Dealing with Frustration

[danxp]

my son has a great deal of difficulty dealing with frustration... whether it be with a person or an event... he just can't seem to cope in a non-embarrassing way... how can i help him?

if my wonderful boy is frustrated he typically has a meltdown and he'll either cry, mope or act out aggressively... for example, if a tablet doesn't respond to his input or is "laggy", he'll get really frustrated and get so upset that he'll either throw it or break it... if his "friend" acts out against him "unfairly" in a minecraft game, he'll explode on him and scream at him at the top of his lungs saying "you shouldn't have done that!"... if there's a situation at school where he doesn't think things are fair he may just cry...

is it expected that my child should "overreact" in such a way? how can i teach him to cope? is there a specialist/therapist that i can take him to?

thank you.

 

[Suzanne]

My husband would echo your words, because he has to deal with me behaving the EXACT same way as your son! I honestly cannot fathom how my mouse works for me for the amount of times I have smashed it down in sheer frustration because my computer is too slow!

The very best thing you can do for your son is WALK AWAY and just ignore him. It may seem cruel and others looking on may indeed think you a rotten father, but at the end of the day, your son cannot help it. I know because I HATE getting so angry and frustrated over silly things, but it is like a huge ball of red envelopes me and all I can do is beg my Creator ( a christian) to help calm me down. When my husband walks away, I actually do calm down; if he was to try and hug me or talk to me, it just makes me worse, so I am sure that is with your son.

I cannot say it is a static aspie trait, but do know that many of us suffer awful anger issues, when it comes to getting frustrated over things.

 

[Full Steam]

I agree 100%. I just need time alone, and often not much is needed. Touching me or trying to talk to me will make it worse.

My daughter (5 years) does this too and we've taught her to go off by herself. She's normally back in 5 minutes as if it never happened .

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I saw a video on people on the spectrum having a tenancy to catastrophise, this might help a little.

 

[danxp]

can i ask, has it gotten better over the years? i do see a slight improvement in the frequency of the outbursts but the severity remains the same... i have learned that getting angry at him in the moment is counterproductive so i try to talk to him as calmly as possible now... but the problem is the damage was already done...

thank you all for your replies...

 

[OkRad]

I would very quickly develop a plan which includes professionals or friends or family, etc.....If your child is acting out, it may not be best to leave them in that state. Depending on how bad it is, of course.

Some meltdowns can result in very scary emotions and loss of control. And oh, the guilt afterwards is just as bad.

In the US, they have Mobile Teams in some places. Now, the trouble with mobile units in the US is that our health care is commercial and based on capitalism. That means if your child may NOT need to be in a place overnight, they may place him there if he has the right insurance. And ignore him if not.

The judgments of treatment in health care in the US is based on insurance. Even cancer patients live or die based on their insurance (new report out).

THat said, it would be best to have a family member or friend or priest or SOMEONE who knows you and your child and who could come over if needed.

Cops? Hmmmm. Not sure. Several autistic people have been killed by cops when they were in meltdown.

 

[Warmheart]

Hi there! I have a low frustration threshold, too.

Try the book "Managing Meltdiwns." Amazon has it.

Finding an ASD specialist can help.

OT can make a big difference in our ability to handle
frustrations. An occupational therapist must specialize in sensory processing disorder, and design a sensory diet-- a regular program of activity. Access to a sensory room by the OT is key.

Best of luck to you and your dear son!

 

[Alcyon]

I saw a video on people on the spectrum having a tenancy to catastrophise, this might help a little.

This really is a good video; worth watching.

danxp , in that Asperger's didn't exist as a diagnosis when I was growing up, my parents had to wing it; all in all, I think they did a pretty good job.

According to both myself and a psychiatrist I saw for awhile not long ago, one of the best things my parents did for me is that they held me accountable for my actions. If I broke something, either I replaced it or I did without. If I spoke harshly, to be expected in a tantrum, I had to apologise. Fortunately, the rules and guidelines were pretty clear and well-explained, always a good thing for someone on the spectrum.

There certainly is so much more information and assistance available now, I hope you can access some portion of it.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

can i ask, has it gotten better over the years?

I think most of have problems controlling emotions do handle it better as they get older. They learn there are consequences to their actions, if they smash their device like a tablet then they know they won't be able to use it again and it's an expensive thing to replace.

 

[Maria6681]

my son has a great deal of difficulty dealing with frustration... whether it be with a person or an event... he just can't seem to cope in a non-embarrassing way... how can i help him?

if my wonderful boy is frustrated he typically has a meltdown and he'll either cry, mope or act out aggressively... for example, if a tablet doesn't respond to his input or is "laggy", he'll get really frustrated and get so upset that he'll either throw it or break it... if his "friend" acts out against him "unfairly" in a minecraft game, he'll explode on him and scream at him at the top of his lungs saying "you shouldn't have done that!"... if there's a situation at school where he doesn't think things are fair he may just cry...

is it expected that my child should "overreact" in such a way? how can i teach him to cope? is there a specialist/therapist that i can take him to?

thank you.

My son used to be little like that the smells things could send him in to meltdown he would smushs up the house and at times could be dangerous to himself. He could not handl school he would get send home. His behaviour was getting worse and could not control himself he got referred to cams I find out he had ADHD and autism they put him on some meds. They have help him he dose not get angry as quickly anymore he not as impulsive as he used to be. Now he only has meltdown every now and then. So I know it can be hard and draining and frustrating for you at times I hope things get better for you and your son

 

[toothless]

my son has a great deal of difficulty dealing with frustration... whether it be with a person or an event... he just can't seem to cope in a non-embarrassing way... how can i help him?

if my wonderful boy is frustrated he typically has a meltdown and he'll either cry, mope or act out aggressively... for example, if a tablet doesn't respond to his input or is "laggy", he'll get really frustrated and get so upset that he'll either throw it or break it... if his "friend" acts out against him "unfairly" in a minecraft game, he'll explode on him and scream at him at the top of his lungs saying "you shouldn't have done that!"... if there's a situation at school where he doesn't think things are fair he may just cry...

is it expected that my child should "overreact" in such a way? how can i teach him to cope? is there a specialist/therapist that i can take him to?

thank you.

i dont call it over acting,his mind is being physically represented by difficult to view behaviors because he cant cope,its how he feels inside, to me,overacting is a very unfair way of saying someone is being dramatic,but for the autistic person its a bunch of very difficult feelings to cope with,the autist may not have the emotional capacity to process and understand what he is feeling, he also may not have self awareness to know how he and his behaviors appears to others,some of us never lose this and i see it as a gift as it means you can also have positive thinking or behaviors in front of people such as saying you love someone-some autists would be uncomfortable with that,im not.
he also sounds like he doesnt have social understanding which isnt surprising.

with time and life experience,he will find it easier to process and show his emotions and if he becomes socially aware which is highly likely given he is aspie; he may alter how he appears to others.

its very common for people on the spectrum to have 'challenging behaviors' whether theyre high functioning or low functioning,you just have to support your son to regulate his emotions better-give him space when he flips out and discuss it after in a sympathetic way rather than confrontational as that never works for us-he could really benefit from 'social stories' designed for autistic teens/adults.
i am LFA and have a social rules book designed for LFA-its helped me to understand functional and social stuff a lot more than i used to know,or i should say i did have it it got lost when i moved into my current apartment.

 

[LittleLemon]

I'm agreeing with just walking away. So far for my daughter, It is the only thing that works for frustration. The times it doesn't work (like when she had sensory overload), I am at a loss and I'm frozen too because she's screaming for me at the same time she's frustrated. I've made an appointment to see a counselor at the autism clinic here who specializes in this stuff because it's getting worse here (my daughter is almost 7). I have heard from my daughter's OT that they do mature eventually and it gets better.

 

[Suzanne]

can i ask, has it gotten better over the years? i do see a slight improvement in the frequency of the outbursts but the severity remains the same... i have learned that getting angry at him in the moment is counterproductive so i try to talk to him as calmly as possible now... but the problem is the damage was already done...

thank you all for your replies...

Not necessarily damage has already been done. You can start of now, to just ignore him; don't say a single word and let him come out of it himself.

What happens is self awareness occurs and so, as he realises that it doesn't make him feel very good, then he will start learning to control his emotions.

Despite my rage, there was only one time that I recal when I caused damage and that was when my age was around 5 or 6 and I got in such a rage that I actually punched a door and caused a hole in it! But from that point, the only thing that has suffered is my poor mouse lol

As one grows older, they do see that it is not an exceptable way to react and so, will try to calm down naturally.

My rages do not last for more than 20 mins at the most and I never throw anything nor hit; just goes within and my voice is loud and sadly, sometimes do resort to swearing, which I hate anyway.