jacinto
Jasoid
...yes and there's nothing hot about it at all.
I really have a problem. I can't sleep at all, can't think straight, can't eat. I've indulged myself and taken refuge in the comforting idea of suicide, as I sometimes do. I won't bother with even the pretense of stoicism, I admit I've even been brought to tears several times in the last few days thinking about it.
As usual, there doesn't seem to be any precedent in all of history to which I might refer for guidance as to what I should do. Certainly no one I know would have a similar problem in their own lives - it simply would not happen. No, this is one of those wonderful little issues reserved especially for me and the amusement of the gods. But maybe some of you who are smarter or more adaptable than me have indeed been in exactly the same kind of situations, and know techniques that might help me.
I have a steady job now, for the first time in many years. I work as a fry cook at a restaurant, where, through great perseverance, and no small amount of patience on my manager's part, I've actually managed to learn my job fairly well. When I applied for it I asked to be a cook to limit contact with people, but thought it wise to omit any talk of conditions or diagnoses.
There have been a lot of embarrassing failures and mishaps that at first caused me great anguish and a general dread of being there always looming over me. But I'm determined to succeed at this, and after months of unrecognized, above-and-beyond type labor, I have won a minuscule concession of respect. Believe it or not, holding a part-time job for four months is a great victory for me.
One of my coworkers is a diminutive and petite high school girl who has what at first seemed to me an endearing tendency to boss other employees around as if they were her subordinates, even though she isn't in any position of authority over them. She's not even an assistant manager, and hasn't been working there long enough for the implied status of seniority. Her and I had little interaction because I work in the kitchen, and she in the front at the counter - but also because I have to keep my distance from people as a policy (anyone looking for someone to appreciate their "weather talk" will walk away strangely unfulfilled. I'm not rude, but choose my words carefully. I'll even go so far as to feign interest - I mean, I want to be liked, but I already know every relationship I have is doomed. They think I'm aloof, but the truth is that it matters too much to me).
On occasions when this girl would talk in the same way to me I got a kick out of saying, "Yes Ma'am!" Not sarcastically...just like, totally down with feminism. And girls should be spoiled and willful.
Anyway, there's a technical rule that kitchen workers are not supposed to be in the front. But after a few days it was obvious nobody paid attention to it. It's unenforceable, just in doing my job I have to go up there several times a shift. We have to date the food, for example, and that's where the pens are.
It's also the only place to get a drink when you're thirsty. Everyone does this, and I've done it probably every day that I've been there. Even when the actual hard-ass manager - who finds fault with everything - is there. It's absurd not to, it's hot in the kitchen and I work hard. At first I'd ask the workers to get me one, but it's fast-food so everyone's busy. I even asked the chick I'm talking about once, and she said, "It's fine you can just come up and get it if you want."
Yesterday when I took a quick break to grab a drink, she stopped serving the customer at the drive through, and whirled around and said, "Hey you need to get back there right now." I thought she was being playful so I tried to joke with her by saying, "You're not the boss of me!" Like kids do, you know? Then she yelled - loudly and clearly NOT joking, pointing to the back, "You get your ass back in there right NOW!" This made me angry, and I'm afraid I did a very childish thing then by lazily leaning against the counter sipping my drink, because I didn't have any better ideas. I couldn't very well just obey her at that point, I'm a grown man.
Then the most absurd thing, I glanced at the assistant manager thinking she'd tell her to stop worrying about what I was doing and do her own job, but instead she looks at me and says, "Y'all don't argue in front of the customers please."
The whole rest of the shift she persecuted me relentlessly, watching me through the camera on the monitors they have. I bring an extra shirt to change into if I get soaked from dishes or grease, and when I went into the back room when nobody was there to quickly change into it I could hear her screaming, "oh my God he's back there changing clothes, that's disgusting!"
She did a lot of other things I'm too humiliated to admit right now. Making me look ridiculous, etc. When she finally left I asked the Asst. manager why she was so mean, and her response was that she was some kind of R.O.T.C. dorm-leader-I-don't-know at her high school where she was "in charge of all the other girls" as if that made it completely reasonable for her to act the same way toward people she doesn't even know at work.
It may be hard to understand why I am so messed up about it. I just am, let's just leave it at that. I am dying inside. I might start using drugs again. If it were a guy doing this I'd eventually say something that would show some grit and he'd respect that. But I have no defense against this, and she well knows it too.
I cannot run from this, or I will always be running for the rest of my life. Because even if I quit and go find another job somewhere else, there'll be someone just like her there, too. Likewise, if I were an adept manipulator without standards and were somehow able to get her fired, life would speedily supply a a replacement that's just as bad or even worse. I swear, this is the exact same person that has always tormented me but with a different face. No matter where I go, if there are people there one of them will focus on me and proceed to go to extraordinary lengths to convey, with unmistakable clarity, an extraordinary malice that can't possibly have any rational origin. It doesn't seem to matter that I haven't said or done anything to them that might justify it. I have watched this phenomenon unfold in exactly the same way so many times that I could probably plot some kind of flowchart or graph describing each step of the process in minute detail. For instance, the next phase of this highly choreographed routine will be the launching of an extensive campaign against me as she goes from person to person at work, expressing her dislike and hoping to elicit the same in the other and recruit them. If successful - and she will be - the bond between them will be galvanized and whenever one is able to attack me in some way it'll be echoed by instant verbal approval or appreciative laughter from the other - within earshot of me if possible. They might coordinate elaborate little schemes in secret, such as sabotaging my work area after I leave so that the boss thinks I left it in disarray. They'll be quick to emphasize any of my failures and moderate my successes - the everyday, minor, trivial things that for me are milestones of accomplishment.
In the past when this has happened, I've tried being very polite and going out of my way to accommodate them. This only encourages them. I've tried going to them with complete humility and saying sincerely that I was very sorry if I'd insulted them in any way, that I'm sometimes thoughtless about how my actions affect others. This doesn't work either, I think to them it appears contemptuously weak. I have even on rare occasions, been so desperate that I've just openly told them I had a slight form of autism called Asperger's, etc, etc...which is invariably met with a blank, uncomprehending stare - they don't know what Asperger's is, they don't care, and you're not getting off that easy (this is where I'm a victim of my own camouflaging and mimicry game - although it can't be maintained indefinitely, in the short-term I've gotten so convincing that I've completely sold it to them and everyone else that I'm just like they are...and now I'm in way over my head).
Thank you so much if you've taken the time to read this and can give me some advice. I am so tired of being put down. Tired of fighting a battle I cannot win because my hands are tied. Tired of being misunderstood, of being alone, of hating myself for not having complete mastery over what happens to me the way everyone else does. Tired of everything, really.
**********************************************************************
Every girlfriend I've ever had, when we first meet: "You are sooooo smart!"
Every girlfriend I've ever had, a few months later: "Are you retarded? What is wrong with you?"
**********************************************************************
I really have a problem. I can't sleep at all, can't think straight, can't eat. I've indulged myself and taken refuge in the comforting idea of suicide, as I sometimes do. I won't bother with even the pretense of stoicism, I admit I've even been brought to tears several times in the last few days thinking about it.
As usual, there doesn't seem to be any precedent in all of history to which I might refer for guidance as to what I should do. Certainly no one I know would have a similar problem in their own lives - it simply would not happen. No, this is one of those wonderful little issues reserved especially for me and the amusement of the gods. But maybe some of you who are smarter or more adaptable than me have indeed been in exactly the same kind of situations, and know techniques that might help me.
I have a steady job now, for the first time in many years. I work as a fry cook at a restaurant, where, through great perseverance, and no small amount of patience on my manager's part, I've actually managed to learn my job fairly well. When I applied for it I asked to be a cook to limit contact with people, but thought it wise to omit any talk of conditions or diagnoses.
There have been a lot of embarrassing failures and mishaps that at first caused me great anguish and a general dread of being there always looming over me. But I'm determined to succeed at this, and after months of unrecognized, above-and-beyond type labor, I have won a minuscule concession of respect. Believe it or not, holding a part-time job for four months is a great victory for me.
One of my coworkers is a diminutive and petite high school girl who has what at first seemed to me an endearing tendency to boss other employees around as if they were her subordinates, even though she isn't in any position of authority over them. She's not even an assistant manager, and hasn't been working there long enough for the implied status of seniority. Her and I had little interaction because I work in the kitchen, and she in the front at the counter - but also because I have to keep my distance from people as a policy (anyone looking for someone to appreciate their "weather talk" will walk away strangely unfulfilled. I'm not rude, but choose my words carefully. I'll even go so far as to feign interest - I mean, I want to be liked, but I already know every relationship I have is doomed. They think I'm aloof, but the truth is that it matters too much to me).
On occasions when this girl would talk in the same way to me I got a kick out of saying, "Yes Ma'am!" Not sarcastically...just like, totally down with feminism. And girls should be spoiled and willful.
Anyway, there's a technical rule that kitchen workers are not supposed to be in the front. But after a few days it was obvious nobody paid attention to it. It's unenforceable, just in doing my job I have to go up there several times a shift. We have to date the food, for example, and that's where the pens are.
It's also the only place to get a drink when you're thirsty. Everyone does this, and I've done it probably every day that I've been there. Even when the actual hard-ass manager - who finds fault with everything - is there. It's absurd not to, it's hot in the kitchen and I work hard. At first I'd ask the workers to get me one, but it's fast-food so everyone's busy. I even asked the chick I'm talking about once, and she said, "It's fine you can just come up and get it if you want."
Yesterday when I took a quick break to grab a drink, she stopped serving the customer at the drive through, and whirled around and said, "Hey you need to get back there right now." I thought she was being playful so I tried to joke with her by saying, "You're not the boss of me!" Like kids do, you know? Then she yelled - loudly and clearly NOT joking, pointing to the back, "You get your ass back in there right NOW!" This made me angry, and I'm afraid I did a very childish thing then by lazily leaning against the counter sipping my drink, because I didn't have any better ideas. I couldn't very well just obey her at that point, I'm a grown man.
Then the most absurd thing, I glanced at the assistant manager thinking she'd tell her to stop worrying about what I was doing and do her own job, but instead she looks at me and says, "Y'all don't argue in front of the customers please."
The whole rest of the shift she persecuted me relentlessly, watching me through the camera on the monitors they have. I bring an extra shirt to change into if I get soaked from dishes or grease, and when I went into the back room when nobody was there to quickly change into it I could hear her screaming, "oh my God he's back there changing clothes, that's disgusting!"
She did a lot of other things I'm too humiliated to admit right now. Making me look ridiculous, etc. When she finally left I asked the Asst. manager why she was so mean, and her response was that she was some kind of R.O.T.C. dorm-leader-I-don't-know at her high school where she was "in charge of all the other girls" as if that made it completely reasonable for her to act the same way toward people she doesn't even know at work.
It may be hard to understand why I am so messed up about it. I just am, let's just leave it at that. I am dying inside. I might start using drugs again. If it were a guy doing this I'd eventually say something that would show some grit and he'd respect that. But I have no defense against this, and she well knows it too.
I cannot run from this, or I will always be running for the rest of my life. Because even if I quit and go find another job somewhere else, there'll be someone just like her there, too. Likewise, if I were an adept manipulator without standards and were somehow able to get her fired, life would speedily supply a a replacement that's just as bad or even worse. I swear, this is the exact same person that has always tormented me but with a different face. No matter where I go, if there are people there one of them will focus on me and proceed to go to extraordinary lengths to convey, with unmistakable clarity, an extraordinary malice that can't possibly have any rational origin. It doesn't seem to matter that I haven't said or done anything to them that might justify it. I have watched this phenomenon unfold in exactly the same way so many times that I could probably plot some kind of flowchart or graph describing each step of the process in minute detail. For instance, the next phase of this highly choreographed routine will be the launching of an extensive campaign against me as she goes from person to person at work, expressing her dislike and hoping to elicit the same in the other and recruit them. If successful - and she will be - the bond between them will be galvanized and whenever one is able to attack me in some way it'll be echoed by instant verbal approval or appreciative laughter from the other - within earshot of me if possible. They might coordinate elaborate little schemes in secret, such as sabotaging my work area after I leave so that the boss thinks I left it in disarray. They'll be quick to emphasize any of my failures and moderate my successes - the everyday, minor, trivial things that for me are milestones of accomplishment.
In the past when this has happened, I've tried being very polite and going out of my way to accommodate them. This only encourages them. I've tried going to them with complete humility and saying sincerely that I was very sorry if I'd insulted them in any way, that I'm sometimes thoughtless about how my actions affect others. This doesn't work either, I think to them it appears contemptuously weak. I have even on rare occasions, been so desperate that I've just openly told them I had a slight form of autism called Asperger's, etc, etc...which is invariably met with a blank, uncomprehending stare - they don't know what Asperger's is, they don't care, and you're not getting off that easy (this is where I'm a victim of my own camouflaging and mimicry game - although it can't be maintained indefinitely, in the short-term I've gotten so convincing that I've completely sold it to them and everyone else that I'm just like they are...and now I'm in way over my head).
Thank you so much if you've taken the time to read this and can give me some advice. I am so tired of being put down. Tired of fighting a battle I cannot win because my hands are tied. Tired of being misunderstood, of being alone, of hating myself for not having complete mastery over what happens to me the way everyone else does. Tired of everything, really.
**********************************************************************
Every girlfriend I've ever had, when we first meet: "You are sooooo smart!"
Every girlfriend I've ever had, a few months later: "Are you retarded? What is wrong with you?"
**********************************************************************
