Finding it hard to meet people around my own age

[Fitzy]

Hello my name is Shawn and I'm new to these forums. I have Asperger's Syndrome and am finding it hard to meet people around my own age which is 30. I have tried different sports like tennis and social badminton but no luck there. I also remember trying a chess group once before. I was wondering if anyone else around my own age on here may have had a hard time trying to make friends as well?

 

[King_Oni]

Simply put... yes, I'm the same. I'm 30 years old as well and have this problem.

The more complex version is; I don't really know if want to make friends. The social obligations that are involved with friendship in most cases are off-putting for me. And I do have some experience with having friends at different points in life.

I found that befriending people that do not share some kind of overlap with my personal interests clearly does not help to sustain friendships either.

 

[Kelly]

Problems socialising do go hand in hand with being on the spectrum, some are not as affected as others but I think we all have our own varying problems with friends/socialising.

I suck at making friends, I can't make them in real life or online, I'm just not the friend type I think. You've already tried what a lot of people would suggest i.e joining clubs, do you have any other interests? Also if you can stand it volunteering can sometimes open up paths to friendship (or so I've noticed) or at the very least get you some socialising.

Depending on where you live there may be an aspie specific socialising group, I know here in there UK there are a number of them (and of course they are too far/too late for me to go to :bounce but not sure how common they are in other countries.

 

[Fitzy]

Problems socialising do go hand in hand with being on the spectrum, some are not as affected as others but I think we all have our own varying problems with friends/socialising.

I suck at making friends, I can't make them in real life or online, I'm just not the friend type I think. You've already tried what a lot of people would suggest i.e joining clubs, do you have any other interests? Also if you can stand it volunteering can sometimes open up paths to friendship (or so I've noticed) or at the very least get you some socialising.

Depending on where you live there may be an aspie specific socialising group, I know here in there UK there are a number of them (and of course they are too far/too late for me to go to :bounce but not sure how common they are in other countries.

I have other interests like playing videogames and reading. I have also done volunteering before in a toy library and at a community centre entering statistics on a computer but didn't make any friendships out of doing that. I live in Australia and was wondering if other people on here from that country might be interested in chatting to me maybe?

 

[csanon]

Fitzy, just out of curiousity are you attracting younger or older people? I'm 33, and I've noticed that I tend to naturally converse easier with people in their 40s and 50s. I think it might be because they have their guard down and care less about their self-image or impressing anyone, thus coming off as more open and genuine.

 

[Fitzy]

Fitzy, just out of curiousity are you attracting younger or older people? I'm 33, and I've noticed that I tend to naturally converse easier with people in their 40s and 50s. I think it might be because they have their guard down and care less about their self-image or impressing anyone, thus coming off as more open and genuine.

Yeah probably more older people than myself I think. Haven't really had the chance to meet many younger people unfortunately although I would like to meet more.

 

[Geordie]

Hi Shawn.

It's alright, you'll definitely find new people who are aged 30 or more.

Don't worry, for younger people, there are always new interest groups that prop out out of anywhere and everywhere.

 

[Nolan1971]

Hello my name is Shawn and I'm new to these forums. I have Asperger's Syndrome and am finding it hard to meet people around my own age which is 30. I have tried different sports like tennis and social badminton but no luck there. I also remember trying a chess group once before. I was wondering if anyone else around my own age on here may have had a hard time trying to make friends as well?

At least here at AC I find it easy to make friends of any age. My beloved Butterfly Lady is 11yrs younger than me.

 

[Jacki Cucinotta]

Problems socialising do go hand in hand with being on the spectrum, some are not as affected as others but I think we all have our own varying problems with friends/socialising.

I suck at making friends, I can't make them in real life or online, I'm just not the friend type I think. You've already tried what a lot of people would suggest i.e joining clubs, do you have any other interests? Also if you can stand it volunteering can sometimes open up paths to friendship (or so I've noticed) or at the very least get you some socialising.

Depending on where you live there may be an aspie specific socialising group, I know here in there UK there are a number of them (and of course they are too far/too late for me to go to :bounce but not sure how common they are in other countries.

Problems socialising do go hand in hand with being on the spectrum, some are not as affected as others but I think we all have our own varying problems with friends/socialising.

I suck at making friends, I can't make them in real life or online, I'm just not the friend type I think. You've already tried what a lot of people would suggest i.e joining clubs, do you have any other interests? Also if you can stand it volunteering can sometimes open up paths to friendship (or so I've noticed) or at the very least get you some socialising.

Depending on where you live there may be an aspie specific socialising group, I know here in there UK there are a number of them (and of course they are too far/too late for me to go to :bounce but not sure how common they are in other countries.

I think you make an excellent point about that Kelly. Everyone has a different level of capability in making friends. I think it all depends on what people think a "friend" is to them. From my experience, my "friends" are people who share similar interests as me, individuals who I feel comfortable talking with, people I feel like I can trust, and those that I feel are respectful of who I am. Anyway, that's my definition of a "friend".

With that being said, what do you all think constitutes your definition of what a "friend" is? What qualities are ideal in your mind for a definition of a "friend" (i.e., age, interests, respect, values, etc.)? Do you have an easier time socializing with those who meet these qualities or those who possess different qualities?

 

[Fitzy]

I think you make an excellent point about that Kelly. Everyone has a different level of capability in making friends. I think it all depends on what people think a "friend" is to them. From my experience, my "friends" are people who share similar interests as me, individuals who I feel comfortable talking with, people I feel like I can trust, and those that I feel are respectful of who I am. Anyway, that's my definition of a "friend".

With that being said, what do you all think constitutes your definition of what a "friend" is? What qualities are ideal in your mind for a definition of a "friend" (i.e., age, interests, respect, values, etc.)? Do you have an easier time socializing with those who meet these qualities or those who possess different qualities?

A "friend" to me is someone who might be around my own age and who shares the same interests as me. I would have an easier time socialising with people who meet these qualities.

 

[Kelly]

With that being said, what do you all think constitutes your definition of what a "friend" is? What qualities are ideal in your mind for a definition of a "friend" (i.e., age, interests, respect, values, etc.)? Do you have an easier time socializing with those who meet these qualities or those who possess different qualities?

Good question, I don't have any pre-requisites for friends, obviously if we have things in common we are more likely to get on and have things to establish a friendship. The only thing I require is someone who will actually be a friend and not use me, treat me/speak to me like dirt etc. Unfortunately every person I have thought a friend in the past has done one of those things and because I'm always desperate for a friend I let them and eventually they get everything they want out of me and then ignore me, so now I don't even try, I can't deal with the misery that inevitably comes with friendships, it sucks but I've just had to accept I will never have friends and always just be the weird outsider.

 

[Arashi222]

To be honest I find it very very hard to have friends that are actually in my age group. Usually they are a bit older or a bit younger. I also find that I find friendship easier with those that seem to share similar interests. I tend to have hard time in being aggressive when it comes to friendships. I don't go out and seek them out. Most of the time people come to me to be friends and it either lives or dies with them. I do have a problem with once I get attached to someone then it hurts a lot more when they go away (hence the issues with my ex-friends). Has we get older I sometimes think it is harder to find groups to be involved in unless you have a hobby such as collecting something or a shared topic interest that you can talk about with people.

 

[Freckles]

Fitzy, you said you were into video games. Have you tried playing online? It seems like a good way to meet people with similar interests.

 

[Freckles]

A "friend" to me is someone who might be around my own age and who shares the same interests as me. I would have an easier time socialising with people who meet these qualities.

You'd probably find it easier to meet a bunch of people of varying interests and narrow it down from there. For instance, watch the local news so that you always have some small talk at the ready. Or maybe start following your local sports teams. If you're in the stands or at a sports bar, you can discuss what's going on. Where I live, Mountaineer Football and Basketball is king. I could mention it to any stranger on the street and strike up a conversation. I imagine it's the same in Australia.

While waiting in line at the grocery store, I've even struck up a conversation by pointing at the tabloids and saying "Looks like Lindsay Lohan is at it again." The way I see it, the more people you meet, the more likely you are to find people interested in you.

 

[Fitzy]

Fitzy, you said you were into video games. Have you tried playing online? It seems like a good way to meet people with similar interests.

No I haven't tried playing games online before as you probably have to pay money to do that. Do you play online yourself?

 

[Indigogrl79]

I have always had a hard time making friends. I had one friend at the age of 13yrs. Since then and through all the depression... (I'm 34 now but feel, act, look no older than 25) so I'm told, I haven't had any friends. People seem to look at me and question why I live at home still.... Ect. Why I am not married and have kids ect ect. It hurts sometimes... the way people see me.

 

[ColorfulDreams]

I have a hard time meeting people of any age,but I feel most comfortable with females of my own age. I dont associate much with older people unless it is for career reasons.

 

[motormouse]

Hi Fitzy, I'm in Oz too. I met my aspie partner riding motorbikes. It is a perfect passion for him.

a. He gets to tinker with the bike to no end
b. It's a sport that involves no real social interaction while it's going on - helmet
c. There are generally well established rules you can follow on group rides that are spelled out for you online or by the ride leader
d. Motorcycling groups (many online I can PM you some if you're interested) generally attract a diverse and mixed bunch which is accepting of many different people. Funnily enough, a lot of IT people. which is also perfect for him
e. He looks hot in leathers :wub:

Maybe try to get your L's, lots of groups hold L plate practice days and L plate friendly rides. I love the motorcycling community in Oz, really great people

 

[ravendragonwing]

I am almost 40, and it is so hard to make friends with people my own age, and here are my theories why:
1. Most women my age have children (I do not)
2. Most men my age are married and have kids (or divorced and looking to remarry)
3. Women my age tend to be married
4. I only look to be in my 20s
5. I play with LEGO, video games, etc, which are things that most women my age do not do

Because of this I tend to hang around 20 year olds, my co-worker is about 24, not married, no kids, loves to go to concerts and travel. I seem to relate more to her than another co-worker who is my age, unmarried, no kids and used to be an Olympic diver in Armenia and rides her bicycle every where.
shrug
I joined my local LEGO group and have joined a bellydance tribe, so I have all the friends I can handle at the moment.

 

[Christian T]

I've always foudn it difficult to talk to other people in my year at school. It's much better now though, because everyone has matured, and it has been much easier since I was about 12. Before I was 9 - about the time it became impossible to fit in if you had no interest in sport and computer games - I didn't struggle too much and found lots of people to play imaginative games with. After that, though, I had to rely on the one friend I'd made, and normally got by by talking to the teacher on yard duty, which carried on through high school after puberty hit my primary school friends hard and fast, and they quickly slipped away from me as their thoughts were already rearing towards SEX and DRUGS and GUNS and other big kid stuff, and I had long gotten over that obsession. I spent ages waiting for the other kids to catch up with me in terms of maturity - hope that doesn't sound self-flattering, a lot of people told me when I was in my early teens and late primary school years that I was very mature for my age.

So, even through kindergarten, actually, I loved talking to the adults much more than any of the other kids did. They were safe. They wouldn't reject me, they would always encourage me, and the ones I liked would always accept me. I used to find my sister and her friends much easier to play with then those my own age, but naturally all of the teachers wanted me to move away from that safety net - I'd have liked to have seen the look on my classmates faces if they pushed them from their social comfort zones. Plus, a few parents didn't want my accursed, hedonistic non-neurotypical ways to influence their children. "There's something wrong with him," they used to say.