Broke up?

[Patrice]

I (31F) have been together with my bf (36M) for 3 and a half years. Things were great for a few years in but slowly started to basically dwindle down to a friendship. We haven't been intimate in almost a year and latterly I've found out he's been "taking care of himself" I told him I didn't want him doing that if we were being intimate.

So today he told me he didn't want to be with me (specifically he didn't want to be with anyone). When I talked about what we were going to do he said me and my son were welcomed to live here still.

After discussing details everything is staying the same except we aren't going to be together ( no intimacy kissing etc) I'm not worried about him being with someone else. He was single for 11 years before dating me. He just says dating isn't for him. I said I would move out but he said no.

Do you think we would ever get back together or once it's done it's done ? I'm afraid I pushed him away.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

Why would you want to be with someone who isn't interested in having a relationship with you? Feeling that you pushed him away is one way of viewing the relationship. Another way to look at it is that you each wanted different things from this relationship so both your motives for keeping it going couldn't be fulfilled.

If you are interested in relationships (unlike your ex), I recommend moving out (if feasible) as you are more likely to find another partner if you aren't still living with your ex. I am a bit confused by your sentence "I said I would move out but he said no". Do you mean that he isn't letting you move out, or merely that you don't have to for his sake? If it's the former, well, you are friends so he doesn't have any authority to tell you what to do with your life. If it's the latter, he is probably trying to show that he doesn't have ill will towards you, and is likely genuine with his offer, but again, what you do end up doing is your choice.

Do you think we would ever get back together or once it's done it's done?

I have no idea whether you'll get back together. Nothing is an impossibility (except for what's literally impossible), but though it could happen, I wouldn't recommend making future choices for yourself on the assumption that you'll find a 5 million $ check under your sofa cushion. Clarification: It's irrelevant whether it's a possibility that you two get back together (and impossible to know). If it happens, it happens, but it does not seem wise to make decisions based on a wish rather than your current reality.

My mother broke up with her boyfriend of 2 years, yet they still meet up regularly and he acts like a second father for my siblings (who he has not fathered). Just because you are not romantically involved with someone does not mean that you can't care about them.

For other responders: I searched through Patrice's threads, and her ex likely has autism.

 

[Tom]

Just copying and pasting the response I gave you 3 years ago. Not exactly the same situation but still the same impossibility of reading his mind or interpreting his words/actions as meaning anything other then what they appear to be. That and now please make check out to Mysterion Termite Mediation Inc.

Mysterio the All Seeing says.... Maybe

That will be 50 bucks. Please make checks out to Mysterio Plumbing and Heating.

Seriously, there is nothing obviously autistic to decode in his statement. If it was something like he hates parties or just wants to talk about one subject I might be able to shed some light. But his statement of ambivalence might be said by anyone, whether neurotypical or on the spectrum.

 

[Thinx]

It depends on what you want. Relationships differ. I don't actually think it's very unusual for people who don't have sex to want to be in a close relationship. Love Actually is a good film to get our heads around this concept. Look at the varied situations there.

But if intimacy does mean sex included, for you, this may be a deal breaker?

 

[Alaric593]

I (31F) have been together with my bf (36M) for 3 and a half years. Things were great for a few years in but slowly started to basically dwindle down to a friendship. We haven't been intimate in almost a year and latterly I've found out he's been "taking care of himself" I told him I didn't want him doing that if we were being intimate.

So today he told me he didn't want to be with me (specifically he didn't want to be with anyone). When I talked about what we were going to do he said me and my son were welcomed to live here still.

After discussing details everything is staying the same except we aren't going to be together ( no intimacy kissing etc) I'm not worried about him being with someone else. He was single for 11 years before dating me. He just says dating isn't for him. I said I would move out but he said no.

Do you think we would ever get back together or once it's done it's done ? I'm afraid I pushed him away.

I agree with @Thinx.

Sometimes people are just not compatible for x number of reasons and there's no real blame or ill will to be had.

My sister and her ex husband dated from the time they were 14 and divorced at 34. They had my nephew. They are abnormally close in comparison to most divorced couples. He even takes my other nephews, her twin boys, with him and their son all the time fishing, hunting, and vacations. If one didn't know them, they wouldn't be able to discern they were divorced. They're just loving friends to each other. My sister wouldn't even take child support from him. He had to pay it because the government forced it, but she gave it back to him when she received it because it was unnecessary to her. He took care of his child, the government just wanted their vig and forced him against her demands.

I'm still friendly with all but one ex and my wife is friendly with them as well. We're not hanging out often but we do and they call and I call on occasions.

Him making it clear you don't have to leave on his account shows he is sincere in caring for you and your child. But if you need more, then you should move out when able. I wouldn't suggest rushing out the door but rather taking your time to set you and your son properly because there's no fire to run away from here.

He sounds like a stand up guy even if no one can tell you the future about the relationship.

 

[Slime_Punk]

If it's a case of #dead bedrooms, there are support groups for this type of thing. Just mentioning this because a lot of people think they're alone when they're dealing with this, but some claim to have rekindled their relationship after a rough patch in that department.

 

[Sweet potato]

The fact he says he doesn't want to be with anyone and was single for so long before sounds to me that he may be asexual and still enjoys the romantic side of the relationship and still cares about you but just doesn't feel sexual attraction. In which case its for you to decide how much that aspect of the relationship means to you. Just speculating though it's something you'd need to talk to him openly about to realy understand.

 

[Rodafina]

Do you think we would ever get back together or once it's done it's done ?

Well, this part is done, it sounds like. Whatever sort of relationship you both figure out going forward will probably need to be a new thing because the old thing didn’t work. So maybe there is no going back, and maybe that is a really good thing.

I feel like I can relate to your situation with what I think of as a couple of slow motion, ill-defined break ups. Sometimes, slowly taking steps to dismantle an intimate relationship and turn it into something new can work. Then again, sometimes it just doesn’t.