Do other women on the spectrum have trouble dating

[Jonn]

do you guys experience this feeling that, men are intangible? the possibility of being happy with one "forever" is a joke?

I am too old and have too much "baggage" to be in a marriage.
I focus on having good friends.

I think this forever after trope is simply an arbitrary social construct, but being in a loving relationship is still an extremely pleasant experience.
People give too little attention to platonic relationships, imo.

 

[Jonn]

Just to give some perspective, here is me just now out of shape and overweight at 48 years old

You look a lot younger than 48, btw.

 

[Jumpback]

You look a lot younger than 48, btw.

Quoting as a “winner” because I like your comment ;0)

 

[Jonn]

ut, I'm old now too, and prefer not to live alone. So it's platonic.

Companionship is good.

 

[unperson]

Imo it's mostly the women who chase and form the relationship, would vary a lot culturally and depends on gender ratios, but in cities there's usually an oversupply of females, well here anyway, lived in sydney till i was40. so Sydney, Melbourne... more women than men - Perth and Adelaide it's more even. Straight aspie guys might do better in bigger cities...?

 

[Aspychata]

Think in LA, it was 5 woman to every one man. Which is great if you are avoiding men.

 

[Moonhart44]

Just to give some perspective, here is me just now out of shape and overweight at 48 years old

View attachment 63897

I’ve finally come to finally realize that I am actually pretty good looking. Plus I am very athletic and muscular. When I was involved in fitness and bodybuilding around the age of 19, I could beat almost everyone off the dribble in basketball with quickness and was so close to being able to dunk (the only problem was that my hands are small so even though I could jump high enough, the basketball would “squirt” out of my hands) despite being 5’10” and having short arms and being heavier from being muscular

But this is my life: starting at age 12, getting books knocked out of my hands and chasing them down the stairs making me late for the bus and so on by Star Trek nerd bully, who I had no idea how to deal with because I am autistic and had no interest in people, so this was so surpising that that it just caused confusion and anxiety. This was ignored by teachers. Then by 14 things escalating to violent slaps of my head and spitballs and even harassment by burnouts about my “Jewish nose” (I am not Jewish). And so on and so on. When I look back I kind of feel like women, possibly even some off the most attractive girls in school, were attracted to me, but if these seemed to be happening, it seemed like male bullies would torment me to increase their dominance to seem more attractive to woman and get rid of me as competition or something else, because they knew I would get confused and anxious about bullying which they could also torment me for. Or at least that’s how things seem to me now, at the time I was just overwhelmingly confused and a nervous wreck and had a nervous breakdown at 16 from the bullying

So I get involved in bodybuilding after I graduated high school at 17 and then go off to college and become very liberal. But what this results in is very confusing things from women because I can not figure out what their messages mean, but very, very aggressive behavior from gay men. First sexual assault by gay couple after unending attempts to conquest me were unsuccessful, which then resulted in accusations of my repressed homosexuality and hate and danger to others and while hospitalized for all this, I have many disorders and my brain does not work right

Then in trying to look for acceptance somewhere, this results in roommate who was raped as a child because I thought he might understand and I might finally get support and understanding somewhere, but then he is in love with me and banning women who might be a threat and so on and so on and eventually him breaking down my door to get at me and needing to fight him off and so on. But trying to explain this, especially since he believed he was “made gay” all makes everyone upset and I can get no help for anything due to assumptions of all my hate and delusions and repressed things and whatever else forever. But then panic attacks and so on caused by these things seem to make me absolutely uninteresting to women.

Then on and on and on and on.

Like I just think that whatever issues women have, if ASD guy doesn’t find his place or gets sidetracked by nonsense like I did, it’s actually worse for men.

i looked up that people who are in the asd range are often mistaken for the wrong sexuality. i also have been bullied many times for being "lesbian" when i was not. i have had many women and men try to tell me i am a lesbian or even groom me to try to swing with them. i even had a boyfriend who bullied me to try to push me to "admitting" i was gay. I have tried to find comfort in people who are like me, that is hurt people, but they end up assaulting me.

i think its harder for men in the sense that men have to do the pursuit, but i feel like with your stories you shared i can relate to you.

 

[Moonhart44]

Imo it's mostly the women who chase and form the relationship, would vary a lot culturally and depends on gender ratios, but in cities there's usually an oversupply of females, well here anyway, lived in sydney till i was40. so Sydney, Melbourne... more women than men - Perth and Adelaide it's more even. Straight aspie guys might do better in bigger cities...?

im from la and i agree. big cities is much easier to get action, but not so much for relationships. i feel like i am never pursuing tho. there are sooo many more guys it feels sometimes. even if you are what people call ugly, if youre a woman you will get hounded by men down the streets of hollywood guaranteed, people asking to marry you

 

[Au Naturel]

I think I'd say that 85% of men are not "bullies" but rather there's a lot of miscommunication and unrealistic expectations.

Take teasing for instance. NTs tease each other all the time. It rolls off their backs like water off a duck. They might make a game out of it, going back and forth. Best buds tease each other. Sometimes it is even part of the courtship process.

The same level of teasing would destroy me. I couldn't just laugh at it. It was like a knife to the gut. Was it my Aspie inability to properly read social cues? Did my depression leave me more vulnerable? NT life can be pretty rough and tumble and they weren't bullies, I was too vulnerable. I just wasn't reacting the way another NT would.

A real bully is someone who gets their kicks by forcing a weak person into a subordinate position because it makes them feel superior. There is a sadistic element involved. Some of that happens but I don't see huge amounts.

 

[unperson]

Think in LA, it was 5 woman to every one man. Which is great if you are avoiding men.

Twas about 6 women for every man in Sydney, lots great chicks with not much wrong with them and they're solo, so not much hope for me esp with not wanting kids. Was quite strange, shoulda moved to a more even gender ratio sooner but you don't have the perspective till you see how it is elsewhere.

 

[clg114]

l have discovered that about 85% of men are outright bullies. Once you come to this realization, dating has zero value. There are very few men that realize being a bully gets them nowhere. l am going thru this exact situation of being bullied. l choose not to particpate. l say celebrate yourself. Don't put yourself out there to be put down. And it gets worse as you age. They can be more aggressive with bully tactics. Once you stop dating you find freedom. Freedom comes from within. Acceptance comes from within. l have met a lot of older woman who are perfectly happy alone.They tried the relationship route several times and gave up. Now they own their house and their car and live in peace.

There are very very very few men that l get along with and are even attracted too as a older then dirt female. lol

I really do not know what I would do if I was alone. Probably die. I have been married almost all of my adult life. At this point in our lives, we not only want each other, we need each other for every day support. I have never bullied her because if I did she would put a stop to that very quickly. I could not do that to my long time life partner.

 

[Aspychata]

I really do not know what I would do if I was alone. Probably die. I have been married almost all of my adult life. At this point in our lives, we not only want each other, we need each other for every day support. I have never bullied her because if I did she would put a stop to that very quickly. I could not do that to my long time life partner.

Thats great. I was married to a bully. He felt he owned me, and he owned all of my things. He caused me a lot of duress for a very long time. There are stats on divorced woman, a lot of us never remarry, alot due to abuse. l am very happy. l love my independence, and l respect my very close friend and l respect their independence. I care enough for them that l am fine with whatever they are comfortable with. Most people over 55+ in America in major cities live alone according to the US Census. Apparently, l am average based on that statistic. But l only have enough to support myself, l can't afford deadwood.

l don't want to be locked into a relationship where l absolutely hate the guy and feel stuck until l die. l refuse to be pushed into a relationship with a man just because. There has to be something more. I felt stuck in my marriage for a least 5 years because l just wanted my daughter to graduate from high school.

Being on the spectrum means that we view relationships differently then NT's. I am not going to just live with some random guy, when l have my interests and can keep myself occupied. I don't want to be a house slave- l don't want to do your laundry,clean your bathroom, or cook your meals, along with all the other horrible things you would want me to do. l prefer to stay broke and handle my own affairs.

 

[hatfullofrain]

Yes to the intangible question. I feel like it's out of my reach. Outside of my life. There's nothing I've been able to do to make it happen. Men are not into me, so it's not something I can ever imagine happening now. It's not a part of my existence and never has been.

I've managed to find a handful of female friends in the same boat. Men don't fancy them either. So we are never any of us in relationships, apart from one who had a boyfriend for a while, but he was horrible to her.

It's not even a part of my friends lives, so yes, relationships are very abstract and fiction-like to me.

 

[Jonn]

i looked up that people who are in the asd range are often mistaken for the wrong sexuality. i also have been bullied many times for being "lesbian" when i was not. i have had many women and men try to tell me i am a lesbian or even groom me to try to swing with them. i even had a boyfriend who bullied me to try to push me to "admitting" i was gay. I have tried to find comfort in people who are like me, that is hurt people, but they end up assaulting me.

i think its harder for men in the sense that men have to do the pursuit, but i feel like with your stories you shared i can relate to you.

Moral of the story: Stay away from NTs.

Have you had any of these problems with people on the spectrum?
Yes, I have met some nasty aspies also, but I believe it is a lot less common to be treated like that by auties who are enlightened about autism.

 

[Jonn]

im from la and i agree. big cities is much easier to get action, but not so much for relationships. i feel like i am never pursuing tho. there are sooo many more guys it feels sometimes. even if you are what people call ugly, if youre a woman you will get hounded by men down the streets of hollywood guaranteed, people asking to marry you

I don't think this is typical.
Reason suggests you have attractive qualities you may not be fully aware of.

 

[hatfullofrain]

Ah, the old,but aspies won't treat you that way trope.

Worst I was ever treated was by an aspie. He was the last straw for me. I give up.

 

[Bro'Freak]

I can imagine it being difficult for Aspie women to date just as for men. Especially if when in a relationship things get stressed & communication breaks down. Rumination & fear leading to misconstruing the other half's intentions. Which can be a disaster if both are on spectrum. I'm sure that someone who's good for you is out there, it's just a matter of bumping into them. It doesn't mean that one should immediately jump into bed with them as lust & want doesn't automatically mean compatible. I met a lady a while back when I was a blubbing mess after a long relationship failed. We could have but didn't, we are good friends to this day & this fact surprised everyone that we hadn't gotten close. We had many chances but something in both of us was not quite right for us. Getting older is strange but I do like the perspective shift it brings.

 

[Jonn]

Think in LA, it was 5 woman to every one man. Which is great if you are avoiding men.

I thought it was "Two girls for every boy."

 

[Jonn]

Ah, the old,but aspies won't treat you that way trope.

Worst I was ever treated was by an aspie. He was the last straw for me. I give up.

Yeah.
When I first joined Wrong Planet, many years ago, I was expecting most aspies would be embracing "The Aspie Ideal".
I was sadly disappointed.
But I still believe that overall, auties tend to be more honest and ethical than the majority of NT.
Most aspies have greater respect for honesty than NTs.
I do.

 

[Jonn]

I can imagine it being difficult for Aspie women to date just as for men. Especially if when in a relationship things get stressed & communication breaks down. Rumination & fear leading to misconstruing the other half's intentions. Which can be a disaster if both are on spectrum.

That is why it is important that *both* aspies partners be enlightened into what it means to be on the spectrum. We *tend* to be more cognitive/intellectual, and *tend* to be able to talk in a more rational way.
It is a matter of acknowledging our lack of theory of mind and have more direct, honest dialogue.