Curious if my boyfriend is an undiagnosed aspie

[lfields1]

I would call him Aspie, sounds almost exactly like me other than sports. Replace the sports special interest with my model trains. The explosive temper(meltdowns), reclusive, needing downtime after a night out. All so typical of me. I am not tech savy, but more mechanicaly gifted. I have no filter, socialy clueless most of the time. Also need to be told point blank when my wife needs support( I am getting better noticing this on my own). I do not like being touched, espicaly when sleeping or not the one initating the touching. I hate being hugged. I am professionaly diagnosed but also took a couple of the online quizes and they confirmed what was already diagnosed professionaly. I took the AQ test first, 50 questions, anything over a score of 31 indicates autism and further testing needed. I scored a 43. Next is the "Aspie Quiz", my scores on that are listed in my signature below. If you can get him to take them, it might open up some lines of communication. Once my wife started learning how to better communicate with me, and I started to learn how to better cope, did our marriage get off the rocks. Mike

Thanks for the input, I'm strongly leaning towards him being Aspie as well. The more threads I read on this site, the more confirmation I get. Now, unfortunately, at this moment I highly doubt my boyfriend is up to doing any kind of self-test much less even bringing up the subject.

In terms of the touching that you mentioned. I noticed when we are in bed, he lies on his back (he has asthma) and there is very little touching going on between us. He will reach out and touch my thigh lightly or allow me to put my leg over his but there isn't any cuddling or a lot of hugging. I can put my head on his chest for a few minutes and he will put his arms around me for a little while and then go back to having his hands by his side. I also don't initiate a lot of physical contact (excluding sex of course) while we are just lying in bed because I'm really not sure what he's 'okay' with and what he isn't. We should have that discussion but he gets annoyed when I bring stuff like that up. So yeah, there is not a lot of physical touching, spooning or hugging in bed. I experienced a whole lot more contact in that area in previous relationships with NT men than with him.

Now, he does hug me a lot as reassurance throughout the day, but he doesn't like to kiss a lot. Many times when I reach up to kiss him on the lips, he turns and gives me his neck. I hate that. Other times he will plant one on my lips several times without me initiating contact of any kind and tell me he loves me very much. It's like he's up for planting one on me but only when he wants to. Now if "I" want a kiss on the lips I tap my lips and say 'right here babe' and he'll chuckle and kiss me several times. He seems more comfortable kissing me on the forehead, cheeks, neck, etc but not really my lips too much.

Also, really no tongue kissing. Well, it's weird, he is more adapt to tongue kiss me or kiss me in a more passionate way while we are in public than in private. I think when he kisses me like that perhaps he is trying to mark his territory when we are out around other people. I don't know. I can't explain it, just doesn't make sense that he can kiss me so passionately in public but not at home. I brought up the kissing situation early in the relationship and he was highly annoyed and kind of shut me down. I also brought up the cuddling as well and he said he would try, but after a while -- it's like we never had that discussion.

 

[lfields1]

I based my impression on the picture you painted. And you certainly were not short in your list of the persons eccentricities. Advice in such situations is haphazard anyway. But if you only want that which is agreeable to you, so be it. I do caution you to be careful on giving too much weight to anyone's opinion. You do not know who they are. It is best to look at a range of opinions including professional ones. You assumed I meant you prodding him to a shrink. That might be an option at some point. What I meant was you should be going to one if you are truly interested in a long term relationship with an Aspie. Not for your issues, but to get informed information and professional advice on your suspicions. Good luck.

I already went to a mental health professional two years ago and told her about my boyfriend among other personal issues I was having that wasn't relationship related and she said he was 'selfish' and advised that I leave the relationship.

 

[artfull dodger]

Thats just a typical non informed health professional that has little to no proper training in adult autism. I also like to lay on my back or side, I also have asthma. I do not like to cuddle, spoon or much in the the way of touching. Sex is to the point with little to no before or after cuddling ect. Even if one of our dogs comes up and lays against me, if I can turn to get some "space" between us, I do. I took the RAADS test online, its another one of the adult autism/aspergers tests and scored a 221. If you can get him to take a few of the online quizes on his own, maybe it will open up the conversation once he processes what it tells him. It took me about 6 months to accept my diagnosis(from a professional), then I started my own research, reading books, joining here and learning how to try to be a better husband. There are parts of me I cannot change, and she has had to learn to accept that is who I am, for better or worse. Mike

 

[lfields1]

Thats just a typical non informed health professional that has little to no proper training in adult autism. I also like to lay on my back or side, I also have asthma. I do not like to cuddle, spoon or much in the the way of touching. Sex is to the point with little to no before or after cuddling ect. Even if one of our dogs comes up and lays against me, if I can turn to get some "space" between us, I do. I took the RAADS test online, its another one of the adult autism/aspergers tests and scored a 221. If you can get him to take a few of the online quizes on his own, maybe it will open up the conversation once he processes what it tells him. It took me about 6 months to accept my diagnosis(from a professional), then I started my own research, reading books, joining here and learning how to try to be a better husband. There are parts of me I cannot change, and she has had to learn to accept that is who I am, for better or worse. Mike

Yeah, that's what I thought to after seeing the therapist. Perhaps I didn't provide enough information, I'm not sure at that time I suspected that he had AS. It was all very confusing in the beginning.

Do you mind if I ask: Were you like this in terms of touching with all your other romantic relationships prior to meeting your wife? Sometimes my NT brain makes me think that it's something about me and that perhaps my boyfriend could have been more affectionate in past relationships.

I felt like he went beyond the call of duty and/or was more giving for a previous long-term relationship he had. He was younger than of course and maybe inexperienced had something to do with it. He did say he 'hid' his personality in that relationship (as best he could) and when it failed he sworn he would never hide who he truly was again because it made him miserable and the person still ending up leaving him. Maybe hiding his aspie self made him tolerate or do more things for her that obviously wasn't in his nature and now - being older, wiser he no longer wants to live like that so I see a lot of the 'raw' him. I also think that he feels more comfortable around me in terms of displaying his real self than in past relationships.

 

[artfull dodger]

I am that way with pretty much anybody I have had intimate relations with. I enjoy the sex part, just not the foreplay or cuddling afterwards. I would rather go do something else once I am done. I love my wife, but many times I would rather be alone again. The work to keep her happy is extremely exhausting for me in every shape and form. Its hard for her when all I want to do is seclude myself away from her, but its necessary for me to process and recover. Being in a relationship with an Aspie is very difficult. I believe the divorce rate is 80% or higher. But if you truely love him, atleast according to my wife, its worth the work and sacrifice. There are some good books on relationships with someone on the spectrum. I highly recommend you get then for your kindle or a hard copy to read. Mike

 

[lfields1]

I am that way with pretty much anybody I have had intimate relations with. I enjoy the sex part, just not the foreplay or cuddling afterwards. I would rather go do something else once I am done. I love my wife, but many times I would rather be alone again. The work to keep her happy is extremely exhausting for me in every shape and form. Its hard for her when all I want to do is seclude myself away from her, but its necessary for me to process and recover. Being in a relationship with an Aspie is very difficult. I believe the divorce rate is 80% or higher. But if you truely love him, atleast according to my wife, its worth the work and sacrifice. There are some good books on relationships with someone on the spectrum. I highly recommend you get then for your kindle or a hard copy to read. Mike

He is exactly like you after intercourse. It's unbelievable. He may lay still and talk with me for a while sometimes, but I can tell he really just wants to get up and go back to working on his computer. It's rare that he goes to sleep before 1am most weeknights. This kind of behavior use to really piss me off when we first met because it made me feel like he wasn't really into me or didn't value the time he was spending with me. Many times I would just storm out of his apartment like at 3am and go home because it was (in my mind) very disrespectful. I started thinking that he didn't value me or like he was treating me in a callous way. I worried him to death about this because in the NT world this spells that the guy 'is not really into you'. Now since I kind of figured out that it's a very, very strong possibility he is a undiagnosed Aspie, everything is starting to make sense. I was racking my brain trying to figure out his odd behavioral patterns when I thought he was a NT. It just had me completely baffled.

I don't get upset anymore, I just let him do it. I know it doesn't mean he doesn't love me, that's just the way he is. I have been reading relationship books and other books about AS and will continue so I can gain more understanding.

 

[Beckalerka]

This sounds exactly like what I am going through with my boyfriend of one and half years, except for the OCD part.
He blew up at me again for asking a simple question last night and then accused me of starting a fight and chastising him?!
Not really sure I can keep this up.

 

[sisselcakes]

This sounds exactly like what I am going through with my boyfriend of one and half years, except for the OCD part.
He blew up at me again for asking a simple question last night and then accused me of starting a fight and chastising him?!
Not really sure I can keep this up.

Yes. Sometimes my bf will have an outburst. I would consider it "abusive" if the behavior came from someone who didn't have the other quirks of someone with Aspergers. My relationship feels a little other-worldly sometimes. It can be challenging.

I don't do well with being spoken to in a sharp tone so I will walk away for a bit.

 

[artfull dodger]

I love intercourse, cant get enough of it, but right afterwards I am in a huge sensory overload that I need down time to process and recover. If its late enough at night, I just roll over and go to sleep, if its day time, a hot shower then down time on the computer or working on my model trains. In the early part of our relationship, she would withhold affection as she didnt understand my lack of cuddling ect, and I ended up hooking up a lot with other girls for just intimate relations, nothing more. I didn't need the relationship, I had that at home and was struggling with it, but I did want the sexual part that I was not getting. Thankfully we have worked past that for the most part now. Mike

 

[sisselcakes]

I love intercourse, cant get enough of it, but right afterwards I am in a huge sensory overload that I need down time to process and recover. If its late enough at night, I just roll over and go to sleep, if its day time, a hot shower then down time on the computer or working on my model trains. In the early part of our relationship, she would withhold affection as she didnt understand my lack of cuddling ect, and I ended up hooking up a lot with other girls for just intimate relations, nothing more. I didn't need the relationship, I had that at home and was struggling with it, but I did want the sexual part that I was not getting. Thankfully we have worked past that for the most part now. Mike

I will tell you that your story along with everyone else's on here give me hope because I see that people have struggled and triumphed over a lot of challenges!