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How can I make my aspie husband happy?

Laurachiliment said:
Thank you for the answer, it is useful and I have read it several times.

I used to get upset when I left for an event for no apparent reason, now I realize I didn't have to do this. From now on I will give him many details about what to do.

Question: If you have to go to a stressful event over a month, would you prefer to be announced 2-3 days in advance (less stress time) or one month before (more accommodation time)?

I don't think it's so hard to be in a relationship with him because we have a lot of things and values in common. Yes, he is an aspie, but it is not like he cheats on me or something:)).
As you said, he has a lot to offer too (i could already realize that you have a lot to offer only by reading your answer. maybe one day you will decide to start another relationship. Or maybe not, you know better what makes you more happy).

Thanks again for your kind answer.
Click to expand...

I find your attention to this thread refreshing. Many but not all forum posters tend to loose interest in their threads and do not accompany them to satisfaction. Good on you.

To answer your questions and comments: I’d say 2/3 days would provide me adequate preparation time. I am sure this would vary from person to person. I am glad that your relationship strong.

I wish you the very best.
 
George Newman said:
I find your attention to this thread refreshing. Many but not all forum posters tend to loose interest in their threads and do not accompany them to satisfaction. Good on you.

To answer your questions and comments: I’d say 2/3 days would provide me adequate preparation time. I am sure this would vary from person to person. I am glad that your relationship strong.

I wish you the very best.
Click to expand...

Si happy i asked, i recieved a lot of good ideas.
Thank you! Wish you the best!
 
@Laurachiliment
You ask what would make me trust someone enough to open my heart to them.

This is not an easy question to answer as the only ones I knew for certain I could be completely
comfortable with were my parents. The only people who have known me from birth.
So they knew everything about my personality and all that I have gone through in life without
any prejudices. Just acceptence.

With someone else, the more they learn, see, and know about my life and all events I have
lived through and how I react and they accept what they learn is my answer to your question.
With someone who has not known me from birth, the release of information and openess must
be gradual or I feel I will overwhelm them.
The more I can share with them and see their reaction is not one of pushing me away as they
find my life has been and will always be "different" to how they think most people live,
the more I feel at ease and trust.

I have lived with the same man 7 years now since my parents deaths and it has been very rough
to feel I don't have to mask constantly. The fact he is a very controlling and verbally abusive
person made it worse.
He is a lot older than me and has many health problems. Only this past year has he actually
shown an interest in learning about autism and I feel he is trying to understand and accept me
more instead of always getting angry and lashing out.
The nature of the partner's personality makes a big difference.
He is still easily angered at times and in public dealing with others or driving, he is very
verbally nasty.
This is confusing to me as I see him cursing about what others are doing that annoy him
and I think to myself "well, I do those things too."
 
I read the title. I thought it was me who wrote that sentence :joycat:
(except that I might not be as kind as you..)
Hope our husbands will be happy always :)
 
SusanLR said:
@Laurachiliment
You ask what would make me trust someone enough to open my heart to them.

This is not an easy question to answer as the only ones I knew for certain I could be completely
comfortable with were my parents. The only people who have known me from birth.
So they knew everything about my personality and all that I have gone through in life without
any prejudices. Just acceptence.

With someone else, the more they learn, see, and know about my life and all events I have
lived through and how I react and they accept what they learn is my answer to your question.
With someone who has not known me from birth, the release of information and openess must
be gradual or I feel I will overwhelm them.
The more I can share with them and see their reaction is not one of pushing me away as they
find my life has been and will always be "different" to how they think most people live,
the more I feel at ease and trust.

I have lived with the same man 7 years now since my parents deaths and it has been very rough
to feel I don't have to mask constantly. The fact he is a very controlling and verbally abusive
person made it worse.
He is a lot older than me and has many health problems. Only this past year has he actually
shown an interest in learning about autism and I feel he is trying to understand and accept me
more instead of always getting angry and lashing out.
The nature of the partner's personality makes a big difference.
He is still easily angered at times and in public dealing with others or driving, he is very
verbally nasty.
This is confusing to me as I see him cursing about what others are doing that annoy him
and I think to myself "well, I do those things too."
Click to expand...
i know it is a hard question to answer and thanks a lot for answering me.
I understand you very well, in fact I also feel what you feel about others, i open in front of them in the same conditions. I am sorry to hear about your parents and I hope that the relationship with your partner is getting better, now that he is open to cooperating. I would tell you more, but I do not know english so well. I wish you all the best❤
 
Gracey said:
I applaud your effort :)

Try to understand that social situations are his to figure out and find what's comfortable for him and what isn't.

You could be his 'wingman/woman' though.
Ask him how he thinks you might be able to help.
How he thinks you could support him in those sort of situations.
If indeed he would like any support.

I can understand why you would want to fix it so that he's happy :)

Just try to bare in mind that it may be something that needs acceptance more than it needs changing.

Thanks for trying though :)
Click to expand...
i dont want to change him, not at all and i hope he doesnt believe that:(. i just want to know how can i be better for him. he does that with me too. i think this is part of our job as wife and husband. thank you for your answer and sorry if i war not clear.
 
GadAbout said:
You have received some good advice in this thread. I want to comment about a couple of things in your opening post.

First, I'm not convinced by your description that your husband has Asperger's or autism. There are other problems that could cause the picture you describe. The first that came to mind was OCD, but there are others. It may make no difference, but it also may cause you to think about your husband in an inaccurate way.

Secondly, I always challenge the question "how can I make him happy?" None of us can make another person happy - that's a dangerous fallacy. We can create a pleasant, unstressful atmosphere in home life and our interactions, but a partner may still be unhappy. I suggest trying to have a pleasant, supportive style in your home, but give up on the concept of making him happy.

Maybe these are just semantic differences caused by a language difference. Anyway, thanks for opening this conversation.
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just want to add that i dont want to change him at all, i wanna be better for him, as he tries to do that for me. i was not very clear because of my english . thanx again for answering and all the best to you!
 
Laurachiliment said:
haha nice ! i hope too. we have a baby (8 months) , cant wait to see if he's on the spectrum or not. best wishes to you and your husband!
Click to expand...

I'm an undiagnosed aspie and my partner of 12 yrs is Dyslexic.
I have mainly been in long term relationships, many have been problematic but this relationship has been great due to my partner giving me and needing her own space.
She never really understood my aspire behaviour (neither did I) until we had our 3 1/2 yr old son who has ASD.
She studied the condition and realised that my son and I are very much the same and through learning to deal with his condition, she really began to understand me.
Good luck to you with your family. Your willingness to learn about ASD should set you on the right path.
 
Laurachiliment said:
hey, of course i do that, he is the best human i have ever meet. my better half <3
Click to expand...
no !:)what I meant to say is get away from calling him aspie ,It’s natural to do what’s easiest and people with typical neurology like you !like to control by putting labels on things, the label you put on him called autism is not all!!!!! of him ,he’s just human with a part that is autism,Sadly the truth is A large percentage of people with neurology like yours don’t like difference ,I wish !!I knew what language you were speaking !because you’ll probably find it hard to understand every single word we say! if ?!it’s Spanish I could try to translate some of the words that might be unusual to you, it’s not going to help !you to help him if you’re confused !and sadly !if you’re using Google that’s gonna make you even !more confused !,what I do is Google translate whatever language and usually I get an on screen immediate translator ,I don’t have to click to go to a website.
If you have a dialect tell me what it is we have another member who speaks Argentine Spanish and it is different from the Spanish spoken on mainland Spain,He’s nearly fluent in English but as I !find English hard to communicate with and I was born !in England I can imagine it must be confusing for him especially as he is partly autistic ,what I mean by partly is not all !of him is autistic, if ?!you have any kind of faith !start praying to your God !to help him ,I’m saying this as if he starts to get stressed by you helping him ,I presume !your God could do it in a much more subtle !way.
 
sparks said:
I'm an undiagnosed aspie and my partner of 12 yrs is Dyslexic.
I have mainly been in long term relationships, many have been problematic but this relationship has been great due to my partner giving me and needing her own space.
She never really understood my aspire behaviour (neither did I) until we had our 3 1/2 yr old son who has ASD.
She studied the condition and realised that my son and I are very much the same and through learning to deal with his condition, she really began to understand me.
Good luck to you with your family. Your willingness to learn about ASD should set you on the right path.
Click to expand...
happy to hear your relationship is great. i think your "condition" as a type of personality more than a condition. The only problem in my opinion is the high level of stress (i have just opened a new thread on this), or at least this is for my husband.
best wishes to you and your family!❤
 
Streetwise said:
no !:)what I meant to say is get away from calling him aspie ,It’s natural to do what’s easiest and people with typical neurology like you !like to control by putting labels on things, the label you put on him called autism is not all!!!!! of him ,he’s just human with a part that is autism,Sadly the truth is A large percentage of people with neurology like yours don’t like difference ,I wish !!I knew what language you were speaking !because you’ll probably find it hard to understand every single word we say! if ?!it’s Spanish I could try to translate some of the words that might be unusual to you, it’s not going to help !you to help him if you’re confused !and sadly !if you’re using Google that’s gonna make you even !more confused !,what I do is Google translate whatever language and usually I get an on screen immediate translator ,I don’t have to click to go to a website.
If you have a dialect tell me what it is we have another member who speaks Argentine Spanish and it is different from the Spanish spoken on mainland Spain,He’s nearly fluent in English but as I !find English hard to communicate with and I was born !in England I can imagine it must be confusing for him especially as he is partly autistic ,what I mean by partly is not all !of him is autistic, if ?!you have any kind of faith !start praying to your God !to help him ,I’m saying this as if he starts to get stressed by you helping him ,I presume !your God could do it in a much more subtle !way.
Click to expand...

now I understand very well. I'm from Romania, not Spain, but thank you very much for the intention to translate.
Of course, my husband is not defined by a label, i wouldnt say that in my language, but i dont know how to express better and more clear what i want in english. in fact, i dont feel he has a "condition", it's just a type of personality. and my only problem is that he is stressed and i would like to reduce this stress somehow. thank you very much for your suggestions, very very useful. i have just opened a new thread, inspire by you, because i realized i sayed not at all that i wanted.
And about God - He is the best solution that ever existed and will ever exist.

Thank you a lot for your answer and best wishes.
 
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