Distressed with dating

[Aspie Gf]

Hi! I am so glad to have found this discussion board. I am a Rehabilitation Counselor and work with individuals with Aspergers Syndrome near daily. However, I have never dated one before and I am learning it's a whole different world. I am very attracted to him, we are in our Midtwenties, and I can tell he is attracted to me too. He hasn't ever really learned about his Aspergers until recently and hasn't dated for over 4 years. His major relationships ended badly. My last relationship also ended badly and I now know I developed some insecurities from it.

I have a strong personality and stand up for myself. The guy I am seeing has an explosive temper. I have called him on it and he says he doesn't know why he explodes with me, he says he hasn't done that with anybody else. We almost called things off yesterday because we started to have almost daily conflict. The weirdest things really irritate him. He got a kitten this week and I asked him what the kittens personality was like and he WENT OFF saying a kitten doesn't have a personality and doesn't get why I asked that question. Things like that. I rely like him but I can't handle this if he keeps exploding. I am now seeing yesterday as a come to Jesus moment and realize that a lot of chit chat doesn't work well with him but we are just getting to know each other so I'm not sure what to do.

How do I reconcile my need not to feel emotionally abused with his explosive word vomit sometimes and how he interprets some of my questions like above? I want this to work and think it can but he doesn't accommodate my insecurities. When I told him I'm trying to accommodate his needs, he should accommodate mine, that's when he states that he wondered if this is too much work. Neither of us have had this rocky of a start to dating. We aren't "committed" but we are interested in only each other.

Help!

 

[Ereth]

I'm going to go ahead and recommend counseling. As a counselor yourself, I'm also assuming that you have access to some resources about ASD. They're worth revisiting.

The number one thing to remember is that you can't take stuff like the kitten thing personally. Aspies tend to interpret certain things very strictly (varying from one case to another) and can become agitated when confronted with something that seems to deviate from their perceptions. (Your sort-of-beau does need to learn to control his temper, however.)

 

[Ste11aeres]

Why do you like him?

 

[May Black]

To be fair, if you asked me what's the personality of my kitten I'd be quite lost too, which however would not give me any right to get verbally abusive. I'd probably recommend you to stick to topics that you're both interested in. I guess that might consider the cat, but your question was way too abstract. You could ask what kind of food the cat likes. I'm not sure if you get the difference.

I'm not sure he knows what you mean with accommodating your needs. Again, it's way too abstract.

When my boyfriend does something I don't like, generally I ask myself whether I can live with it or not. If the answer is not, I will proceed to asking him if he'd be capable to adjust that particular behavior, and I make sure I explain to him why as logically as I can.

Just a thought, don't take this the wrong way, but to build a relationship with an Aspie based on physical attraction might be rather difficult and painful if your personalities clash too much.

 

[Ste11aeres]

It's your own decision, but personally, I couldn't date someone with that kind of a temper. If one ever ended up married to or living together, that kind of thing would only become much more painful and lead to a lot of misery.

 

[Cali Cat]

It's certainly up to you, but like Ste11aeres, I couldn't be with someone like that either. Counseling sounds like a good idea if you two really want to work on the relationship. However, and I don't mean to be harsh, but if things are this bad at the beginning of the relationship, I don't know what to think of the future. Usually, people (even Aspies) tend to be on their best behavior at the start of an affair. That concerns me. Honestly, with his temper, it also concerns me that he has a pet. I hope he's not prone to any violent behavior if the kitten were to upset him in some way. I hope it's just people he explodes at.

Actually, you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat their pets. If he's good and patient with the kitten, then he might be worth keeping after all.

 

[Vanilla]

A counsellor can help, but be sure they are a specialist, who understands the nature of AS.

I recommend also looking at a few of our books:
Resources | AspiesCentral.com

This website may prove helpful too:
Different Together Community For Partners of People Affected by Asperger Syndrome

 

[Peace]

All things worth having are worth working for. That is why he started seeing you. He desired something and choose to do the work to achieve it.
His temper is something that he can learn to overcome. I know because I did it myself. It took many years, but i figured out a way.
It sounds as though your statements or questions are beyond his logic. We are most different, more than we can usually relay in words. Especially because we often do not know ourselves. Not knowing leads to intense frustration which we often display (although inappropriately) as a meltdown or outburst.
There is hope and there is help. It will require sacrifice on both of your parts. Yours will be patience and learning the difference between what he likes and what he detests. His will be learning about your like and dislikes, and working on his reactions toward you.
Also, May Black's beautifully spoken look into the mind of us is a chance to see how different our perceptions are and how much work you may be in for. That is all outside of the temper issue. Not all meltdowns result in losing ones temper. Some are crying, some are shutting down, needing isolation, depression and so on.
Good Luck

 

[Hedgehog Instigator]

Hi! I am so glad to have found this discussion board. I am a Rehabilitation Counselor and work with individuals with Aspergers Syndrome near daily. However, I have never dated one before and I am learning it's a whole different world. I am very attracted to him, we are in our Midtwenties, and I can tell he is attracted to me too. He hasn't ever really learned about his Aspergers until recently and hasn't dated for over 4 years. His major relationships ended badly. My last relationship also ended badly and I now know I developed some insecurities from it.

I have a strong personality and stand up for myself. The guy I am seeing has an explosive temper. I have called him on it and he says he doesn't know why he explodes with me, he says he hasn't done that with anybody else. We almost called things off yesterday because we started to have almost daily conflict. The weirdest things really irritate him. He got a kitten this week and I asked him what the kittens personality was like and he WENT OFF saying a kitten doesn't have a personality and doesn't get why I asked that question. Things like that. I rely like him but I can't handle this if he keeps exploding. I am now seeing yesterday as a come to Jesus moment and realize that a lot of chit chat doesn't work well with him but we are just getting to know each other so I'm not sure what to do.

How do I reconcile my need not to feel emotionally abused with his explosive word vomit sometimes and how he interprets some of my questions like above? I want this to work and think it can but he doesn't accommodate my insecurities. When I told him I'm trying to accommodate his needs, he should accommodate mine, that's when he states that he wondered if this is too much work. Neither of us have had this rocky of a start to dating. We aren't "committed" but we are interested in only each other.

Help!

With my guy sometimes I have to explain to him how his actions make me feel, but he just gets more mad. Try this tell him the solution not the problem. If I tell my guy "I will be more happy if he does _____ ", it's a rule in his book of functioning.

Sometimes he has to remind me I'm not polite in public, and I have to tell him how to treat someone to let them know you care.

 

[AdamR]

...I'd probably recommend you to stick to topics that you're both interested in. ...

May Black, I loved so much of what you wrote in your post, but I'm not with you on this bit. Nobody should go into a relationship having to choose their topics so carefully. Better to work out the best way to approach every topic as it comes up than to make any topic a no-go, unless it's something extremely personal. Particularly since it sounds like her "avoid" list would be rather long.

...I'm not sure he knows what you mean with accommodating your needs. Again, it's way too abstract. ...

This I wholeheartedly agree with. I had to learn very quickly with John that when I ask him for something psycho-social in nature, I must be explicit and then ready for puzzlement and/or questioning after. He's almost frighteningly bright, but he does have a mind-blindness about subtle/complex feelings, sometimes even his own. He can become defencive at times because he's upset that he doesn't understand me. I've learned not to take it personally.

Aspie Gf, you may find this extra thought and articulation is helpful to your own personal development. In learning to communicate with John, I've had to become much more self-aware and kick some bad habits like passive-aggressive and sarcastic speech. Learning to say what I mean has made me more confident and clear in all kinds of situations. It's harder to do than one might think, but it's rewarding well beyond our relationship.

It's certainly up to you, but like Ste11aeres, I couldn't be with someone like that either. Counseling sounds like a good idea if you two really want to work on the relationship. However, and I don't mean to be harsh, but if things are this bad at the beginning of the relationship, I don't know what to think of the future. Usually, people (even Aspies) tend to be on their best behavior at the start of an affair. That concerns me...

This occurs to me, too.

This will probably sound like a lecture, but Aspie Gf--you're a counsellor. Is this something you feel is healthy for you? You, yourself even used the words "emotionally abused" in your post. This may not go over well with some here, and if so I'm truly sorry, but I wouldn't accept explosions of temper from a partner, even if he does have AS. Especially this early on. Words make wounds and leave scars. Sounds like you may already know this from your prior relationship history. Your new partner may not be able to answer this well, but have you asked what he thinks went wrong in his other, failed pairings? You may find some clues as to what's going on and what to expect later. Then it's weighing time.

My apologies if this comes off like I'm wagging a finger at you. Please know I don't mean it to. What you've asked about here is concerning, though.

Actually, you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat their pets. If he's good and patient with the kitten, then he might be worth keeping after all.

Very good point, Cali Cat. 'Nuff said on that.

 

[Nadador]

Aspie Gf, can you elaborate on the nondescript "attraction" you describe? What is it about him that attracted you, and vice-versa? What substantive things do the two of you have in common? There's a lot of exploring to do early on in a relationship. It's when you have some of your best conversations. Of course you haven't descibed all of your interaction, just the rough parts you have questions about, but based on what you did share, it concerns me a bit that conversation is so difficult that it becomes volatile.

AdamR, who I should say is my own partner, is right, I think, that you should try to find out what went wrong in your new boyfriend's past relationships. There may well be a pattern. He may not recognise it and may not be able to articulate it very well, but talking about it might help him figure out what he may need to work on to make things go better with you. You may also learn that he does know what's gone wrong and is simply not making the necessary adjustments. You may find he blames everything on the other women, in which case that's a red flag. If you get into a bad spot talking about a kitten, this would no doubt be much more difficult terrain to navigate. But I think it needs doing for both your sakes. In front of a counsellor might be the best way since there are inherent communication gaps involved. You may also consider private counselling on your own, if I may be so bold. From what you shared of your previous relationship, you may have your own issues to work through that will make a relationship with as Aspie even more challenging. You may also have communication problems of your own.

Like Adam, I didn't respond well to reading that you feel emotionally abused. Relationship and family counselling may not be your speciality, but you must have training enough to know this isn't a good sign. But then I suppose that's why you've brought this here.

I wish you well, but I also advise that you go with your instincts over your attraction, please, on this. From what you've said it sounds like a very tenuous proposition for the longer term.

 

[Judge]

An explosive temper over relatively benign things? That would be a "deal-breaker" under any and all circumstances when it comes to a potential or existing relationship. I just don't see any "positives" ultimately outweighing that sort of "negative".

 

[May Black]

May Black, I loved so much of what you wrote in your post, but I'm not with you on this bit. Nobody should go into a relationship having to choose their topics so carefully. Better to work out the best way to approach every topic as it comes up than to make any topic a no-go, unless it's something extremely personal. Particularly since it sounds like her "avoid" list would be rather long.

I worded it really poorly, what I mean is it might be wise to start with safe topics and see how it goes. You can always stray from that once you feel you have the basic elements of the communication down. It's less probable that they'll misunderstand each other if they both know what they're talking about. I hope that makes sense.

 

[AdamR]

I worded it really poorly, what I mean is it might be wise to start with safe topics and see how it goes. You can always stray from that once you feel you have the basic elements of the communication down. It's less probable that they'll misunderstand each other if they both know what they're talking about. I hope that makes sense.

Ah, yes. That does make sense. I didn't mean to be adversarial. Good point.