Dating: How can I get a girlfriend?

[Forest Cat]

Have others shown an interest in you?
It's pretty easy to connect with others online from apps or social media, etc. But then when they want to actually "meet," I lose interest because none of them really seem that intriguing or attractive to me. I'm not excited about meeting any of them. On the other hand, it seems like I fumble every time I actually do encounter someone I want to meet. What's your experience been like?

I was writing a reply but I don't want to derail Markness thread. It's just difficult to start over. I think it's like that for many people.

 

[Markness]

This loneliness is too much.

 

[foliodoe]

This loneliness is too much.

There are other ways to alleviate loneliness than romantic or sexual relationships, right? Friends, family, or pets are all good options too!

 

[Markness]

There are other ways to alleviate loneliness than romantic or sexual relationships, right? Friends, family, or pets are all good options too!

My friends aren’t always available, my family have their own lives, and sometimes pets don’t want to play.

 

[foliodoe]

My friends aren’t always available, my family have their own lives, and sometimes pets don’t want to play.

But even inside of a romantic relationship, that person isn't always available or in the same mood as you. Loneliness is a fundamental and universal human experience. I'm not downplaying your feelings, but reminding you sympathetically that everyone experiences loneliness, even someone happily married with a huge family and more friends than they can count.

 

[Hazel_1914]

My friends aren’t always available, my family have their own lives, and sometimes pets don’t want to play.

That could be written almost by a little child beginning to get a handle on the world. It's kind of profound.
Sometimes this kind of realization is like a starting-over point.

But even inside of a romantic relationship, that person isn't always available or in the same mood as you. Loneliness is a fundamental and universal human experience. I'm not downplaying your feelings, but reminding you sympathetically that everyone experiences loneliness, even someone happily married with a huge family and more friends than they can count.

This is genuinely true as well, and also profound. I think if anything, being in a relationship is more challenging than not being in one! (Not that that's a bad thing. Anything worth having or doing is worth the effort, and the learning.)

Loneliness has to have some kind of value to it. I think if we can allow it to do its work, that can help shred off selfishness, converting it to self-respect the way cardio burns fat and builds strength.

 

[Markness]

But even inside of a romantic relationship, that person isn't always available or in the same mood as you. Loneliness is a fundamental and universal human experience. I'm not downplaying your feelings, but reminding you sympathetically that everyone experiences loneliness, even someone happily married with a huge family and more friends than they can count.

I realize that can happen. My siblings clash with their spouses but when they are happy together, it’s like what they go through is worth it.

I don’t know how else to put this but when my siblings get with their spouses and go on fun events together, I feel very put out. I don’t go along even if they invite me. Fortunately, they don’t pressure me to go on the annual family beach trips anymore. That’s also because the last time I did it, I had to go along with my mother and it was extremely stressful.

 

[paloftoon]

My friends aren’t always available, my family have their own lives, and sometimes pets don’t want to play.

Look for more friends to make then. Try www.meetup.com. Look for activities to sign up for. Not everyone can be free.
What kind of job do you have? Look for work or more work maybe.
Look for conventions to volunteer at. The benefits can be fun to enjoy and helping out a nerd fandom can be joyous too. Or any type of community service maybe.

 

[Markness]

That could be written almost by a little child beginning to get a handle on the world. It's kind of profound.
Sometimes this kind of realization is like a starting-over point.

I can’t seem to actually reach the starting-over point.

 

[Luca]

I can’t seem to actually reach the starting-over point.

Starting over when life has dealt you a bad hand is hard but often necessary.
I had a horrific, traumatic childhood that I would never wish on anyone but I have mostly moved past it, and I’ve started my life over with a clean slate. I am now experiencing things I wish I did as a child, and I don’t care if people think I’m immature or blindly optimistic because I’m living my life to the fullest.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

As a side question to this entire post...is there specifically just a dating site specifically for the neurodiverse? I feel like such a thing would be really, really useful.

 

[tree]

I can’t seem to actually reach the starting-over point.

Isn't every day a new day?

But it looks like you're saying you find it difficult to attain a fresh state of mind.

...is there specifically just a dating site specifically for the neurodiverse? I feel like such a thing would be really, really useful.

Yes.
Some results occur if you do a search.

I don't want to name any since I've never used them and
wouldn't want the mention to be assumed an endorsement
or recommendation.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Yes.
Some results occur if you do a search.

I don't want to name any since I've never used them and
wouldn't want the mention to be assumed an endorsement
or recommendation.

Hmm I see! Interesting.

 

[Vindiesel]

I am 33 years old, I work part time, I still live with my mother for a myriad of reasons, I’ve graduated high school with only some college as extra education but I don’t have a degree, and I am generally socially isolated because most of the socialization that happens in my area is at bars. I am really just tired of going to my room alone after a daily slog and not have someone to be there for me as well as I for her.

I’ve tried different avenues to break out of my rut but they don’t ever succeed for me. I fear that I’ve either fallen too far behind socially to even get a coffee date or that there is a cutoff age to dating and I had it happen to me a long time ago.

Just how can I get a date despite my situation if it’s still possible?

1st and foremost if your not thriving, flourishing, improving independently there is no reason to bring someone in your life on an intimate level. The whole point of a relationship to me is two independent people come together to building companionship, reciprocity of benefits, help each other with weaknesses or traits that could be improved, share experiences and obviously deeply embedded trust.

Its all about the dating apps....approaching strangers in public and striking up conversations in a sober environment is seen as creepy, off-putting and borderline predatory. Non-sober environment typically you will not find quality if that is all that person does.

In setting up an account unfortunately less is better in revealing traits about yourself and what your looking for. Put a few pics....tell a little about yourself that appears enticing to conjure up additional questions on their part and also in short put what you are looking for. Start there. People have very short attention spans (hence their swiping) and most are choosing strictly by looks....if they are interested they will then decide to read. Its a present day meat market.

Do not date people at work or in close friend circles because when if it ends you will be stuck with additional drama.

Navigating the dating world now is extremely difficult and frustrating because with the increase of people to skim over the "list" of checked boxes they want out of a person.... the person doesn't even exist.

Also even if you think the persons looks/personality wont jibe with yours still go out with them just to build up social skills. (i know that seems manipulative and shallow but a date is a date)


Any other tips you need let me know...Im no guru or the modern day "hitch" but I have been on plenty of dates and have learned a lot.

 

[Kayla55]

If you looking for a long term relationship then pubs isn't route. Best is to meet someone at gym, tennis, hiking or church hike.
I want you to know there too many pushy men out there, and many of us women prefer a good conversation, a quiet table in not so busy restaurant, a nice decent guy. Some of us aspies still appreciate honesty, genuine person, even if he's a little nervous I am I tested in content of what he has to say.
Plenty of selfish men out there who care less so I'm sure you overstressed.

For a less materialistic girl I don't think it's about work unless you bringing up having children. I think shared passions and interests are best and maybe you still destined to do something amazing so never believe that anything is a permanent state.
I do like chocolate, just 1 glass red wine, surprises and romance will get you a better suited girl.

 

[Kayla55]

Dating site to me is offish, if it's cause want to meet someone who's also on spectrum, that makes sense. Dating NT for me was a bad decision.

 

[Kayla55]

Self-confidence means trusting in your own judgment, capacities and abilities. [1] It's about valuing yourself and feeling worthy, regardless of any imperfections or what others may believe about you.

Self-efficacy and self-esteem are often used interchangeably with self-confidence. But they are subtly different.

We gain a sense of self-efficacy when we see ourselves mastering skills and achieving goals. This encourages us to believe that, if we learn and work hard in a particular area, we'll succeed. [2] It's this type of confidence that leads people to accept difficult challenges and keep going in the face of setbacks.

Self-esteem is a more general sense that we can cope with what's going on in our lives, and that we have a right to be happy.

Also, self-esteem comes, in part, from the feeling that the people around us approve of us. We may or may not be able to control this, and if we experience a lot of criticism or rejection from others, our self-esteem can easily suffer unless we support it in other ways.

Self confidence is often based on appearance, some men confuse efficiency and esteem and when date outside spectrum it's a different ball game.
I'm curious if needs of those on spectrum match and attract....

 

[Kayla55]

There is no amount of thinking our way out a problem that requires doing.

Women require physical and emotional security. The need to know they’re relatively safe with you and absolutely safe from you. They need to know that even if you disagree, you will listen and take their counsel seriously.

They can deal with many faults, but not having those as traits, are generally deal breakers for most women because they have all manner of men throwing themselves at them all the time and they can sniff it out relatively quickly. Make those a part of you, and women will find you.

Which women require this? NT. I pride myself on my ability to look after myself. I don't appreciate having my intelligence insulted, I tended to prefer living alone and dating (space)
Before the digital age, I had old camera totally manual. Of course I know how to set apertures and shutters.....I was creating effects on negatives. No, this is an example of how I don't need help and protection from my so called stupidity. What I need is a guy with creative soul!!


I'm not sure down in thread about some army service thing....and why it's relevant to dating.
If you believe this uniform creates your sex life thatd your opinion, I'm not a neanderthol and primitive reasons to devalue or suppress women. I'm sorry some do national service and suppose others create things exist in world. I don't like soldiers cause macho thing, prefer other qualities.
One size doesn't fit all in society whether it dictates your typical social abilities, your sex drive or that all women are created as stupid and helpless.

 

[Markness]

Isn't every day a new day?

But it looks like you're saying you find it difficult to attain a fresh state of mind.

I do because I tend to wake up with the same worries every day.

 

[tree]

I do because I tend to wake up with the same worries every day.

Yes, you do appear to be maintaining the same thoughts,
repeatedly.

I can’t seem to actually reach the starting-over point.

Holding on to the ideas that harm you is like
holding on to an anchor while expecting to
float to the surface.