Gf of 5 years isn't "getting it"

[cygx]

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 5 and a half years now. Since we've been together, we haven't spent a single day apart. When we first met, I was literally a different person because I wasn't diagnosed yet. I didn't even know what I had, and I was this empty shell putting on a face. That's the person she got with.

Well 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome, and things didn't actually start clicking until last January. (I made other threads going more indepth about this). Anyway as the self realization has been kicking in, I've been throwing out that person who I know now wasn't me at all.

My girlfriend, who is bipolar, is having a hard time coping with the fact that I'm not who she got with, and that I'm not "normal". When she's on her up swing, she's understanding and gives me plenty of room to speak as myself without being taken the wrong way. When she's down though, she's very, very hurtful. I can't communicate to her, or even to this forum, how hurtful she is, because explaining my feelings has never been something I've been good at.

She did it before and it bothered me, but not nearly as much because I was behind that mask and I didn't know who I was. Now that that mask is off, I'm especially vulnerable and she's just not getting that. I try to tell her "you're hurting me" but she just plays the victim like I'm a cold bastard and I have no emotions, just because I can't express them. I tried telling her I can't express them. She doesn't believe it.

She says really nasty things to me when she's on one of her downs. I forget the examples but I remember the end result very clearly, and that's me feeling completely worthless inside and not being able to express it.

I don't want us to have this tension. We have a daughter who's showing signs of her dad's genes and one way or another she's going to have to learn how to understand us. I think she keeps going because she doesn't understand just how hurtful she's being when she exaggerates situations and calls me names when I by default get bothered by not the things themselves she's saying but the fact that they are simply not true or half-truths and I don't have the damn tools to defend myself or fight back with. My tool was the mask and now that's gone.

I tried explaining to her that other people would cry and be able to show her, and that's usually the red flag for normal people that maybe they're going too far. I don't show that flag. She never knows how far she's going because I can't communicate it to her.

 

[Sass]

Apologies if you've already tried this, but have you written her a letter? You seem to express yourself very well here, and I wonder if maybe you got it down on paper it would help. I know when I've fought with my husband sometimes I'll write him a letter explaining what I was feeling and how what he said/did made me feel. It helps to do this when the initial situation has cooled own as well, maybe it's easier to think clearly then. And give the letter to her when she's in a not so 'hurtful' mood so you can be a little more confident that she's going to take it in without losing it.

 

[cygx]

Funny you say that. I do that every time she does it to me. The last time, she told me she didn't want to read anything anymore because she was sick of it.

 

[Sass]

Funny you say that. I do that every time she does it to me. The last time, she told me she didn't want to read anything anymore because she was sick of it.

Ah sh*t, well I'm not much help am I? Sorry I couldn't add anything new. Hope things improve for you, it sounds like you're committed to making it work, and it's hard when the other member of a partnership doesn't seem to want to do the same.

 

[cygx]

Yeah, in her words "I shouldn't have to read a ****ing essay every time you're having a mental fit"

"You're the one causing the mental fit"

"********!!!"

 

[Tarragon]

Isn't bipolar something that's out of a persons control? And, when on the "downer", isn't that an intense depressive episode where it's very hard to think rationally?

I am not an expert, but I did some research about this condition when I was trying to work out what I was myself.

Seems to me that you might be better talking to her when she is neither on the upward or downward cycle. Otherwise it will be dismissed be her due to either being to manic to listen or too depressed to care?

 

[Sass]

Yeah, in her words "I shouldn't have to read a ****ing essay every time you're having a mental fit"

"You're the one causing the mental fit"

"********!!!"

I'm by no means an expert, but it sounds as though she's using your diagnosis against you, not taking her share of the problem and deflecting it on to you. I feel for you, it must be hard to cope with.

 

[cygx]

Then she says she's sick of dealing with me and that I need meds because I'm so screwed up. I only get screwed up when she says something that isn't true, and even then that's only after I correct her and then she acts as if my words hold no value and throws on the next slander. I have to fight all the lies she's throwing at me, and that gets overwhelming, and that leads to me shutting down. This leads her to calling me a lazy no good piece of ****. Yet another lie.

And then hours later she comes back up and acts as if she didn't do anything to me. I explain to her "Do you realize how much you hurt me?" and then she cherry picks her recollection of the past to conveniently block out everything that put her in the wrong. And of course with my difficulty to provide examples as I quickly forget them as they don't matter, only the end result does, I never successfully prove her otherwise.

So in the end, the official "argument" always ends with it looking like me making a big deal out of nothing, all because I can't explain to her my side of the story. And now she's not interested in even reading it anymore.

 

[cygx]

I'm by no means an expert, but it sounds as though she's using your diagnosis against you, not taking her share of the problem and deflecting it on to you. I feel for you, it must be hard to cope with.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the time you took to read. Thanks. I just needed to focus on getting my thoughts out while they are somewhat fluid. Otherwise I forget them.

 

[Tarragon]

Hmmm, don't suppose a discrete tape recorder would help?! Seems like you are having to walk on egg shells because of the way she is behaving. Is she taking medication for bipolar symptoms? Seems she is projecting a lot of anger onto you when it isn't really your fault. Is there an underlying issue?

 

[cygx]

Hmmm, don't suppose a discrete tape recorder would help?! Seems like you are having to walk on egg shells because of the way she is behaving. Is she taking medication for bipolar symptoms? Seems she is projecting a lot of anger onto you when it isn't really your fault. Is there an underlying issue?

Well it's always been something. She's always used some gripe between us and admittedly sometimes they were genuine concerns. But it's always something different, and no matter how many issues I fix so that she doesn't have ammo (By now I'm practically a saint), she always finds something new as a reason to lash out at me for hours.

This time it was when I was candid a few days ago during general conversation when I told her I didn't have emotions when our daughter was born. I was trying to be able to be myself and feel comfortable around her. She brought it up when she couldn't find anything else and she's been harping on it for hours. She turned it into "Your father doesn't love you, don't go near him" among other things. Fortunately, she's only 2 so she isn't taking that in.

She's not on any meds, but we're getting that looked into. She knows she has mood swings.

 

[cygx]

I want to thank you Tarragon and Sass for taking the time to read this nobody's problems. I'm not quite good at saying how much but it means a lot to me.

 

[Tarragon]

Ouch (about the lack of meds!) Ok, yes bipolar without medicines is a rollercoaster. I will play the devils advocate though and say that while I understand the lack of "feelings" over your daughters birth, I'm sure that you did feel things even if you didn't process them in the nt way. But, saying that to her could easily be interpreted in a negative way.

(feeling nothing is still feeling something! I have many examples in my own life where I felt nothing over things, but processed in a logical and unemotional way, which might just be me not really understanding what emotions were being stirred in me at the time)

If I'm wrong, I'm sorry, just trying to balance the reaction to what you said. Im sure you love your child. But, telling someone that you felt nothing might be misinterpreted as meaning that you "don't care"?

 

[Tarragon]

I want to thank you Tarragon and Sass for taking the time to read this nobody's problems. I'm not quite good at saying how much but it means a lot to me.

You're welcome cygx. I'm sorry I can't help too much, or if I say the wrong thing. Sometimes it's good to throw a problem out there and try and get an external opinion. It's always tricky though, because of limited knowledge of the situation.

 

[cygx]

Ouch. Ok, yes bipolar without medicines is a rollercoaster. I will play the devils advocate though and say that while I understand the lack of "feelings" over your daughters birth, I'm sure that you did feel things even if you didn't process them in the nt way. But, saying that to her could easily be interpreted in a negative way.

(feeling nothing is still feeling something! I have many examples in my own life where I felt nothing over things, but processed in a logical and unemotional way, which might just be me not really understanding what emotions were being stirred in me at the time)

If I'm wrong, I'm sorry, just trying to balance the reaction to what you said. Im sure you love your child. But, telling someone that you felt nothing might be misinterpreted as meaning that you "don't care"?

No, you're not wrong at all. I wasn't completely accurate when I said what I did to her, but it was the closest thing at the time to what I wanted to convey. It actually hit me the next morning when the photographer came in with new shots of her. We were both crying our eyes out in joy and my grandmother was there as well. Of course she remembers this but she chose to forget because it would mean she had nothing to lash out at me about.

My child is my driving force to persevere and be as optimal a head of the household as I can be. My girlfriend comes second.

 

[Tarragon]

What about the fact that though you might not be classed by her as "normal" you aren't a monster because you have an ASD. If she is bipolar then she too isn't "normal". Maybe it would be better to work together than fight between each other?

Ok, that's the simple logical stuff, but why isn't she seeing this? Maybe the bipolar is affecting her far more than she realises, and it's time to try and get a handle on this, for the sake of your child?

Sounds like you have a lot to deal with, far more than just the coming to terms with your own ASD diagnosis!

edit:- was she diagnosed as bipolar before you met? Is she frightened that you aren't the "rock" she might have wanted to help her deal with her own problems? Lots of variables..,

 

[cygx]

She's got therapy next monday. I'm looking at the situation, or at least trying to, the same way you are.

 

[Tarragon]

Easy for me to say all this, on the outside looking in. Infinitely more complicated when emotional (or aspie equivalents) entanglements are involved!!

I wish all of you luck and hope this can resolve well. It might be hard going, but maybe trying not to bite at the bait she throws you could keep the peace long enough to get things in a better place? I am being totally hypocritical here, because I am (in)famous for not being to hold my tongue when anyone provokes me!!!

Fingers crossed

 

[Spinning Compass]

Having seen, from the outside, what a relationship is like when one person is bipolar and does not consistently take their medicine and/or refuses to see that they are part of the problem, my advice is, RUN. Unfortunately, there is a child involved, as there is in the situation I am all too familiar with. It is heartbreaking to watch the grandparents' anguish at how the bipolar parent (who has custody) uses their grandchild to manipulate them and others. These two people have gone far beyond the call of duty in my opinion and all they get in return is to be s*** on.

I would sincerely suggest that you see a lawyer if you can afford one or can get a legal aid one to find out what your rights as a father are. Unfortunately, my friends are in a similar situation, their son is the father of the child and he is not married to the mother. As the biological mother, she holds all the cards, legally, and there is not much anyone else can do. The father has his own troubles both financially and legally and is in no position to get custody of the child. And so it goes on and on and on and on.

In addition to the above drama, police have been called several times to break up domestic disputes between the mother and father. So I am warning you now, be prepared for the possibility of physical abuse at your girlfriend's hands, if it hasn't happened already. I am enclosing a link to a blog by Zachary Lassiter, a local disability rights activist. . Being A Domestic Violence Victim with a Disability | Disability And Me

What he has to say is very sobering and frightening. If you wish to continue this relationship, make sure that you have control of your finances. If you are living together, make sure the lease is in your name, not hers. You need to protect your back. Because this particular illness makes people do irrational things, especially if they feel they are threatened in any way. There is no telling what lengths they will go to to "protect" themselves. Forget about talking rationally to them. They aren't going to listen. I've seen this over and over and over again with my friends and their grandchild's mother, how they have prayed, how they have wept, how they have supported the young couple in going to counseling, only to see thngs fall apart, over and over and over again. It does not end. If you are going to stay involved in your child's life, you need to steel yourself for a world of hurt and betrayal.

 

[cygx]

Having seen, from the outside, what a relationship is like when one person is bipolar and does not consistently take their medicine and/or refuses to see that they are part of the problem, my advice is, RUN. Unfortunately, there is a child involved, as there is in the situation I am all too familiar with. It is heartbreaking to watch the grandparents' anguish at how the bipolar parent (who has custody) uses their grandchild to manipulate them and others. These two people have gone far beyond the call of duty in my opinion and all they get in return is to be s*** on.

I would sincerely suggest that you see a lawyer if you can afford one or can get a legal aid one to find out what your rights as a father are. Unfortunately, my friends are in a similar situation, their son is the father of the child and he is not married to the mother. As the biological mother, she holds all the cards, legally, and there is not much anyone else can do. The father has his own troubles both financially and legally and is in no position to get custody of the child. And so it goes on and on and on and on.

In addition to the above drama, police have been called several times to break up domestic disputes between the mother and father. So I am warning you now, be prepared for the possibility of physical abuse at your girlfriend's hands, if it hasn't happened already. I am enclosing a link to a blog by Zachary Lassiter, a local disability rights activist. . Being A Domestic Violence Victim with a Disability | Disability And Me

What he has to say is very sobering and frightening. If you wish to continue this relationship, make sure that you have control of your finances. If you are living together, make sure the lease is in your name, not hers. You need to protect your back. Because this particular illness makes people do irrational things, especially if they feel they are threatened in any way. There is no telling what lengths they will go to to "protect" themselves. Forget about talking rationally to them. They aren't going to listen. I've seen this over and over and over again with my friends and their grandchild's mother, how they have prayed, how they have wept, how they have supported the young couple in going to counseling, only to see thngs fall apart, over and over and over again. It does not end. If you are going to stay involved in your child's life, you need to steel yourself for a world of hurt and betrayal.

Wow, this is a lot to take in. Don't think it fell on deaf ears (or blind eyes I guess), but it's not quite that drastic just yet. I don't think it ever will be, but you've given me some serious food for thought so I'm not ruling anything out.

I currently am the head of the household on the lease. I also have control of all the finances (I am her payee). She actually has epilepsy and a learning disability so I'm pretty much captain of the entire ship here.

I wanted to speak specifically on this:

Because this particular illness makes people do irrational things, especially if they feel they are threatened in any way. There is no telling what lengths they will go to to "protect" themselves. Forget about talking rationally to them. They aren't going to listen.

In the 5 1/2 years that we have been together, she has gone off the deep end and I have had to deal with doing damage control many, many times. The only thing that kept this relationship together is the fact that I am particularly good at standing my ground and controlling the situation.

I have one thing to ask you though, since you seem to be knowledgeable about situations like this. When she's back on her "up", I try to bring attention to just how ridiculous and nasty she just was for the last 5 hours or so. She never seems to actually get it. She acts like she doesn't remember, or she gets annoyed at me for bringing it up as if I'm not supposed to. I figure maybe if I explain to her how wrong and mean she was then maybe she'd feel enough remorse to not do it again, or maybe realize on her next "down" that she's down because of her own head and not because of any external force that she needs to fight. She never seems to feel remorse though, and that hurts me even more, because it's like she doesn't fully grasp how much she actually hurts me. How do I get her to understand?

I will read that link as soon as I post this message. I sincerely appreciate the time you took out of your day to explain to me this warning. I hope things will get better for your friend...that sounds like a really nasty way to be living. I'm not sure how I'd tolerate it if my own situation ever escalated to that level.