potential friends, appreciating our unique quirks, surprising responses, and special ways of interacting.

However, If the neurotypical person is insecure, they will fear feeling incompetent, and don't want to engage with someone whose social interactions will leave them feeling inept. Such people surround themselves only with socially smooth folk who will allow them to sail through interactions feeling good about their own social abilities.

It hurts to be rejected, but it really isn't about me. Know?

This is great information!

 

[ladybug]

I'm constantly singled out even if I'm doing exactly the same thing as everyone else.

Even on this forum. People just hate me I guess.

Noooooooo
Hate is a very strong word....'

 

[umbrellabeach]

Noooooooo
Hate is a very strong word....'

I won't water myself down for others' comfort. I will use strong words. Not doing so would be like being murdered but describing it as "I think maybe this person is a little annoyed by me sometimes."
Never mind the message... just how it's presented is all that matters, apparently.

 

[Dannarama]

I feel as though NT's have some sort of "sixth sense" where they can tell if someone is on the spectrum......

I also noticed that the way NT's treat Aspies and people with Autism varies in different countries. People in the USA in particular are more openly hostile it seems.

Hey dude, if it's of any consolation, yes, people tend to react to Autism differently in different parts of the world.

When I read of the way it's spoken about by NTs in the US, sometimes I'm horrified, like they're speaking about an alien race that needs purification or something! xDD But my end thought is "ahhh, these poor NTs are just really scared of what they don't understand".
I'd say try to pick your battles when it comes to who you tell..... if someone has no experience with autism, or already has a negative view of it based on what they've heard, you'll be pushing sh1t uphill to change their mind, and frankly, it's not your job.
As an aspie, it's good to be aware that it must be harder for NTs to understand us sometimes.... we are a little different - our brains uses a different language sometimes.... and that's OK. It's like having a conversation with a non-English speaker.... it just requires a little more effort from them (and us!).

As for why and how they can tell.... people can just tell when something seems different from them.... it can make them uncomfortable. Sometimes we as aspies feel this about NTs, cos we can tell they're different from us.
I try to think of it as.... most people speak English, and I speak Japanese.... but my English is OK.... not great, but I can get my message across if I put the effort into learning better English.

One final thought.... sometimes if we TRY to fit in, or be more social.... naturally we do it in an "aspie-ish" way, because well, it's just what's natural to us. Sometimes less is more in this respect.

I'm lucky.... in my personal experience, nobody can tell I'm aspie... in fact, they tell me I'm outgoing, funny and extroverted, even though I'm introverted as hell.... the only person that can tell is my partner. When I do tell others, they don't believe me xDD

 

[Adora]

It could explain why I got so severely bullied when I was in school,the kids use to called me a weirdo and call me names like retard or spastic,they must of picked up on something that I didn't know years ago but they saw my weaknesses and decided to prey on those.

 

[RiverSong]

I have noticed that when I meet people, they can immediately tell that I am not an NT and that there is something "weird" about me, and they treat me accordingly.

People will carry on normal conversations with my mum, but once I am part of the equation they get very uncomfortable and often rude. People stare at me and give dirty looks frequently. I am often a recipient of nasty comments.

I try very hard to come across as a regular person and not be awkward but people can always tell.

I am not sure if people can tell I'm on the spectrum or another possibility is that they can tell I am gay. Either way I am really offended by the way they treat me.

Has anyone else had this experience?

Oh my goodness, yes. I know what you mean about that sixth sense thing. I get the 'what's wrong with you' look from people all the time. I've also gotten the mean comments when people think I'm out of earshot (I have good hearing though, lol). I'm usually ignored and left out of conversations for some reason. Or people won't speak to me when I enter a room, or they won't carry on a conversation with me even when I'm actively trying to connect with another human being.

It's almost like most people can immediately tell that something's unusual about me. Actually, for the longest time I didn't know what the strange looks people gave me really meant. I just got the general impression that most people didn't like me. It wasn't until I went to college that it became obvious to me those weird looks meant people thought I was a weirdo.

So yeah, I tend to make folks really uncomfortable or irritated for some reason when I'm just being myself. I've often felt more disliked or tolerated than ever truly liked by the people in my life.

But I try not to let it bother me as much anymore for a couple of reasons. One in particular is that I'm not defective. I like being me and happen to think that my personality is pretty fun. Also, the way my brain is wired can't be changed so why should I try to be someone I'm not? Which leads me to think...

Who cares what other people think? If they want to give their dirty looks, let them. I've found through my short time on Earth that people who criticize and mock others are trying to make up for their own insecurities. Putting others down makes them feel better about themselves.

So, I no longer care about trying to be 'normal' or faking it to fit in. It's just too much work. It's exhausting. I'm just being myself from now on and it feels so much better. If other people don't like it, oh well. Them's the breaks.

 

[John M]

My experience has been that I don't have the capacity to self identify as belonging to any particular 'group.' For example, I've been in the geographic information systems field for going on twelve years now but I don't self identify as a GIS professional. My inability to self identify as belonging to a group has some implications, such as I use language a little differently than an NT. Sometimes an NT will stick to patterns of speech that are associated with belonging to a certain group. Additionally, patterns of language are also sometimes used by an NT to show they don't belong to some groups – 'I'm a good person so I don't say X' or 'I don't want to say the word X because people might think I'm a _____.' There's a great deal on nonverbal communication that occurs as well.

The predisposition of many NTs is to lump others into groups. Because I don't have the capacity to self identify as belonging to a group I don't project social cues that are indicative of group membership. When you add to this that I'm normally very quiet people don't really know how to take me. Their predisposition is to assume something negative because this is safer for them. If they're unsure of a person then they're much more comfortable keeping them at a distance. If they lack emotional intelligence and self awareness then they might also be inclined to do something hurtful to me to prove to others they aren't like me (i.e. – they don't want to be seen as belonging to my 'group').

 

[1564]

There is no way of telling if someone is on the spectrum or not if you don't know exactly what autism is. And if NTs knew, they probably won't be assholes to aspies. The problem is people always search for facial expressions in others' faces and aspies are not really good at expressing their feelings through their face. The "emotionless" face creeps NTs out. You see... NTs' brain just don't know what is on your mind and that makes them feel unconfortable. Makes them feel like you are making fun of them in your head, makes them feel like you find them boring and rude. So they decide to act like that.

I still don't know if I'm aspie or not but around people, I try to fake a little smile when our eyes met, when they smile, or actually almost anytime is fine for a little natural smile. Excepts funerals or situations that are bad for the other person like losing a job. Facial expressions are just a way of comunication and by showing a smile that looks natural you say to NTs "I think you are a person just like me and I like your personality". It's just like using emojis - they make you understand how the person is feeling while writing

There are a lot of rules in non verbal comunication and I think every person with aspergers should learn them in order to live better confident live. There are a lot of tutorials on youtube you can try and I am sure NTs will stop being rude to you if you learn to use non verbal communication properly.

 

[Larisa]

I think there is no psychic or 'telepathic' ability - it's just most people at the first meeting throw all the efforts to 'make the good impression'.
While I (self-diagnosed) try to get invisible to watch how new people act to understand about them: what they ARE, how do they behave and act, what are they sincerely interested in?
That position of 'a thinker' I take and the questions I ask - immediately mark me as a stranger and irritate a lot people who act by the social rules

 

[ZebraAutismo]

I've thought about it too. Maybe it's our lack of eye contact, the fidgeteyneas or the fact we rarely make the first move. Sorry for the generalisation.

 

[AshleyDS]

For me - I know what the problem is. I tend to attack conversations and monopolize them. It sucks - I don't even realize I'm doing it until I'm heavily in the a**hole zone. Then I give them a chance to talk, then I do it all over again. I also have too strong of opinions.

In short - I'm abrasive and too eager.

 

[Jet Weiss]

I will try to find time to reply to this thread, I was on a plane all day and am a bit groggy atm.
Thank you for the replies everyone

 

[ladybug]

Hey dude, if it's of any consolation, yes, people tend to react to Autism differently in different parts of the world.

When I read of the way it's spoken about by NTs in the US, sometimes I'm horrified, like they're speaking about an alien race that needs purification or something! xDD But my end thought is "ahhh, these poor NTs are just really scared of what they don't understand".
I'd say try to pick your battles when it comes to who you tell..... if someone has no experience with autism, or already has a negative view of it based on what they've heard, you'll be pushing sh1t uphill to change their mind, and frankly, it's not your job.
As an aspie, it's good to be aware that it must be harder for NTs to understand us sometimes.... we are a little different - our brains uses a different language sometimes.... and that's OK. It's like having a conversation with a non-English speaker.... it just requires a little more effort from them (and us!).

As for why and how they can tell.... people can just tell when something seems different from them.... it can make them uncomfortable. Sometimes we as aspies feel this about NTs, cos we can tell they're different from us.
I try to think of it as.... most people speak English, and I speak Japanese.... but my English is OK.... not great, but I can get my message across if I put the effort into learning better English.

One final thought.... sometimes if we TRY to fit in, or be more social.... naturally we do it in an "aspie-ish" way, because well, it's just what's natural to us. Sometimes less is more in this respect.

I'm lucky.... in my personal experience, nobody can tell I'm aspie... in fact, they tell me I'm outgoing, funny and extroverted, even though I'm introverted as hell.... the only person that can tell is my partner. When I do tell others, they don't believe me xDD

That's very well put...! The English/Japanese language..... brill..!!
My son is Aspie and my partner(undiagnosed) is Aspie - they are not related.....but I have always had to be aware of the words and phrases I use, to make sure my meaning isn't lost...
My partner works in law offices and we joke as he's now 'the people person' there....! I have recently said to him 'you know you're on the spectrum, right...?' It was a big move to say it out loud to him, as I'd been aware, for all the time we've been together, and he was but no one said it out loud.... I don't know if he thought I'd run or it would change how I felt....?
As a man of few 'feeling' words... he said to me 'you are very good with me.... you are so easy for me to be with..!' And 'you put a lot of effort into our relationship.. you have to make sure everything is ok at home before you spend time here.. and I'm just here ' (his place)
This weekend we are spending 'downtime ' together-same house different rooms/spaces..... I am cooking and sorting stuff for our holiday and chilling.... he will be in the garage...
This is a first...! As his downtime has always been on his own.... I've not been invited over.... ADVICE PLS...?!?! As I don't want to mess up.....