Confused and helpless and in need of advice

[Saskia Priya]

Hi everyone,

There's no way I can say this in a short post, so I must apologise in advance for length. I've added some bullet points at the end for anybody who might be able to help but doesn't want to read the whole thing. Also, thank you for reading this at all...

Once upon a time I met the most incredible hunky, intelligent, kind, wonderful, awkward man on the face of the earth and - to my utter shock - he seemed even more interested in me than I was in him. It was at a group event...he kept trying to get me alone. Think a young Mel Gibson with glasses. It all seemed too perfect to be true, so I assumed he must be a womaniser, or or...anyway at the end of the event he wanted to walk me to the station. I panicked - I wasn't in control of myself. I (smiling a bright fake smile) made my excuses and hurried in the opposite direction.

If only I could go back...

Anyway, he looked like I'd punched him in the face.

Since then, the story has been really messy. I can only sum it up if I oversimplify it to this: some months later I made some tentative attempts to get closer to him, while pretending they were only to do with professional matters (we work in the same field, though for different companies). But just as we came to the verge of dating/relationship I overreacted to something he did and pushed him away. This obviously hurt him, and he gave me the silent treatment whenever we saw each other. Then one day - at a conference - he came up to me out of the blue to say goodbye, because he was moving to a different country. I didn't react much, because I was shocked that he was talking to me at all...he looked a bit sad and disappointed, as if he thought I'd try to talk to him more. Then he left and that was that. I had previously unfriended him on Facebook and cut all communication between us. There was, I thought, no going back.

I was very depressed for a long time after that. The worst thing was that whenever he used to tease/flirt or hint that maybe I saw him as more than a colleague, I pretended I hadn't noticed, and though I think he began to suspect there was something else, I rebuffed him whenever he could and he always had that same look, like I'd punched him. I couldn't really write him a personal email, because I had no right. Instead, I found an excuse to send him something work-related some months later. He took a few days to reply, but when he did he was friendly, if surprised. He said he'd been away. Being the overly emotional person I am, I catastrophised, concluded that he must be dating some other girl, and ended my reply to his message with a Till the next time we meet. He didn't try to write to me after that.

It was relatively recently that I realised that he probably has Asperger's, after reading up about it online. When I say probably - if he doesn't have Asperger's I'm not neurotypical. I'd swear on my life that he's on the spectrum.

I don't expect he has any interest left in me. As we live in different countries, the next chance I'll have to see him will be in a few months at an international convention. But I still wanted to ask your advice.

• It's been months since we've been in contact. Should I try to email him again, or should I just wait until I (probably) see him?
• If I do email him, I can't see myself spelling out that I see him as more than a colleague/friend (apart from anything else I don't want to creep him out). Would he probably just assume this based on the fact that I was emailing again?
• Should I mention at some stage that I made a mistake unfriending him on Facebook?...of course I can't really do that because he doesn't know why I unfriended him in the first place. I imagine it's a complete mystery to him. But since there's nothing between us but air - as far as things are officially - I can't explain...
• Or are the two emails I sent him after our..."breakup" (he certainly behaved as if it was)...sufficient demonstration of my interest?
• If I do just wait until I see him again, how do I show him that I still care without seeming forward?

You see, I want so much to put things right between us...my mixed signals ever since the beginning would probably confuse an NT guy, even if he didn't take some of the brainless things I said literally. But I ruined my attempt to patch it up, and he probably thinks I'm crazy by now, so I'm scared of doing anything else...

And two questions only for the men on this forum...

• would you still make a move on a girl who had acted very badly towards you if you were interested in her and she had apologised?
• Would you chase her at all in real life or otherwise?

Because I have this idea that I must not chase him in any way, that it's unladylike and that it would turn him off if he doesn't already hate me. Part of me thinks that he must know that if he wants me he can have me and that (Mel Gibson type that he is) he probably only goes after girls he sees as prizes. But then, despite the macho exterior, he behaves like a little boy who is easily hurt, and I've seen him vulnerable, and I just...

I just want him to know that I care, without him feeling that I have any expectations. It's almost two years now since we've met, and I still think he's the most impressive man I will ever know, bar none.

 

[113]

• would you still make a move on a girl who had acted very badly towards you if you were interested in her and she had apologised?

• Would you chase her at all in real life or otherwise?

• Yes, if she apologized and explained the reasons.
  
• I generally wouldn't "make a move" or chase someone, because I have a lot of trouble reading people. Either she or someone else would need to tell me directly. Flirting and hints don't work.

 

[Suzanne]

What a dish he sounds lol oh and I used to have a crush on Mel Gibson lol so I get you there

We sound like two peas in a pod, for I am very much on your wave length here!

The fact that you know he likes you and there are no "strings attached" ie neither of you are in another relationship, then I would go ahead and email him and say be truthful with him; after all, you live in different countries.

He will not take courage and get in touch with you, because he probably feels exactly as you do ie thinks you are amazing and perhaps thinks that your behaviour is because you find him unattractive, when it is quite the opposite, but just to comfort you, I know where you are coming from! You find him devastatingly handsome and cannot deal with that and so, overreact to situations.

Send him and email and be honest.

Oh and what do you mean by: International convention? It is just I am one of Jehovah's Witnesses and we use this term; oh naturally, it is used for all kinds of things, but just stood out to me

 

[Saskia Priya]

Thanks for your lightning response, 113! It's very helpful. I didn't apologise in so many words (I sent him a virtual...present?!...something he'd like, anyway, based on our mutual special interests, to "make up" ). And I couldn't really explain the reasons I unfriended him on FB. I couldn't explain without admitting that I like him in that way...

The main question is do I contact him or not? I have another work-related excuse to email him, to which I could add something a bit more personal, but...I mean would there be a point, even if we had a little friendly discussion? [I mean, yes, I do want to get to know him better than I do already - yes, we have exactly the same interests, obsessions, books, movies...it's actually scary. But the platonic "just friends" thing scares me.]

I can't see any way out of my problem. I want to tell him directly that I like him. I'm aching to tell him. But I haven't seen him in 8 months, and I won't see him again for another 4 months.

Start an email conversation and after a couple of exchanges tell him, "By the way, I'm sorry again for my childish behaviour last year. Every time I see you I get butterflies - I unfriended you on Facebook because [insert explanation here]"?!

Or when I do see him - assuming he isn't engaged or married or whatever by then - drag him into a corner and give him a kiss? [edit: this is a joke...but just for the record it would be a kiss on the cheek]

If the gender roles were reversed, I'd be totally fine with any of this, ahem, confessing...though I admit I'm beginning to realise just how scary it must be to be a guy trying to win someone over...

 

[Saskia Priya]

What a dish he sounds lol oh and I used to have a crush on Mel Gibson lol so I get you there

We sound like two peas in a pod, for I am very much on your wave length here!

The fact that you know he likes you and there are no "strings attached" ie neither of you are in another relationship, then I would go ahead and email him and say be truthful with him; after all, you live in different countries.

He will not take courage and get in touch with you, because he probably feels exactly as you do ie thinks you are amazing and perhaps thinks that your behaviour is because you find him unattractive, when it is quite the opposite, but just to comfort you, I know where you are coming from! You find him devastatingly handsome and cannot deal with that and so, overreact to situations.

Send him and email and be honest.

Oh and what do you mean by: International convention? It is just I am one of Jehovah's Witnesses and we use this term; oh naturally, it is used for all kinds of things, but just stood out to me

Sorry Suzanne, only just saw your post as I posted my reply. Thanks so much, your warm words make me feel so much better. *sigh* If only I could believe that he still thinks I'm amazing. Looking back at our "history" with a clear head, I think all that you say is correct - about the past. I remember we once hung out...for...work purposes (my suggestion)...and we were eating and they didn't give me a serviette. He wanted to give me his (unused), but he thought I didn't want it...so he muttered something to the effect of, "oh - do you want - no you don't - um - yeah, they have more serviettes inside."

If he had given me his serviette, I would have kept it and carried it around like a lucky charm.

---
Edit: I'm not involved with the Jehovah's Witnesses...I'd tell you what our field is, but the idea of him coming on here and reading this and seeing what the convention was...well it would really be an exposé!

 

[113]

Do you have anything to lose by telling him how you feel? If I did like someone, I would be very happy if they just said basically what you wrote above without getting too heavy during the initial inquiry.

If someone unfriends me on Facebook, I see it as a clear signal that they do not want to be friends any more. This might be my tendency not to see a wide range of gray areas. If he was offended by that, it might require an apology and an explanation. I would forgive someone for it, but I would have to understand the reason.

I don't know if this is a good idea, but could you put feelers out? Something like: "I am so sorry for unfriending you on Facebook. I was feeling like _____, and I did it because ______. Sometimes I get emotional and don't know exactly what to do. I miss hanging out..." etc. Or whatever you want to say. Nothing too heavy, but enough to let him know that you are thinking about him and to explain anything that might have been confusing. If someone sent me that, I would keep the email conversation going until they stopped emailing me. (He may be different though.)

 

[Isabel]

As far as I understand you want to clear the air and misunderstandings between the two of you. And maybe after that has happened you are hoping for another chance. Am I correct?

In that case I would write him a very open and honest heartfelt email. I would tell him that I know I have most likely confused him with mixed signals but that I want him to know he is the "the most impressive man" I have ever and maybe even "will ever know, bar none." Then I would explain why I was sending mixed signals - that I am not confident and that the fact that I find him so impressive intimidates me. I would end the email saying "I just want him to know that I care" but that I say this without any expectations.

 

[Spiller]

Hi everyone,

There's no way I can say this in a short post, so I must apologise in advance for length. I've added some bullet points at the end for anybody who might be able to help but doesn't want to read the whole thing. Also, thank you for reading this at all...

Once upon a time I met the most incredible hunky, intelligent, kind, wonderful, awkward man on the face of the earth and - to my utter shock - he seemed even more interested in me than I was in him. It was at a group event...he kept trying to get me alone. Think a young Mel Gibson with glasses. It all seemed too perfect to be true, so I assumed he must be a womaniser, or or...anyway at the end of the event he wanted to walk me to the station. I panicked - I wasn't in control of myself. I (smiling a bright fake smile) made my excuses and hurried in the opposite direction.

If only I could go back...

Anyway, he looked like I'd punched him in the face.

Since then, the story has been really messy. I can only sum it up if I oversimplify it to this: some months later I made some tentative attempts to get closer to him, while pretending they were only to do with professional matters (we work in the same field, though for different companies). But just as we came to the verge of dating/relationship I overreacted to something he did and pushed him away. This obviously hurt him, and he gave me the silent treatment whenever we saw each other. Then one day - at a conference - he came up to me out of the blue to say goodbye, because he was moving to a different country. I didn't react much, because I was shocked that he was talking to me at all...he looked a bit sad and disappointed, as if he thought I'd try to talk to him more. Then he left and that was that. I had previously unfriended him on Facebook and cut all communication between us. There was, I thought, no going back.

I was very depressed for a long time after that. The worst thing was that whenever he used to tease/flirt or hint that maybe I saw him as more than a colleague, I pretended I hadn't noticed, and though I think he began to suspect there was something else, I rebuffed him whenever he could and he always had that same look, like I'd punched him. I couldn't really write him a personal email, because I had no right. Instead, I found an excuse to send him something work-related some months later. He took a few days to reply, but when he did he was friendly, if surprised. He said he'd been away. Being the overly emotional person I am, I catastrophised, concluded that he must be dating some other girl, and ended my reply to his message with a Till the next time we meet. He didn't try to write to me after that.

It was relatively recently that I realised that he probably has Asperger's, after reading up about it online. When I say probably - if he doesn't have Asperger's I'm not neurotypical. I'd swear on my life that he's on the spectrum.

I don't expect he has any interest left in me. As we live in different countries, the next chance I'll have to see him will be in a few months at an international convention. But I still wanted to ask your advice.

• It's been months since we've been in contact. Should I try to email him again, or should I just wait until I (probably) see him?
• If I do email him, I can't see myself spelling out that I see him as more than a colleague/friend (apart from anything else I don't want to creep him out). Would he probably just assume this based on the fact that I was emailing again?
• Should I mention at some stage that I made a mistake unfriending him on Facebook?...of course I can't really do that because he doesn't know why I unfriended him in the first place. I imagine it's a complete mystery to him. But since there's nothing between us but air - as far as things are officially - I can't explain...
• Or are the two emails I sent him after our..."breakup" (he certainly behaved as if it was)...sufficient demonstration of my interest?
• If I do just wait until I see him again, how do I show him that I still care without seeming forward?

You see, I want so much to put things right between us...my mixed signals ever since the beginning would probably confuse an NT guy, even if he didn't take some of the brainless things I said literally. But I ruined my attempt to patch it up, and he probably thinks I'm crazy by now, so I'm scared of doing anything else...

And two questions only for the men on this forum...

• would you still make a move on a girl who had acted very badly towards you if you were interested in her and she had apologised?
• Would you chase her at all in real life or otherwise?

Because I have this idea that I must not chase him in any way, that it's unladylike and that it would turn him off if he doesn't already hate me. Part of me thinks that he must know that if he wants me he can have me and that (Mel Gibson type that he is) he probably only goes after girls he sees as prizes. But then, despite the macho exterior, he behaves like a little boy who is easily hurt, and I've seen him vulnerable, and I just...

I just want him to know that I care, without him feeling that I have any expectations. It's almost two years now since we've met, and I still think he's the most impressive man I will ever know, bar none.

Hey Saskiya Priya
Basically, just tell him what you posted here
If I were him, I'd be confused, I'd hurt and I'd have completely lost my confidence and be afraid to make any moves toward you, also, I'd feel really awkward around you if I still cared.. and it sounds like he does..
I can't read peoples' intentions, it's almost as if I'm blind. I understand that for most, being too obvious is unladylike, but from my point of view, unless you are blatant (which I would only see as being open and honest) I might never know how you feel!
If I were he and I'd just read your first post, I'd be on my way to you, grinning from ear to ear, with a heart full of joy

 

[Nadador]

Firstly, welcome to the forums, Saskia.

I spent a few minutes debating whether or not I should answer this, as I'd be giving you more than you bargained for and it might not be welcome. Then I came to the conclusion I have an obligation to my likely fellow Aspie, and to you as his potential love interest, to say what's on my mind.

If you will indulge me, please re-read the following excerpts from your original post:

But just as we came to the verge of dating/relationship I overreacted to something he did and pushed him away.

The worst thing was that whenever he used to tease/flirt or hint that maybe I saw him as more than a colleague, I pretended I hadn't noticed,

Because I have this idea that I must not chase him in any way, that it's unladylike

My concern here is that you may have a very steep learning curve for being a suitable partner to an Aspie...a veritable vertical climb that would be hard to accomplish in a long-distance relationship.

It takes a thick skin, a remarkably even temperament, an exceptionally clear and straightforward communication style, and the ability to drop all traditional attitudes and expectations for a happy relationship with an Aspie man. Of course I can't know for sure that you don't have these, but by the quotes, above, I have to at least raise the question.

A long-distance relationship with a Aspie could be especially rough for an NT, because it's very possible that once things settled in a bit, you could find his international communication habits unsatisfying, perhaps even utterly perplexing. We don't act like NTs in romance, generally. If we do at the start, we may change abruptly once we get truly comfortable. Many of us are hard to get to know very well, even when local. So you have to ask yourself right now: Am I fairly high-maintenance and in need of frequent affirmation in romance? Do I feel neglected, hurt, or insulted easily? How would I handle a long-distance disagreement, let's say, if my partner was very avoidant or shut down on me? Aspie men aren't for the average NT girl. Long-distance Aspie men are only for the most level-headed, patient, perceptive, and self-secure few.

I give you this dose of reality because you could both get hurt if you're not leading entirely with your head on this.

• Or are the two emails I sent him after our..."breakup" (he certainly behaved as if it was)...sufficient demonstration of my interest?

• would you still make a move on a girl who had acted very badly towards you if you were interested in her and she had apologised?
• Would you chase her at all in real life or otherwise?

• Likely not. As I touched on before, most Aspie men [and women] need very clear and straightforward communication. You're going to have to be a bit braver, frankly. You can't play the usual interpersonal games of understatement and hint-dropping with us.

• Personally, no. Not if something caused her to overreact, to the extent you mentioned, before we were even dating. In my own experience, punches to the face get much more painful once you've let someone in closer.

• I don't chase anyone, period. Some Aspie men do, while many others don't. The "chase" too often involves social manoeuvres we just aren't good at. I go by exactly what a person is telling me, to know if they are truly interested, and I need to be met halfway, step for step. It should be noted that many Aspie men would be especially bad at an international chase, for the lack of easy access and the disadvantage of not being able to use all of our five [or six?] senses to try to read the other person.

I don't mean to rain on your parade, and I suspect others here would tell you I'm not at all a cruel or insensitive person. I simply believe you have some very serious, objective thinking to do. All rose-coloured glasses should be removed from your household immediately if you are to proceed.

Good luck to you.

 

[Ylva]

I'd just like to point out that looking like Mel Gibson doesn't make you Mel Gibson, nor does it guarrantee a Mel Gibson personality.

Similarly, just because someone sends you an email, it doesn't mean that they are interested in you. Why would anyone assume that, NT or not?

I'd never make a move on anyone who had demonstrated that they were untrustworthy, and I take rejection completely literally so I would never chase anyone either.

Now to the bluntness. It's not often NTs are so open about their LARPing, but if you want any kind of meaningful personal relationship with an aspie you can't play those frankly idiotic social games. Get honest, or if you feel too vulnerable being straight, leave the poor man alone.

 

[Nadador]

I've just read what is perhaps the hundredth [no lie] example of an NT asking about distressing and common male Aspie behaviour that I've seen on these forums [see screengrab, below]. It's actually from the very thoughtful Isabel, who happens to have chimed in on this thread. She did not mention her own situation here, and Isabel, I'm sorry to make you an example, but this is an honest attempt at demonstrating what Saskia may likely be in for, at one point or another.

Saskia, could you handle this from a long distance?

Edited to add this link to Isabel's full post:

How to approach Aspie after he retreats into shell | AspiesCentral.com

 

[Warmheart]

I can honestly say that subtlety and the traditional games do not work for many of us. Our lives can be marathons of rejection, so we may rarely expect anyone to be interested in us. Add to this that we do not pick up on hints, subtlety, cues, etc.-- we need people to be very direct.

"I'd like to get to know you better" is exactly what we may need. Even if you feel uncomfortable, you will at least be likely to be understood.

Before you go ahead with contacting this fellow, it may be optimal to first deeply consider that your expectations of what a partner with AS is able to do will likely need to change.

I wish you success, peace, and joy.

 

[Nadador]

Before you go ahead with contacting this fellow, it may be optimal to first deeply consider that your expectations of what a partner with AS is able to do will likely need to change.

I adore you, Warmheart. You always say things in the most wonderfully gentle way.

 

[Warmheart]

Thank you, I honestly adore you too, dear Nadador. (((Hugs)))) Thank you for being you. I'm glad to be reading you again.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Thanks for your lightning response, 113! It's very helpful. I didn't apologise in so many words (I sent him a virtual...present?!...something he'd like, anyway, based on our mutual special interests, to "make up" ). And I couldn't really explain the reasons I unfriended him on FB. I couldn't explain without admitting that I like him in that way...

The main question is do I contact him or not? I have another work-related excuse to email him, to which I could add something a bit more personal, but...I mean would there be a point, even if we had a little friendly discussion? [I mean, yes, I do want to get to know him better than I do already - yes, we have exactly the same interests, obsessions, books, movies...it's actually scary. But the platonic "just friends" thing scares me.]

I can't see any way out of my problem. I want to tell him directly that I like him. I'm aching to tell him. But I haven't seen him in 8 months, and I won't see him again for another 4 months.

Start an email conversation and after a couple of exchanges tell him, "By the way, I'm sorry again for my childish behaviour last year. Every time I see you I get butterflies - I unfriended you on Facebook because [insert explanation here]"?!

Or when I do see him - assuming he isn't engaged or married or whatever by then - drag him into a corner and give him a kiss? [edit: this is a joke...but just for the record it would be a kiss on the cheek]

If the gender roles were reversed, I'd be totally fine with any of this, ahem, confessing...though I admit I'm beginning to realise just how scary it must be to be a guy trying to win someone over...

I think you're going to have to explain the unfriending behavior. And fully and truthfully. That reads like an absolute rejection to people who are into Facebook (and even to me, a non-FB person). You're going to have to explain what you're so afraid of, which means you have to start examining yourself before you can reach out to him. A couple of times you comment that you've overreacted to him, so how do you, and he, learn to trust you now?

"Part of me thinks that he must know that if he wants me he can have me" --You have convinced yourself you can read his mind? Really?

"and that (Mel Gibson type that he is) he probably only goes after girls he sees as prizes."--if this guy is as wonderful as you say he is, why have you ascribed an ugly motive that also sells yourself short?

I also think you should give up the expectation of a relationship as part of the apology. Otherwise, the apology itself, no matter how detailed you get into 'why' is going to sound like just another manipulation and any self-knowledge you've developed will sound like an excuse.

If you apologize because you respect his feelings and you're disturbed that you hurt him, that's good. If respect is demonstrated by new self-knowledge and an absolute commitment to what's good for him, not just you, the sincerity gives him something positive to think about. Somehow (here comes my aspie bluntness, again, but I can't think of any other way to say it!) this feels as if you're trying to manipulate the outcome you want, and I hope I'm wrong about that. Further outreach only works if you care enough about being a good person yourself, and about honoring his dignity, to let go of controlling how things turn out.

 

[Saskia Priya]

Wow - thank you all so much for your input, I appreciate it more than I can possibly say. I never expected so many people to pitch in!

I'll try to clarify things and answer some of your well-pointed-out concerns.

The first thing I should note is that maybe it sounded, from my summary, as if I was closer to him than I really was. To all extents and purposes we were only ever colleagues, not even friends, and despite the long-drawn-out timeframe, we spent relatively little time interacting in real life or online. The unfriending thing must have sounded callous, but I did genuinely think at first that he wouldn't even notice I was gone.

As to the reasons - I had been chasing him quite obviously, I thought, though I always hid behind work excuses; there was some bluntness from him, and I honestly thought he was trying to push me away. (Which may still be true, but I doubt it.) I was hurt by a number of things - my hints dropping like dead stones, repeatedly...and it all built up to the point I just decided he was trying to not-so-gently warn me off. We had a casual coffee - our first time alone together - and he did all the things guys who aren't interested do...he clammed up, seemed most interested in looking at his feet, barely asked any personal questions...I thought he was either supernaturally shy, which didn't make sense given the fact that he could be quite talkative with other people...or that he was trying to let me know he didn't see me like that. And that he didn't even want to be friends.

And then I was (mis)informed by a(n un)reliable source with the big news that he actually had a girlfriend, so I thought that all made sense, and I just...

I reached the end of my rope. I thought that if he wasn't interested in me as a girl or even, apparently, as a person, he didn't need to have me on Facebook, and in fact that if he did by some miracle notice I was gone, it would be a good thing, because at least he'd know I respected his privacy and wouldn't be bothering him again, ever.

And then this colleague of mine, who I thought wanted to maintain a professional distance, started to ignore me when he saw me - for my part I avoided him out of embarrassment - and it escalated to the point where he'd talk to the person I was with as if I wasn't there at all. Yes, I should have tried to talk to him, but my embarrassment turned to hurt and then to anger and confusion. There was such tension that we needed an argument to clear it up. But you can't argue with someone who isn't talking to you, and when we finally did talk...well, I thought it was very noble of him to say goodbye after all that. Sadly I was too shocked that he was talking to me again to say anything useful. I mechanically returned his well wishes and answered his questions, and then as he left I thanked him once more for everything he had done for me.

I think I cried for two hours straight after I got back to the conference accommodation. On the train to the airport the next day I had to wear dark glasses to hide the tears that just wouldn't go away.

---

When I did finally get up the courage to send him an email some months later, I made it clear that I wanted to heal the breach, and I asked if he thought we could be friends again one day in the future. He said that he didn't think there was any bad feeling between us that needed future reconciliation. There were lots of exclamation marks and he seemed happy and balanced, though surprised that I had written. He even seemed to be teasing me. I felt a fool, but I maintained my stance of trying to make amends, though I didn't have the courage to spell out why, let alone to try to refriend him.

So I didn't apologise explicitly, but I made it obvious that I wanted to restore our connection. Then I decided he probably wanted to be left alone.

---

All your comments have been so helpful. Thanks so much for caring.

I do want to try to email him again - I feel like I botched my attempt to patch it up. Heck, even that was childish.

I know I owe him a proper, straightforward apology.
And I do realise that I need to be more open and less guarded.
But exactly how much I tell him, and whether I should really do it over email...from personal experience, he is alarmed easily and can overreact to smaller things than me. *cough* Though he cools down as quickly as he heats up.

Might I not scare him? I love the idea of coming clean, but I think there's a fifty-fifty chance he'll shut down...and he denied knowledge of there being anything wrong...

(Individual responses later. Thanks again, one and all!)

 

[wyverary]

I know I owe him a proper, straightforward apology.

I have read every single one of these posts, Saskia Priya , and of all the advice given, I think what you yourself just said here is all that can be done.

I think, ultimately, this issue should not be about him; it should be about you.

You have gone through a lot of heartache here, I can tell. I wish I knew how to better cushion my response:

Whether or not he is Aspie is irrelevant, I think; you need to find a way to let it go. From all your posts I have gathered barely a hint that he is romantically interested in you in any way. The best you can do is clear the air with him, or at least try. I can't see any way you two could possibly wind up together and be happy. I am not seeing much chemistry (unless I have sorely misread something; if I have, please correct me!). I honestly believe continuing to pursue this will only lead to more hurt on your part, and from what I've read, you've had plenty of that already! Letting go is hard, will be hard for some time, but it will most likely fade, and it is better than this constant rabbit chase, and continuing to be disappointed and hurt and unhappy. Cross-country relationships CAN work, but not in the uncertain climate in which you seem to find yourself.

I really do wish you best, and I would be interested to see others' responses to what I have said. I am merely giving my own opinion based upon what I have observed thus far.

love
wyv

 

[113]

The unfriending thing must have sounded callous, but I did genuinely think at first that he wouldn't even notice I was gone.

People with ASD often notice details.

I was hurt by a number of things - my hints dropping like dead stones, repeatedly

If he is an Aspie, that should be expected. If you haven't seen it, you might like this movie:

"I can see that you are upset, but I don't know what to do."
"Could you give me a hug?"
"Yes." [interprets it literally, misses his cue, and does nothing]
"Adam, I'd like you to give me a hug."
[gives her a hug]

We had a casual coffee - our first time alone together - and he did all the things guys who aren't interested do...he clammed up, seemed most interested in looking at his feet, barely asked any personal questions...I thought he was either supernaturally shy, which didn't make sense given the fact that he could be quite talkative with other people...or that he was trying to let me know he didn't see me like that. And that he didn't even want to be friends.

Sometimes, routine everyday talk that has been practiced repeatedly can seem natural, but it's the unscripted situations with improvised small talk that can be especially difficult. If he liked you, it is possible that his brain was overloaded.

it escalated to the point where he'd talk to the person I was with as if I wasn't there at all.

I thought it was very noble of him to say goodbye after all that.

It is impossible to say, but that could be a sign that he does like you and at least wanted to have some kind of closure before leaving.

He said that he didn't think there was any bad feeling between us that needed future reconciliation. There were lots of exclamation marks and he seemed happy and balanced, though surprised that I had written. He even seemed to be teasing me.

I wouldn't know how to interpret that, but if there is no sarcasm, it could be a good sign.

So I didn't apologise explicitly, but I made it obvious that I wanted to restore our connection. Then I decided he probably wanted to be left alone.

I can only speak for myself, but I probably wouldn't reach out to someone unless they reached out to me first. If they stopped communicating with me I would probably stop communicating back. This is because I cannot tell when the other person wants me to stop communicating, so this compensation tactic reduces the chance that I will be annoying.

I know I owe him a proper, straightforward apology.
And I do realise that I need to be more open and less guarded.
But exactly how much I tell him, and whether I should really do it over email...from personal experience, he is alarmed easily and can overreact to smaller things than me. *cough* Though he cools down as quickly as he heats up.

Might I not scare him? I love the idea of coming clean, but I think there's a fifty-fifty chance he'll shut down...and he denied knowledge of there being anything wrong...

Could you keep the friendly email correspondence going without saying too much at once? If you ask him about life in the other city, would he reply in a way that might start some back-and-forth conversation?

You don't necessarily have to bring up bad things that happened in the past right away. If you do find out that he likes you, then later you can mention that you liked him since [whenever] and that you were acting weird because you didn't know what to do.

I don't know if any of that would work, but I think it's better to try and fail than not to try and fail. I've missed many relationship opportunities, because I didn't understand what was going on. If the other person would have said something to me plainly, things might have been different.

Edit: everything that I've written here is just my own personal interpretation as if it were me on the other end. He could be completely different.

 

[Saskia Priya]

Edited for length, and also it just didn't feel right to have all that I'd written online

Hi Wyverary,

Thanks for your kind words. I know I have to let go. I seem to do so periodically, but then something happens to bring it all back. You may be right that he was never that interested...I guess we'll never know.

(Edit...again...sorry...I tried to cut back on the positive side of the...whatever it was...but I think something needs to be up here) We were always in different cities so we only saw each other so often in the flesh, at work events. But whether or not he would have actually pushed for a relationship, the physical chemistry was such that people who didn't know us assumed we were an item and people who did thought there was something going on. He never had issues talking to other girls but would get all flustered and happy and inarticulate around me. He was always doing me extra favours...

I do believe that when and if he and I communicate in future, it will be easier, because I feel - thanks to reading on AS, and - importantly - all the posts here - I will be able to understand him better and thus also be understood better.

---
113, I love your post, I'll be getting back to you soon (have to get back to work)...but I have seen Adam, and I love it.
Also! Before I go, I thought I should make this clear: I don't blame any of my current situation on Asperger's - I blame it on my own hypersensitivity and impatience - the time I've known him has also unfortunately coincided with me taking on way more projects than I'm supposed to in my work life, making me highly strung where I'm usually only slightly ruffled.
Okay, I'm gone.

Edit: I'm currently set against a deadline, but I will post a final post soon.

 

[Saskia Priya]

First of all, sorry to double-post, but I thought I should stop endlessly editing the last one. I know my input into this thread must look very messy, and, erm, "confused and helpless." You've all been wonderful and I really appreciate your time and advice.

I think Wyverary is right in reading lack of interest from much of what I wrote, especially the information in the post where I tried to explain my reasons for acting as I did. I saw black after analysing the coffee and everything else in terms of the apparent girlfriend, and rationalised away everything that had happened that suggested he wanted to build something up. But as 113 points out he could have been misreading my signals.

Aspergirl and others have rightly pointed out that I'm not good at being vulnerable. As much as I was trying to show my interest I have a tendency to put on armour and pretend there's nothing going on. Despite trying to talk to him I was sometimes a bit cool and distant, even I'm ashamed to say slightly mean, precisely because I liked him so much. I'm naturally a very friendly and open and happy person and guys I see only as friends often get the wrong idea and think I'm flirting, but I don't know how to act naturally around someone I'm head over heels with.

He was the one who originally suggested we should have coffee sometime (to "talk about stuff") but he sounded very unsure of himself. My answer was something like "sure" or "okay" with my brightest smile. He said we should figure out a time online. I waited for days for him to start to organise it, but he didn't. Eventually I sent him a ridiculous email asking very formally for a business appointment/coffee (I didn't want to be forward and ask for a date, since I didn't know if that was really what he meant). He instantly replied and we organised it for the next day. Then he was all clammed up. I'd said I wanted to talk about work and we talked about...work. At one point he did try to tell me some things about his travels but he talked so fast I couldn't understand him and he sort of stopped himself and got silent again.

After the coffee he took me somewhere else to show me around his city and he was more relaxed/confident and at that point he was repeatedly asking me questions about my future and really pressing me as to where I was going to live once I finished with my current post, asking if I might not move to Europe (where he is now) for a new post...

I don't know. Who knows. If anyone has any opinion they'd like to share about his interest or lack thereof, as usual I'd be grateful, though I think I've probably imposed on you all enough already.
The only other thing that I feel I can post online (somehow the negative aspects of our "history" don't feel as sensitive or personal as the positive ones) is that his ignoring thing only got nasty after he saw me with another guy at a concert. After that, not only did he not speak to me, but the moment I'd come into a room he'd glare at me and make a big thing of going over and talking to the closest girl he could find. Maybe I've misjudged everything, but I don't think he would do that if his feelings were strictly platonic.

At the end of the day, something Aspergirl said was very true. There is still a part of me that desperately wants something from him, and it isn't right that my apology should be mixed up with that. Those of you who propose that we're not right for each other as things stand are totally correct. But I used to be a strong person with a sunny disposition and - now that things are winding down with my work stress - I intend to regain that. Nadador - you didn't rain on my (very puny!) parade, I really appreciate your posts. Reality checks are good. I want you all to know that I'll do my utmost to make it up to Peter (false name), whether or not we are ever more than friends, and to always be nice and easy-going and straightforward from now on.

I'm still debating the email. This thread has given me a lot of new information and new angles to consider and lots of very wise advice, so I don't think I'll do anything immediately. But I think 113's idea of resuming some sort of friendly communication would be good, and that it could eventually open up a non-awkward window for me to apologise, and admit that it was all because he's so irresistible.
And when I say that...Ylva pointed out that someone who looks like Mel Gibson isn't necessarily that type of man. I don't want a Mel Gibson. Though his looks (and shoulders *cough*) attracted me, what I fell for the was the awkward and considerate and adorable guy underneath.
Thank you all once more for being so kind and helpful. I'm sorry again that I'm all over the place.