• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Boyfriend broke up with me...Advice?

AskingAdvice

New Member
My ex of one month is diagnosed with high functioning Aspergers. He's 47 and I'm 43. Both of our spouses died several years ago from suicide and we started being friends then dating. He has a son that is almost 5. His mother is incredibly controlling and basically runs every aspect of his life. We started living together about a year and a half ago and have been together for 3.5 years.

I took care of him and his son and did everything for them. Everything, he grew up with money so he was used to being waited on and things being done for him, so I filled that role. He pushed most of his existing friends out of his life. Because of his wife's suicide he had little to do with his son for most of the first couple of years we were together. There was a older nanny involved that created stress for him and was ultimately fired. Since then, I have cared for the child as though he was my own and losing him from my life and vice versa is unimaginable.

We started having problems because I don't think his mom wanted him to be in a serious relationship. There was a lot of stress. From the beginning she didn't approve of me but there was a time last year she was approving and actually nice to me. Last fall she started intervening heavily because the son started calling me mom and this was offensive to her and my boyfriend started pulling away. He took space a couple of times and he said our communication was bad. We always resolved (mostly because I suggested) it and worked it out but then things would come up again. He said our communication was bad if I said anything negative or controversial or things he didn't want to talk about. I could've been gentler in my approach many times.

A month ago he bought a house in a different city and didn't tell me until I found out and asked him. We had been planning all along to move together to the new city - I even found the house he bought and showed it to him as we were looking for a new place. He said he didn't see a future for us after he looked at the new house. We decided to give things a week, then two weeks, then one month. But I never got the opinion his heart was in working it out. He would say things like he loved me but was no longer in love with me.

I think his mom was talking to him the whole time because she would send him these awful texts about me and how he would be so happy in the new house.... We broke up and I moved out. But he says himself he's "wishy washy" and changes his mind often. He plans to move over the next year. He says he needs to figure out things for himself and is empowered (a word he would never use, probably his moms) to do for himself now. Although he has a new housekeeper and a babysitter that we had.

I've lost my family and my entire life. I've only seen his son 4 times in the last month. His mom has controlled that a lot. She's even come to stay with him for a period. I've tried to communicate with her and even apologized for things (but I didn't really do anything wrong to her - I took care of her also).

I suggested couples counseling which he was ok with then not (prob mom again) because he said he didn't want to be boyfriend/girlfriend. We have gone from talking multiple times a day - I would listen to all of his problems and be his sounding board for everything, no almost no talking. Although two days ago, we spent time together with his son (I asked if I could see the child) and talked like old times for a while which was amazing. But I haven't heard from him since. I texted him a thank you for the visit and he didn't respond.

How do I communicate with him now about our relationship? He doesn't want to talk about it much if at all. I've written him a letter and tried to talk with him. He's open to me seeing the child periodically. Is there a chance he will change his mind after a period of time?

What do I do in order to reconcile our relationship? Should I give him space or try to keep lines of communication open? I am devastated and would do anything to fix this - I am in therapy myself working on the things I know I did wrong and to be a better partner for him. Can this be saved at all?
 
Last edited:
This is very sad. I do not know the answer.

It was wrong of him to use you and keep you in the dark. If you can see the child, please do. Focus on healing that little guy. Imagine! His mom suicides and his dad left him to others. If you support the little tyke, you will be doing a bigger favour than trying to get a confused man who had a dear woman loving him to love you back.

You WILL find a good person because YOU are a good person.

I know the man is hurting so I can not say he is not a good person, but you really went out of your way.

Try to love that kid. The first 5 years are CRUCIAL CRUCIAL CRUCIAL!! Please try to help little fellow heal. Be nice to the man, be kind, be open. But guard your heart and spill it into the kid.
 
I think this is maybe beyond the scope of peer to peer support.

Its a dangerous situation, i would be very careful of the elder female, it sounds like a high level manipulator.

Perhaps you could unroll this one to a professional councilor?
 
It is probably not salvageable. Best to you to move yourself away and find another less unstable partner. You can do this.

Unless you are okay with devoting your life to a family group that doesn’t support you nor allow your participation.

If that’s the case, & you don’t mind being a minor satellite, then perhaps meditation &/or learning martial arts for the mental discipline would help.

These messes are best dealt with decisively as I have painfully found.
 
If you can bring yourself to do it, start viewing yourself as single. You've been dumped, pretty definitively. So the proper question is not "how can we reconcile" but instead, "How can I arrange periodic get-togethers with the son?" View it as a divorce. You won't have any say over the child's upbringing, but you can still be a constant in his life.

I do agree with you that your ex's mother is causing a lot of problems. But you can't really do much about that. If your ex had demonstrated better boundaries towards her, he could hope for happier marital relations, but as it is, Mama gets to keep her son and her grandson until death do them part. I hate that.
 
I will give you the practical approach. Give up on this you won't win. Just because he has autism doesn't excuse what he did. I understand you got frustrated and said things you regret but I can't imagine they would be that bad if his son is calling you mom and you bonded with that child. That alone would make me work things out with you. Money isn't an issue either in this case.

You might just have a case of a person who grew up rich getting what he gets. He doesn't have the skills to understand that relationships aren't perfect. If he doesn't want to talk to you there is nothing you can do about it. You can't force love. He needs to find this in his own.

It is a real ****** situation. Someone takes care of my child to the point they love them? I am never giving up on that person. But his view of the world isn't this. You have my sympathy on this situation.

He can only fix himself. You can't fix him. This is going to be difficult for you but you need to accept it and let go. If his mother doesn't see what a good influence is on her grandchild that is a problem. It might signify that he is a damaged person from his mother. So sorry. I feel for you.

Start looking elsewhere is what I would do. If he came back putting forth maximum effort I would evaluate him and his mother then make a decision if this is a healthy relationship for me to be in... I am a man trying to think like a woman.
 
Firstly, I'm sorry about your situation. It does sound awful.

I would suggest though that it sounds like it's time to move on. You can't fix a relationship when only one of you is even trying.
This sounds definitively like a situation where the more you try to hold on, the more distant things will become, and the more pain you will then be inflicting on yourself.

It's time to focus on your own healing, I would say.
 
I'm sorry. As others have noted, I think his condition may not be as significant a factor as the fact that he is quite likely financially dependent on his mother, and therefore she calls the shots, and unless you can win her over, there might not be much you can do.
 
Wow, normally I don't read posts like these, because they are usually accusatory and have a poor me vibe. But after reading your story I can sort of understand how you feel. I can imagine your world is turned upside down right now.

As far as the mother goes, it's up to him to sever ties with her. I'm also on the spectrum and had to sever ties with my own for similar reasons. It was one of the best decisions I've made in a long time. A lot of us though, tend to cling to our parents even when the relationship is toxic. It creates a codependent situation. (Which it kind of sounds like you were in with him).

It must be torture not to see his child much anymore. I feel for you for that as well.

I'm also sorry about both of your spouses.
 
Sorry but you ended up with a controlled momma’s boy it sounds like. I’m not a doctor, but a guess would be she’s a narcissist and she has him trained to do her beckoning- you will only get in the way of her control, seeing the little one call you Mom just hit her in the face how you already are a part of the fam and she must act! I really feel sorry for the kid. This guy prolly has no idea how much control she has and what is taking place, she’s trained him since a child to do her will and at this age...well I’d guess it would take years of therapy for him to even see it.

Personally, I’d move on. (((Hug)))

you will be okay, I didn’t meet my Mr. Wonderful until I was 55 and he was 57. He was worth the wait! :hearteyes:
 
I agree with the others that you should move on. I used to be married to someone who is like your ex, and at first, everything was fine. His mom was very controlling though, and tend to stress both me and my ex out. The first couple years in our marriage, we lived with his parents and it was stressful. While we did move out, he still communicated with his mom, who would often be critical to me.

It also didn't help that his bipolar disorder was poorly treated and would often have angry outbursts. His parents also would spoil him with many gifts that he seldom use anymore, as well as not put too much effort into properly feeding him (he ate mostly sweet things). I tried helping him with these things, but would refuse and yell at me for it.

He eventually filed for divorce, though I suspect that his mom may have talked him into doing that. I was sad about the divorce for about 3 months, but I did find new interests during that timeframe (mostly crafting things) and rediscovered past interests as well. Plus, I have a family who supported me during this rough period.

It takes time for a broken heart to heal, but I believe that you can get through this if you try. Do you have someone else you can talk to about this, like a relative or therapist, or write your feelings about this in a journal? I am asking because sometimes when I communicate or write things down, I find it very cathartic.
 
I think he really does have an affinity for you, but he chooses to live his mother's life even after you've earned you way so that he and you can live more independently. If he refuses to risk his co-dependent relationship with his mother, then he's basically "married" to his mother. I'm sorry you had to go through this, but time to look for better people when you're ready. You can still try to be platonic with him if you want and they are open to that, but I wouldn't go out of my way just to meet him etc.
 
I'm sorry for your situation. I can speak from personal experience related to my first marriage. You're not /were not in a relationship with him. You were in a relationship with him and his mother. Based on your description, he absolutely is still deeply connected to his manipulative and controlling mother in an unhealthy way. The only way that would change is if he establishes healthy adult boundaries with his mother and it doesn't sound like that will happen.

It was the same way with my ex and her parents (mainly her mother). My ex would not establish an adult independent relationship with her parents. She would talk to her mother up to a dozen times per day and most of her free time was spent doing things with her mom. I finally realized that it was never going to change and I had to either accept that I was going to live my life based on her mother's will and directives 100% or I was going to have to leave. I'm thankful that I made the tough decision to leave.

You may not see it this way now, but your breakup with him is likely a good thing in your case based on how you describe things.

Also, I don't think autism has much if anything to do with your situation. My ex was not autistic. Many NT people have or are part of dysfunctional, co-dependent and toxic relationships; statistically they'd make up the majority by a large margin.

I'd like to add that I remarried and have been married to an amazing woman (also NT) for twenty years. Unlike with my ex, my wife and I joined forces as a team, being there for each other. Neither of us allowed or succumbed to undue influence from controlling/manipulative parents.
 
Last edited:
Thank you everyone for your replies. It is very kind of everyone to take time and respond to me. My boyfriend and I have had some positive conversation. I'm learning so much about my mistakes and how to communicate better and also be a better partner. I will always be hopeful and pray everyday for our relationship. It's a tough situation that is really complicated on different levels. To have the supportive though of all these people that I don't know is just so kind. I'll keep the thread posted for *hopefully* good updates. Thank you again everyone.
 

New Threads

Top Bottom