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Do people have friends?

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by ucrenegade, Jun 29, 2021.

  1. ucrenegade

    ucrenegade Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Ever since I became a adult even before I knew I had autism I could not find/keep friends. Not sure if I got weirder or worse as a adult or no one noticed in high school and college because for the most part everyone is immature in those times? Which is why I am on here hoping to find a friend or two that is similar. I tried having them in the neurotypical world and it has not worked. Even family like cousins and stuff have grown apart.
     
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  2. Yeshuasdaughter

    Yeshuasdaughter You know, that one lady we met that one time. V.I.P Member

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    I guess people usually make friends at work, church, at their kids' activities, etc. Or if you go to a restaurant or bar a lot, you'll get to know the staff and the regulars.

    Most adult friendships are acquaintances. That one person who works at the grocery store, the maintenance man at your apartments, your neighbor, the guy from work, etc. Those are the silver friends.

    Every decade or so, there's that one special person that comes into your life that you want to hang out with and has a lot in common with you. And if one of you moves away, you spend the rest of your life wondering how they are and laughing at the crazy antics you got into. Those are the golden friends.

    Just be friendly, and people will like you and want to talk to you.
     
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  3. phantom

    phantom Active Member

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    I don't have any, i have already given up ever having one. It just doesn't work.
     
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  4. ucrenegade

    ucrenegade Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Yeah if it was only that easy. I have found it is not.
     
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  5. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    Face it, we are quirky. Not everyone is going to like quirky, nor do they want to hang out with us. But sometimes we are lucky to meet true friends, but it can be some time.
     
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  6. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    I didn't make friends until I met Christians. If you attend a good Christian church, you will have friends.
     
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  7. Ronin82

    Ronin82 Dog Trainer Extraordinaire

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    I'm weird, I'll admit it. I get along with plenty of people, have lots of acquaintances, and even people who like to eat lunch and play card games with me. HOWEVER, actual CLOSE friends who go out of their way to hang out with me and we can share intimate thoughts and feelings together? I have MAYBE 2, none of which is family. I consider myself very fortunate to have those 2. I keep trying to make others, but it's tough. I'm a friendly and outgoing person, but my autistic quirks make it difficult to build meaningful connections in ways NT's understand.

    I attend a martial arts class. We are a very social group, and consider ourselves a family of sorts. I love these guys, and they really go out of their way to make me feel like part of the group. Try to find an activity group that does something you are good at, and keep showing up. That's how I got in with these guys. I'm a good martial artist, and even though I had issues, I kept showing up. Now, its weird for them when I don't show up, and they miss me!
     
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  8. Wulven

    Wulven Active Member

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    Really living up to your avatar character. ;)
     
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  9. Bolletje

    Bolletje Overly complicated potato V.I.P Member

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    I have friends, but I don’t necessarily enjoy the upkeep requirements. Keeping in touch via text is fine by me, but most of my friends want to meet up regularly and I don’t feel the same.
     
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  10. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    I didn't start having friendships until middle school, and then, it was just one person at a time. Friend groups never worked for me, I was always on the margins - there physically, but not a part of it. That's what comes with an inability to join in group conversations, I was never able to integrate myself into the group.

    I remember that when I was about 11, I had a friend who I hung out with a bit. Then she made friends with another girl and started to hang out with her more. I tried to join in, but I couldn't integrate myself into the conversation - the quality of their conversation and communication was noticeablely different - something I couldn't put my finger on, but definitely different. I walked away and didn't hang out with them again.

    When I went to university, I had one or two friends, but they were oddballs, people who like me were on the margins and didn't really fit in. I don't seem to be able to give people what they want or need and I don't keep the friends.
     
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  11. SimonSays

    SimonSays Time is an illusion I seem to have a lot of V.I.P Member

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    I don't have friends. I have had friends, or at least people I spend time with and do things with, who I can talk to, share experiences. But they are rare and don't usually last. My ability to go into my experiences usually exceeds theirs and so perhaps my perspective dominates a bit; it may not be balanced enough for them.

    For the most part unexpected friendships can be very intense when things suddenly click, as if there's been a real deficit, so when what's missing is suddenly not missing any more, there's all this built up reserve that wants expression. With the right person it can be intense for a while and then seems to burn itself out.

    The usual things that people do I don't really do, and so without that intensity fuelling the connection, little is left it seems, certainly nothing that can sustain itself long-term. I'm either in somebody's life or I'm out of their life. I don't let months go by where no contact has taken place and then we get together and catch up. Don't really understand that kind of relationship. We are either involved with each other, speaking to each other, daily, regularly, seeing each other regularly, because who else would I see? Or, they just become a memory of something that was good but is no more.

    Never had friends growing up, and work colleagues who became friends for a while just because of proximity and familiarity, never continue. Unexpected encounters with strangers where something clicks is so rare that I'm not even sure I know how to deal with that any more. I often get a feeling of excitement that can be overwhelming for me, so God knows what that must be like for them.

    I tend to keep to myself these days and am used to it that I probably don't seem approachable or even friendly to people who understand the idea of friends more clearly. These people tend to have quite a few people in their lives already, whether I would call them friends or just acquaintances. For them, that is their circle of "friends”. It doesn't seem there is any need for another, especially one who might seem a little different.

    It's easier to maintain connection virtually, textually, or with a voice message, for longer. There's time to really say what I want to say and consider what comes back, and that makes things feel real for me, easier then finding ways to be physically connected with another.

    I'm quite happy to meet someone and hike through the woods or walk round the park while talking about stuff, sitting on a bench eating an ice cream, just keeping it simple and making the conversation, the discovery, the insight, what matters. I don't have anyone I do that with now.

    I'm always open to the possibility of having a friend, even though I don't expect anything when it seems it might be happening initially. Those who have gone on to become closer than friends, which often seems inevitable with that feeling of connection and where there's attraction, tends to only complicate the friendship rather than complete it.

    But I'm still not closed to it. I just accept that long periods go by, and I no longer think something is missing and try to change it. I think that may allow something to come more easily if it's going to, but if it doesn't it's okay. It has to be.
     
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  12. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I don't have any friends in real life either.
    I'm not even really sure how to define what people call true friends.
    Occasionally someone comes into my life I feel a connection with, but, the same as @SimonSays
    that has usually turned into something more on the physical level which has always just complicated
    the good we found.
    Romances never faired well. We didn't want the same for our lives.

    I've never been one for groups or friend groups. Just one at a time and yes, it fades away in time.
    But, it doesn't bother me and I don't go looking for friends. At my age now, it's come what may.
     
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  13. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    Friends -kinda of slippery eels. It's friendship that can change in an instant. So were they really friends to begin with? I prefer the word acquaintances, those that fade in then fade out of our lifetime. Friends are people that usually you feel more connected to.

    I have always done better with male friends then female friends. Woman can morp into catty chatty exorcist friends and leaving me confused. My male friends don't have so many layers and are cool to hang with.
     
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  14. Yeshuasdaughter

    Yeshuasdaughter You know, that one lady we met that one time. V.I.P Member

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    You know what kind of aspies make the best friends? The "Strong, Silent Type". Those loyal folks that are of few words, and often sojourning alone. They don't judge you. You can sit with them in silence for a long time, just looking over a desert mesa, or in the living room, and it's okay. You know that you're loyal to each other, and it's cool.

    Those are the folks with the highest morals, and the most understanding when someone messes up, they are quick to forgive and also to advise, but they don't judge or condemn. They are always ready to help, and their word, though few are spoken, is their bond.

    Mad props to the strong silent type around here.
     
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  15. ucrenegade

    ucrenegade Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Thank but i am not a christian I am a grafted in hebrew.
     
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  16. ucrenegade

    ucrenegade Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I don't have friends. I have had friends, or at least people I spend time with and do things with, who I can talk to, share experiences. But they are rare and don't usually last. My ability to go into my experiences usually exceeds theirs and so perhaps my perspective dominates a bit; it may not be balanced enough for them.


    This is my sentiment also I have found once you truly share even when I was attending a church then they leave you and you really don't hear from them anymore.
     
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  17. Ronald Zeeman

    Ronald Zeeman Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    My former boss and a few ex-colleagues want to get together with me, after work for them, so don't always assume they are not your friends, they reached out to me. just got back from having met my friends , had a good time over a meal lots of catching up. good time lots of conversation laughter.
     
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2021
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  18. Martha Ferris

    Martha Ferris Seeking answers

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    I have had a handful of friends over the years and I have treasured each.
    I find that relationships are built on meeting each others needs and wants whether the relationship is romantic or friendship. There are negotiations and exchanges involved although they are often unspoken. When the needs and wants of those in the relationship stop being met then people move on to find others who can provide them with what they seek.
    Being in health care people often wanted a relationship with me for that reason. I draw people to me who need care and my strength.
    Over the years I worked at being as independent as I could be. I have been told I am too independent more than once. That crosses over into my relationships. I have very few needs thus end up in unbalanced relationships where more is asked of me than is offered. Relationships become draining. I have pretty much learned to meet the needs I do have on my own rather than relying on others to do that for me.
    Sometimes I get lonely and try to find a friend but then I think about the reality of my past relationships and give up the wishful thinking.
    I am at the point where relationships are just too much work and not worth it. That being said I would like to have just one good friend but living where I do and in my circumstances that is highly unlikely. Further I don't have anything to offer anyone in a relationship. I have nothing to trade. This is not self pity it is a realistic assessment of my situation.
    Since 2016 after my last friend relationship ended due to the increasing lack of respect for me over a years time and the unwillingness to remedy the behavior which she admited was wrong but kept doing anyway, my interactions with others primarily consists of what knowledge and insight I can provide and I don't expect anything in return. I have learned not to.
    Being a caregiver is merely my role in life and what people seek me out for and I have accepted it. It serves no useful purpose to wish otherwise.
     
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  19. Rainbowcat

    Rainbowcat Well-Known Member

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    I have friends,but i am not sure who are my real friends.
    After graduating from the University, my friends returned back to their parents town or left abroad for a master's degree. I chose after working in a company to start studying a second degree.

    I have kept 2 friends from school, they both live in the same town with me. In my second degree, i talk with 3 students and i think i could say they are my friends.

    In order for someone to be my friend i wait 2 or 3 years to see if they are still the same or better person i met. Because if they have evolved in a more negative way, which affects a lot our friendship, then they can't be considered my friends anymore.

    I find hard keeping friendships, but i have found my self feeling lonelier overall, when in my life i did not have friends. I have lived without friends and the only friend i had was my self. So i like to spend time by myself and do things by my self and enjoying time being alone, like swiming in the sea, biking or windsurfing or meditating or even going out by my self and reading a book etc.
     
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  20. watersprite

    watersprite inadvertent vagabond V.I.P Member

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    I have some friends but they live elsewhere. I am searching for a local friend but doubt it will prove successful, as, to put it nicely;
    I do not fit in here.
     
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