Help: Brother's obsessed with his girlfriend?

[Breex]

I'm not entirely sure if this is where this thread belongs, because I'm not a parent (sorry). I'm the sister of an autistic 16 year old, and I'd really appreciate some help. My parents don't really make any effort to understand the thought processes of an autistic child, and don't try to understand certain things that are attributed to it either. So it's kind of left up to me, and because of that, my brother and I are pretty close. He tells me more than he'll tell our parents. That's not to say that I know what I'm doing, though...

Recently, my brother has been able to get back with a girlfriend he had in the past (I believe she's also autistic, if that matters at all). Ever since, he's kind of been obsessed with her. He's constantly talking about her, thinking about her, making things for her, worrying about her, etc. I thought it was kind of cute at first, but now it's impacting things like his chores, schoolwork, conversations (because it's pretty much all he'll talk about), and most recently, his behavior.

I've tried explaining to him in the simplest, most obvious way, that she is not the whole world and he has to be able to focus on other things. The day after I sat and had that talk with him, he came home and told me he got in trouble and almost got suspended for kissing her in the hallway in front of a teacher. Since then, he's had a couple more infractions over PDA (although smaller, like hugging and holding hands, he apparently is very close to being expelled for it?). My parents found out and are resorting to hour-long yelling sessions over it, as if that's going to make a difference.

I guess what I'm asking is, can anyone give me some suggestions/advice on what to do? I have no idea what to do about this and I really don't like the way that my parents are treating this. I feel like it'll just make him shut down and stop talking to everyone.

 

[Ylva]

She's his special interest? That's kind of awesome. I've been in love like that. It did impact my school work.

If she's autistic she might not be repelled by his obsession like an NT might feel compelled to.

Maybe they could keep it out of school, if the school is so obsessed with it. Maybe he can compartmentalize. Maybe she is his therapy and as long as the parents keep traumatizing him with their yelling-and-disconnection-punishments he will be literally unable to function without her, or you. My sister has been invaluable to me.

Ususally my only advice on problem solving is this: Get creative.

 

[Breex]

She's his special interest? That's kind of awesome. I've been in love like that. It did impact my school work.

If she's autistic she might not be repelled by his obsession like an NT might feel compelled to.

Maybe they could keep it out of school, if the school is so obsessed with it. Maybe he can compartmentalize. Maybe she is his therapy and as long as the parents keep traumatizing him with their yelling-and-disconnection-punishments he will be literally unable to function without her, or you. My sister has been invaluable to me.

Ususally my only advice on problem solving is this: Get creative.

I've suggested to my parents that he be able to go over to her house or something of the like, but they aren't looking like they're going to allow it because my mom is holding a grudge over him "not trying" with his yearly test or something like that - not much I can do about it. I would love it if he could compartmentalize in this situation, but it seems like if he's even capable of doing it, he needs assistance, which I'm not sure how to do. I have my own mental things going on, and I'm only a year older than him, so I feel pretty useless right now that I can't help in a lot of ways.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I've suggested to my parents that he be able to go over to her house or something of the like, but they aren't looking like they're going to allow it because my mom is holding a grudge over him "not trying" with his yearly test or something like that - not much I can do about it. I would love it if he could compartmentalize in this situation, but it seems like if he's even capable of doing it, he needs assistance, which I'm not sure how to do. I have my own mental things going on, and I'm only a year older than him, so I feel pretty useless right now that I can't help in a lot of ways.

Sometimes siblings understand their brother or sister better than the parents do.

 

[Mr. Cat]

That happened to me with my first boyfriend. It's what finally got me sent to therapy. I think you're handling it pretty well kindly telling him she's not everything and staying calm about it. What your parents are doing definitely would make it worse. I think you really need try to help them change their ways and be more understanding (I'm sure you have tried, but keep at it if you can).

It took me 6 years to snap out of that phase and I'm not sure much could've been done to help it, unfortunately. A special interest is powerful...

 

[Beverly]

That's awesome for both of them but, it sounds as if he's going to get into major trouble if he doesn't cool the PDA at school.

You won't get his focus off her but, you can make self restraint about her for him. Explain that both she and he would be very upset if he got suspended or expelled, so, if he wants to keep seeing her every day at school, he needs to show self control and not kiss her or anything at school. Also tell him that if they don't do any PDA at school, it will be more fun and more special out of school, when they can do that stuff and not get in trouble for it.

I'm sure you're more creative than I at imagining scenarios and reason, ways to convince your brother that doing what he should do is about her, for her, or so that they can continue to be together and see each other often.

 

[N64boy96]

Depends on how old the relationship is, sounds pretty new but I'm not entirely sure. I'm not that deep in it when it comes to a girl but it sounds like The Honeymoon Phase. She's all he thinks about because it's a new relationship and he's all in but he'll get over it eventually in due time. If it goes on longer than that then you may want to get him some professional help because being that obsessive over someone that long isn't healthy

 

[Tom]

Thats a tough one. In my day PDA like that was permitted, and the first burgeoning of love is hard to suppress. And I tended to obsess on girls too. Tbh, my gut reaction would be to not stop it but try and help him find ways do things in ways that won't get him in trouble.

P.S. But about him talking about nothing else (which is annoying) I would be blunt (though not in a demeaning way) and say something like 'I know you are in love with this person, but I am not so can we talk about something else too?'

 

[Tanya]

Maybe you are trying to protect him from a broken heart. But if it doesn't work out, his heart will be broken regardless. Let him enjoy being in love for now, and just support him by being his sister. It's nice you care so much about him, I wish I had siblings that cared like that.

 

[Jonathan Lees]

he got in trouble and almost got suspended for kissing her in the hallway in front of a teacher. Since then, he's had a couple more infractions over PDA (although smaller, like hugging and holding hands, he apparently is very close to being expelled for it?).

sorry i cant give any better advice than what has already been given on the thread, there is some good advice here. im a bit confused why the school are punishing this its pretty normal and natural behaviour for young people and literally impossible to try and suppress. very impressed in how much you obviously care for your brother and how you are trying to help him. hope it goes well for him and you (don't beat yourself up about it he's not your responsibility)

 

[paloftoon]

She's his special interest? That's kind of awesome. I've been in love like that. It did impact my school work.

If she's autistic she might not be repelled by his obsession like an NT might feel compelled to.

Maybe they could keep it out of school, if the school is so obsessed with it. Maybe he can compartmentalize. Maybe she is his therapy and as long as the parents keep traumatizing him with their yelling-and-disconnection-punishments he will be literally unable to function without her, or you. My sister has been invaluable to me.

Usually my only advice on problem solving is this: Get creative.

This could go really bad too, so take it for what it is.
But, you could try to reach out the girlfriend yourself and discuss situations 1-1. If you think the girlfriend's parents are supportive, you can let them know why you're reaching out to her. Situation where you're 18+ and they are under 18 can be awkward, so be careful, and ask others you trust if you aren't sure about boundaries, etc.

 

[paloftoon]

. . .there is some good advice here. im a bit confused why the school are punishing this its pretty normal and natural behaviour for young people and literally impossible to try and suppress. very impressed in how much you obviously care for your brother and how you are trying to help him. hope it goes well for him and you (don't beat yourself up about it he's not your responsibility)

The school is doing this because they are institutions of learning. If they are open to such infatuation and such, some couples would take it as far as sex. The school doesn't want to be liable for inappropriate conduct and children getting abused, so they need to "clamp down" on this before it happens, or in such a way so that they won't be liable if something inappropriate does happen. Unfortunately, a few sick people ruin what could otherwise just be human nature.

 

[Jonathan Lees]

The school is doing this because they are institutions of learning. If they are open to such infatuation and such, some couples would take it as far as sex. The school doesn't want to be liable for inappropriate conduct and children getting abused, so they need to "clamp down" on this before it happens, or in such a way so that they won't be liable if something inappropriate does happen. Unfortunately, a few sick people ruin what could otherwise just be human nature.

i guess so, the young need education and support not punishment though. yes some will always ruin and abuse what other wise would be natural and harmless and thus young people do need care and support when tackling these issues, i just don't believe punishment is the best way to do so all of the time.

 

[paloftoon]

i guess so, the young need education and support not punishment though. yes some will always ruin and abuse what other wise would be natural and harmless and thus young people do need care and support when tackling these issues, i just don't believe punishment is the best way to do so all of the time.

I do agree with what you say in general, although the OP gives me the impression that the individual she describes has made so many repeat offenses that the school feels forced to take further action. On "a few" occasions, simple redirecting would be fine. If the school jumped right to punishment immediately without taking intermediary steps, then I do agree that either they need to change their policies or the staff involved need to have a discussion with the student to remedy the situation and understand good ways to approach this kind of situation.

School environment and culture is important to consider too. If staff are put in a situation where they have to make an example of someone before it multiplies, then their immediate action could arguably be justified too.

I think we need to know more to make a more specific, fair assessment of the situation.

 

[Jonathan Lees]

I do agree with what you say in general, although the OP gives me the impression that the individual she describes has made so many repeat offenses that the school feels forced to take further action. On "a few" occasions, simple redirecting would be fine. If the school jumped right to punishment immediately without taking intermediary steps, then I do agree that either they need to change their policies or the staff involved need to have a discussion with the student to remedy the situation and understand good ways to approach this kind of situation.

School environment and culture is important to consider too. If staff are put in a situation where they have to make an example of someone before it multiplies, then their immediate action could arguably be justified too.

I think we need to know more to make a more specific, fair assessment of the situation.

yeah it depends on the specific situation and circumstance.

 

[S0093679]

She clearly is everything to him, so telling him otherwise wont work. I think the first thing is to step into his frame of reference (rather than the social frame) and accept that she is everything, literally, to him. ie get into his mind and think the way he does. So what would I need if my obsession were getting in the way of everything? I would need rules. 1) My sister does not want to hear about my girlfriend all day and she will remind me to talk about a different topic repeatedly till her face is blue (trying for a hint of humour but the point is still valid) 2) I will be told in no uncertain terms that kissing/hand holding at school is not acceptable and I will agree not to do it until we walk out of the door, or will wait for lunch break and go for a walk etc

But how do we get him to stick to the rules? You cant get him to do anything he doesnt want to do, so he needs a reason that means something to him. This is the basis of moral reasoning and sometimes it is a little different for autie/aspie types. Not worse, just different. Yelling and shouting, guilt trips, grudges.... it doesnt help and really your parents should know better, but hey, being grown up is not all its cracked up to be and being a parent is full of loopholes.

So how do you find positive motivation for him to comply with the rules? Can you do a reward system for him? The idea is for kids but it works for adults sometimes too. Maybe he can have his pocket money every two days if he hasnt gotten into trouble at school? What does he enjoy? Maybe a new toy train once a month if he likes trains. Find something he likes and give him a series of short-term achievable goals to aim at with rewards. Maybe the girlfriend could be the reward - maybe you (and/or your parents??) can help him take his girlfriend to the cinema at the weekend if he doesnt snog her in the hallway?

I also think it is likely that he will struggle to obey social rules in the future which may infringe on the law. The law can seem arbitrary (pointless and without specific reasoning) to some aspie/auties, including me and my husband.... and our son... and daughter. Our other daughter must ensure that EVERYONE abides by EVERY rule. Meh. A house full of aspies. I digress....
So he might need to find motivation to stay on the right side of the rules/laws and self-administered reward system might work for him. Just a thought <3