The thing is I can not accept not having my emotional needs met in someway. I can not forsake my emotional needs because he doesn't 'get it'. NT women get those needs met directly from romantic relationships, so it's not something I can just accept and forsake like learning to accept someone being comfortable with leaving the cap of the toothpaste or deciding not to use my dishes. It is a core function of a romantic relationship.
I want to find a way to communicate that to him so he can be more aware and do his best to address that. I want him to try and make an effort to fulfill a few of those needs. It is very important to me and 98% of the NT women out here and I need to communicate just how important it is and I think he is capable of that. If he is open to relationship with NT women - whether it's with me long-term or not it gonna come up again, and again and again. I just want to make sure I'm being clear, direct and approachable about what we can do about this that is realistic for him and acceptable for me.
You are right and, you shouldn't forsake your needs for anyone. I know how trying it can be, I've had two NT husbands, two Aspie LTR one NT LTR. I tend not to show affection as NTs do. I will cook, use air fresheners and home scents he likes, let him arrange the furniture as he likes, even though I detest the changes, lay out his clothes for the next day, etc.. but, I'm not a hug and kiss when he walks in the door sort or a sex very often at all sort. (more or less asexual.)
I don't ask a lot of questions about how his day went or what his plans are. I assume he will simply tell me if he wants me to know and, I'm not going to pry. Now if he tells me exactly what he needs and, when it is acceptable to him that I give him those things, I will gladly do so but, I don't know instinctively to do those things and, since I have no need of such things, I can't guess if he does or not. If I'm in a bad mood or stressed out, I want to be left alone. My partner may not but, unless he tells me I don't know that.
Saying "I don't feel as if you're trying to meet my emotional needs." Get and okay, so? reaction from me as does "some affection now and then would be nice." Great you told me what I'm doing wrong and what you want but, not specifically when or how you want it. Give me detailed instructions. I can't read your mind and, I know you don't think like I do so, you have to be specific.
Now if he tells me "Hey, I'd really like to cuddle for a few minutes before we sleep each night and, a welcome home kiss would be great and, when you see me scowling, just ask me what's going on with me." Oh, okay, of course, no problem, I see what you need from me now. Should I tell you how I feel about you more often or, tell you if I thought about you that day when you come home?
It isn't that I don't feel affectionate toward my partner or that I don't care what he needs, but, I have now way of knowing what he needs if I am not told and, I don't know how he would like me to show affection, what he would interpret as affection, positive touch, the right things to do to him and, I don't know when he might want me to do those things unless he tells me. After a few months of being told, I catch on and learn to read his non verbal signals for wanting those things better and, I'll do them based on that, it's getting to that point that I know is rough on NTs with me.
Really all I ask is that my partner not push me for those things when I'm overloaded and, yes that means I have to remember to actually tell him I need time to process before I can be in it for him again. He's got to understand that and give me that time. Even better if he's willing to learn how to help me process and de stress faster, then we can get back to being us a lot sooner but, it is a learning process and it demands open, honest communication on both sides.
With not confronting the possibility that he is an Aspie, that might not be possible for you. I hate to say that but, that might be a major road block for the both of you.
