Forgiveness

[Rachel]

I have always had trouble forgiving and I hold grudges for years - even decades. I am 47 and recently diagnosed with Asperger's. My husband and I had a rough year financially and I lost my job and his truck is falling apart. Through this all my mother spent her time ranting at me about how irresponsible I am with money, how I have driven a wedge between her and my father (he wanted to help us, she didn't), and just basically treating me like I was a horrible human being. Now that I have this diagnosis, I want to tell her that her attitude about me was rotten and cruel and I had a reason for all of these things going on. Yes, I was having trouble at work, but now it makes sense. I've lost 3 jobs since my son was born, because I couldn't catch on or keep up or concentrate. I am so angry with my mother for the way she has been treating me lately. I know forgiveness is for me, not her, because holding a grudge only hurts myself. But I still want to confront my mom. Any advice?

 

[Ereth]

You could write down your thoughts in a letter first. That tends to help me.

 

[Aspieistj]

I would definitely write everything in a letter. Read and reread it and try to remove as much tension as you can from what you tell her. You just learned you have a problem. Not only your mother, but probably everyone else who knows you has misjudged you. Provide information about AS. Tell her you know she and others had no way to know you are neurologically different from the majority of people. State that you never had a clue why you are so often at odds with the majority. Tell her how much pain all the accusations from her and other people have caused you pain. Tell her that while many Aspies try to hide their differences, it isn't always possible--at times you realize AFTER you have done something irritating and then it is too late to take it back. Remind her that this is a real neurological condition and you will always have to live with it. Ask her for help. Remind her that her criticism over the years has been painful but you forgive her for that because until she reads you letter, she will have never known about your condition. Also tell/ask her (not sure which would be a better choice for the two of you) that you hope she loves you and will try to understand you. Provide some good URLs if she uses the computer, or print some articles and give them to her to read and digest. Ask her to take some time to consider all the information and get used to the idea that you have, and have always had a real syndrome over which you have little control. Make it clear there is no magic pill that will "cure" you, that you will try to remember not to do things that irritate her, but that it won't always be possible. Tell her that now she knows about your neurological differences you will consider any thoughtless criticisms from her to be rude and hurtful.
VERY IMPORTANT! I am soon to be 70 and my parents died years before I learned, in my early 60s, that I am an Aspie. They never knew, and actually I am now certain, my father was also an Aspie. I am unable to forgive my mother for not realizing I had a problem. She was a teacher and she must have had some Aspie students who acted like me. For almost 10 years I have had this imaginary conversation with my mother. She was intelligent and if I could confront her with the facts I hope she would realize it wasn't my fault. I would definitely give her a chance to change her view and acceptance of me but if she refused, I could then walk away. I hope you find a way to educate your mother so you can begin a new and healthy relationship. My mother made my life a living hell.

 

[Ereth]

In fairness to your mother, J, autism really wasn't understood back then as it is today---I'm not excusing her poor behavior, and she certainly should've treated you better, but I doubt she could've known what she was seeing in her son. Unfortunately, her attitude towards you as a child reflects the general view of mental health issues and differences of the day.

It's also possible your mother was dealing with some problems of her own that she subsequently took out on you, but that's for you to think about since she was your parent and is not mine.

 

[Rachel]

I would definitely write everything in a letter. Read and reread it and try to remove as much tension as you can from what you tell her. You just learned you have a problem. Not only your mother, but probably everyone else who knows you has misjudged you. Provide information about AS. Tell her you know she and others had no way to know you are neurologically different from the majority of people. State that you never had a clue why you are so often at odds with the majority. Tell her how much pain all the accusations from her and other people have caused you pain. Tell her that while many Aspies try to hide their differences, it isn't always possible--at times you realize AFTER you have done something irritating and then it is too late to take it back. Remind her that this is a real neurological condition and you will always have to live with it. Ask her for help. Remind her that her criticism over the years has been painful but you forgive her for that because until she reads you letter, she will have never known about your condition. Also tell/ask her (not sure which would be a better choice for the two of you) that you hope she loves you and will try to understand you. Provide some good URLs if she uses the computer, or print some articles and give them to her to read and digest. Ask her to take some time to consider all the information and get used to the idea that you have, and have always had a real syndrome over which you have little control. Make it clear there is no magic pill that will "cure" you, that you will try to remember not to do things that irritate her, but that it won't always be possible. Tell her that now she knows about your neurological differences you will consider any thoughtless criticisms from her to be rude and hurtful.
VERY IMPORTANT! I am soon to be 70 and my parents died years before I learned, in my early 60s, that I am an Aspie. They never knew, and actually I am now certain, my father was also an Aspie. I am unable to forgive my mother for not realizing I had a problem. She was a teacher and she must have had some Aspie students who acted like me. For almost 10 years I have had this imaginary conversation with my mother. She was intelligent and if I could confront her with the facts I hope she would realize it wasn't my fault. I would definitely give her a chance to change her view and acceptance of me but if she refused, I could then walk away. I hope you find a way to educate your mother so you can begin a new and healthy relationship. My mother made my life a living hell.

 

[Rachel]

Thank you all for the advise. My mother understands quite a bit about Asperger's because my son was DX with it when he was 4 (he is now 12). So she knows what it is and some of how it makes people behave. But girls seem to present their Asperger's much differently than boys, from my experience. Of course she didn't know when she was being so hateful toward me that I had the same thing her beloved grandson has. She worships him. She even tells me flat out that when she and my dad come out to visit, it's to visit my son, not my husband and me. Because I'm a rotten daughter and always have been (not spoken but nonetheless implied). I was the one kid out of their 4 that gave them trouble. I was into drugs in HS and my mom did what I consider one of the most unforgivable things by reading my diary and finding out I smoked pot and acting as if I were a heroin junkie. She also listened in to my phone calls and accused me of being sexually active before I even was. Which caused me to BECOME sexually active because my thought process went, if she already thinks I'm doing it, why not enjoy myself? Anyhow, she ruined my ability to trust for my entire teenaged and adult life by the things she did. I'm guessing she and my father know by now about my DX because I posted it on Facebook and my dad reads my posts. But they haven't called or anything. I'm not going to call them. I guess after thinking about it I'm not really angry with her. I don't know what to call how I feel toward her at this moment. It will be interesting to see what happens when they finally do decide to call.

 

[Turk]

Im going to play the devil's advocate here and say be carefull. It really depends on why you want to tell her. To punish her, to have her accept you or self esteem purposes. I usually believe that full disclosure is the best policy. But it has also been my experience, that those family members, that have held a grudge against me, were unchanged by my diagnosis. In fact the label confirmed every assumption they had about me. Im not saying dont tell her, all im saying is weigh up whether this person will use this knowledge for constructive purposes

 

[Jordan]

In all cases, when you try and be confronted by telling your family you have Aspergers, it can often lead to more confusion and day to day questions as to "Why do you behave like you do?" and "It's just an excuse". When I told my family, they only thought it was an excuse.

My farther has become to accept it more, and can understand the struggles that I have. He used to care for people with autism back when I was younger. However, on my mother's side they can be quite objective to the idea. And as its a hidden disability, you cannot define the Aspergers itself. And more often than not, telling someone can only cause anxiety and stress. Not just on yourself, but your family too.

I just wanted them to understand me more, not hold a grudge and hold it against me. But this time, it wasn't the case. Even if I mention my social communication skills, they hold it against me and judge everything I say. However, in my mind, I felt that the tone-of-voice was off-putting. However, I cannot distinguish between facial expressions, tone-of-voice, and subtle social cues. Often people think because you have AS, you HAVE to become the social norm - Just because you have a label and a diagnosis, this never changes you as a person. It's just an explanation of the way my thought processes go and some of the problems I face in day to day tasks.

So Rachel, as for you I'd probably say to leave it for a while. Unless you want to request they see a councilor that knows about autism. Let them know about your autism and request that they see a specialist. - A medical psychiatrist has a better understanding of autism, than you or your family together. So a letter may seem like you don't want to confront her in person. However, if the letter is informal and has references from your psychiatrist, then it can be rectified. - Also this can be a lengthy process, so never rush into it too much.

However, over the year, since my diagnosis, I have become to understand how autism affects me. It's just receiving support for the social problems that I face. Yes, my family doesn't want to accept the fact that I have AS. Apart from my farther, and elite others that know about autism. It's often really hard to understand the problems you face yourself and to then try to explain that in a context that isn't degrading to your family. - Also if you do write this letter, try to explain the positive impact it has had. A diagnosis can often be a celebration, although in some cases, it might not seem that way.

Hope I helped, and hope your mother doesn't hold it against you. - Just try to be nice about it. - Never throw any negatively, because it will just throw more of a negative atmosphere in your family. Try to stay positive about it. - I know that aspies have rigid thinking, and may over-think certain situations, but more often than not we can be affectionate to others.

 

[Rachel]

Thanks, both Turk and Jordan.
Turk - you bring up a good point. Part of me wants to punish her; part of me wants her acceptance and understanding.
And Jordan, you bring up a good point too and I'm sorry your family has not been more supportive of you, even after your DX.
My parents though have a very good understanding of Asperger's because of my son. What they don't understand (and neither did my husband, for a long time) was the unconventional way I insisted on raising my son, because I instinctively knew that his needs were different than other children's and my mom and husband were especially critical that I refused to listen to advice about how to "make" my son sleep through the night, how to "force" him to behave in situations that stressed him, etc. I fought my entire family - from in-laws to parents to husband - over how to care for our baby and it created a huge rift between everyone else and me. Not that my mom thought I was an amazing person before my son was born, but it just got worse when I would give in to things my son wanted (and knew instinctively that he needed) by calling him "the Little Prince" and reminding me that she had raised 4 children and had never spoiled any of them the way I did my son. Now with my DX I know why I understood what my son needed even when it didn't fit in with any traditional standards or modern theories.
And yes, sadly, I still want my mother's approval. I'm almost 48 years old, for goodness' sake, but I still want Mommy to tell me I'm a good girl and I did everything right and for a good reason. And I know that will never happen.
Like I said, they probably already know my DX since my father reads my FB posts and I posted my DX there. He would tell my mother. So they already know. It would be nice to get an "I'm sorry your life was so rough and we didn't do anything to help - we only made you feel worse", but I doubt that will happen. I've felt misunderstood by my parents my whole life. I don't have any unrealistic expectations that that will change. Still, the little girl I was still desperately wants that to happen.

 

[GallacticGorilla]

Its interesting to see that everyone is holding on to some kind of hurt. Myself included!!!

I dont know why i cant let go of some things. I feel like it is my weird way of dispensing justice for the things that aren't fair in life. Kind of taking karma into my own hands by being bitter and never forgetting or letting go.

Even though in reality it actually does nothing but hurts myself, it hurts my health, it stresses me, it bogs down my psychological bandwidth and it prevents me from being happy.

What is the old saying " Holding on to anger is like drinking poison, and expecting the other person to get sick".

The truth is, life isn't fair. "fair" is what you pay to get on a bus. Sometimes people will only see things through there perspective and there is nothing you can do about it... sometimes. Sadly ):

 

[Sev]

Forgive, but never forget, Is the mindset I tend to operate on. I find that when I so easily forgive others it will only allow them to overstep their grounds again. I do my best to let go of grudges and forgive others (just as I would like to be forgiven) I think that it would be definitely unwise to completely forget another's actions. However, perhaps it would also be wiser to consider the events from her perspective; I've been told that it can be extremely difficult for an NT to deal with someone who has Autism (not saying that you have no right to angry or annoyed, I'm simply forwarding a thought that has been presented to me on many occasions when I have tried to confront others).

 

[Andy R]

Forgiveness is something I have a real problem with. However since my recent AS diagnosis I have been able to let some stuff go. Even though I am 51 I was still very resentful towards the teachers at my school for failing to educate me. However now I know that they didn't have the knowledge to spot Asperger's in me and give me the appropriate support.

I have great difficulty tolerating my Mother for anything longer than a very short visit. She fusses, obsessively cleans and tidies, and never stops talking banal small talk. Again though, the diagnosis has really helped and I have managed to explain to her how the way she is affects me, in that it completely overloads my senses and stops my ability to think. she has been really understanding and supportive since this conversation. I have also made it clear to them that they are not to blame for not spotting this in me.

I do hope this story can help you with you Mother. x

 

[MoCoffee]

I am one of the people who wrote to my Mother after learning my diagnosis, and our relationship is better than it's ever been. I told her that I understand now that my issues were not her fault, but the result of my Asperger's. This may seem strange to you, but I finally saw that my behaviours triggered my social problems and I've realized this is also what lead to the bullying I've lived with for most of my life. I'm 56 now and it's taken a long time to reach this point, but forgiveness is so freeing. I suggest you don't write to her until you can forgive her. Try to look at her behaviour objectively. Was she just being mean or was she saying the things that hurt you out of a genuine concern? When I finally took a good look at my Mother's life, I realized she had been through a lot and that also affected how she treated me. Good luck with whatever choice you make.

 

[Turk]

Forgiveness is something I have a real problem with. However since my recent AS diagnosis I have been able to let some stuff go. Even though I am 51 I was still very resentful towards the teachers at my school for failing to educate me. However now I know that they didn't have the knowledge to spot Asperger's in me and give me the appropriate support.

I have great difficulty tolerating my Mother for anything longer than a very short visit. She fusses, obsessively cleans and tidies, and never stops talking banal small talk. Again though, the diagnosis has really helped and I have managed to explain to her how the way she is affects me, in that it completely overloads my senses and stops my ability to think. she has been really understanding and supportive since this conversation. I have also made it clear to them that they are not to blame for not spotting this in me.

I do hope this story can help you with you Mother. x

Wow that Mother story Andy, really struck a chord. My mother is in full blown denial of my condition are her continual fussing and skirting around the edge of conversation drives me nuts. She refuses to accept there is anything wrong with me, yet her behavior around me tells me she does. When she's here I pace the room, i wont sit and am always trying to busy myself, to lesson her impact. She always trying to please, to point of having no view or opinion on anything and what is left, as you put it, is small talk