Social skills can be learned over time. I myself now have a lot of friends and I like socialising.
Basically, just think like an NT and you can function along like them. The earlier you start learning, the better. People are more forgiving of mistakes at younger ages.
Let me clarify, I think I probably used a wrong choice of words in saying "think like a Neurotypical". What I meant when I said "think like a Neurotypical" referred to this: learn & follow social etiquette / rules, & basically behave in a way that people will not get pissed off at you. It does not mean try to pretend to be what you?re not.
I apologise on this one.
I wish it was that easy. I've learned how to communicate and doing exactly what I was "supposed" to I was pretty successful at it but in the end I had to admit - something was missing. I felt like a robot programmed to say those things I didn't feel it. But going back to DIR therapy book that I'm reading right now it seems that it's actually possible for people on the spectrum to communicate with significant emotional investment and have clearer understanding of social nuances. It's about finding a connection to the outside world, or more about realizing that you've got that link, it might be different, more fragile...or maybe less flexible but you've got it.
One thing that I learned, I can't fake being NT not matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I believe that it's true.
As about friends... I think you have to have to have a true need, or desire to be a part of friendship to have one. Plus it's much easier to make friends when you're feeling good about yourself.
Very true. I tried pretending to be a NT totally, but if you do that to the point of losing your identity then you?re probably overdoing it.
Obviously, some compromises have to be made ? especially those about social etiquette. Some are pretty obvious ? droning on for hours about your pet interest will put most people off. But not everything has to be compromised. I don?t compromise my worldview or my interests, I just have to realise the people aren?t interested about it all the time and so I shouldn?t talk about it so much, for example. Another important one would be to argue in a more tactful manner - and not just bluntly attack people's actions or viewpoints.
But how to implement this comes with experience. I?m still learning myself, but thankfully in the initial stages my parents did explain the thought processes involved so I just adapted it to whatever else.
Of course, it isn?t easy. Even NTs also have socializing problems ? just witness all the gaffes in the media everyday ? but the degree is less than what most AS people suffer.
The first step is to start trying ? the earlier the better ? and learn with experience.
Friends are actually pretty necessary. If you don?t have them when you need them, then that?s when it?s too late?. But other than that the ?feeling good? about yourself is true. Treat yourself like crap and eventually you?ll end up treating others like crap, which unfortunately I learned the hard way.
I?d recommend Dale Carnegie?s book ?How to Win Friends & Influence People?. The stuff is simple to understand, readable and actually works, even though I don?t live in a Western culture which this was written for.
When is "early" for learning? I'm 28, I have never been told that I was wrong in my functioning. I had to find out the "hard way". So even if I learn it right now... what is the correct example? I've had enough of social contacts, they fall way out of line with what "correct social etiquette" is. I tried to mimic what I thought was normal... it came across as weird to other people because they clearly saw I wasn't "me" but rather someone that tried to fit in. I also ended up depressed because it was in no way natural for me to "act".
And also, to what I said earlier... I don't think it only has to do with the "inability" (at least for me). I has to do with the ability to be able to think further than just words, and think about intention and context.
There is a pretty good place to learn. Dale Carnegie's "How To Win Friends And Influence People" is a pretty good, and there's probably other books too.
Other than that, people are unique. Everyone has their own character traits, quirks, interests and preferences. And so long as it doesn?t affect others negatively (e.g. stuff like digging nose in public), people are generally fine with it. Probably the best thing one can start off with is to just be open minded and accept people, then they will reciprocate.
Anyway, people love to talk about themselves, whether they are NT, AS or whatever. So the easiest strategy for me is to just let them talk about themselves. After a while of letting them talk about themselves, they regard you as a friend. Strange, but yeah. Human nature.
