Can Anybody Help Me.... Domestic Abuse

[Highway Cowboy]

Hello friends, I really really need help and advice. I am a 46 year old Aspies man and am a Trucker. I am deeply ashamed and embarrassed to be reaching out to you for help as you all have your own issues to deal with but I don't know which way to turn.

Here we go.

I've been with my missus for just over 11 years now and we have a beautiful 9 year old daughter, our daughter is also autistic /aspergers and has a condition called septo optic dysplasia spectrum. For as long as I can remember my wife (we'll call her L for the benefit of the conversation) has always been very moody, a little unbalanced, up and down and very verbally aggressive.

Years ago she physically attacked me leaving me with bruising to my arms. I must point out that I have never ever retaliated. I used to just put it down to post natal depression or something like that but she's been to the doctor and they've just put her on fluoxetine.

Over the last couple of years she is getting steadily worse, a constant tirade of emotional abuse. She is always trying to cause trouble between me and my family, I have a daughter aged 25 from a previous marriage which L resents and is forever telling me how much she hates her, doesn't ever want her at the house, L is constantly telling me how my family are nothing to do with her and trying to pick faults, she always puts me down, tells me she wishes I would die slowly and painfully from cancer as I had a recent scare after peeing blood, turned out to be a kidney infection. Came home from work recently and she had cut up all my work uniforms to shreds for absolutely no reason.

I am at my wits end, she is pure evil and there's loads of other stuff she's done to try and upset me and cause me problems. I always just brush it all off and forgive her asif nothing happened, and then a week later she's just the same, or worse.
This is affecting me at work now as I am constantly on egg shells wondering what I'm going to go home to. Work can be challenging enough being a recently diagnosed Aspies Trucker. I'm absolutely at my wits end and have had enough.
I work hard, L doesn't work as she's cocked up every job she's had with her attitude and poor attendance, not turning up etc.

I pay the mortgage, all the bills, shopping etc and I give her about £100 a week for herself cos I don't like to think of her having no money. I'm only a HGV Driver, the wages are good but I'm far from being a millionaire.

So what can I do? I rang the Samaritans once but all they do is listen, they can't give advice. I need help and support. I have nowhere else I can go to stay, and I could never ever leave my daughter

I've Googled sites such as Mankind for male victims of domestic violence and they seem to advise I need to involve the police to help me but as a bloke I just can't bring myself to do this. I would be a laughing stock among friends and family and L would probably twist it all and make it out to be my fault. Perhaps it is??? Maybe I'm doing something wrong to bring it all on.

I've had enough, life is hard enough and I think I'm worth more than that.

Any help gladly welcomed

 

[Bolletje]

I’m sorry this is happening to you. However, I think you need to swallow your pride and do involve the police. And I suggest you divorce your wife, kick her out and file for custody of your daughter.

 

[Otenba]

That's a tough situation to be in. I hope you're going to be okay. I don't think your wife's behaviour is good at all. Someone can be resentful about things but when they start acting out based on them, then that's a big problem. First thing I could think of suggesting was getting in contact with the charity called Relate ( website is here ) and see what advice they could give you since it's likely they have dealt with people in your situation. I do understand your fears about keeping up appearances as a man (I don't think you should be ashamed but I do understand sexist attitudes like that are still a big problem in society), and how she may turn things on you, but to me, these are just more signs of abuse in the relationship. Emotional abuse to be exact. Lack, or loss, of trust as well. She's physically attacking you, and wishing you dead, and that is not something that someone who loves you does. If she won't look at her behaviour and address it, then you will have to make a decisions for her since this situation is not okay or fair on the family in general. I also agree with Bolletje that you should really involve the police. Best wishes, and hope you are safe.

 

[Highway Cowboy]

I’m sorry this is happening to you. However, I think you need to swallow your pride and do involve the police. And I suggest you divorce your wife, kick her out and file for custody of your daughter.

Thank you, she is aware of my diagnosis, she helped me throughout (between mood swings) but now she uses it against me and twists things. She says there's nothing I can do because she is a great liar, everyone would believe her and no court would give me custody of my daughter because of my Autism and my job with unsocial hours.

 

[Mary Lyn]

I'd say you need to collect evidence - photos of injuries, reports of them to the police, recordings anything, until you have enough to take out an order for her to stay away from you. Also speak to your doctor and tell him what is going on. Dont keep things secret but don't confront ATM. She is mentally ill and you need the authorities to know and prevent her getting custody.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I've Googled sites such as Mankind for male victims of domestic violence and they seem to advise I need to involve the police to help me but as a bloke I just can't bring myself to do this. I would be a laughing stock among friends and family and L would probably twist it all and make it out to be my fault

I doubt it is your fault.

What have you documented to represent the abuse?

Otherwise it's hearsay. Police with backwards attitudes are easily swayed by a manipulator especially when it falls in with their existing prejudice.

1. Document and diarise conversation from now onwards.
2. Use diaro or some other software that is passworded.
3. This will give you a larger grounding to look back and fill in a wider picture.
4. This will give you confidence in your position
5. It will also help!you see trigger points and help you take a step back meaning your responses may change in the heat of the moment.
6. Take your time with it. Keep it secret.

Just an idea,to start,hopefully others have more.

 

[Gracey]

Actions have consequences.
L is learning nothing but each time she’s ‘on one’ she can use you as a punch bag.

Police involvement will:
1) show L the reality of her behaviour and that she can’t hit out every time she feels like it.
2) very likely highlight that more than fluoxetine is needed at the moment.

Is your daughter safe?
Is L physically assaulting or verbally abusing your daughter?

 

[Mary Anne]

You need to go to the hospital and have injuries documented every single time. You need to call the police and fill out a report on her EVERY single time. You need to document and call police every time she destroys your property. You need to call domestic Violence hotline every single time there is ANY physical, verbal, or mental abuse. By calling the hotline, they will have potential resources for you in your region. Do NOT let this abuse continue! Do NOT “keep it secret!”

I worked with incarcerated men for a year in a prison setting as I worked in the mental health field. There were some who went to jail because they never documented their own abuse from a wife - for the very same reasons you state. They are now felons for the rest of their life. They were shamed, afraid of being laughed at, and of the police ignoring them. What happened was that one day the abused husband could no longer “take it.” and so “went off on the wife,” who immediately called police and he went to jail!!!!! Or he accidentally killed her. True story.

I also worked at an agency (different job) where I worked with court-mandated men who had to get domestic violence counseling. Some also had finally gotten sick of their wife abusing them and they beat her up. They paid the price by going to jail, paying tens of thousands of dollars in legal costs, lost work time (jail), and mandatory remedial domestic violence education. All because they FELT the way you do. You cannot get out of this situation by ignoring it.

I cannot stress enough: please please please get help before she maims or kills you, or you retaliate out of self defense. Please know, that every abused person believes that “it must be my own fault,” and believe they should just keep quiet and figure it out. You are NOT at fault! You cannot figure this out on your own!
Please call a regular domestic violence hotline....even those that deal with women, will be trained enough to understand it happens to men far more then society is willing to admit. Please start taking photos of everything, and make copies that are stored in a safe place she cannot find. Because the abuse WILL continue to escalate.... and you will need all that documentation for police, hospital, courts, and lawyers.

Your wife might need to be arrested, and subsequently hospitalized (against her will). You might separate from her permanently (divorce) so start thinking about that. You might start looking for a lawyer as well. I know this all sounds overwhelming. Keep in touch, and best wishes to you. Stay safe!

 

[Highway Cowboy]

That's a tough situation to be in. I hope you're going to be okay. I don't think your wife's behaviour is good at all. Someone can be resentful about things but when they start acting out based on them, then that's a big problem. First thing I could think of suggesting was getting in contact with the charity called Relate ( website is here ) and see what advice they could give you since it's likely they have dealt with people in your situation. I do understand your fears about keeping up appearances as a man (I don't think you should be ashamed but I do understand sexist attitudes like that are still a big problem in society), and how she may turn things on you, but to me, these are just more signs of abuse in the relationship. Emotional abuse to be exact. Lack, or loss, of trust as well. She's physically attacking you, and wishing you dead, and that is not something that someone who loves you does. If she won't look at her behaviour and address it, then you will have to make a decisions for her since this situation is not okay or fair on the family in general. I also agree with Bolletje that you should really involve the police. Best wishes, and hope you are safe.

She is a very convincing liar. If you met her in the supermarket you would think she is the most lovely polite person you have ever met. She says that nobody will ever take my word over hers and that if we ever went to court she'd win because no court would give me custody of my daughter because of my Autism and job with antisocial hours. So it seems I'm stuck. Incidentally, she has a massive hang up about the Police because my ex girlfriend before I met L was a Police Officer and L constantly accuses me of still fancying her and every time we see a female cop she accuses me of having probably slept with her, if we're watching something on TV about the Police then I get accused of only watching it in case my ex is on it or watching it cos I fancy someone on it. So if I ever went to the Police she'd accuse me of sleeping with a cop or seeing my ex

 

[Highway Cowboy]

Actions have consequences.
L is learning nothing but each time she’s ‘on one’ she can use you as a punch bag.

Police involvement will:
1) show L the reality of her behaviour and that she can’t hit out every time she feels like it.
2) very likely highlight that more than fluoxetine is needed at the moment.

Is your daughter safe?
Is L physically assaulting or verbally abusing your daughter?

I would never let anything ever happen to my daughter. But it does worry me about her overhearing what her mother is saying when she is "on one"

 

[Highway Cowboy]

You need to go to the hospital and have injuries documented every single time. You need to call the police and fill out a report on her EVERY single time. You need to document and call police every time she destroys your property. You need to call domestic iolence hotline every single time there is ANY physical, verbal, or mental abuse. By calling the hotline, they will have potential resources for you in your region. Do NOT let this abuse continue! Do NOT “keep it secret!”

I worked with incarcerated men for a year in a prison setting as I worked in the mental health field. There were some who went to jail because they never documented their own abuse from a wife for the very same reasons you state. They are now felons for the rest of their life. They were shamed, afraid of being laughed at, and of the police ignoring them. What happened was that one day the abused husband could no longer “take it.” And went off on the wife, who immediately called police and he went to jail!!!!! Or he accidentally killed her. True.

I also worked at an agency (different job) where I worked with court-mandated men who had to get domestic violence counseling. Some also had finally gotten sick of their wife abusing them and they beat her up. They paid the price by going to jail, paying tens of thousands of dollars in legal costs, lost work time (jail), and mandatory remedial domestic violence education. All because they FELT the way you do. You cannot get out of this situation by ignoring it.

I cannot stress enough: please please please get help before she maims or kills you, or you retaliate out of self defense. Please know, that every abused person believes that “it must be my own fault,” and believe they should just keep quiet and figure it out. You are NOT at fault! You cannot figure this out on your own!
Please call a regular domestic violence hotline....even those that deal with women, will be trained enough to understand it happens to men far more then society is willing to admit. Please start taking photos of everything, and make copies that are stored in a safe place she cannot find. Because the abuse WILL continue to escalate.... and you will need all that documentation.

Your wife might need to be arrested, and subsequently hospitalized. You might think to separate or divorce so start thinking about that. You might start looking for a lawyer as well. I know this all sounds overwhelming. Keep in touch, and best wishes to you. Stay safe!

Thanks Mary Anne, I am thinking of going to my GP Doctor and mentioning it to him, that way I have it on record and hopefully he will suggest something practical I can do. Going to the police worries me because there's no going back then

 

[Judge]

Thanks Mary Anne, I am thinking of going to my GP Doctor and mentioning it to him, that way I have it on record and hopefully he will suggest something practical I can do. Going to the police worries me because there's no going back then

HC, unfortunately it sounds like the sort of problem that has gone beyond the stage of mental health considerations and into the realm of civil and criminal legal action to consider. My condolences.

 

[AO1501]

I was the victim of domestic abuse also. My then-wife was schizophrenic and off her medications. She also abused our daughters. Absolutely nobody took it seriously, and she simply lied, and made up stories about how she was just defending herself against us because we were mentally unstable and violent. That she was the victim of abuse. She was believed.

You have to document everything. Photos of injuries, a running log of 'events' and a description of what happened and what was said. Visit your doctor to get a dialog with him/her going so your abuse is on record, and visit the doctor or ER to document any injuries. Your doctor may refer you to counseling or therapy, and if so, follow through on that and talk openly about what is happening. If anyone else witnesses any abuse (neighbours hearing through the wall for example), ask them if you can use them to help build sufficient evidence.

The only reason that being a male victim of domestic abuse is not taken seriously is because victims don't talk about it or report it. So the more evidence you have, the longer the paper trail of incidents and witnesses, of doctor visits and photos, the better your chances of being taken seriously when you report it to the police.

In my case both my daughters ran away from home, and then with no-one else there, miraculously so did my wife. She went to the other end of the country and got a place in a shelter for domestic abuse victims, after telling them I had beaten her regularly for years. Then she called me and said she missed me.

 

[Otenba]

She is a very convincing liar. If you met her in the supermarket you would think she is the most lovely polite person you have ever met. She says that nobody will ever take my word over hers and that if we ever went to court she'd win because no court would give me custody of my daughter because of my Autism and job with antisocial hours. So it seems I'm stuck. Incidentally, she has a massive hang up about the Police because my ex girlfriend before I met L was a Police Officer and L constantly accuses me of still fancying her and every time we see a female cop she accuses me of having probably slept with her, if we're watching something on TV about the Police then I get accused of only watching it in case my ex is on it or watching it cos I fancy someone on it. So if I ever went to the Police she'd accuse me of sleeping with a cop or seeing my ex

She sounds like someone who is possibly on the narcissism spectrum who is seriously manipulating you. If you don't reach out for help, it won't come.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I was the victim of domestic abuse also. My then-wife was schizophrenic and off her medications. She also abused our daughters. Absolutely nobody took it seriously, and she simply lied, and made up stories about how she was just defending herself against us because we were mentally unstable and violent. That she was the victim of abuse. She was believed.

You have to document everything. Photos of injuries, a running log of 'events' and a description of what happened and what was said. Visit your doctor to get a dialog with him/her going so your abuse is on record, and visit the doctor or ER to document any injuries. Your doctor may refer you to counseling or therapy, and if so, follow through on that and talk openly about what is happening. If anyone else witnesses any abuse (neighbours hearing through the wall for example), ask them if you can use them to help build sufficient evidence.

The only reason that being a male victim of domestic abuse is not taken seriously is because victims don't talk about it or report it. So the more evidence you have, the longer the paper trail of incidents and witnesses, of doctor visits and photos, the better your chances of being taken seriously when you report it to the police.

In my case both my daughters ran away from home, and then with no-one else there, miraculously so did my wife. She went to the other end of the country and got a place in a shelter for domestic abuse victims, after telling them I had beaten her regularly for years. Then she called me and said she missed me.

And keep it secret till the evidence is there and hard to dispute.

 

[Mary Anne]

I doubt it is your fault.

What have you documented to represent the abuse?

Otherwise it's hearsay. Police with backwards attitudes are easily swayed by a manipulator especially when it falls in with their existing prejudice.

1. Document and diarise conversation from now onwards.
2. Use diaro or some other software that is passworded.
3. This will give you a larger grounding to look back and fill in a wider picture.
4. This will give you confidence in your position
5. It will also help!you see trigger points and help you take a step back meaning your responses may change in the heat of the moment.
6. Take your time with it. Keep it secret.

Just an idea,to start,hopefully others have more.

Thanks Mary Anne, I am thinking of going to my GP Doctor and mentioning it to him, that way I have it on record and hopefully he will suggest something practical I can do. Going to the police worries me because there's no going back then

“Something practical?” I worked with with domestic violence, and you did not read anything “practical” in what I said???? What on earth could your GP suggest that someone who works with domestic violence (and men who survived abuse from wives) could not? Frankly this response is unsettling. How is a GP knowledgeable in this topic? The GP can set your arm after she breaks it, but they are not trained in domestic violence issues, any more then a priest is (though many go to clergy for “help” too).

Google “male domestic violence survivor stories” and read about all the world wide abuse suffered by men, done by women. All of the men I worked with were masculine, tough, even some were self-called “red necks” (construction workers, truck drivers, and hard working individuals) who felt the way you do, and just let the abuse go on for too long and too hard.

 

[Highway Cowboy]

I was the victim of domestic abuse also. My then-wife was schizophrenic and off her medications. She also abused our daughters. Absolutely nobody took it seriously, and she simply lied, and made up stories about how she was just defending herself against us because we were mentally unstable and violent. That she was the victim of abuse. She was believed.

You have to document everything. Photos of injuries, a running log of 'events' and a description of what happened and what was said. Visit your doctor to get a dialog with him/her going so your abuse is on record, and visit the doctor or ER to document any injuries. Your doctor may refer you to counseling or therapy, and if so, follow through on that and talk openly about what is happening. If anyone else witnesses any abuse (neighbours hearing through the wall for example), ask them if you can use them to help build sufficient evidence.

The only reason that being a male victim of domestic abuse is not taken seriously is because victims don't talk about it or report it. So the more evidence you have, the longer the paper trail of incidents and witnesses, of doctor visits and photos, the better your chances of being taken seriously when you report it to the police.

In my case both my daughters ran away from home, and then with no-one else there, miraculously so did my wife. She went to the other end of the country and got a place in a shelter for domestic abuse victims, after telling them I had beaten her regularly for years. Then she called me and said she missed me.

That's what worries me ,she's 5 ft 4in and slightly built, I'm a 6ft 15 stone trucker. She can be a very convincing liar and would twist it so that she would be believed by the authorities and suddenly me as the victim would be seen as the aggressor even though I have just sat and taken it like a sponge for the past 11 years.
I'm happy to hear that you have eventually managed to escape from your situation

 

[Highway Cowboy]

“Something practical?” I worked with with domestic violence, and you did not read anything “practical” in what I said???? What on earth could your GP suggest that someone who works with domestic violence (and men who survived abuse from wives) could not? Frankly this response is unsettling. How is a GP knowledgeable in this topic? The GP can set your arm after she breaks it, but they are not trained in domestic violence issues, any more then a priest is (though many go to clergy for “help” too).

Google “male domestic violence survivor stories” and read about all the world wide abuse suffered by men, done by women. All of the men I worked with were masculine, tough, even some were self-called “red necks” (construction workers, truck drivers, and hard working individuals) who felt the way you do, and just let the abuse go on for too long and too hard.

Sorry I didn't mean to offend you and believe me I am very grateful for your help and that you have taken the time to reply to me.
I just meant that actually sitting in front of my GP face to face unburdening myself and he might have a local organisation he can refer me to or recommend

 

[Streetwise]

Sorry I didn't mean to offend you and believe me I am very grateful for your help and that you have taken the time to reply to me.
I just meant that actually sitting in front of my GP face to face unburdening myself and he might have a local organisation he can refer me to or recommend

heres an organisation in the UK and email info@men'sadviceline.org.uk there is a phone number but it's only Monday to Friday not much use of your battered Saturday or Sunday
here is the number it's Freephone (0808) 801 0327

 

[Highway Cowboy]

“Something practical?” I worked with with domestic violence, and you did not read anything “practical” in what I said???? What on earth could your GP suggest that someone who works with domestic violence (and men who survived abuse from wives) could not? Frankly this response is unsettling. How is a GP knowledgeable in this topic? The GP can set your arm after she breaks it, but they are not trained in domestic violence issues, any more then a priest is (though many go to clergy for “help” too).

Google “male domestic violence survivor stories” and read about all the world wide abuse suffered by men, done by women. All of the men I worked with were masculine, tough, even some were self-called “red necks” (construction workers, truck drivers, and hard working individuals) who felt the way you do, and just let the abuse go on for too long and too hard.

I do nothing to deserve it. I'm not saying I'm a Saint, but I work hard as a truck driver, I don't drink or take drugs, I don't get in trouble with the police, I pay all the bills on time and am a good loving husband and father and I am a decent person.
When you're constantly being told every day for 11 years that you're a worthless piece of crap and how she'd be happy when I'm dead then you kind of start to believe it don't you