I have never told much anybody this but I was sexually abused as a six year old. My cousin forced me to suck his cock so I would stop crying. I still cringe at that thought. He was 17 at the time. This incident happened 11 years ago and he still doesn't have it in his heart to even confess what he did. I told my family the truth and he is distancing myself. He probably didn't think I would tell the truth on him.
Hello, Tyler. I am brand new here--the bisexual NT partner of a bisexual AS man. I hope you won't mind my input, here.
First, let me say I am terribly sorry for what happened to you as a boy, and of course that other young man should have never done such a thing to you. From ages 9 to 13, I suffered sexual abuse by an adult at my boarding school, and I have spent a great deal of my adult life (I'm 58) struggling with how my sexual orientation may be linked to that early experience. What I've decided is that it doesn't matter. You might consider doing the same. If you find yourself attracted to both men and women and you enjoy the idea of being with either, than that is who you are and it's something you can and should learn to embrace. You might even consider yourself lucky to have that many more potential partners to chose from. Someday you may find you have a distinct preference, but for now, thoughtful exploration of your sexuality is the best medicine.
If you'll indulge me, you might find something in my partner's history that resonates with you. He is okay with my sharing this information.
My partner, John, started out exclusively with women, because that's what was all around him and more than anything he wanted to fit in. He grew up in a time when homosexuality and related activities were still very much taboo, so he never even considered what feelings he may have had along those lines. Women weren't turning him on, much, so he made a rather academic study of pornography, thinking he might just need to be doing different things. What he found through this, quite by accident, was that it was men who excited him most. At first he was elated, having solved the puzzle he was working on. Then it set in that being attracted to men would put him further on the social fringes than he already was. You're lucky in that today, there are plenty of LGBT groups where you can share experiences. The poster who said it was a good idea to join one is right on the mark.
Also, because of his AS, John has no "gaydar", and is blind to the signals that would indicate a man's interest in him (if this sounds like you, a LGBT group would be a good place to meet people). As such, he was well into his thirties before he ever tried sex with a man. Today, he prefers it. But it wasn't an easy learning process. He had to learn to have a thicker skin in terms of dealing with rejection whilst he learned about his sexuality. He taught himself to take away the best of his bad experiences--brushing off the hurt and being grateful for the lessons he learned about his own sexual self. Over the long run, it has made him more confident in who he is and what he likes and wants. That knowledge has also made him stronger at dealing with the times when things don't work out.
When we first met, John and I had a frank discussion about our sexual orientation. He said he feels that he may mostly be attracted to men because a man's body and sexual feelings are more familiar to him, and therefore, more comfortable and appealing since he has so much trouble with social interaction. At first, this made me feel a bit insecure, but now we agree that it doesn't matter
why he is attracted to men. He just
is. That's all that really counts.
Because John is a very independent person who has often chosen not to even
try dating for very long periods, we also discussed whether his recent desire for companionship was just about satisfying a personal loneliness or whether he truly wanted and was prepared for everything that comes with a proper relationship. I asked him if he was really considering my side of things as the person who would be his partner and would have needs of my own in the relationship. Even at his age (also 58), he had to think about that for a while, and process it all with a person in his family who understands him and his AS. He eventually decided that whilst he was lonely, he really was considering me and did want to have a full relationship. Those here who have suggested you think these things through are very right to do so. No relationship will work if you're in it for selfish reasons and aren't prepared to think about the other person. No relationship will work if you aren't prepared to do the hard work of learning how to negotiate, compromise, and adapt. If you struggle with these things, you would do well to work on them first, before looking for a partner. Having said this, I know that much of what one learns about relationships takes place in actual practice. But you can still get your head in the right place in advance.
What you might take from all of this is: (1) that it may be better to focus on the
fact of your bisexuality and not worry about the details of why you might be that way, (2) that you will suffer rejection, but that you can still take something good and useful from it that will help you grow as a person, (3) that analyzing your true reasons for wanting companionship will tell you a lot about your readiness, and therefore, your chance of success, and (4) that in time, you can indeed find someone who will accept all of you, just as you are. But at your young age--and I know it sucks to have your age thrown in your face all of the time--you have a lot to learn and that's okay. Honestly, we all have/had a lot to learn when it comes to our sexuality, NT and AS alike. We all suffer hurt, make mistakes, and have to figure ourselves out. For many of us, it can take a long time. Just be patient, hard as it is. It's part of the human experience to crave companionship, love, and intimacy and it's just as much a part of it not to find those things easily. You sound like a thoughtful, gentle person who is well worth loving. Keep working on your self-awareness, your confidence, your resilience, and your openness and you can get where you want to be.