Both me and my boyfriend are in our mid forties. I meet him 3 years ago. When we first met he 'masked' his behavior and I thought he was just a nerdy NT type. I saw some small unusual behavior but nothing that made me think to hard about his actions. I've dated a lot when I was younger so I have enough knowledge with all types of men to know when something seem a bit off for a NT male.
Dating did progress into a relationship and I started picking up on more unusual behavior. I filed those incidents in the back of my head for later.
A year into the relationship he moves in with me for economic reasons. I was trying to help him out because he lost his job due to personality conflicts with his program director at the University. He's a college professor. He was very hesitant about moving in with me and really didn't want to do it but had no choice until he could secure another teaching position. Once he moved in I started seeing lots of behavior that just seemed 'off' to me. So I started googling and that's when I saw descriptions of similar behavioral traits on-line from individuals who have AS.
I realize that though someone may have AS, every individual is unique so I was not looking for a running checklist, but I read enough to start having strong feelings that he may be on spectrum.
Here are some of the things I noticed.
-Dislikes having to interact with general population when he doesn't have to
-Only deals with his childhood long-time friends from HS and his neighborhood, people I assume are comfortable with him without needing to put on mask/act
-Told me he had to hide 'parts' of personality in a previous relationship and it made him miserable but he desperately wanted to stay in the relationship with this person, but felt long-term she probably would never be happy. She left him.
-Does not network or attempt to acquire or make new contacts/friendships
-Does not like crowds
-Super organized
-Very reclusive, can spends weeks in the house and venture out maybe twice for a haircut and food
-Somewhat rigid in day-to-day tasks and with his students
-When he had his own apartment he 'micro-managed' me in his place
-Not really tech savvy like some Aspies, he is the creative writer type, not the techie dude
-Needs to keep to a routine, does not do well with spontaneous things
-Write everything down in a little notebook and scribble over it when the task is completed.
-Needs to schedule our date night activity and/or if we go out of town days in advance, does not like surprises
-Obsessive sports fanatic all year round (football, basketball, baseball) to the point that it affects his mood and very invested. Real crazy.
-Is only open to modifying plans if he has at least 24 hours to readjust
-Insisted when he moved in with me that he has his own bedroom
-Keep his door closed most of the time while he is in the house 'because he is constantly
writing or working on research material' - is what I'm told but I feel it's like he 'needs' to protect a small space or sanctuary for himself in the house.
-Had to set aside a 'date night' twice a week for us to spend quality time together or else I'd be invisible to him. If I my attitude changes and I stop trying to reach out to him, he gets the point that I might be feeling neglected and will schedule a night out.
-Somewhat emotionally distant, he has to try hard to meet my needs, does not come natural at all, but he does try
-Does not like a lot of touching when we are laying on the couch watching a movie or in bed (could be sensory issues)
-I can touch him in certain places at times but not a lot of rubbing or stroking, unless it's a massage
-Get's angry very quickly, has a explosive temper if I press him, nag him or start complaining about all the things he isn't fulfilling in the relationship. He said he wants our conversation to be goal oriented, pro-active not complaining.
-Had problems maintaining long-term relationships in the past, said all his girlfriend's cheated on him, I don't have to wonder why, very believable.
-Needs to use his own pots, pans and utilities in the house (even though I had all this already, he does not use my items)
-Has OCD issues
-Needs to wash his own dishes, forbids me to wash his items (again that OCD thing)
-Never tries anything new in terms of food, eats and purchases the same foods all the time
-Must eat all of his food at the kitchen table - always - he gets upset if there are crumbs on the floor
-Is not good in a crisis or providing emotional support
-Has to be told constantly to pay attention to my emotional needs
-Over reacts to minors thing an NT would just blow off
-He's great at conversation and tuning in to me when we are out on date night at a movie, restaurant or concert but horrible when we get back home, as he goes off to do whatever he does all day long.
-Plays video games just about every night for an hour or two because it 'relaxing'
-Super smart but can be very brash with his language, sometimes mean and spiteful with his words, he does not have a good filter
-Does not have good social cues at all or able to tune into my body language - just a straight, clueless blank stare, doesn't get it
-Ask me to be direct with him about what I want, but if asking directly sounds like criticizing he gets upset and very defensive
-Has the type of persona that most NT's (without really knowing him) would find difficult and unapproachable.
I could go on as there are a lot of little eccentricity/quirky behavior that I won't detail so this post doesn't turn into a mini essay, but I wanted to give you a good ideas as to what I have observed.
Can someone tell me if my assessment is on-point? Thanks for all your help in advance. I do love him and he has good qualities as well, I'm not saying all of what I spoke about above is negative, it's just challenging to be in a relationship with him. I want to do more to understand him if in fact there is a strong possibility he is an undiagnosed aspie.
Dating did progress into a relationship and I started picking up on more unusual behavior. I filed those incidents in the back of my head for later.
A year into the relationship he moves in with me for economic reasons. I was trying to help him out because he lost his job due to personality conflicts with his program director at the University. He's a college professor. He was very hesitant about moving in with me and really didn't want to do it but had no choice until he could secure another teaching position. Once he moved in I started seeing lots of behavior that just seemed 'off' to me. So I started googling and that's when I saw descriptions of similar behavioral traits on-line from individuals who have AS.
I realize that though someone may have AS, every individual is unique so I was not looking for a running checklist, but I read enough to start having strong feelings that he may be on spectrum.
Here are some of the things I noticed.
-Dislikes having to interact with general population when he doesn't have to
-Only deals with his childhood long-time friends from HS and his neighborhood, people I assume are comfortable with him without needing to put on mask/act
-Told me he had to hide 'parts' of personality in a previous relationship and it made him miserable but he desperately wanted to stay in the relationship with this person, but felt long-term she probably would never be happy. She left him.
-Does not network or attempt to acquire or make new contacts/friendships
-Does not like crowds
-Super organized
-Very reclusive, can spends weeks in the house and venture out maybe twice for a haircut and food
-Somewhat rigid in day-to-day tasks and with his students
-When he had his own apartment he 'micro-managed' me in his place
-Not really tech savvy like some Aspies, he is the creative writer type, not the techie dude
-Needs to keep to a routine, does not do well with spontaneous things
-Write everything down in a little notebook and scribble over it when the task is completed.
-Needs to schedule our date night activity and/or if we go out of town days in advance, does not like surprises
-Obsessive sports fanatic all year round (football, basketball, baseball) to the point that it affects his mood and very invested. Real crazy.
-Is only open to modifying plans if he has at least 24 hours to readjust
-Insisted when he moved in with me that he has his own bedroom
-Keep his door closed most of the time while he is in the house 'because he is constantly
writing or working on research material' - is what I'm told but I feel it's like he 'needs' to protect a small space or sanctuary for himself in the house.
-Had to set aside a 'date night' twice a week for us to spend quality time together or else I'd be invisible to him. If I my attitude changes and I stop trying to reach out to him, he gets the point that I might be feeling neglected and will schedule a night out.
-Somewhat emotionally distant, he has to try hard to meet my needs, does not come natural at all, but he does try
-Does not like a lot of touching when we are laying on the couch watching a movie or in bed (could be sensory issues)
-I can touch him in certain places at times but not a lot of rubbing or stroking, unless it's a massage
-Get's angry very quickly, has a explosive temper if I press him, nag him or start complaining about all the things he isn't fulfilling in the relationship. He said he wants our conversation to be goal oriented, pro-active not complaining.
-Had problems maintaining long-term relationships in the past, said all his girlfriend's cheated on him, I don't have to wonder why, very believable.
-Needs to use his own pots, pans and utilities in the house (even though I had all this already, he does not use my items)
-Has OCD issues
-Needs to wash his own dishes, forbids me to wash his items (again that OCD thing)
-Never tries anything new in terms of food, eats and purchases the same foods all the time
-Must eat all of his food at the kitchen table - always - he gets upset if there are crumbs on the floor
-Is not good in a crisis or providing emotional support
-Has to be told constantly to pay attention to my emotional needs
-Over reacts to minors thing an NT would just blow off
-He's great at conversation and tuning in to me when we are out on date night at a movie, restaurant or concert but horrible when we get back home, as he goes off to do whatever he does all day long.
-Plays video games just about every night for an hour or two because it 'relaxing'
-Super smart but can be very brash with his language, sometimes mean and spiteful with his words, he does not have a good filter
-Does not have good social cues at all or able to tune into my body language - just a straight, clueless blank stare, doesn't get it
-Ask me to be direct with him about what I want, but if asking directly sounds like criticizing he gets upset and very defensive
-Has the type of persona that most NT's (without really knowing him) would find difficult and unapproachable.
I could go on as there are a lot of little eccentricity/quirky behavior that I won't detail so this post doesn't turn into a mini essay, but I wanted to give you a good ideas as to what I have observed.
Can someone tell me if my assessment is on-point? Thanks for all your help in advance. I do love him and he has good qualities as well, I'm not saying all of what I spoke about above is negative, it's just challenging to be in a relationship with him. I want to do more to understand him if in fact there is a strong possibility he is an undiagnosed aspie.
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