• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Gf of 5 years isn't "getting it"

I am not sure you can get her to understand. I don't know much about how the bipolar mind operates, but my hunch is anything that is brain-based is going to be extremely difficult to deal with. She may truly not remember, and she truly may not feel remorse, because in order to feel remorse you have to have a sense that you have done something wrong. Also, she doesn't have to take responsibility for her actions because you are still around and taking it. So there isn't much motivation for her to change. The sad thing is because you and her have a child together, she has a hold on you. I do hope very strongly that you are using condoms and not just leaving birth control up to her or you may have another child on your hands.

I have a former neighbor who comes around every now and then. She can be pretty nasty and rude and she is well aware that she is being nasty and rude. She's actually quite proud of it. That's who she is. Oh, yes, she's bipolar. Once, in an unguarded moment, she let it slip that she was and I said that I had suspected as much, which surprised her because she thinks she is pretty good at pulling the wool over people's eyes. She sits there and brags to the rest of us about how she has done this one and that one dirt, but they deserved it because . . . (and I won't repeat the rest of it, but you get the drift). One day I told her point blank that life was much too short to spend it hanging around unpleasant people and I got up and left. Her mouth actually dropped open in an O. I don't think anyone had done anything like that to her before. No, it didn't change her. It just gave her one less target.

That's not to say that bipolar isn't a legitimate medical condition, but my experience with these people is that they are bad news and that they often choose to behave the way they do. .I am sure that there are probably many bipolar people who successfully take their medications and can function around others with a minimum of drama. Unfortunately it is the ones who thrive on drama and chaos who give bipolar disorder a bad name. Is there a bipolar support group in your area? They might be better able to help you deal with your girlfriend.
 
Counseling is absolutely necessary for both parties, I think. I can't say much else than that I wish you both the best.
That's not to say that bipolar isn't a legitimate medical condition, but my experience with these people is that they are bad news and that they often choose to behave the way they do. .I am sure that there are probably many bipolar people who successfully take their medications and can function around others with a minimum of drama. Unfortunately it is the ones who thrive on drama and chaos who give bipolar disorder a bad name. Is there a bipolar support group in your area? They might be better able to help you deal with your girlfriend.
Click to expand...
"These people" . . . wow. I wonder how you would react if we with ASD were characterized that way. I'm not excusing the girlfriend's behavior at all, mind you, but there's emotional instability driving it. To write that off as "oh, they're just bad news" is pretty callous.
 
What you see as callousness, I see as simple self-preservation. As someone on the spectrum, I have enough issues and problems of my own to deal with that to take on someone else's instability would be disaster. I used to get into all kinds of trouble with people because I had not developed this sense of self-preservation and would "take on" people who were not good for me. Yes, I know this sounds selfish, but I've learned to say no to people and situations that have the potential to disrupt my life as in the sense of costing me my job or even my home, things I've worked very hard to achieve. Most employers, I think, will tell you that they do not want employees whose home lives are chaotic. So if you tell me you are bipolar, I am going to be very, very wary of you until I can determine how serious a threat your instability poses to me.

I have finally, at the age of nearly 60, pulled myself up to where I can count on a circle of good, stable friends that I can more or less depend on, which was definitely not the case when I was younger. My mother said after my graduation party that she was glad to see that I had made some good solid friends, people who really cared about me and were not out to use me. That is because I have learned to be much more choosy about who I let into my circle. Before, I would let just about anyone in, regardless of whether they were toxic or not.

The problem is we are so afraid to sound harsh and callous and judgmental, that we fail to exercise needed discretion and are reluctant to call a spade a spade. Yet, there are people out there who are bad news. There are people out there who are toxic. There are people that if you care about your own well-being and happiness you need to avoid like the plague. This is where we on the spectrum repeatedly get into trouble. You have to know your own limits and what you are capable of handling. Now, if a person is really trying to overcome their problems, I will give them some leeway. The examples I am talking about are people who aren't trying and aren't interested in trying--those people are bad news. If that makes me a callous person, so be it.
 
I understand the need for self-preservation in cases like this. But there's a huge difference between understanding someone else is going to be a problem in one's life and outright dismissing that person as a human being. You even admitted yourself you don't understand much about manic depression (bipolar disorder is an outdated term), so why talk about people who have it as if they're not suffering just as much as you have? It's just a different kind of suffering.
 
I'm not saying that they are not suffering. I am sure my former neighbor is a very unhappy person and I feel very sorry for her. But the bottom line is, she knows that she has a problem and yet refuses to get help. I don't deny she has worth as a person, but I do not wish to participate in her misery, to feed into it, or be any part of it--not as long as she continues to behave the way she does. Is it dismissing someone as a human being to say they are not a very pleasant person to be around?

By the way, I did some research, and it is manic-depressive that is the outdated term, not bipolar. Here is a link I found Understanding Bipolar Disorder :: Life Counseling Center that indicates that this condition can be treated successfully but it takes a lot of hard work.
 
Hi,

It sounds like you are having a really tough time. I know you mentioned that she went to therapy. Have you considered going to therapy together? It might give you a chance to voice your concerns and help you both understand how to deal with this situation.

Yes, eventually, your daughter will need to be told. I'm pretty sure she may suspect there is something different about her parents, but you may have to explain it in terms a three year old would understand. It sounds like you are all going to need some help and support with this situation. Do either of you have family you could talk to about this? Or do you have a good support system in place.?

I know someone already brought up talking with a lawyer. It may not be a bad thing to do. If nothing else, he can give you advice on your rights as a father. As you have a child, it would be good to have a will stating what you would like to happen etc.

I don't know what to tell you about the bipolar thing. Is your girlfriend's condition controlled with medication. If so, it may be time to talk to her about possibly tweaking it so it can be controlled better.

I'm sorry I don't have more to add. I hope things get better.

Sconesail
 
I would not call bi-polar "mood swings", that simply does not even cover the tip of that ice berg, while you can not help it if you have it, you can certainly find a medication to help so that you do not constantly go from happy go lucky to murderous fiend in the blink of an eye (hopefully at least). Someone else also mentioned aspergers and bi-polar do not really go very well together either, so not medicating her bi polar is likely a recipe for disaster between the 2 of you.

I wish you the best in sorting all of this out.
 
hey everybody who replied, thank you for all your advice.

as for a few month later update, my girlfriend is now on lexapro and i'm not sure if it's that or her counselling, but she has since made a dramatic change for the better. she hasn't flipped out at me in at least a month, and more importantly she's VERY understanding of my condition. it's like she's a completely different person. yeah we have our arguments but it's nothing out of the ordinary. perhaps it had to do partly with the realization that she's going to have to understand ASD eventually anyway because our daughter was a suspect.

actually as it turns out, she has it as well. she was diagnosed two weeks ago, soon after her third birthday. it's a tremendous relief that she has a diagnosis so early on, and she won't have to deal with the confusion that i had to for so many years.
 
That's sad but I couldn't stay with someone who didn't treat me right. Its not your fault she doesn't get it.
 
cygx said:
hey everybody who replied, thank you for all your advice.

as for a few month later update, my girlfriend is now on lexapro and i'm not sure if it's that or her counselling, but she has since made a dramatic change for the better. she hasn't flipped out at me in at least a month, and more importantly she's VERY understanding of my condition. it's like she's a completely different person. yeah we have our arguments but it's nothing out of the ordinary. perhaps it had to do partly with the realization that she's going to have to understand ASD eventually anyway because our daughter was a suspect.

actually as it turns out, she has it as well. she was diagnosed two weeks ago, soon after her third birthday. it's a tremendous relief that she has a diagnosis so early on, and she won't have to deal with the confusion that i had to for so many years.
Click to expand...
I really like your signature, where did you get the chart?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

New Threads

Top Bottom