Depressive/suicidal Aspies

[Judge]

It's why I try to live only one day at a time. So each day I can collect my thoughts, and just say to myself, "Not today".

 

[Laughingowl1975]

Music
Taking a long walk
Plotting to buy something special for myself
Window Shopping
Talking to someone about it (usually over the phone to one of those helplines)
Telling myself that its not my fault and things will get better somehow
Remembering the few happy times I had as a child
Playing violent Xbox games

 

[Laughingowl1975]

Music
Taking a long walk
Plotting to buy something special for myself
Window Shopping
Talking to someone about it (usually over the phone to one of those helplines)
Telling myself that its not my fault and things will get better somehow
Remembering the few happy times I had as a child
Playing violent Xbox games

...OOPS I don't know what happened here! My mistake sorry.

 

[tridianprime]

I have had some very bad depression issues in the past and I was first diagnosed at 14 when I tried to kill myself and planned to murder my parents. Thankfully, these come and go but in terms of dealing with it it really depends on the severity. It didn't help me seeking advice as they never really understood my thought process and the way I came through was actually getting so angry at people that it overcame my depression and made my focus overcoming the issues I had been left with (FYI, I had a very unhappy childhood for a number of reasons).

If its very bad, I believe it is really down to you to come through it and if you don't, without trying to be negative so I apologise in advance, then maybe there isn't any point and why not kill yourself. I am not opposed to he concept if life is more painful.

However, its important not to think this before you've given it your all.

 

[LoneHeart]

I too get that depressed suicidal feeling quite a bit, honestly the only reason I haven't done it is because of my parents. I know it would devastate them and the thought of them being old and alone without me makes me want to cry. I also agree with the others here that music is a great coping method, especially classical music, I love listening to Beethoven, Chopin, Debussey, etc to get my spirits up a bit. However, the biggest thing for me is working out in the gym. I am at my happiest when I am working out, it takes all the pain in my life away.

 

[Ereth]

I've battled depression for a long time, and I only found out about my autism fairly recently. I don't think it depresses me in particular---possibly because I've already spent a good chunk of my life coping with social difficulties and other things that I thought were just general teenage angst . . . plus the problems I had due to my cerebral palsy and feeling strange compared to everybody else.

When I feel depressed, I do things like hug my stuffed animals, watch funny and cute animal videos, and talk to friends. I also use video games as an emotional outlet. (Being able to don Batman's cape and cowl and go to town on a bunch of bad guys is quite therapeutic.)

 

[nowwhat]

My special interest. Music I love. Alone time. What's a real godsend on particularly bad days is if someone needs your help all of a sudden in a bad way and you really get to help them out. At least my wife has learned to just leave me alone when I'm obviously down and avoidant.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I've been reading over some of these posts and I didn't know that some of you are so depressed to think about killing yourself. It saddens me when anyone even considers that. I am glad, though, that some mention they don't do it because it would hurt other people. I actually have some experience in the suicide department. It's probably going to sound like I'm talking about something that didn't happen to me and happened to someone else because of the way I'm stating the facts, but it's because I have had to remove myself emotionally to cope. Anyway, my dad tried to kill himself by taking all of his medications and almost succeeded, but the phone rang and woke up my mom who went to answer the phone and found him in the kitchen. He was placed on a vent and almost didn't make it, but did. To this day, our relationship isn't even close to being what it was. He had never left a note and had taken the pills after a fight him and I had. He still has never apologized for what he put us through or even said why he did it. We're just supposed to carry on with life like it never happened, I guess, but it did. He still says that we should have let him die and has even held it over us as a threat that he would do it again. Why he does this, I have no idea (control I guess). I have distanced myself from him personally and emotionally so I'll be prepared in case he decides to do it again. I had to forgive him for my own sanity. Forgive me, but I have no patience for people who want to commit suicide. To me, it seems they are only thinking of themselves. I thought I'd tell my story so anyone thinking of suicide knows what it's like for the people left behind. For those who won't do it because of not wanting to hurt others - thank you.

 

[whatJimhasbecome]

Seriously...nothing helps. I just let myself think as crazy as I want. I'll put a pair of scissors near me because I don't want to fantasize about what it would be like to have a way out within arm's reach. I'd like to say that listening to music, playing guitar, window shopping, sex...but that's what I do when I enjoy life. It almost seems like I do those things to avoid any inkling of depression. I allow myself to entertain thoughts where everyone hates me, my girlfriend is sleeping around, life is pointless. Fighting it is stupid. When depression decides to fight, it wins every time.

That said, I would say that episodes tend to be less and less frequent.

 

[nowwhat]

I pray often for death though I'm too chicken to do it

Incredible how often I see myself in you folks here. Which is good cause I don't see anything that resembles me in the day-to-day.

 

[wyverary]

Forgive me, but I have no patience for people who want to commit suicide. To me, it seems they are only thinking of themselves. I thought I'd tell my story so anyone thinking of suicide knows what it's like for the people left behind. For those who won't do it because of not wanting to hurt others - thank you.

Reading your story, I completely understand your position. However, "having no patience" for someone who is genuinely suicidal is, I think, a form of selfishness in itself. Your dad sounds like he has some serious issues, control could be a part of it, and it may be beyond you to help or deal with it. However, compassion is VERY important to convey to someone who is genuinely suicidal. To someone who is suicidal (as I have been in the past), it isn't about selfishness--suicide seems, to them, like the most logical way to go, both to end their current pain and also to prevent future pain--pain which, to be perfectly honest, could be much worse than what their loved ones would suffer. In my case, anyway, this was my thought pattern. I wouldn't demean such a person by calling them "selfish."

 

[LikeyouToMe]

I think committing suicide is selfish in a way... However, depression and such which can leads to these thoughts tend to be selfish conditions themselves that change the mental state of sufferers. Those suffering are not themselves to an extent and are looking for a way for things to stop hurting and are not always able to think about others because they become so over whelmed with what they are going through.

I feel it's not the person who people should be angry at, it's the condition that we can't help.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I read what you said, Wyv, but to me I don't believe there is any reason for taking ones life except for an illness such as cancer or physical pain where a person cannot get pain relief. Everything else is "changeable" unless you can give me a situation that isn't? I have been on the depression end myself (depression runs in the family), but it does get better with time. I think it would be helpful if everyone could experience both sides of the coin. What I also think is that it might help people to see what others go through day to day (from my own experience - illnesses that are life threatening or chronic) and see how hard these people fight because they want to live. If someone can give me a good reason that taking ones life makes sense, I'd be more than happy to listen. Maybe, a good idea would be for the person who is thinking about suicide, ask the others involved in your life if it would be ok for them if you did it. That way, at least they would get some say in the matter.

 

[Judge]

I just don't see how projecting contempt, guilt or anger can be productive in the event someone you care about is contemplating suicide. When someone is that distraught, don't expect them to be able to rationalize on the same level that you can.

Projecting contempt, anger and guilt might actually compound things, inducing shame on top of it all. Enough for someone to kill themselves.

In such an emotional equation, there can only be positive things projected as opposed to anything negative. If one's moral perspective is otherwise, it's probably best to keep it to yourself when trying to reason with anyone contemplating their own demise.

 

[wyverary]

Please understand, Angela, that I was in no way saying there was a GOOD reason for committing suicide. But, it's as LYTM said - unlike physical ailments, depression is an illness that directly affects that kind of thought process and decision making. The depression itself needs to be treated—in a safe hospital environment if necessary. I've been actively suicidal in the past. Guilt tripping (which is what it sounds like you are doing—correct me if I'm wrong) has, invariably in my case, been counterproductive.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

It's me. What I'm saying is that someone who is thinking about suicide needs to ask for help. I'm not against getting people help if they're depressed. My experience with my dad is that we tried to get him help, but he won't even tell the therapist he is having a problem. At home, though, he keeps saying things to my mom about doing it again. I can only speak for myself and from seeing what my mom and brother have gone through. You reach a point that you just can't listen to it anymore. What it feels like is he is using it to manipulate and control us and I refuse to live my life like that - wondering is this the day he's going to do it if I say something wrong or look cross eyed at him or god forbid we get into another argument? So that is why I have distanced myself from him. I'm sure that he has other psychological problems, as well, as he has been put on antipsychotics and antidepressants. But that has been my experience with suicide. I'm not guilt tripping anyone, as I see it, I'm saying what my actual feelings are from my point of view as a person who experienced a suicide attempt of a close family member - shock, anger, depression and still no closure. So what I'm trying to do is protect myself from having to go through that again and staying away. That, for me, is the only way I can deal with it.

 

[wyverary]

It sounds like your dad has serious issues that go well beyond just depression. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do for someone who flat-out refuses to get help altogether. I wish the best for you in this lousy situation, Angie.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Thank you Wyv. I hope things are going better for you now, too. This subject is just hard for anyone to talk about, I guess.

 

[Judge]

So what I'm trying to do is protect myself from having to go through that again and staying away. That, for me, is the only way I can deal with it.

Sorry to hear this Angie, but it certainly sheds light on your point of view. Yes- under those circumstances at some point you do have to take care of yourself rather than get sucked down some emotional vortex of your father. I get that. I was a caregiver to my mother in her last four years. She had dementia and at times it could be pretty rough.

 

[Misfate]

I feel depressed at times as well, being apathetic and isolated, but I try to look at more positive aspects of my life, lest my "depression" develop into "suicidal thoughts." There are two factors pertaining to my affliction of happiness and, ergo, esteem: pain and coping resources. I have endured suicidal feelings in two ways: (1) reducing my pain, and (2) finding ways to increase my coping resources; both are possible.

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