yogabanana
Active Member
Hi. I'm having arguments with my husband and need help with how to explain things. We are both autistic but I am very much emotionally oriented. I don't care as much about facts, logic and reason as he does. I don't care about evidence. Truth be told I think that he's using a lot of emotional reasoning right now but he thinks of himself as a reasonable and logical person so he can't see that about himself by me pointing it out.
I need help with how to explain confirmation bias to him. He thinks I am picking fights because I try to discuss an issue and we end up fighting. I need him to understand that:
(a) If he believes I'm picking fights then:
i. His brain is looking for evidence of that and he is more likely to make snotty comments, roll his eyes, raise his voice, get defensive/exasperated, assume the worst about my intent/behavior, etc. (all of which are likely to turn a conversation into an argument), and
ii. This results in him projecting a specific expectation and then creating a choke point so that we have no other path forward besides the one he created because he expected it so much that his responses to me prevented anything else except for me abandoning my goal to solve a problem altogether, and
(b) other possible explanations exist, such as
i. me wanting to talk not argue and him not believing that, or
ii. him not having the skills to talk instead of argue so it ends up as an argument.
I also need him to understand if other explanations are valid, then the issue isn't wife tries to talk and we fight so it's her fault for trying to talk. I need him to see where his thinking is skipping a step there. As in, perhaps:
wife tries to talk > husband lacks skills to keep himself calm/remind himself that we are on the same team/remind himself to listen with an open mind/use active listening signals > conversation becomes an argument
In the cause and consequences chain above the issue is how husband responds to attempts to communicate not the communication itself. So if he doesn't like what is happening he needs to see his participation in that.
Sometimes my husband does see it in the moment but still blames me for his lack of skills. Like "you knew it wasn't going well/I wasn't responding well" therefore it's my fault the conversation failed to achieve a constructive outcome. I think he needs to take responsibility for his poor response to my efforts due to skill deficits not expect me to just cater to his deficiency in communication/ listening/self soothing/conflict management skills.
He seems to think I should just not try to discuss something rather than expecting him to learn the skills to be able to talk without arguing. I think that's an unrealistic expectation and if we can't discuss things we will either have a more distant, disconnected marriage or things will come out as resentment and passive aggressiveness.
How can I get him to actually see what seems to be going on from my perspective when he is being very black or white in his thinking and making a lot of assumptions that he is then sure about and unable to consider alternative points of view? He is an engineer by trade so if you can explain in terms an engineer could especially understand I would appreciate that framing very much.
I need help with how to explain confirmation bias to him. He thinks I am picking fights because I try to discuss an issue and we end up fighting. I need him to understand that:
(a) If he believes I'm picking fights then:
i. His brain is looking for evidence of that and he is more likely to make snotty comments, roll his eyes, raise his voice, get defensive/exasperated, assume the worst about my intent/behavior, etc. (all of which are likely to turn a conversation into an argument), and
ii. This results in him projecting a specific expectation and then creating a choke point so that we have no other path forward besides the one he created because he expected it so much that his responses to me prevented anything else except for me abandoning my goal to solve a problem altogether, and
(b) other possible explanations exist, such as
i. me wanting to talk not argue and him not believing that, or
ii. him not having the skills to talk instead of argue so it ends up as an argument.
I also need him to understand if other explanations are valid, then the issue isn't wife tries to talk and we fight so it's her fault for trying to talk. I need him to see where his thinking is skipping a step there. As in, perhaps:
wife tries to talk > husband lacks skills to keep himself calm/remind himself that we are on the same team/remind himself to listen with an open mind/use active listening signals > conversation becomes an argument
In the cause and consequences chain above the issue is how husband responds to attempts to communicate not the communication itself. So if he doesn't like what is happening he needs to see his participation in that.
Sometimes my husband does see it in the moment but still blames me for his lack of skills. Like "you knew it wasn't going well/I wasn't responding well" therefore it's my fault the conversation failed to achieve a constructive outcome. I think he needs to take responsibility for his poor response to my efforts due to skill deficits not expect me to just cater to his deficiency in communication/ listening/self soothing/conflict management skills.
He seems to think I should just not try to discuss something rather than expecting him to learn the skills to be able to talk without arguing. I think that's an unrealistic expectation and if we can't discuss things we will either have a more distant, disconnected marriage or things will come out as resentment and passive aggressiveness.
How can I get him to actually see what seems to be going on from my perspective when he is being very black or white in his thinking and making a lot of assumptions that he is then sure about and unable to consider alternative points of view? He is an engineer by trade so if you can explain in terms an engineer could especially understand I would appreciate that framing very much.