AskingAdvice
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My ex of one month is diagnosed with high functioning Aspergers. He's 47 and I'm 43. Both of our spouses died several years ago from suicide and we started being friends then dating. He has a son that is almost 5. His mother is incredibly controlling and basically runs every aspect of his life. We started living together about a year and a half ago and have been together for 3.5 years.
I took care of him and his son and did everything for them. Everything, he grew up with money so he was used to being waited on and things being done for him, so I filled that role. He pushed most of his existing friends out of his life. Because of his wife's suicide he had little to do with his son for most of the first couple of years we were together. There was a older nanny involved that created stress for him and was ultimately fired. Since then, I have cared for the child as though he was my own and losing him from my life and vice versa is unimaginable.
We started having problems because I don't think his mom wanted him to be in a serious relationship. There was a lot of stress. From the beginning she didn't approve of me but there was a time last year she was approving and actually nice to me. Last fall she started intervening heavily because the son started calling me mom and this was offensive to her and my boyfriend started pulling away. He took space a couple of times and he said our communication was bad. We always resolved (mostly because I suggested) it and worked it out but then things would come up again. He said our communication was bad if I said anything negative or controversial or things he didn't want to talk about. I could've been gentler in my approach many times.
A month ago he bought a house in a different city and didn't tell me until I found out and asked him. We had been planning all along to move together to the new city - I even found the house he bought and showed it to him as we were looking for a new place. He said he didn't see a future for us after he looked at the new house. We decided to give things a week, then two weeks, then one month. But I never got the opinion his heart was in working it out. He would say things like he loved me but was no longer in love with me.
I think his mom was talking to him the whole time because she would send him these awful texts about me and how he would be so happy in the new house.... We broke up and I moved out. But he says himself he's "wishy washy" and changes his mind often. He plans to move over the next year. He says he needs to figure out things for himself and is empowered (a word he would never use, probably his moms) to do for himself now. Although he has a new housekeeper and a babysitter that we had.
I've lost my family and my entire life. I've only seen his son 4 times in the last month. His mom has controlled that a lot. She's even come to stay with him for a period. I've tried to communicate with her and even apologized for things (but I didn't really do anything wrong to her - I took care of her also).
I suggested couples counseling which he was ok with then not (prob mom again) because he said he didn't want to be boyfriend/girlfriend. We have gone from talking multiple times a day - I would listen to all of his problems and be his sounding board for everything, no almost no talking. Although two days ago, we spent time together with his son (I asked if I could see the child) and talked like old times for a while which was amazing. But I haven't heard from him since. I texted him a thank you for the visit and he didn't respond.
How do I communicate with him now about our relationship? He doesn't want to talk about it much if at all. I've written him a letter and tried to talk with him. He's open to me seeing the child periodically. Is there a chance he will change his mind after a period of time?
What do I do in order to reconcile our relationship? Should I give him space or try to keep lines of communication open? I am devastated and would do anything to fix this - I am in therapy myself working on the things I know I did wrong and to be a better partner for him. Can this be saved at all?
I took care of him and his son and did everything for them. Everything, he grew up with money so he was used to being waited on and things being done for him, so I filled that role. He pushed most of his existing friends out of his life. Because of his wife's suicide he had little to do with his son for most of the first couple of years we were together. There was a older nanny involved that created stress for him and was ultimately fired. Since then, I have cared for the child as though he was my own and losing him from my life and vice versa is unimaginable.
We started having problems because I don't think his mom wanted him to be in a serious relationship. There was a lot of stress. From the beginning she didn't approve of me but there was a time last year she was approving and actually nice to me. Last fall she started intervening heavily because the son started calling me mom and this was offensive to her and my boyfriend started pulling away. He took space a couple of times and he said our communication was bad. We always resolved (mostly because I suggested) it and worked it out but then things would come up again. He said our communication was bad if I said anything negative or controversial or things he didn't want to talk about. I could've been gentler in my approach many times.
A month ago he bought a house in a different city and didn't tell me until I found out and asked him. We had been planning all along to move together to the new city - I even found the house he bought and showed it to him as we were looking for a new place. He said he didn't see a future for us after he looked at the new house. We decided to give things a week, then two weeks, then one month. But I never got the opinion his heart was in working it out. He would say things like he loved me but was no longer in love with me.
I think his mom was talking to him the whole time because she would send him these awful texts about me and how he would be so happy in the new house.... We broke up and I moved out. But he says himself he's "wishy washy" and changes his mind often. He plans to move over the next year. He says he needs to figure out things for himself and is empowered (a word he would never use, probably his moms) to do for himself now. Although he has a new housekeeper and a babysitter that we had.
I've lost my family and my entire life. I've only seen his son 4 times in the last month. His mom has controlled that a lot. She's even come to stay with him for a period. I've tried to communicate with her and even apologized for things (but I didn't really do anything wrong to her - I took care of her also).
I suggested couples counseling which he was ok with then not (prob mom again) because he said he didn't want to be boyfriend/girlfriend. We have gone from talking multiple times a day - I would listen to all of his problems and be his sounding board for everything, no almost no talking. Although two days ago, we spent time together with his son (I asked if I could see the child) and talked like old times for a while which was amazing. But I haven't heard from him since. I texted him a thank you for the visit and he didn't respond.
How do I communicate with him now about our relationship? He doesn't want to talk about it much if at all. I've written him a letter and tried to talk with him. He's open to me seeing the child periodically. Is there a chance he will change his mind after a period of time?
What do I do in order to reconcile our relationship? Should I give him space or try to keep lines of communication open? I am devastated and would do anything to fix this - I am in therapy myself working on the things I know I did wrong and to be a better partner for him. Can this be saved at all?
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