I don't have friends. I have had friends, or at least people I spend time with and do things with, who I can talk to, share experiences. But they are rare and don't usually last. My ability to go into my experiences usually exceeds theirs and so perhaps my perspective dominates a bit; it may not be balanced enough for them.
For the most part unexpected friendships can be very intense when things suddenly click, as if there's been a real deficit, so when what's missing is suddenly not missing any more, there's all this built up reserve that wants expression. With the right person it can be intense for a while and then seems to burn itself out.
The usual things that people do I don't really do, and so without that intensity fuelling the connection, little is left it seems, certainly nothing that can sustain itself long-term. I'm either in somebody's life or I'm out of their life. I don't let months go by where no contact has taken place and then we get together and catch up. Don't really understand that kind of relationship. We are either involved with each other, speaking to each other, daily, regularly, seeing each other regularly, because who else would I see? Or, they just become a memory of something that was good but is no more.
Never had friends growing up, and work colleagues who became friends for a while just because of proximity and familiarity, never continue. Unexpected encounters with strangers where something clicks is so rare that I'm not even sure I know how to deal with that any more. I often get a feeling of excitement that can be overwhelming for me, so God knows what that must be like for them.
I tend to keep to myself these days and am used to it that I probably don't seem approachable or even friendly to people who understand the idea of friends more clearly. These people tend to have quite a few people in their lives already, whether I would call them friends or just acquaintances. For them, that is their circle of "friends”. It doesn't seem there is any need for another, especially one who might seem a little different.
It's easier to maintain connection virtually, textually, or with a voice message, for longer. There's time to really say what I want to say and consider what comes back, and that makes things feel real for me, easier then finding ways to be physically connected with another.
I'm quite happy to meet someone and hike through the woods or walk round the park while talking about stuff, sitting on a bench eating an ice cream, just keeping it simple and making the conversation, the discovery, the insight, what matters. I don't have anyone I do that with now.
I'm always open to the possibility of having a friend, even though I don't expect anything when it seems it might be happening initially. Those who have gone on to become closer than friends, which often seems inevitable with that feeling of connection and where there's attraction, tends to only complicate the friendship rather than complete it.
But I'm still not closed to it. I just accept that long periods go by, and I no longer think something is missing and try to change it. I think that may allow something to come more easily if it's going to, but if it doesn't it's okay. It has to be.
