Good Intentions Are Not Always Enough

[Gomendosi]

I always try to have good intentions, I really do want the best for people, I want to help them or see them succeed on their own, but often times being like that is not enough because as an Aspie you may not be able to clearly deliver that message in such a way for it to be taken as a positive gesture.
Often time I will say things that I feel could be inspiring or beneficial or even if I admonish I do so in such a way as to guide rather than make the person feel bad, but there are oft perceived negative connotations to anything in the minds of people and so anything can just as easily be misconstrued.

How does one convey thoughts and feeling in such a way that the original intent is clearer, this is something I struggle with, I may post something or say something to somebody and they take it badly so then they close their mind to the forthcoming explanation meant to clarify the situation, upon further attempts at clarification it can be seen as badgering and things may turn nasty then.
Communication is such a fine line to tread and yet everybody else seems to have little or less trouble managing it than I.

What are some suggestions for a person that feels this way or some stories of your own if you have felt like this?

 

[MoCoffee]

Please believe me, you are definitely NOT the only person with anxiety about how you are communicating. I am so concerned, that I usually read over and edit my posts 5 or more times before I actually post them, and I still second guess myself. I worry that something I say might make a reader feel bad about themselves. I hope to be an encouragement to others, but I, like you, am human and fallible. All we can do is our best.

 

[Arashi222]

The problem comes when people close their minds to what is truely trying to be said. I know that people do that to me all the time...less on the internet as I have more time to think usually about what I am saying so being misunderstood online is less. But in person. As I don't process information very quickly I tend to say something without thinking what they might perceive even though my intention maybe to give compliment or to be encouraging or whatever. I know that for me and my ex-friend it was always like that in person. She would say something and I would take it literally and get super upset. Or I would say something in an attempt to understand and she would get made saying i was accusing her of something. So Its just hard communication that is supposed to be easy never comes easy for us.

 

[ArtistVia]

I've done this a lot as well and someone told me once when I try to help without being asked, the message I'm sending is "I don't think you're capable of doing this yourself" which was so NOT my intended message. That helped me keep my mouth shut at least a little more often.

 

[Christy]

I am very hesitant to give advice myself. The first question I ask is "who am I to be the one giving it to them?" I don't think people like being given unsolicited advice from people they don't completely trust.

And sometimes people don't want you to solve their problems, they just need someone to vent to. If they're trying to destress by voicing their issues, and you keep chiming in with solutions, then in my experience an argument evolves.

Also, is your understanding of "success" the same as theirs? This one is particularly prudent for me, I have many people in my life who like to tell me how to succeed (in their estimation), but they don't understand their expectation is beyond me, or not aligned with what I want. Consequenlty they come across as judgemental, even though I know their intentions are well meaning.

So for all these reasons (and perhaps more), I think twice before giving advice. I don't doubt your intentions are well meaning, but I see a whole heap of reasons why it would go pear shaped for you.

When I do give advice:
- I acknowledge I probably do not know the whole situation.
- often I will first ask if they want it.
- I will depersonalise it from me and make it clear that it is just a suggestion, and it is their prerogative whether they take it or not.
- I proceed cautiously and stop if I think they are taking it badly.
- I open it up for further discussion if they want, and then I leave it alone until the approach me for more.

 

[Alex Bogue]

Just recently, I was in a situation where, though it looked like a noble gesture and seemed harmless, ended up picking the scabs and opening wounds.

 

[Etzelaire]

My use of labguage tenda to be too much technic for most people and I have to lower the level or talk about some things that seem, on my view, not worth the effort of articulating any sound. So it's kind of a difficult quedt for me to interact with the bulk of people.

 

[Lysander]

I get what you're saying here. I've found that because I have some difficulty with 'getting a feeling for' myself as others see me, I cannot immediately see what interpretations of my words/actions will seem most likely to the other person. Particular causes and potential, if obscenely difficult, solutions include the tendency to focus on the details of language so as to vouchsafe precision of communication (given that another unsurprising difficulty I have is in playing upon social cues to influence the perception of others) and having some trouble switching cognitive gears, thus missing observations that would distract me from my current train of thought.

Advice. This is a subject that, in general, can be aided steadily through practice of the skills I mentioned above, but if you're thinking something kind of like, "I've been practicing my social skills by socializing all my life. Socializing over and over is completely beside the point, thx anyway" I actually agree strongly.

So, something that I've experienced some success doing is experimentation of interpersonal antimalware devices - those being preventive measures and reaction strategies. It's not the fastest method - indeed it's generally not fast, but as with other things it depends on the approach. At any rate, figuring out what doesn't work is arguably as useful as discovering what does.

I wonder if stating the context or basic intention (like if I wrote, "I'm outlining what I have tried in order to respond to your concern") in what would feel to us as a needlessly basic point - even redundant in it's simplicity - would help guide the direction of the conversation. Not to dumb it down for the NT, but just to pace ourselves, because their analysis of the language of the communication is less, um. . . involved* by default. It is natural that we would regard a greater number of relevant comments as so basic as to be redundant, but we could make use of those simple statements to say what our social cues will not.

Anyways, that's my hypothesis - be fun to try it out.

 

[Lysander]

Goodness gracious, in hindsight, I wonder whether my initial response is even decipherable. I haven't slept for a couple of days, so it is likely enough that I am communicating in a more or less fascinating new dialect.

So, here's a summary:

I hear you. Difficulty seeing myself through others' eyes, inability to utilize social cues, and trouble switching cognitive gears from one focus to the next compounds the issue.

Building those skills takes too long to help us now. For me, testing out different tactics has been efficient.

I wonder if stating your intentions as you go about the act of teaching, illustrating, analysing, and supporting could take the place of missing social cues. That would be fun to find out.

Yay~