Do I have to become like my older brother?

[Markness]

Keeping up appearances was important to them.

It was more important to them than being caring parents and our mental well-being’s.

 

[FayetheAspie]

So called "bad boys" just help themselves to what they want. They want sex? They find a vulnerable woman that good guys would feel too exploitative to take advantage of. It's not the "badness" we are attracted to, it's confidence and go-get-it attitude, it's just unfortunate that less-scrupled men are often the ones to embody that attitude.

Personally, I don't even like the described attitude. A guy needs to be a little bit socially awkward to even have a cute factor to be drawn to as well as seeming more relatable ( some science nerd vibes don't hurt either ). Confident go-get attitude guys make me very uncomfortable and I could not imagine going out with them. They seem so unrelatable too. Why would I want to date someone if I can't even relate to their basic brain wiring at all ?

 

[Markness]

Personally, I don't even like the described attitude. A guy needs to be a little bit socially awkward to even have a cute factor to be drawn to as well as seeming more relatable ( some science nerd vibes don't hurt either ). Confident go-get attitude guys make me very uncomfortable and I could not imagine going out with them. They seem so unrelatable too. Why would I want to date someone if I can't even relate to their basic brain wiring at all ?

Sadly, there are a lot of stigmas against shy people in the crummy culture I live in. Someone who is loud and reckless is actually considered more acceptable than someone who is quiet and careful.

 

[FayetheAspie]

@Markness I'm really speaking for myself. I can't think of any other women my age that I know in real life, that would completely agree with me . I don't really understand how most people think regardless of which gender they are so I am probably not a good representation of the average woman. I just think it's sad that so many guys do act like jerks and it seems like if one seems like he might be nicer, he starts taking advice from jerks and becomes one himself.

 

[Markness]

I don’t understand how my efforts throughout the last five years didn’t succeed. Other people told me it was guaranteed I would have a partner but I am still single.

 

[tree]

Those people were encouraging you, but I think there
are no *guarantees* regarding social relationships.

 

[Markness]

One of my ex-friends told me I was just overthinking things in regards to relationships but no matter what I attempted, it didn’t go my way.

 

[Hypnalis]

I don’t understand how my efforts throughout the last five years didn’t succeed. Other people told me it was guaranteed I would have a partner but I am still single.

So you ignore your actual experiences in favor of believing the claims of random people, even when they are obviously a poor fit?

This is unwise.

Unless you're looking for something to hide behind, in which case you're in luck. You'll never run out of excuses.

 

[Uri]

You have the ability to make changes within certain limits. Find the areas where you can improve and get moving on them.

I don't have to improve anything.

You make it sound like I need to improve myself just to impress some superficial girl.

In reality it doesn't work like that.

 

[Xinyta]

I don’t understand how my efforts throughout the last five years didn’t succeed. Other people told me it was guaranteed I would have a partner but I am still single.

It's simpler than you think.

- Expectations. Never let these rule how you do things. Because you'll typically be quite often disappointed.

- Too much focus on others. Focusing too much on other's reactions and behaviors, but not enough in your own. This can, and will, lead to confirmation bias.

- Instant connections with strangers are NEVER a guarantee. Whether you are looking for friends or a relationship. The expectation that things will just hit off instantly will always get you in trouble. Not to say they will never happen. But it's not as likely with looking for a partner, particularly.

- Be yourself. Trying to be anything else, but yourself, is doomed to fail. Having self-worth issues makes this difficult.

- It's not about you. You are not more important than anyone else. Your feelings cannot overrule other's feelings. People will not just drop everything to confirm and validate your feelings, and instantly be your significant other. You need to get to know people for a short period before anything happens. A year or so. Some get together after a few months. But it's at the pace that's most comfortable. This is with strangers anyway.

Communication and connection are a dance. If you are doing the waltz but your partner is wanting to do the tango. That connection will not work. Your minds are on two different pages. This is going to be even more difficult for us ASD folks, but it's possible to learn to do the dance of the other. But the effort needs to be put in.

 

[velociraptor]

I don't have to improve anything.

Everyone has room for improvement somewhere. In your case, perhaps start with your defeatist attitude.

You make it sound like I need to improve myself just to impress some superficial girl.

You're reading something else into what I said.

In reality it doesn't work like that.

Sure does. I've got this neat thing called life experience that I have learned from.

 

[Mary Terry]

I don't have to improve anything.

You make it sound like I need to improve myself just to impress some superficial girl.

In reality it doesn't work like that.

Perhaps you are unconsciously signaling to women that you consider them as just "some superficial girl". That's a total turnoff for women. The smell of superiority reeks to women. It also sends a signal that you are not the kind of person who will actually acknowledge and work on your faults to improve nor will you compromise with others.

 

[Markness]

My grandparents would sometimes ask me if I was going to give them grandchildren like my siblings have done. I now only have one grandparent remaining in my life and I still can’t even get a date.

 

[paloftoon]

You don't need to be like your brother except for if he is and is able to live independently- make enough income to live on your own with roommates that aren't family and survive on your own, maybe with a little spend money too. This will help you be more desirable to those whom you may want to date too.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

i already know my parents won't witness me get married

 

[Tony Ramirez]

i already know my parents won't witness me get married

Me, too, even have a girlfriend or just a real solo hang.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Me, too, even have a girlfriend or just a real solo hang.

yeah, even though my parents sort of got to witness something of me, even though in other posts, i am reluctant to call my previous partner an ex, it felt like we were more friends instead, but she was the first woman i introduced to my parents and in which i met her parents as well, but yeah, thinking about her makes me angry, yeah, i just hate human nature a lot at times.

 

[Wizardry]

This is something that regularly eats at me and has done so for many years now. My older brother has always been more socially adept than me and has been married with five children (The same number of children our own father has sired.) for some years now. While I don’t deny that my older brother has always been more socially outgoing than I have been, he has also been very aggressive and even hostile towards other people. He’s even denigrated women but he’s always had dates and girlfriends.

I keep fearing that I will have to become like him, even though I dislike a lot of his traits and I was constantly in his shadow during my developmental years.

In all likelihood, the reason your brother is more successful at dating is because he's more socially adept than you, not because of aggression, hostility or some other negative trait. Aspies notoriously struggle with social skills and non-verbal communication, which makes it more difficult to perceive and create dating opportunities as a heterosexual man.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

In all likelihood, the reason your brother is more successful at dating is because he's more socially adept than you, not because of aggression, hostility or some other negative trait. Aspies notoriously struggle with social skills and non-verbal communication, which makes it more difficult to perceive and create dating opportunities as a heterosexual man.

yup, not worth me repeating, you should know what i'm getting at, and obviously thats going to affect mens dating lives more than womens dating lives, even hearing stories of people, mainly guys, men, who eventually got girlfriends/wives, but later than the societal norm, its still easy to get depressed and resentful of cases/stories like that, not everyone gets to have relationships around the traditional societal timeline

 

[Markness]

In all likelihood, the reason your brother is more successful at dating is because he's more socially adept than you, not because of aggression, hostility or some other negative trait. Aspies notoriously struggle with social skills and non-verbal communication, which makes it more difficult to perceive and create dating opportunities as a heterosexual man.

He would even tell me I needed to be a “jackass” like him if I wanted the girls’ attention. But I can’t list most of what he did here because most of it was really crude and vulgar actions.