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Difficulty Making Friends

M

Marycv

Well-Known Member
I would like to know if many aspies have difficulty to make friends? Are there places I can meet people in person. Do you find having people with disabilities is easier, because they understand more.

I am 39 years old, I have 3 friends. We hardly see each other, maybe once every 6 months. We mostly chat online. Only one of them has a learning disability. My other two friends don't understand my difficulties, and believe I am too naive of the outside world. Many times I feel lonely. I see people go hang out and have experiences. I never really had that.

I only have my parents and my dog. I mostly stay home. It is difficult to meet people. Since I have my challenges, many people don't understand. I say or do the wrong thing that isn't appropriate for my age or turns people off. I don't realize I do that.
 
I know I wrote in many posts I don't connect with society which is why I have no local friends. But after yesterday, I learn there a little more to it. I don't connect with people with my age group on their 30's or younger. I connect better with people on their 50's or older as people around that age is more mature. I explain why I learned this yesterday. I was at a busy restaurant and there was no free tables for a single person. They only have free tables for parties of 8 or more. This person on his 50's with his son asked if I want to share the table with him and I said yes. Anyhow, we had a great conversations. I think I did connect with him as he is mature and I never connected with immature people.

Anyhow, what I would want in a friendship may be very different for most people. I'm not going to say I have the answers because I don't. I had one person PM for advice for friendship but I was not able to give him much insight. The reason is I don't want to say the wrong thing and I get blamed. I left it for him to figure it out on his own but gave what little insight that I could.
 
My problem is maintaining friends, the ones that know me also know I will never call them or seek a meet up, and they know that is because I never think of doing so. Therefore they make the occasional running and they seem fine with that. I've always been happy on my own and it never occurs to me that someone might want to share some time unless they ask. One friend pointed out that although they had known me for ten years we had only actually met up four times, i pointed out that I thought that was excessive and we should curb our enthusiasm ;)
 
I wrote some ideas here: https://www.aspiescentral.com/threads/depression-social-isolation.10944/#post-194544

I don't have any close in-person friends, but just the kind where you see them once or twice a year, if even that.

I don't know how to maintain friendships without external structure. That is why I like classes -- you see the same people at specific times. Occasionally, you can have lunch or a beverage with people you connect with. It isn't confusing that way. I'm hoping to go back to school for that reason.
 
Oh how I know that feeling well! I guess I too have just 3 friends, but one of them, is my husband, even though he is a very much an nt, he has coped with me for many years and thus, has to be counted as a friend! My other friend is also an aspie, but we only discovered that this year and it clicked to why we get on so well. We talk mostly online, but did spend the week with her and it was awful lol She was in her comfort zone and I wasn't and I am afraid, she played on that; but if I am admitting it, I would too! My other friend is an nt but she has proved her weight with me and so, I do count her as a friend.

My issue is that someone smiles and is very friendly with me, I assume they want to be my friend, but actually, I am now realising they are just being nice to me and it is after that ie the first meeting, which determins a friendship or not and mostly for me, it never becomes friends status.

I am a lot better these days with speaking to my own sex, but I shall never be good at making friends, but that is ok for me, because too many would be too heavy going for me.

I am 45 and my face to face friend who is 50 says of me that I will always be the teenager and it is true, I do not act my age nor look it and actually, I am fine with that. My aspie friend is coming up to 20 this year and it is rather fascinating hearing about her crushes and how she is going all gooey lol Possibly it is easy because I missed out on being a teenager anyway!
 
It's difficult to meet people and I often wonder how people make friends at all - where do they meet them? Where can you go?. When I think about the people I've met over the years, it's been because I was sitting reading a book at the bus stop which interested the other person and they asked me my opinion of the book, students on the same course, or in a neighbouring room that I happened to click with, neighbours, and more recently, people I've met online on forums, etc. In nearly all cases it was the other person who initiated the contact. Very few of the friendships lasted any length of time because I'm hopeless at keeping in touch. I can put on a mask initially of being happy and friendly, but I can keep it up for only so long before mask falls, and I no longer match up to the other person's expectations. Sometimes I say things which people find odd and it puts them off. I find it hard to maintain conversations, it becomes strained and forced, and they notice this and lose interest. I think you have to click with someone from the beginning to become friends (as opposed to acquaintances), so that the conversation flows naturally and is not forced and strained.

If I were to try to find new friends now, I would probably try to find people online with similar interests and mindset to me, and arrange to meet up and socialise round activities rather than sittting and chatting, perhaps join a hiking club or do volunteer work - anyway, there needs to be some activity involved which provides a focus to the meeting or it won't work for me.
 
I don't have anyone and haven't for some time now. I'm starting a few activity clubs on campus if I can get permission to advertise so that I can at least try something... For now it's tabletop gaming (chess and RPGs) and writing that I'm looking at.

Finding people online only got me an online friend who didn't want to talk to me anymore after we met.
 
The problem I'm having is that although I don't have many or make many friends, I'm not too worried about it since I naturally make a few friends in every class with the people around me. I have a friend who I hang out with during breaks in college and she is always trying to forge friendships for me with MY classmates (not hers) and I feel like even if we mutually wanted to be friends, it's awkward now that she's gotten involved. For some reason she can't seem to fathom that someone can be alright with not knowing half of a class and only really associating with maybe 5 or 6 of them.
 
I have friends but rarely see most of them and it stays quite superficial. Except with one or two who I've known a very long time and who are used to my weird ways! My partner is my best friend and I think we'd be friends even if we weren't married, although they are so good with me because we've been together soon and that makes it easier to learn what each others needs are. I have some people I talk to online and they usually have Asperger's or ADHD or mental health problems, which seems to help with understanding each other and being able to chat. I wish I had more neuro-atypical friends in person - I feel like I might be able to maintain a friendship better then.
 
Marycv said:
I would like to know if many aspies have difficulty to make friends? Are there places I can meet people in person. Do you find having people with disabilities is easier, because they understand more.

I am 39 years old, I have 3 friends. We hardly see each other, maybe once every 6 months. We mostly chat online. Only one of them has a learning disability. My other two friends don't understand my difficulties, and believe I am too naive of the outside world. Many times I feel lonely. I see people go hang out and have experiences. I never really had that.

I only have my parents and my dog. I mostly stay home. It is difficult to meet people. Since I have my challenges, many people don't understand. I say or do the wrong thing that isn't appropriate for my age or turns people off. I don't realize I do that.
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I have difficulty making friends as like yourself I tend not to go out much. Also when I am in social situations I am quite withdrawn. On occasions when I do make friends my natural self doubt makes me feel like a bit of a burden to them so I wait for them to get back in touch and things usually peter out after a while. Meeting friends of friends is a problem as I don't really like being around too many people in social situations. All of this is just my social anxiety taking over and I am very aware of it but it is a rut I keep falling into.

I worked with adults with learning disabilities for years and find them the easiest people in the world to get on with as they are so non judgemental and pretty much what you see is what you get. They just accept people as they are and don't seem to see other people's 'faults'. I have the patience of a saint with them too as I suppose I can relate to them on some level. :)
 
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I always have trouble making friends. I have finally come to the conclusion that I am unable to cross to the private area. I don't touch people more than handshaking and I always keep a distance to give space so that is counterproductive. Plus, I can't talk or ask about someone's private life because that's what it is, private life and I have no jurisdiction there.
 
Etzelaire said:
I always have trouble making friends. I have finally come to the conclusion that I am unable to cross to the private area. I don't touch people more than handshaking and I always keep a distance to give space so that is counterproductive. Plus, I can't talk or ask about someone's private life because that's what it is, private life and I have no jurisdiction there.
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That's part of my issue. I really do not like being hugged or giving hugs (it feels weird to me) so when dealing with guys I shake their hand or "give dap", but with women I can be really attracted to them but not do anymore than wave at then.
 
Marycv I have always had trouble making friends. It was much harder when I was young (I am 47) and my family used to make fun of me because I didn't have friends. I have a couple of good friends now but we do not speak all the time. I need a lot of time alone and when I am social I get confused pretty easily. I think it may be odd to be with me but my friends seem understanding. We met through a common interest. There were many people involved in the activity but I only connected and made friends with a few. I think it will always be this way for me and sometimes I worry about what will happen when my friends pass away, if they do before I do. I cannot imagine making a new friend but maybe it is possible.
 
This thread reminded me that I need to get in touch with my new friend at work. Even NTs are bad about that. :confused:

Update: I just texted her. I guess we'll see.
 
Tia Maria said:
She's baaaack!!! Yay! And meow Grumpy Cat! :smilecat:
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Stop it. You're making me blush. :oops:

image.jpg
 
I'm new This is one of the main reasons I joined. I find making friends impossible. I can talk to people in a structured way like at the GP, shop, where I volunteer, but otherwise I really struggle. I've tried going to social activities, like a choir, but I just do the activity and don't socialise. I find physical contact such as hugs very hard. My only socialising in through my parents and I'm terrified what happens when they aren't around. I'm going to have a look at some of the tips on here.
I really want and need social contact, just don't know how to do it.
 
I recommend watching Jay's introduction video linked here. It's wonderful & he talks about his own struggles in making friends.

Hiya, I'm Jay The Aspie Linguist! | AspiesCentral.com

Jay also personally recommends reading Sean Cooper's "Shyness & Social Anxiety System Manual". I watched a video by this Cooper kid & would consider the $23. or so to purchase his manual to be worth the investment.

Sean Cooper, Author Of The Shyness And Social Anxiety System

Amazon.com: The Shyness and Social Anxiety System: Scientific Techniques To Eliminate Shyness or Social Anxiety, Build Conversation Skills and Make New Friends... (9781482504446): Sean Cooper: Books

Virtual hugs to anyone here who is lonely or sad. :tanabata:
 
SingaSong said:
I'm new This is one of the main reasons I joined. I find making friends impossible. I can talk to people in a structured way like at the GP, shop, where I volunteer, but otherwise I really struggle. I've tried going to social activities, like a choir, but I just do the activity and don't socialise. I find physical contact such as hugs very hard. My only socialising in through my parents and I'm terrified what happens when they aren't around. I'm going to have a look at some of the tips on here.
I really want and need social contact, just don't know how to do it.
Click to expand...

Hello, SingaSong, welcome to AC!

You'll find friends and practice here, and stories like yours. This real-life thing poses difficulties in some ways for all of us. One thing I've learned is that it's easy to learn the wrong things from the struggle, and a chance to compare notes with like-minded others can help with that. See you around the forum!

--A4H
 
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