HELP! I'm really struggling with flatmate's boyfriend staying over !!!

[Hattie]

Hi,

I have autism and very bad social anxiety.

I live with my best friend in a 2 bedroom flat, we moved in a few months ago and things are going AWFULLY!! I have lived with other people before by the way, last year I successfully shared a 2 bed flat, but this is completely different.

The flatmate has a new boyfriend and he is staying over ALL THE TIME!!!!!


He stays over 3-4 times a week, and they are both quite loud, always laughing their heads off which somehow makes me feel very anxious and uncomfortable. They are especially loud once they have gone to bed....if you see what I mean.

The WORST part is that my flatmate goes to work early in the morning and she leaves the boyfriend in the flat, so I am left alone with him. He used to leave at 1pm and I literally couldn't get out of my bedroom even to pee, so we had a discussion, I told her how anxious I felt and she agreed that he will leave by 10am. But I still feel very uncomfortable. When we had the discussion, I told her that I would of liked it if she asked if I would mind being alone with him in the flat, or at least told me that he was in the flat so I wouldn't be so on edge all the time, but she completely disagreed. She said that she spoke to a lot of people and they all agreed that she can do whatever she wants in her own flat without having to "ask permission". she said that it doesn't affect me because I'm always sleeping in the mornings anyway (due to depression), but it really does.

She knows that I have aspergers, depression and anxiety. But i don't know what is reasonable or socially acceptable to ask. Or how on earth to make the situation better.

PLEASE HELP, I am struggling so much with day to day life because of this. I just want to give up.

p.s. our tenancy finishes in 3 months (it was a 6 month let) so that is how long I have to stay for.

 

[kay]

I don't know what you should do, but I wouldn't be able to tolerate it either. It seems rude of your flatmate to practically have him living there. Sorry you are in such a bad situation.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Is your name on the apartment lease? If not you can move out. If so, can you tell your flat mate that her boyfriend needs to pay 1/3 of the rent since he's virtually living there? She sounds incredibly inconsiderate at best, totally selfish at worst. Sorry you have to put up with this- it would really piss me off especially the loudness and lack of privacy.

 

[onlything]

I don't think you can do anything about it, though I will agree that it is her that is behaving like an a*hole. I share a room with an NT and according to her you need to let your flatmate know that you're bringing a stranger to the house, especially if you know that they have mental illness like depression, anxiety or ptsd. She brought her love once to our room and they went to sleep together in her bed which I didn't know about and she apologised for it profusely. If worst comes to worst, you can check the contract of your rental or talk to your landlord about the situation? Though I'm not sure it will help.

The only thing I can suggest for now are ear plugs, lock and headphones with loud music. If it makes it feel safer, keep a weapon in your room.

 

[Hattie]

Thanks so much for the advice Lucy. My name is on the lease unfortunately
I could ask about the rent but I feel that 3-4 nights a week isn't enough for me to say he is practically living there, even though it feels that way to me!!!
I was thinking of maybe asking if he could stay 2 nights max a week. But I know she would think that incredibly rude of me to ask.

 

[Hattie]

Would it be unreasonable to ask if he stays 2 nights max? Or that he stays here the same amount of times that she stays at his a week? (He lives with his parents but she is allowed to stay).
Also is it unreasonable to suggest that the boyfriend is not allowed in the flat without the girlfriend present?

 

[Hattie]

I feel it's unreasonable to ask as she leaves the house at 8am for work.

 

[Rebekah Spencer]

I'm pretty sure your lease should state how often visitors are allowed to stay at your place. If it does this still doesn't help with the problem of your friend and her treatment of you when standing up for your right to feel comfortable and safe in your own home! I am so sorry that she has turned out to be the kind of person who does not understand or respect healthy boundaries.

 

[Rebekah Spencer]

I just saw your questions above and think all of them sound reasonable.

 

[Myway]

Hello, Hattie. I am so sorry for your situation. I have severe social anxiety too. But, the lease should say something about visitors. Maybe get a new flatmate. or something like that. You shouldn't have to feel anxious and uncomfortable. That isn't right.

 

[LucyPurrs]

If your lease has limits on visitors that might solve most of the problem but if it doesn't I think you are very fair to tell her that as you pay 1/2 the rent, you have the right to set some limits on how often her bf can stay. It kind of sounds like the friendship is going by the wayside anyway so encourage you to stick up for yourself and don't let her treat you like a doormat or take advantage of you which it sounds like she is doing. Think the earplugs are also a good suggestion and also a lock for your bedroom door if that will increase your sense of safety. It is really the pits you have to deal with this situation and I think that you have every right to feel comfortable and safe in your own home like Rebekah said. I doubt any NT would stand for your flat mate's behavior so don't think that just because you don't like it it's because you're an Aspie. You just have reasonable boundaries which she does not.

 

[Katleya]

I'm going to be very literal, here:
Can your flatmate do whatever she wants in her part of the apartment? Let's assume so. But this is her boyfriend we're talking about, not her. She has every right to be home as much as she wants, but if he isn't on the lease, paying his share, and vetoed by the both of you, the "whatever she wants" part does not apply.
I'd feel more comfortable about asking for him to pay a third of the rent (practical argument) than about limiting visits (seems more emotional, and your flatmate doesn't seem like she knows about things such as respect and boundaries).

I hadn't thought about the visit limitations on the lease, because I'd never seen that outside of some particular student housing, but that sounds like solid advice, and you should definitely check what your lease says about that.

The fact that you don't feel safe is your most solid argument. He should at the minimum leave at the same time as she does, doesn't matter how early that is, that's his problem, not yours, and that's for her to deal with, not you.

In the meantime, check your lease for the conditions to replace a flatmate. One of you is going to have to go before the end of the 3 months, and I'd advise that you prepare yourself to the idea that you might be the one needing to go (to be honest, I know it's petty, but I would quietly find something else, and then pack up & leave while she's gone, leaving a note saying that since she wants her boyfriend to live-in so much, he can pay your half of the rent. But I can be somewhat extreme in my behavior).

At any rate, good luck for whatever time you have left with her. I only had a suitemate for 4 months in college, and she had her boyfriend stay with her (against the rules) for the last 5 days of school. I can't begin to explain how upset I was hearing them all the time and sharing a bathroom with a man I didn't know. The fact that I'd find my mini bath mat, which I'd carefully put up to dry, drenched in water and crumpled next to the toilet 3 days in a row was enough already to send me into a rage, so I can't imagine what being alone in an apartment with a stranger might feel like...

 

[Judge]

Interesting. If this is in fact an "Assured Shorthold Tenancy" agreement, it appears there is a condition in the standardized form that reads as follows:

2.2
The Tenant must not allow any other adults to live at the property without the
written consent of the Landlord which must not be unreasonably withheld or
delayed. (Page 13 of the .pdf file)


If this is a part of the conditions in your Assured Shorthold Tenancy agreement you may want to remind your flatmate that she may be violating the terms of your agreement with the landlord. Assuming of course that this is the type of agreement in question, and that this condition is a part of it. And that no such written consent was ever given by your landlord. Of course it's also feasible that she may subsequently request such permission after the fact and get it.

https://www.gov.uk/government/uploa...orthold_Tenancy_and_Accompanying_Guidance.pdf

 

[LucyPurrs]

Interesting. If this is in fact an "Assured Shorthold Tenancy" agreement, it appears there is a condition in the standardized form that reads as follows:

2.2
The Tenant must not allow any other adults to live at the property without the
written consent of the Landlord which must not be unreasonably withheld or
delayed. (Page 13 of the .pdf file)


If this is a part of the conditions in your Assured Shorthold Tenancy agreement you may want to remind your flatmate that she may be violating the terms of your agreement with the landlord. Assuming of course that this is the type of agreement in question, and that this condition is a part of it. And that no such written consent was ever given by your landlord. Of course it's also feasible that she may subsequently request such permission after the fact and get it.

https://www.gov.uk/government/uploa...orthold_Tenancy_and_Accompanying_Guidance.pdf

Yeah but if the lease does have that clause, then Hattie can alert the landlord that she does NOT want the bf in the apartment as a tenant. In fact she could alert the landlord to that now if she wants to or advise her flat mate that she will if flat mate doesn't respect her right to privacy and safety.

 

[Hattie]

Thank you everyone, for your kind advice.

I have looked up the tenancy agreement, it is an assured shorthold tenancy agreement and it says that the tenant must....

"Not permit any visitor to stay on the property for a period of more than three weeks within any three month period"

So I don't know what help that is.

Also I don't think that him staying 3-4 nights is enough to accuse him of "living here".

All these supportive messages have made me feel a bit better in myself.

I don't think I can talk to my flatmate yet. I am quite traumatised from the last time I tried to.

Also there is a lot more to the story. I didn't mention that we moved here together to work on our music career (she is the lead singer and I am lead guitarist in an established band). It is my special interest and I am obsessed with making the band successful. So I feel like I need to stay on good terms with her and I must stay living in the flat.

To complicate things further, another reason the friendship is very tense at the moment is because she is committing no time to the band and all the plans I have made are crumbling apart. She is dedicating about 4 hours a week to the band, when i would rather it be 4 hours a day haha.

I have set myself a deadline; if she doesn't pull her socks up and the band is not a success by the time our tenancy runs out on the 3rd march. I am moving back home to London to work on my solo career, perhaps as a session musician.

However I am extremely stressed, anxious and depressed at the moment, the flatmates actions of not committing to the band and having the boyfriend stay over all the time have affected me so much.
Her attitude is really consuming me, I tried to stand up for myself (something I have never done before), she called me childish, unreasonable and not emphathetic (even though I care so deeply about not upsetting here, it affects me so much, I am constantly on edge.) The confrontation left me feeling ashamed and hopeless.

I feel completely lost to myself. Unsafe. Confused. Unsure of the future.

 

[Judge]

Yeah but if the lease does have that clause, then Hattie can alert the landlord that she does NOT want the bf in the apartment as a tenant. In fact she could alert the landlord to that now if she wants to or advise her flat mate that she will if flat mate doesn't respect her right to privacy and safety.

The problem remains in just notifying a landlord over such an issue. Where the landlord may just act against both parties and not just the one directly violating the agreement.

In other words, to complain about your flatmate just might get her put out on the street as well in a worst-case scenario. Otherwise while the landlord may be more understanding, it doesn't negate the likelihood of ill-feelings between both tenants.

- "Catch-22".

Though being Britain and not the US it's difficult to contemplate other possible legal considerations outside the tenant agreement itself. If of course they exist.

Seems to be the most logical course of action to simply prepare to move out when the terms and conditions of the rental agreement end. At least she has time to organize such a move.

 

[LucyPurrs]

The problem remains in just notifying a landlord over such an issue. Where the landlord may just act against both parties and not just the one directly violating the agreement.

In other words, to complain about your flatmate just might get her put out on the street as well in a worst-case scenario. Otherwise while the landlord may be more understanding, it doesn't negate the likelihood of ill-feelings between both tenants.

- "Catch-22".

Though being Britain and not the US it's difficult to contemplate other possible legal considerations outside the tenant agreement itself. If of course they exist.

Seems to be the most logical course of action to simply prepare to move out when the terms and conditions of the rental agreement end. At least she has time to organize such a move.

Makes sense Judge. But her last post indicates she's not willing to do anything to upset her relationship with her flat mate so she might just have to live with her until the lease runs out. But it's too bad Hattie seems to be blaming herself for her flat mate's lack of consideration as it doesn't appear to be Hattie's doing.

 

[Judge]

Makes sense Judge. But her last post indicates she's not willing to do anything to upset her relationship with her flat mate so she might just have to live with her until the lease runs out. But it's too bad Hattie seems to be blaming herself for her flat mate's lack of consideration as it doesn't appear to be Hattie's doing.

Good point. This isn't any of Hattie's doing.

It all reminded me of a very similar situation my cousin was once in. She shared an apartment with a friend from work and they both seemed to get along quite well. But the chemistry all changed when her friend started bringing home her latest boyfriend who was there at all hours of the night, making my cousin not feeling welcome- or even comfortable in her own home.

I'm afraid it's a common exposure for most anyone choosing to share a rental. One that can potentially end a friendship as much as a rental agreement.

 

[Ambi]

Either stick it out the last 3 months - count down the days, use white noise, stay in your room, watch videos to distract you, etc. OR do the confrontation and ask that since it is just 3 more months, could your flatmate please stop having her boyfriend over all the time - make some rules/boundaries. It was for these kinds of reasons that I couldn't share an apartment beyond college - and the college scenario made me severely anxious. I understand that it's very hard to afford a place of our own sometimes though - I got so, so lucky in just finally marrying and moving in with my husband. Next time you look for a place, please do emphasize that you need it to be quiet and private - there must be a few other people out there who want the same thing....let's hope!

 

[Tom]

Short answer: Change flatmates. Talk with new flatmate about mutually agreeable rules about stay-over friends. I personnaly am against it ever being regular. Once in a while might be ok, but not being left alone with them, unless its a sister/Mom or something similar.