Hi...first post here.
I have reasonable doubts to think that my partner of 6 years is on the spectrum but I’ve never mentioned this to him and never got a diagnosis. We’ve been struggling for almost as long as we have been in the relationship on matters of emotional intimacy except for the first 3 months (he was struggling but I couldn’t tell) and he shows many signs of Aspergers. Ever since we started dating, he’s changed a lot (for the better) but I always feel like something is missing. At first I thought he was shy, then figured he was very introvert but I figured an introvert would be able to provide meaningful deep conversations with emotions in it so I thought giving him time would help open up. He did open up but not nearly as I thought he would have.
I’ve had messy relationships and have abandonment issues myself that I think are in control now but his lack of deep emotion (he often goofs around instead of trying to come across as truly loving), his lack of validation and interest are making me feel like a little shriveled lifeless thing. We’ve been to couple counselling and it helped a bit but not so much. We also both went to individual therapy after which helped more. While I was seeing my own therapist, he himself pointed out that some of the behaviors I mentioned sounded like Aspergers.
I can’t shake the feeling that I don’t feel loved. I know he loves me, in fact I think he seems very safe for me, I have the feeling he would never ever leave me. But I also feel like I am starving emotionally. I am somewhat of an introvert but most people wouldn’t be able to tell, I like to laugh a lot and I’m sociable. Whenever I meet other people who I connect with, it just makes the gap so much more apparent and this is when I completely lose it. We are also at the point where we should be having children and this is making me extremely anxious. I worry about passing on the genetics; I feel like our relationship is taking its toll on me and that raising kids with special needs would just probably send me straight into a depression. As a child, I’ve not been as nurtured as I probably should have been and I also have a huge problem envisioning putting my own children through this.
I do love him, he’s gentle and caring most of the time, he has good values, he’s making a good living and he’s good at what he does. I feel so alone though. We have been neglecting each other, he’s very caught up in his work and I’m withdrawing by getting involved in more things than I have time for. I know we should be communicating more but every time I try and it doesn’t work, I feel extremely wounded and trapped. It often gets better for a few days and then goes back to normal; a pretty boring life where we hardly see any friends, speak of his work most of the time and just end up both at our own computers. Sometimes I think maybe I should leave even if it’s very scary but I am also afraid I would be destroying him. Other times I think I'm strong and that I can work through this but whenever the well runs dry, I start panicking.
Even if he had some quirks when we started dating, he did show interest in me and could look at me with what I felt was loving, longing eyes and a big smile. I don’t seem to ever get this anymore and I miss it so so much. I don't know what to do anymore :-( I really have problems telling apart what is my part in this and what is his. Can anyone with abandonment issues have a successful relationship with someone on the spectrum?
I have reasonable doubts to think that my partner of 6 years is on the spectrum but I’ve never mentioned this to him and never got a diagnosis. We’ve been struggling for almost as long as we have been in the relationship on matters of emotional intimacy except for the first 3 months (he was struggling but I couldn’t tell) and he shows many signs of Aspergers. Ever since we started dating, he’s changed a lot (for the better) but I always feel like something is missing. At first I thought he was shy, then figured he was very introvert but I figured an introvert would be able to provide meaningful deep conversations with emotions in it so I thought giving him time would help open up. He did open up but not nearly as I thought he would have.
I’ve had messy relationships and have abandonment issues myself that I think are in control now but his lack of deep emotion (he often goofs around instead of trying to come across as truly loving), his lack of validation and interest are making me feel like a little shriveled lifeless thing. We’ve been to couple counselling and it helped a bit but not so much. We also both went to individual therapy after which helped more. While I was seeing my own therapist, he himself pointed out that some of the behaviors I mentioned sounded like Aspergers.
I can’t shake the feeling that I don’t feel loved. I know he loves me, in fact I think he seems very safe for me, I have the feeling he would never ever leave me. But I also feel like I am starving emotionally. I am somewhat of an introvert but most people wouldn’t be able to tell, I like to laugh a lot and I’m sociable. Whenever I meet other people who I connect with, it just makes the gap so much more apparent and this is when I completely lose it. We are also at the point where we should be having children and this is making me extremely anxious. I worry about passing on the genetics; I feel like our relationship is taking its toll on me and that raising kids with special needs would just probably send me straight into a depression. As a child, I’ve not been as nurtured as I probably should have been and I also have a huge problem envisioning putting my own children through this.
I do love him, he’s gentle and caring most of the time, he has good values, he’s making a good living and he’s good at what he does. I feel so alone though. We have been neglecting each other, he’s very caught up in his work and I’m withdrawing by getting involved in more things than I have time for. I know we should be communicating more but every time I try and it doesn’t work, I feel extremely wounded and trapped. It often gets better for a few days and then goes back to normal; a pretty boring life where we hardly see any friends, speak of his work most of the time and just end up both at our own computers. Sometimes I think maybe I should leave even if it’s very scary but I am also afraid I would be destroying him. Other times I think I'm strong and that I can work through this but whenever the well runs dry, I start panicking.
Even if he had some quirks when we started dating, he did show interest in me and could look at me with what I felt was loving, longing eyes and a big smile. I don’t seem to ever get this anymore and I miss it so so much. I don't know what to do anymore :-( I really have problems telling apart what is my part in this and what is his. Can anyone with abandonment issues have a successful relationship with someone on the spectrum?