fighting my inner demons

[VioletHaze_03]

for some, the start of the school year is supposed to be exciting. However, there's always an exception to the rule. by this point, i've just given up. on the first day. i face extreme social anxiety, and if i try to break the vicious circle, my ASD will just make me say something stupid. my self esteem is so low it may as well be invisible, and with my disgraphia, art can become stressful and just another output for self hatred. i mentioned in my first post that i came here because of a friend who called me out on my strange behaviours (i had trouble saying goodbye when i came over so i just walked out the door, i wouldn't know if i took a joke too far, i'd constantly twirl my hair) and told me that i needed to change, stop wallowing in my own pity party, or essentially, get lost. since i was self-diagnosed, everything started to fall into place. i understood myself and started to embrace my flaws. but just because this has started to happen doesn't mean every day is easy. it's no less of a battle, and a battle i rarely win. today i found out that friend i mentioned is in one of my classes, and she sat right beside me the whole time. i want to mend fences, desperately, but i have no idea how to even start. i guess i'm just really freaked out because this year is my last of high school, and i still feel like an alien. small talk is a foreign language. most "popular fashion" among my age group looks either skanky, ghetto, or homeless, and i don't understand things like parties, or prom, or smearing colored grease on one's lips to attract mates (or whatever teenage girls do) and worst of all, i have no idea where i'm going after this. it's all too terrifying and i can't even begin to think about graduating and the real world. it's just too scary right now and i just want to run away or curl right up into a good video game.i just want friends but i feel doomed to being alone. anyone know the feeling? or got any advice? anyway, sorry for the rant, just needed to get it out.

 

[Mia]

Always felt like that in high school. Often stayed in the library if I could, where it was quiet. You might want to start with friends by being around and listening to what they have to say, so you get an idea about what they talk about and what interests them. Don't write them off unless they really get on your nerves, one day at a time.

 

[VioletHaze_03]

Always felt like that in high school. Often stayed in the library if I could, where it was quiet. You might want to start with friends by being around and listening to what they have to say, so you get an idea about what they talk about and what interests them. Don't write them off unless they really get on your nerves, one day at a time.

thanks, i knew i wasn't the only one with this sort of experience.

 

[Momo]

Sounds like you just summarised my current high school life, it's fun, isn't it? I too have a 'friend' like that, I've basically just given up on her and gone full-blown loner. But oh well, never really had any friends to start with. As for choosing what to do, that is rather terrifying, isn't it? Isn't high school just great?

 

[Gracey]

Try focusing on getting through today

 

[VioletHaze_03]

Sounds like you just summarised my current high school life, it's fun, isn't it? I too have a 'friend' like that, I've basically just given up on her and gone full-blown loner. But oh well, never really had any friends to start with. As for choosing what to do, that is rather terrifying, isn't it? Isn't high school just great?

exactly :>

 

[OkRad]

My hs days wre spent like the girl in Breakfast Club. The weird one

 

[Maelstrom]

Highschool was a horror...and I was stuck in boarding school for 4 years...summers too for allot of it was like I was living in Alcatraze prison.

college was better people are too busy to bother you most of the time.

Life after school isn't much better...it is hard to find a way to fit in and survive.

 

[OlLiE]

my life became a lot easier when i freed myself of other people's expectations of how i should be, what is and is not normal, i am here, i am who i am with strengths and weaknesses - just like everyone else normal or not

it helped when i decided what i needed to be happy and organised my life accordingly without worrying what other people thought of it,

i'm in my 40's, i only got to where i am in my late 30's, way too late for coping with high school and university, and i still go through ups and downs

i don't want to be patronising but spectrum or not, puberty equals raging hormones that compels you to belong and find a partner, mind against instinctual imperative, in hindsight i can understand how that conflicted me more than 'normal' people when i was a kid

 

[SusanLR]

i don't want to be patronising but spectrum or not, puberty equals raging hormones that compels you to belong and find a partner,

@VioletHaze_03
High school would have been the same for me had I gone.
I was home schooled and had no desires for the dating, proms or circle of peer friends most of my age did.

And fortunately I didn't have the raging hormones that compel most at puberty and beyond I guess. Because I never felt that way. Those things never bothered me.
Life still felt scary and not knowing what to do didn't get better after school either.
Hope you find the way.

 

[WittyAspie]

Deep breath! It's going to be ok. You don't have to have your whole life figured out just yet. I turn 30 next month and still haven't figured myself out, but I have learned a lot since graduating high school. I had an older friend tell me that after I graduated I would rarely see anyone from school. I didn't believe him until his prediction came true. Focus on your studies and explore things that make you happy, no matter what others think about those things. Slowly but surely you will find people who relate to your hobbies. Most people don't really grow into themselves until after HS, so those people around you who look like they have it figured out and actually struggling to figure themselves out as well.

 

[Alaska]

Sounds like you just summarised my current high school life, it's fun, isn't it? I too have a 'friend' like that, I've basically just given up on her and gone full-blown loner. But oh well, never really had any friends to start with. As for choosing what to do, that is rather terrifying, isn't it? Isn't high school just great?

Ah yes. I hated high School also. I do not go to reunions.
Can't blame you two for hating it. For the socially inept, it can be torture.

I took longer to realize that my, "best friend" was just using me, so she was still around until after the end of High School. It would be nice if you two could be in the same school. Maybe you could pretend that you are classmates?

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Thanks god they are inner demons.

Outside demons suck big time.

 

[oregano]

It's your last year, what is called "senior year" in the US, so just focus on getting good enough grades to graduate, then once you have your HS diploma and you have turned 18 you can (at least in the US) walk out the door with a few changes of clothes in a duffel bag and buy a one way bus ticket out of your hometown and never look back. High school is hell on earth for most kids, not just aspies. I knew of kids who were in "relationships" so abusive that they were far worse than what a lot of adult abusive relationships are, kids who were sober just in class and then would go home and get smashed. Two girls were mothers on graduation day. And my school was pretty wealthy. The next year senior class had three kids kill themselves during the senior year after mine, and those kids basically just went through the motions until the cage door opened and they were free.

 

[WittyAspie]

It's your last year, what is called "senior year" in the US, so just focus on getting good enough grades to graduate, then once you have your HS diploma and you have turned 18 you can (at least in the US) walk out the door with a few changes of clothes in a duffel bag and buy a one way bus ticket out of your hometown and never look back. High school is hell on earth for most kids, not just aspies. I knew of kids who were in "relationships" so abusive that they were far worse than what a lot of adult abusive relationships are, kids who were sober just in class and then would go home and get smashed. Two girls were mothers on graduation day. And my school was pretty wealthy. The next year senior class had three kids kill themselves during the senior year after mine, and those kids basically just went through the motions until the cage door opened and they were free.

Real life is rough and it is happening all around us, even when we don't realize it.