Dating Corner

[Steelbookcollector217]

Oh ok. I get that. But I try not to worry about things like that. I only really concern myself with my own issues and my own concerns. I figure everyone is running their own race and has their own end goals in mine.

My biggest (and really only) goal in life is to be in a relationship. I have no clue how many other people are like me. I do not worry about what other people say or do ever.

I only know I am looking for a relationship. I am also always happy to chat and talk to whomever about my desire to be in a relationship someday.

yeah hearing about certain cases or stories were both depressing and also angry and resentful to hear and read about at the same time, since me and lots of people have the mindset/mentality, that, odds are, if they were born a woman, odds are or less likely they would not have been single that long, and i get more pissed off when people make follow up statements saying "Life isn't fair man".

My follow up response is, thank you for stating the obvious.

 

[Brian39WV]

yeah hearing about certain cases or stories were both depressing and also angry and resentful to hear and read about at the same time, since me and lots of people have the mindset/mentality, that, odds are, if they were born a woman, odds are or less likely they would not have been single that long, and i get more pissed off when people make follow up statements saying "Life isn't fair man".

My follow up response is, thank you for stating the obvious.

I am going to ignore you going forward.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

I am going to ignore you going forward.

well you are entitled to your actions

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

guys, men, on the autism spectrum have a high rate of reaching later 20s and 30 plus without ever having dated or never been in a relationship before or still a virgin or don't get into their first relationship or have sex for the first time until that age range,

I hear ya. I have had to work to understand my existential loneliness from that part of my life when I never knew I was autistic. There are some positives about what happened to me. Not understanding the social, I had no grounding in a society that I could not understand, especially with teen and young adult peers when performative confidence was valued. To feel safe I needed to use what I understood of ethics to create my own values and internal compass as a place to stand among people I did not feel emotionally safe with. Of course, however positive that was to my development, positive values and being steadfast and respectful was never seen until people were more mature. I was a virgin until 28 when I finally felt safe, seen, and accepted by my future spouse, who was experienced. Given both our histories I may not have had the initiation into sex that I naively imagined, but I got something transcendental, I gave a woman her first experience at being sexually valued. That is more than enough for me to make the previous loneliness feel like a speed bump and not a barrier.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

I hear ya. I have had to work to understand my existential loneliness from that part of my life when I never knew I was autistic. There are some positives about what happened to me. Not understanding the social, I had no grounding in a society that I could not understand, especially with teen and young adult peers when performative confidence was valued. To feel safe I needed to use what I understood of ethics to create my own values and internal compass as a place to stand among people I did not feel emotionally safe with. Of course, however positive that was to my development, positive values and being steadfast and respectful was never seen until people were more mature. I was a virgin until 28 when I finally felt safe, seen, and accepted by my future spouse, who was experienced. Given both our histories I may not have had the initiation into sex that I naively imagined, but I got something transcendental, I gave a woman her first experience at being sexually valued. That is more than enough for me to make the previous loneliness feel like a speed bump and not a barrier.

how did you meet your spouse? yeah, just another reminder, even though i know its pointless to get angry at things that are beyond our control, i just get very pissed off whenever people think men have the better end of the stick even when it comes to dating.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

how did you meet your spouse? yeah, just another reminder, even though i know its pointless to get angry at things that are beyond our control, i just get very pissed off whenever people think men have the better end of the stick even when it comes to dating.

Dating is hard for everybody, just in different ways. I get the anger, truly—but I’ve come to think that the idea that one gender “has it easier” misses something important.

I was always drawn to shy, quiet girls and women. But I was far too anxious about rejection to approach them. Much later, I realized something painful and ironic: many of those women value sensitive, thoughtful, even quirky men—the very men who are least likely to approach them. As a result, they often get attention from people who are performatively confident but not actually their type. That doesn’t look like “having it easy” from where I stand.

As for how I met my spouse: we both signed up for a trail maintenance trip—pretty hardcore outdoor work. She was listed on the roster as wanting to share a ride. Because the interaction was purely transactional—a long drive and some company—I felt no anxiety about reaching out. There were no dating expectations attached.

The trip itself was very experiential. Over time, what mattered most was that I felt seen and accepted by her. That sense of existential recognition was something I hadn’t experienced before, and it changed everything for me.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Dating is hard for everybody, just in different ways. I get the anger, truly—but I’ve come to think that the idea that one gender “has it easier” misses something important.

I was always drawn to shy, quiet girls and women. But I was far too anxious about rejection to approach them. Much later, I realized something painful and ironic: many of those women value sensitive, thoughtful, even quirky men—the very men who are least likely to approach them. As a result, they often get attention from people who are performatively confident but not actually their type. That doesn’t look like “having it easy” from where I stand.

As for how I met my spouse: we both signed up for a trail maintenance trip—pretty hardcore outdoor work. She was listed on the roster as wanting to share a ride. Because the interaction was purely transactional—a long drive and some company—I felt no anxiety about reaching out. There were no dating expectations attached.

The trip itself was very experiential. Over time, what mattered most was that I felt seen and accepted by her. That sense of existential recognition was something I hadn’t experienced before, and it changed everything for me.

i like to think, i know i'm in good company for having this mentality, the only difficult part about dating for women is concern for their safety, many people elsewhere will agree that men have it much harder, and i'm sure with youre wife, you were the one that asked her out and hit on her, courted her.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I don’t want to dispute your feelings at all. I really don’t. I just want to offer a different way of being that I didn’t know was possible for a long time.

What happened with my spouse wasn’t male-dominated courting. It wasn’t me confidently asking her out or “hitting on” her. It was a slow, mutual dance between two people who felt safe together.

By the time we became intimate, we had already shared a lot—experiences, problem-solving, long conversations. I felt seen and accepted in a way I never had before. One night, while camping and realizing we couldn’t afford two sites, she smiled and suggested sharing my tent. I understood the invitation, but even then, I was still a shy, inexperienced virgin.

When I finally asked—very carefully—if she wanted to make love, my mind immediately panicked. I nearly talked myself out of it, assuming rejection. She looked me in the eyes and patiently helped me understand that we weren’t losing a friendship—we were deepening it.

She had been hurt badly in her first marriage and hadn’t felt desired. I hadn’t felt chosen. What formed between us wasn’t about confidence or conquest. It was mutual recognition.

I’m not saying this is how it always works—but it’s a real alternative to the idea that men must always perform, pursue, and lead for something meaningful to happen.

 

[the_tortoise]

the only difficult part about dating for women is concern for their safety

This is a concern for men also. Both for gay/non-hetero men and straight men -- especially those of us who are very socially oblivious.

It may not be common knowledge, it may happen less often to men**, but dating/intimate partner violence and sexual violence does happen to people who are not female and so safety is an issue for everyone.

Men (and nonbinary people) are sexually harrassed, sexually abused and assaulted too -- and can experience other forms of dating/partner violence including emotional and physical abuse-- this includes straight cis-gender men, and all types of sexual and relationship/dating violence are sometimes perpetrated by women. It's a fact.

The Hidden Epidemic of Men Who Are Raped by Women - Tautoko Tāne Male Survivors Aotearoa

Male Sexual Victimization by Women: Incidence Rates, Mental Health, and Conformity to Gender Norms in a Sample of British Men - Archives of Sexual Behavior

Support for Men Healing from Sexual Abuse | 1in6

1in6 | Sexual Abuse of Boys & Men - Confidential Support

https://www.humanservices.alberta.ca/documents/PFVB1100-men-abused-by-women-booklet.pdf

Dating and relationships can be difficult and complicated for anyone -- even if the difficulties faced vary from one person or group to another based on all kinds of personal characteristics, and gender is just one of those characteristics.

(** jury is out on that - bias and stigma affect reporting of victimization in dating and relationships, but I can believe it happens less often to men than women for a few reasons... regardless, underreporting is likely to make dating violence and sexual harrassment, abuse, and assault of males (especially by female perpetrators) look way more rare than it actually is)

 

[FeatherBird]

guys, men, on the autism spectrum have a high rate of reaching later 20s and 30 plus without ever having dated or never been in a relationship before or still a virgin or don't get into their first relationship or have sex for the first time until that age range, like i mentioned or 30 plus or older, it just comes with the territory it seems, yes it no doubt happens to lots of men who are NOT on the spectrum either, but the autism spectrum just exasperates the situation more.

I even read this somewhere, it sounds valid and spot on to me:

"If you look at the stats of how many men are childless compared to how many women are childless, it's just a little peek into how many men not only end up alone & childless, (since keeping track stats-wise of how many people have children is easy to keep track of due to government stats) but how many men have never even touched a woman in a 'intimate' way.

Believe it or not, the invention of marriage helped to even it out to where most men were able to have a woman & a family. Now that women are able to support themselves financially & no longer really need a man to ensure their survival, it's really lessened men's chances of having a woman & family."

Yet our critics have the audacity to call us entitled (or accuse you of playing a contest of which gender has it worse) for merely pointing out the facts you've pointed out.

Umm, no, pointing out that autistic men are disproportionately likely to reach a certain age without ever being in a relationship doesn't make you entitled, nor does it mean you're playing a contest. All you're doing is speaking the truth (a truth many don't like hearing, yet a truth nonetheless)

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Yet our critics have the audacity to call us entitled (or accuse you of playing a contest of which gender has it worse) for merely pointing out the facts you've pointed out.

Umm, no, pointing out that autistic men are disproportionately likely to reach a certain age without ever being in a relationship doesn't make you entitled, nor does it mean you're playing a contest. All you're doing is speaking the truth (a truth many don't like hearing, yet a truth nonetheless)

yup and as normal, men don't get as much sympathy and empathy as women do for their loneliness and struggles, pains.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

i had to bring that up, because, the suicide rate has long been male dominated, that speaks volumes, and i'm re-iterating that, because i lost someone i had known since my teenage years to suicide back on July 2nd, i attended his funeral.