How can I make my aspie husband happy?

[Laurachiliment]

Hugs help. Sometimes the touch of a loved one is all thats needed.

nice :x thanx!!

 

[Streetwise]

thanx for your answer^^.
it would be great to stay in bed for some days but unfortunatelly this is not an option because he nas to work, we have a baby... :/. if you have any other ideas that would help, please share.
hope you're feeling fine ^^.
thanx

I forget there are members who don’t don’t have autistic neurology I don’t mean he should stay in bed I’m telling you how I cope that is me and only me I’m telling you the truth it’s not the American dream or a fairytale it’s the way neuro diverse people are, people with bipolar disorder are the same they will stay in bed for weeks on end I couldn’t do that but that’s because I’m autistic and a lot of people with autism also have ADHD I am in bed mainly because I’ve injured myself and I think because I have ADHD and autism I don’t stay in bed but I’ve got to the point where if I don’t the pain is so bad I could do something very dangerousThe one I recommend to people I know I’ve remembered for some reason is mindfulness he needs to go onto a search engine and type in mindfulness and forms of mindfulness when I’m not in pain like no I do use adult colouring books and for me Watercolour pencils because of eye sensitivity ,some people do gardeningOther people do needlecraft, some people do woodwork ,some people dance ,some people listen to music, some people go to art galleries ,it’s just focusing so that you take your focus off anxiety ,if mine gets really bad I have what I call my bits which will be different from your husband !as it’s what I’ve experienced and I run through the different experiences in my mind that start to slow me down !until I can sleep ,whatever reason I have a meltdown or a shutdown, I have to sleep afterwards ,I think it stimulates the part of the brain that is concerned with epilepsy ,except that I don’t have an epileptic seizure,Also a larger percentage of people with the label autism spectrum disorder are diagnosed with epilepsy ,I don’t like discussing this any further !because it reminds me of the fact ,that people want to make sure that people like me don’t exist ,either by forced sterilisation or by the methods the Nazis employed in the 1940s.

 

[Aspychata]

Respect his right to privacy ; sometimes retreating for two hours helps calibrate and reset our brain. So making sure you both have a place to get away, or a do not disturb sign for at least a hour then he can recharge his battery and be on board as a husband. But like one poster said : a lot of us never marry because a lot of us refuse to date. I stop dating after about 25, just didn't have any desire. Socially, tasks involving work is a lot for me and all l care to do.

 

[Laurachiliment]

I forget there are members who don’t don’t have autistic neurology I don’t mean he should stay in bed I’m telling you how I cope that is me and only me I’m telling you the truth it’s not the American dream or a fairytale it’s the way neuro diverse people are, people with bipolar disorder are the same they will stay in bed for weeks on end I couldn’t do that but that’s because I’m autistic and a lot of people with autism also have ADHD I am in bed mainly because I’ve injured myself and I think because I have ADHD and autism I don’t stay in bed but I’ve got to the point where if I don’t the pain is so bad I could do something very dangerousThe one I recommend to people I know I’ve remembered for some reason is mindfulness he needs to go onto a search engine and type in mindfulness and forms of mindfulness when I’m not in pain like no I do use adult colouring books and for me Watercolour pencils because of eye sensitivity ,some people do gardeningOther people do needlecraft, some people do woodwork ,some people dance ,some people listen to music, some people go to art galleries ,it’s just focusing so that you take your focus off anxiety ,if mine gets really bad I have what I call my bits which will be different from your husband !as it’s what I’ve experienced and I run through the different experiences in my mind that start to slow me down !until I can sleep ,whatever reason I have a meltdown or a shutdown, I have to sleep afterwards ,I think it stimulates the part of the brain that is concerned with epilepsy ,except that I don’t have an epileptic seizure,Also a larger percentage of people with the label autism spectrum disorder are diagnosed with epilepsy ,I don’t like discussing this any further !because it reminds me of the fact ,that people want to make sure that people like me don’t exist ,either by forced sterilisation or by the methods the Nazis employed in the 1940s.

thanx a lot

I forget there are members who don’t don’t have autistic neurology I don’t mean he should stay in bed I’m telling you how I cope that is me and only me I’m telling you the truth it’s not the American dream or a fairytale it’s the way neuro diverse people are, people with bipolar disorder are the same they will stay in bed for weeks on end I couldn’t do that but that’s because I’m autistic and a lot of people with autism also have ADHD I am in bed mainly because I’ve injured myself and I think because I have ADHD and autism I don’t stay in bed but I’ve got to the point where if I don’t the pain is so bad I could do something very dangerousThe one I recommend to people I know I’ve remembered for some reason is mindfulness he needs to go onto a search engine and type in mindfulness and forms of mindfulness when I’m not in pain like no I do use adult colouring books and for me Watercolour pencils because of eye sensitivity ,some people do gardeningOther people do needlecraft, some people do woodwork ,some people dance ,some people listen to music, some people go to art galleries ,it’s just focusing so that you take your focus off anxiety ,if mine gets really bad I have what I call my bits which will be different from your husband !as it’s what I’ve experienced and I run through the different experiences in my mind that start to slow me down !until I can sleep ,whatever reason I have a meltdown or a shutdown, I have to sleep afterwards ,I think it stimulates the part of the brain that is concerned with epilepsy ,except that I don’t have an epileptic seizure,Also a larger percentage of people with the label autism spectrum disorder are diagnosed with epilepsy ,I don’t like discussing this any further !because it reminds me of the fact ,that people want to make sure that people like me don’t exist ,either by forced sterilisation or by the methods the Nazis employed in the 1940s.

I respect the fact that you don't want to talk about it anymore. people like you exist and are deep, pleasant, sensitive. it's really hard for you because of the bad people, but there are also very good people who are often too quiet or shy to be noticed.
thanx a lot for your answer, it really helps. and for sharing these with me. all the best to you!^^

 

[Laurachiliment]

Respect his right to privacy ; sometimes retreating for two hours helps calibrate and reset our brain. So making sure you both have a place to get away, or a do not disturb sign for at least a hour then he can recharge his battery and be on board as a husband. But like one poster said : a lot of us never marry because a lot of us refuse to date. I stop dating after about 25, just didn't have any desire. Socially, tasks involving work is a lot for me and all l care to do.

thanks a lot! good ideea to respect his right to privacy, i'll try to this more. his brother is 30 and just like you, didn't have any desire to date girls. too bad for my friend who likes him a lot ) but everybody knows better what they want, and that's cool^^. good luck to you, all the best!

 

[Laurachiliment]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

thank youuuiu!❤

 

[Laurachiliment]

Laura, thank you for trying.

To manage stressful social situations? I have to acknowledge that due to my autistic traits, I’m not good at social situations and it is not fair for me to make my mate miserable as I try to power thru. I’m not saying your mate does this but it’s my guess. I did.

Once I have acknowledged that I have a stressful situation I need to attend then I have to spend time preparing. I put together The who, what, when, where, why, and how ... I think it will go. I work it out in my head.

After all the preparation, the social event normally isn’t great and I stress out and need a bit of solitude afterward to recover.

It’s a lot to ask a mate; as understanding as you are, to live thru. Living with autism is complicated and includes more than just social events.

My mate left just after my diagnosis. She was exhausted and done trying. Two years later, I can understand her situation and can’t blame her for stepping away. I have a lot to give in a relationship but I bring a lot to manage. It’s better for me to be by myself.

I wish you the best. Thank you again for trying. As an autistic man I appreciate your love, care, and willingness to try.

Blessings and peace to you and your mate.

cânt wait to have time to answer you thaaanx!

 

[Laurachiliment]

These "aspie things"?! Do you have NT things then? I thought we all have just lives. I find this quite offensive.



I fully agree with that and just want to add - try talking to him. I won't speak for someone who I don't know and who isn't me. I can talk about my experiences and struggles, but I definitely won't dare to speak for anyone else. If you feel that you want to support him more and don't know how - ask him.

thanx a lot! ❤

 

[Laurachiliment]

thanx a lot! ❤

thanx a lot! ❤

it is not offensive, i am very sorry. i understand how it sounds in english, but in my language were something different, it war something cute, it is a local expression. i am so so sorry

 

[Laurachiliment]

Okay then I misunderstood. Thank you for clarifying.

sorry again, it is my bad

 

[Streetwise]

it is not offensive, i am very sorry. i understand how it sounds in english, but in my language were something different, it war something cute, it is a local expression. i am so so sorry

Please God tell me you're not relying on Google translate it gives the most bizarre translations

 

[Laurachiliment]

Please God tell me you're not relying on Google translate it gives the most bizarre translations

oh yes, i did partially

 

[Streetwise]

oh yes, i did partially

Try to find another translation service , Google translate can sometimes literally!!! translate something which you will know from your language isn't accurate, for instance somebody English could get confused with anos and anus, there is a talk show in the USA called tonight with Jimmy Fallon! and one of his sections is a skit on Google translate, if I knew what your language was I could translate the word skit, probably also known as a sketch, he gets celebrities to sing the Google translations.

 

[Laurachiliment]

Hello and Welcome.

I agree with Aspychata on the need to feel secure talking with a partner.
Trusting someone enough to feel they want to understand and won't just shut me up
with the attitude of really just don't care or want to be bothered is so important.
I still haven't found anyone I do trust that much, so most everything is kept inside with
the thought I must present what they want to hear only.

If somehow you can break through that wall of not allowing someone in that we can talk
truly with and be able to relax without masking, I think would be the most important thing.
I know it is for me.

Susan, i have one more question: what things would make you trust someone enough to open your heart to him/her?
thank you

 

[Laurachiliment]

Try to find another translation service , Google translate can sometimes literally!!! translate something which you will know from your language isn't accurate, for instance somebody English could get confused with anos and anus, there is a talk show in the USA called tonight with Jimmy Fallon! and one of his sections is a skit on Google translate, if I knew what your language was I could translate the word skit, probably also known as a sketch, he gets celebrities to sing the Google translations.

roger that

 

[Tom]

It is a complicated thing I believe. But one thing I would say off the top of my head is rather then focus on making him happy, focus on how to help him learn to be happy, or at least manage, in all situations bad and good.

But for a quick fix you might try going here:

 

[Laurachiliment]

Laura, thank you for trying.

To manage stressful social situations? I have to acknowledge that due to my autistic traits, I’m not good at social situations and it is not fair for me to make my mate miserable as I try to power thru. I’m not saying your mate does this but it’s my guess. I did.

Once I have acknowledged that I have a stressful situation I need to attend then I have to spend time preparing. I put together The who, what, when, where, why, and how ... I think it will go. I work it out in my head.

After all the preparation, the social event normally isn’t great and I stress out and need a bit of solitude afterward to recover.

It’s a lot to ask a mate; as understanding as you are, to live thru. Living with autism is complicated and includes more than just social events.

My mate left just after my diagnosis. She was exhausted and done trying. Two years later, I can understand her situation and can’t blame her for stepping away. I have a lot to give in a relationship but I bring a lot to manage. It’s better for me to be by myself.

I wish you the best. Thank you again for trying. As an autistic man I appreciate your love, care, and willingness to try.

Blessings and peace to you and your mate.

Thank you for the answer, it is useful and I have read it several times.

I used to get upset when I left for an event for no apparent reason, now I realize I didn't have to do this. From now on I will give him many details about what to do.

Question: If you have to go to a stressful event over a month, would you prefer to be announced 2-3 days in advance (less stress time) or one month before (more accommodation time)?

I don't think it's so hard to be in a relationship with him because we have a lot of things and values in common. Yes, he is an aspie, but it is not like he cheats on me or something).
As you said, he has a lot to offer too (i could already realize that you have a lot to offer only by reading your answer. maybe one day you will decide to start another relationship. Or maybe not, you know better what makes you more happy).

Thanks again for your kind answer.

 

[Laurachiliment]

Your description of preparation and recovery from social events reminds me of myself. The last couple family functions I attended, a wedding reception and a Christmas outing, resulted in my having to excuse myself to go back to our hotel to de-stress from the loud talking and cross conversations, strange lighting, etc. By 10 PM I have reached my limit, and I end up leaving my wife who stays out until 1 AM or later with her siblings bar hopping. The last time this happened my sister-in-law got mad and tried to prevent me from leaving, and I reacted poorly to this.

Hey! Do you find it ugly for your wife to stay at an event after you leave? Thank you

 

[Laurachiliment]

You have received some good advice in this thread. I want to comment about a couple of things in your opening post.

First, I'm not convinced by your description that your husband has Asperger's or autism. There are other problems that could cause the picture you describe. The first that came to mind was OCD, but there are others. It may make no difference, but it also may cause you to think about your husband in an inaccurate way.

Secondly, I always challenge the question "how can I make him happy?" None of us can make another person happy - that's a dangerous fallacy. We can create a pleasant, unstressful atmosphere in home life and our interactions, but a partner may still be unhappy. I suggest trying to have a pleasant, supportive style in your home, but give up on the concept of making him happy.

Maybe these are just semantic differences caused by a language difference. Anyway, thanks for opening this conversation.

You may be right, but he has almost all the specific features... I'll think about that.
and yes.. i think there are some semantic differences in my title, but you answered very well to what i want to ask. Thank you!

 

[Rasputin]

Hey! Do you find it ugly for your wife to stay at an event after you leave? Thank you

No, not at all.