Help decipher my recent visit to my aspie interest?

[kyliewyote]

Hi all --

I've posted a few times, and have read HEAPS on this site. My brief story is that I met a man whom I believe may be an aspie, but it is a topic that I would likely never bring up (he is very against labels).

We live in different states, but through his company and a hobby of mine, I met and then have seen him about every 2-3 months. We were friends at first, but then there were signs of interest, and I finally asked him about 9 months ago, and yes, interest on both sides.
However, I was divorcing my husband (process took longer than expected), and both of us are very principled, so nothing happened or was discussed, but we enjoyed time together, sometimes alone, and most often with others. We had a nice progression of getting to know each other, and he was kind and supportive and had good advice for me through some very difficult times. My brain did go 1000mph sometimes, and while I normally am not emotional nor non-thinking, I definitely had been for a while.

Everything was finalized recently with my divorce, and I visited the past 3 days. I was hoping there may be a little deeper sharing, so when we had some time alone, I brought it up.

And ouch.....He said that he valued my friendship, and did not want that to change. He thought that if things moved deeper, only negative things could result. He is not sure if he is going to stay at his company a month or a year or stay where he is. He said I was vulnerable (emotionally) from what I had gone through with the divorce (there were some abusive and other times that obviously made it very hard on me), and that he did not want to hurt me by leaving, if he did leave. He also said that he did not want to have a sporadic and long-distance relationship that could potentially prevent me from meeting someone else to have a long-term relationship in future. He said he was sorry to have led me on. He was holding my hand the whole time....
He also compared it to the only other small relationship he had, where when he moved from where he was working (similar to his mention of maybe leaving work now), his girlfriend was really hurt, and actually "surprised" him by moving as well. This "broke the rules", and he ended everything.
In the one early conversation we had about interest, he did have a scared look about "divorce isn't about me, is it?" (no, it was not), and "I don't want to get married" (fine by me)

The next day, there was a lot of outside work, and we worked hard side by side. He made me a lunch with a TON of effort -- not just a sandwich on a plate, but decorated with berries and melon around it.
I still see him averting his eyes when I sometimes look his way. He beamed when I was talking and joking to a vendor he was getting some equipment from. He took me to dinner, then for a sorbet, and treated me like a queen. I had to leave today, and he took some time off and treated me to a couple hours of behind-the-scene time.
And, while normally the owner of the company takes me to the airport, he did.

I gave him a hug, and while it was longer than a normal friend, he did cut it off shorter than the long ones we had in the past. I said to him that I was comfortable with him and us, and that was what was most important to me. And he said "that is all that matters to me". One more shorter-than-usual-but-longer-than-typical-friend-hug, and I walked into the airport.

Things were going so well, and ironically (or maybe sensing), I posted a couple questions last week about Aspies backing away.

I plan to travel out in October, and talk on the phone, etc as normal (which is only on occasion). I do truly care about him, and he will forever be one of my closest friends, but still hoping for me.

It would have been easier if he had just said that he wasn't interested in me, but what to think we all the rest of the above....?

I know nobody knows us, nor the whole detailed situation, but ANY thoughts and deciphering what's going on would be appreciated....

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Hi, Kyliewote.

I can't speak to your specific situation, but from the divorcees that I do know well, they were all recovering from not just the marriage, but the divorce process itself, for up to a year. The ones that knew it didn't choose to go into other relationships quickly. The two that didn't...well, they didn't have great dating experiences, because they couldn't see how they were misreading situations.

People often work really hard trying to make the rejection feel better--"hey I like you, really, see the effort I'm putting out? But I don't like you in that way now." It doesn't mean it couldn't change later.

My sense just from your story is that you think he's a safe haven, or a saviour, or a destination. That could well be making him nervous. It's a good time to learn who you've learned to be for yourself, and then figure out what that could mean vis-a-vis other people.

Others may see it differently. Good luck!

 

[Tom]

That he said he did have interest and then backed away from it was leading you on. He did apologize for it but just apologies don't fix those sort of things.

So my read is he doesn't want to develop the relationship, and now that it is possible he's afraid you will, so he's looking for escape routes and trying to let you know its going to happen. He liked it as it was, a casual no commitment thing.

If you completely back away from it, he might hang in there if he thinks it will remain casual. There might even be intimate events. But its casual and not meant to evolve into something more permanent.

I would think the best choice is to back away from it completely, and consider it done. That way you can focus on something new. If he contacts you and wants to keep the loose connection going its up to you if you want that too.

 

[Beverly]

I see a few things going on here. He is a bit on edge about commitment, slightly afraid of it and, that's understandable. he wants his ideal of a relationship and, for him that means forever or not at all. That's also him avoiding being hurt or hurting you.

His job situation may be changing and he may be moving before too much longer and he doesn't think he could handle a long distance romance nor, does he wish to prevent you from dating and having a local relationship if that happens.

Finally, you just got divorced, form his perspective getting involved now looks like a rebound relationship and, those rarely work out well. He doesn't seem willing to take that risk.

Still he doesn't want to loose your friendship, maybe even friends with benefits would be okay but, no commitment and not too much emotional involvement - in short keep the L word out of it. (love)

I could be wrong but that's my read on what you posted here.

 

[Suzanne]

Not knowing very much, I am just pretty much going on an aspie hunch here lol and say that is not trying to lead you on, but genuinely likes you as a friend; someone he cares about, but not specifically in a romantic way.

I tend to be like this actually and sometimes my husband has misunderstood and think that I actually like the chap I am avidly talking to, but am with it with both sexes ( when they are super nice)!

I can empathise with you, since you are developing feelings for him and it is so EASY to imagine more than there is! But he was being truthful with you and that is to be treasured.

 

[kyliewyote]

Thanks for the feedback so far...

Aspergirl4hire: our interest in each other was far before my divorce process began, and he has truly been supportive through it. The others he works for, and even other visitors have mentioned to me that they see his interest in his shyness, awkwardness, etc around me, when we're very comfortable just together. He asked me not to talk about us to anyone. So, the interest wasn't "put out". I stuck withe my marriage for years for my daughter (until she told me she wanted a different dad). She is my life, and I had no interest in finding other men. I've spent the past 3 years "getting back to me", and this hobby happened to be one of the things in that process. I'm very strong and independent, and he just happened along...not a safe haven, a saviour, destination -- just someone that I can communicate and share with on a different level vs anyone else I've ever know (we do have a very deep, trusting, and caring relationship). But, yes, the divorce process, particularly recently, has been pretty horrible, and has definitely affected me. I'm usually not too emotional, but have been recently, and also have made a few too-quick-thinking mistakes (vs slowing down and doing things with thought).

Tom: I am also very close friends with his co-workers, and it is a "niche" hobby, and my luckiness to be brought like family on the inside is 1 in a zillion (sorry I can't expand on the business/hobby). And, we truly are very close friends, and each of us has opened up to each other deeper than I think either of us ever have with others. I agree with completely back away....I am very lucky to have him as such a good friend. And, that gives him trust and space (vs his last girlfriend that moved countries to be with him as a surprise, which shut that whole relationship down)....I guess keeping my one little bit of optimism.

Beverly: his ideal relationship is not marriage. And I don't feel the need for that either (I wasn't going to get married, because to me it can be a bit of a social status thing vs person-to-person commitment, but I did for my daughter).
And, points taken on the hurt, local relationship, etc -- it's just hard to have someone tell you that they are not going to be with you so that they don't hurt you (my attitude is I'd rather make that choice and chance being hurt. Life has ups and downs and highs and lows, and I have never shied away from fully living, even if it means more chance for a few more lows).
And yes, the divorce is certainly a part of it -- it was 'safe' while I was married, and now it's open. He's not a rebound, and we've talked about that. He just came and grew into my life in the past 3 years....
He said he loved me on the phone about 6 weeks ago as we hung up. Could have been real, or a slip, but advice noted on the "L word" Thanks for your angles...

Suzanne: He knew he was sharing with me, and yes, he did "lead me on", but not in a negative uncaring way, and I actually have no issue or hurt from it. I think he was, and is, being genuine. We are incredibly close, and even had some deeper talks on issues other than us the next evening. He did also say that he was partially going on his one and only relationship in the past, where the gal was "needy and clingy". When we had the one original talk about interest, he actually said to me "you're not going to move here, are you??". His historical experiences seem to be very "linear" to his present belief of how things will go (not just with me, but many other aspects of his life).

For now, I plan to be "all friend". I respect what he has said, and while "being friends" often is a polite way to say that two people go their different ways, I am pretty sure and happy that we will truly always be in communication and very close. And, maybe some time as friends (ya, the eternal optimist in me) will let him see I'm not his past relationship, and then who knows. And, time for me as friends will let a lot of my headspin to calm down as well....

thank you all, and anyone else, please pipe in....