Friends just don't seem to understand.

[Spam]

So I recently told one of close friends that I have Aspergers.
And what response was I presented with?
"You're too normal to have austim"
My question to you guys is, do you ever receive this type of response?
She also told me that I'm not awkward enough.
The thing is, I tried to explain to her that's not all there is to it, and that I've spent my entire childhood attempting to perfect my social adequacy. And that the reason I seem angered or irritated is because it's how I've learned to "cope".
Oh she's just grumpy (seemingly good method for me because it keeps people away and correlates well when I do become frustrated), instead of oh she's just weird.
She's also a long time friend and so I am able to act semi normal around her. Eye contact, etc. I'm just comfortable with her where most people I'm not. She obviously can't see the struggle that goes on in my head when people try to "chit chat" with me. She doesn't understand anything about me being extremely hypersensitive. She doesn't know much about me when I was a younger child. All she has ever seen is the Sarah that has always put up a heavy front mimicking attitudes alike around me.
How do I get her to understand?
I mean I can't force her, it's just frustrating that she can't see or accept this part of me.
:/

 

[Vanilla]

I'm familiar with this response. My family don't believe me either, but luckily one good friend does. You'll find that it's a common problem for women on the spectrum, and it's because women present different traits to men. The issue is that only the more extreme, male-typical, traits are known to the general public (and in some cases, some specialists are only trained to diagnose men on the spectrum).

 

[Spam]

I'm familiar with this response. My family don't believe me either, but luckily one good friend does. You'll find that it's a common problem for women on the spectrum, and it's because women present different traits to men. The issue is that only the more extreme, male-typical, traits are known to the general public (and in some cases, some specialists are only trained to diagnose men on the spectrum).

That makes me feel a little better. My parents believe for the simple fact that they raised me. I couldn't order my own food up into my teen years (luckily social anxiety has lessened for me). I've just gotten so good at acting a certain way, simply because I have a ridiculous fear of rejection and expierenced it a lot as a kid.

 

[Vanilla]

I once read that it's common for women on the spectrum to go through these life stages. It does also occur for some men too, though the book was tailored towards women on the spectrum.

1) At a very young age, they realise they are different, and so try to blend in, and appear "normal".

2) Blending in so well, they become "chameleons". They appear like everyone else.

3) Realise they have AS and/ or realising they don't have to act "normal" anymore (averaged at around the age of 28). This is when they decide they now need to be themselves, for once in their lives. This usually means the start of their self-discovery.

4) They become more open, honest, and true to themselves, and other people start to notice a drastic change in personality. When they advise people of their AS, it's common that people don't believe them; despite whether you are known as an honest person, or have often been called "odd" in the past - you simply aren't odd enough for them. Ironically, the very thing you have strived for all these years (blending in) has become your bane.

While this process can be rather frustrating, there is a bright side to it all. They say that once you have realised you can now be true to yourself, your life can improve drastically. It's as though you are reborn, and have finally been given a voice. You no longer care as much about the judgement of others, and perceiving you as "odd", and so shed much of your anxieties. Many find this experience to be truly liberating.

Of course this is all generalised, but this seems to be the norm for many on the spectrum.

 

[Spam]

I once read that it's common for women on the spectrum to go through these life stages. It does also occur for some men too, though the book was tailored towards women on the spectrum.

1) At a very young age, they realise they are different, and so try to blend in, and appear "normal".

2) Blending in so well, they become "chameleons". They appear like everyone else.

3) Realise they have AS and/ or realising they don't have to act "normal" anymore (averaged at around the age of 28). This is when they decide they now need to be themselves, for once in their lives. This usually means the start of their self-discovery.

4) They become more open, honest, and true to themselves, and other people start to notice a drastic change in personality. When they advise people of their AS, it's common that people don't believe them; despite whether you are known as an honest person, or have often been called "odd" in the past - you simply aren't odd enough for them. Ironically, the very thing you have strived for all these years (blending in) has become your bane.

While this process can be rather frustrating, there is a bright side to it all. They say that once you have realised you can now be true to yourself, your life can improve drastically. It's as though you are reborn, and have finally been given a voice. You no longer care as much about the judgement of others, and perceiving you as "odd", and so shed much of your anxieties.

Of course this is all generalised, but this seems to be the norm for many on the spectrum.

When I started therapy, very recently, I went in with this thought of possible bipolar. Because I was abruptly being negative. I become very stressed in social situations and I just get.. tired and angry. Also my hypersensitivity can cause me to lash out too. Basically the moment I become really uncomfortable, which is like all the time lol. But anytime I was in a "good" mood it was like a euphoria... fake. It was all confusing to me until she told me it was aspergers. And after research, it made a lot of sense. I've already begun to come out of my shell. It's a process, removing this mask, if you will. I'm still struggling to understand me, much less have some else understand me too.

 

[Vanilla]

When I started therapy, very recently, I went in with this thought of possible bipolar. Because I was abruptly being negative. I become very stressed in social situations and I just get.. tired and angry. Also my hypersensitivity can cause me to lash out too. Basically the moment I become really uncomfortable, which is like all the time lol. But anytime I was in a "good" mood it was like a euphoria... fake. It was all confusing to me until she told me it was aspergers. And after research, it made a lot of sense. I've already begun to come out of my shell. It's a process, removing this mask, if you will. I'm still struggling to understand me, much less have some else understand me too.

It sounds like you're well in your way then. Be patient, and hang in there. Just focus on who you are, and what you want from life. The process takes time, but it can be well worth it

 

[Rocco]

I am a man, but I can still relate to the issues mentioned previously. My diagnosis came at 33, I did the "chameleon" thing for many years.
"You are not autistic," is quite annoying to hear. Most of my family is not accepting of my diagnosis either. They discount my symptoms, ignore the truth of the matter, and explain away my difficulties as "normal" problems. It is frustrating.

People in my life right now do not respect the boundaries I have in place to live a healthy life with minimal meltdowns. I find myself forced into situations I loathe, which in turn trigger anxiety attacks and meltdowns. People act all shocked, surprised, and angry when I lose my composure and start to slip into "bad time".

My method of dealing with such views may not be the healthiest, as I tend to shut these people out or cut them off or out of things.

I tell myself that they just don't or can't understand what this gift is like to have.

The people I have not shut out gradually come to terms and accept me and my uniqueness along with my diagnosis. I must confess I don't have friends, per say, more rather acquaintances.

Best wishes

 

[Spam]

I am a man, but I can still relate to the issues mentioned previously. My diagnosis came at 33, I did the "chameleon" thing for many years.
"You are not autistic," is quite annoying to hear. Most of my family is not accepting of my diagnosis either. They discount my symptoms, ignore the truth of the matter, and explain away my difficulties as "normal" problems. It is frustrating.

People in my life right now do not respect the boundaries I have in place to live a healthy life with minimal meltdowns. I find myself forced into situations I loathe, which in turn trigger anxiety attacks and meltdowns. People act all shocked, surprised, and angry when I lose my composure and start to slip into "bad time".

My method of dealing with such views may not be the healthiest, as I tend to shut these people out or cut them off or out of things.

I tell myself that they just don't or can't understand what this gift is like to have.

The people I have not shut out gradually come to terms and accept me and my uniqueness along with my diagnosis. I must confess I don't have friends, per say, more rather acquaintances.

Best wishes

To me, even though aspergers itself never came to mind, it was a diagnosis that was coming. As a child I could not self soothe. I transfered schools when I started "mimicking". So even though my behavior problems were relevant, it was rare. I had meltdowns and anxiety attacks here and there but I did everything in my power to bounce back and refrain from being called a cry baby. I'm just happy my parents see it and understand, I'm almost grateful that I didn't figure out the "chameleon" technique til later on. It's just the people I've met within my high school years, they don't get it. Not sure they ever will. I guess that's okay. I mean- getting myself worked up over it probably is useless.

 

[The Penguin]

I had a related experience with my grandmother. There some people don't get it but my mother belives me. Sometimes you can't get people to understand. I know it must be rough case since she your friend.

I told a friend I have a language based learning disability but he didn't belive me. He say I speak fine and I can read and stuff. He a very clueless friend as he should have remember during my childhood I had speech issues. Anyhow me telling him didn't effect the friendship. I just learned some people you can't tell things.

 

[Lukas]

Personally I call myself a rainbow warrior.. Just one of a multitude of wavelengths making up this vast spectrum of autism.. Everyone is unique and equally special... together we create a very awesome, but usually very misunderstood, facet of humanity.

 

[nowwhat]

"But you have empathy"
"But you socialize"
"But you have a sense of humor"
"But you surf"

Heard them all. People in general like to make sense of things around them. Thinking simplistically and pigeonholing are related strategies for pretending that the world around us really can make sense to us. She may not want to get it, or she may in time. I have a friend who doesn't get it, but still continues to pursue friendship with me.

 

[supernova]

It's good to know that other people have exactly the same experience that I did when I told friends and relatives that I'd had a positive diagnosis for Asperger's.

I found their refusal to believe it both disappointing and extremely irritating

 

[Daniel]

They discount my symptoms, ignore the truth of the matter, and explain away my difficulties as "normal" problems. It is frustrating.

I hate responses like "well, everybody goes through that." Or "well, I have problems like that, too." They typically get delivered in a well-meaning way, as in, "you should feel better because you're not alone, and therefore your problems aren't as bad as you think they are."

It does NOT make me feel better to hear that from someone who is clearly not on the spectrum, because I can tell that they don't get it. I don't discount that they have their struggles, too, but I come away feeling like they've discounted my particular struggles.

It DOES make me feel better to get responses from people on here who relate their similar experiences, because I can tell that they get it. Here I don't feel discounted.

I don't bother telling people I'm on the spectrum, unless it really becomes necessary for them to understand me. In a few cases, it has helped another person to not take my non-verbal communication towards them personally, because I tend to come across like I don't like people. But I've had other cases where they just really don't get it, and I wished I hadn't said anything.

 

[Kari Suttle]

So I recently told one of close friends that I have Aspergers.
And what response was I presented with?
"You're too normal to have austim"
My question to you guys is, do you ever receive this type of response?
:/

Yes i got this reaction when i told my best friend. I've known her since i was eight years old - i'm twenty three now - and i expected her to at least consider the idea. I'm just self diagnosed, but even my parents agree that its highly likely. And they're the ones that think depression is just feeling sorry for yourself, being selfish, and that things like ADD/ADHD are just kids misbehaving cause their parents were too lenient. They're really old school, to sum it up, yet they think i probably have something as new and not thoroughly researched as high functioning autism/aspergers syndrome. Yet my bestie didn't even consider the idea, and that really hurt me. I don't know what there is any convincing your friends. I mean not that i've so much as tried to convince my bestie, but i think that for non autistic people its not something you can easily understand. Even i balked at the idea they thought i could be autistic or have AS - people aren't aware that conditions like AS and HFA exist, really. When they hear 'autism' they probably picture the lower functioning, nonverbal autistic kids. I know that i'd much prefer it if my best friend accepted that i probably have AS/HFA, or at least would be willing to explore the idea with me, but she isn't and that's fine to an extent. It does hurt having what feels like a huge part of me rejected though. I'm used to that, though.

 

[Spam]

&

I hate responses like "well, everybody goes through that." Or "well, I have problems like that, too." They typically get delivered in a well-meaning way, as in, "you should feel better because you're not alone, and therefore your problems aren't as bad as you think they are."

It does NOT make me feel better to hear that from someone who is clearly not on the spectrum, because I can tell that they don't get it. I don't discount that they have their struggles, too, but I come away feeling like they've discounted my particular struggles.

It DOES make me feel better to get responses from people on here who relate their similar experiences, because I can tell that they get it. Here I don't feel discounted.

I don't bother telling people I'm on the spectrum, unless it really becomes necessary for them to understand me. In a few cases, it has helped another person to not take my non-verbal communication towards them personally, because I tend to come across like I don't like people. But I've had other cases where they just really don't get it, and I wished I hadn't said anything.

This reminds me of a different close friend of mine, she has depression, paranoia, anxiety and is a hypochondriac. I've attempted to speak with her about my aspergers and I attempt to give her examples at how it may "show" through.
Her responses are "oh! I'm like that too!" To everyhing.
Yet,her responses to situations may be similar it's for very different reasons, it's like she unintentionally tries to dismiss any problems I may have. I'm not depressed or paranoid but I do struggle and it's a concept foreign to her, she even once said "sarah, why do these things only happen to me." It not only left me dumb founded, but upset. It's like us people with aspergers fight this internal battle to seem normal and people can't support us when we finally reach the tip or breaking point or finally realize what is actually wrong with us. I also told her she's not the only one, and goes "really?". I just don't understand people's though processes. But yeah I've resorted to just keeping my thoughts to myself and when I'm feeling down or upset I go to people like my parents. Because at least they try to understand me.

 

[Spam]

Sorry for my crappy spelling and for missing words. I'm on a tablet and I'm too lazy to proof read

 

[Spam]

It's good to know that other people have exactly the same experience that I did when I told friends and relatives that I'd had a positive diagnosis for Asperger's.

I found their refusal to believe it both disappointing and extremely irritating

It's like everything finally makes sense and they go... no no that can't be it. Are you in my head? Are you my psychologist? No. Do your research.

 

[paloftoon]

Some people just won't understand unless they experience something on their own or are deep thinkers. Generally speaking, many people don't want to look at complex situations no matter how right and no matter how obvious you make it. I think it's sadly human nature to ignore information sometimes or be overwhelmed with it because there's a lot out there. What's really important is being yourself enough, but being able to survive. You may need to find a different group of friends who does understand, but I wouldn't reject your current group of friends as long as they still like you and both of you are willing to work with each other. These friends who don't understand sound more like casual, hang-out friends that you can't depend on emotionally or if you get into a pitch. Good luck on your journey.

 

[grapesicles]

All the time! I feel like asking them "So you're a psychologist now? When did you become qualified?"

Or the say "My friend/cousin/great aunt/whoever has autism and you're not like them so you obviously don't".

And then having to explain! Very frustrating indeed.

 

[Spam]

All the time! I feel like asking them "So you're a psychologist now? When did you become qualified?"

Or the say "My friend/cousin/great aunt/whoever has autism and you're not like them so you obviously don't".

And then having to explain! Very frustrating indeed.

Explaining things to people is also one of my weaknesses and so I end up rambling or totally mashing my thoughts together. It's like an obvious sign right there but you just sound unconvincing. And it sucks to even HAVE to convince in the first place.