Autistic rage

[Tom]

I'm curious how long your anger episodes last? How long would an average event last, pre-counselling compared to now?

My pre-counselling ones were about once every 6-8 weeks, arriving with emotional triggers and lasting up to a week or a bit longer because of my rumination and inability to let go.

I'm not referring to regular autistic meltdowns, but to "trauma trigger meltdowns" or "anger episodes from real or perceived mistreatment" (as you described them to be).

Pre-counseling episodes were basically daily and had lasted over a year I believe. The counseling and self help reading mostly solidified the understanding of how useless and counter productive (and even damaging to me) the endless stewing on it was. It was also helpful to get greater understandingf of how flawed people are in general. Actual forgiveness may or may not occur but I did get to the point where I no longer fantasized about getting back at them. They really are their own problem and not mine. For a while the episodes still occurred, but I was able to cut them off quicker and then over time they occurred less and less. They had invaded even my dreams and were the subject of regular nightmares, but those too slowly occurred less often. Now both waking and dreaming episodes are quite rare.

 

[tkcartoonist]

I don't know where else I can post this. I thought about making a new thread about it, but I really don't feel like going through all of that plus it fits in this current thread anyway. If this seems a little unstructured or hard to follow, it's because it is really hard for me to think clearly lately, and I'll try to go into why below.

I've been experiencing a lot of rage lately. The problem is that I don't know how to let it out constructively. My anger is not toward one person or thing specifically, but towards society, "the system", humanity in a nutshell. I've experienced way too many setbacks in the last ten years, and the last five have been even worse. The last six months especially have been the absolute worst. All this stuff involving COVID-19... I am so sick of these crypto-kings, these people who think they are untouchable like gods, thinking that people can't make choices for themselves, and I'm also sick of people who just bow down and take it, saying things like "it is what it is", "we don't have any control over it", "that's the way the system works", etc. What makes me sick is this is coming from so-called Americans: a country founded by a bunch of British subjects fed up with getting taxed on tea and stamps. On top of that, because of some legal issues I've had recently because I can't control my rage at people, I had to put Zoom on my phone, which I swore I'd never do due to their shady past (a few months back, Zoom was found to be routing their North American calls to a Chinese server). I am sick of compromising my principles for this joke of a society. I am sick of trying to work within this awful world and its BS arbitrary limitations. I already tried doing that years ago when I took a job at an Amazon fulfillment center years ago: a job I knew I'd hate before even applying, but I needed the money to survive and I had trouble keeping a job because of circumstances outside of my control (layoff from a Graphic Design internship, Americorps pulling their grant from another place because the place couldn't keep a program head for longer than a few months, and so on). Amazon ended up being the worst and, currently, last job I ever worked at, plus it showed me how the world really works: we're just low-rung cogs in a machine that makes a multi-billionaire richer. It had me so enraged when I finally quit there that I ended up having a huge mental breakdown just a few months later, and I've never fully recovered.

Let's go to more recent times. Lately, I've been feeling like nothing matters at all. After all, back when I had a little bit of a better attitude on life and was working, I'd still lose jobs eventually anyway, and it would take me six months usually to find another one. I volunteered for years on a United Way board, but after a restructuring that ended. The car I had when I had my first breakdown and eventually totalled because of said breakdown would have sooner or later been gone anyway because who knows how much longer I would have been able to make payments on the damn thing. On top of that, I've been fighting with the stupid Social Security administration to get disability just to get back on my feet. I guess it doesn't matter that I was diagnosed with Autism when I was four years old or that I was getting Social Security as a child, because I keep getting denied and have to deal with another stupid appeal hearing like a useless begger asking for change. I didn't even want to apply for the stupid thing in the first place: I hate being treated like a charity case because of some invisible disability, plus I'd rather earn my path through life instead of sponging on the dole like a loser. But I guess it doesn't matter anyway.

Anyway, because of all that, I have been experiencing some explosive rage episodes lately. On top of that, I've been feeling very nihilistic, hopeless, and very depressed as well. I have no reason to even care about "rules of decorum" anymore (I'm honestly surprised I typed all this without drop a thousand F-bombs, that's how angry I feel), because I am so disgusted with everything. I have wished many times lately that the oceans were made out of gasoline just so I can throw in a lit match and destroy humanity, myself included. I even thought about just taking everything I own, everything that reminds me of the last 30-plus years of my useless life, and throwing it all in the trash, including my drawings, music stuff, games, movies, photos, friendships, family, etc. I also have felt like the only reason that I'm still around right now is that I'm too much of a coward to just bite the bullet myself. In short: I can't take this anymore.

Sorry for the long post. Sorry for the depressing imagery. Sorry for the longwindedness. I am losing my mind.

 

[mw2530]

One thing that calms me and improves my overall mood is exercising. I understand that exercise may not be helpful in the instance you feel intense anger, but it may make you less susceptible to lose control of your emotions. It doesn't necessarily have to cost anything to do either. If you have not typically exercised, it can take a while to get into a routine, but if you stick with it it will get easier. While it may only may be one part of the solution, I think it could help move your life in a more positive direction. It says you are only 30, you are young and have the ability to change your life for the better.

 

[Aspychata]

I don't know where else I can post this. I thought about making a new thread about it, but I really don't feel like going through all of that plus it fits in this current thread anyway. If this seems a little unstructured or hard to follow, it's because it is really hard for me to think clearly lately, and I'll try to go into why below.

I've been experiencing a lot of rage lately. The problem is that I don't know how to let it out constructively. My anger is not toward one person or thing specifically, but towards society, "the system", humanity in a nutshell. I've experienced way too many setbacks in the last ten years, and the last five have been even worse. The last six months especially have been the absolute worst. All this stuff involving COVID-19, especially mandatory mask mandates like the one recently passed by my state's governor, have been bringing my piss to a boil. My personal opinion: if you want to wear a mask and it is your choice to do so that's one thing, but forcing everyone to do so and fining them $200 if they don't is wrong. I am so sick of these crypto-kings, these people who think they are untouchable like gods, thinking that people can't make choices for themselves, and I'm also sick of people who just bow down and take it, saying things like "it is what it is", "we don't have any control over it", "that's the way the system works", etc. What makes me sick is this is coming from so-called Americans: a country founded by a bunch of British subjects fed up with getting taxed on tea and stamps. On top of that, because of some legal issues I've had recently because I can't control my rage at people, I had to put Zoom on my phone, which I swore I'd never do due to their shady past (a few months back, Zoom was found to be routing their North American calls to a Chinese server). I am sick of compromising my principles for this joke of a society. I am sick of trying to work within this awful world and its BS arbitrary limitations. I already tried doing that years ago when I took a job at an Amazon fulfillment center years ago: a job I knew I'd hate before even applying, but I needed the money to survive and I had trouble keeping a job because of circumstances outside of my control (layoff from a Graphic Design internship, Americorps pulling their grant from another place because the place couldn't keep a program head for longer than a few months, and so on). Amazon ended up being the worst and, currently, last job I ever worked at, plus it showed me how the world really works: we're just low-rung cogs in a machine that makes a multi-billionaire richer. It had me so enraged when I finally quit there that I ended up having a huge mental breakdown just a few months later, and I've never fully recovered.

Let's go to more recent times. Lately, I've been feeling like nothing matters at all. After all, back when I had a little bit of a better attitude on life and was working, I'd still lose jobs eventually anyway, and it would take me six months usually to find another one. I volunteered for years on a United Way board, but after a restructuring that ended. The car I had when I had my first breakdown and eventually totalled because of said breakdown would have sooner or later been gone anyway because who knows how much longer I would have been able to make payments on the damn thing. On top of that, I've been fighting with the stupid Social Security administration to get disability just to get back on my feet. I guess it doesn't matter that I was diagnosed with Autism when I was four years old or that I was getting Social Security as a child, because I keep getting denied and have to deal with another stupid appeal hearing like a useless begger asking for change. I didn't even want to apply for the stupid thing in the first place: I hate being treated like a charity case because of some invisible disability, plus I'd rather earn my path through life instead of sponging on the dole like a loser. But I guess it doesn't matter anyway.

Anyway, because of all that, I have been experiencing some explosive rage episodes lately. On top of that, I've been feeling very nihilistic, hopeless, and very depressed as well. I have no reason to even care about "rules of decorum" anymore (I'm honestly surprised I typed all this without drop a thousand F-bombs, that's how angry I feel), because I am so disgusted with everything. I have wished many times lately that the oceans were made out of gasoline just so I can throw in a lit match and destroy humanity, myself included. I even thought about just taking everything I own, everything that reminds me of the last 30-plus years of my useless life, and throwing it all in the trash, including my drawings, music stuff, games, movies, photos, friendships, family, etc. I also have felt like the only reason that I'm still around right now is that I'm too much of a coward to just bite the bullet myself. In short: I can't take this anymore.

Sorry for the long post. Sorry for the depressing imagery. Sorry for the longwindedness. I am losing my mind.

Just tonite, l was thinking and summarizing my time-line. Four years stalked by a guy l didn't know. Eighteen years married to a man who is a con. And finally some ridiculousness in my life that started when l moved to Minnesota about 20 years ago.

It's like the life school of hard knocks for us. Which makes me wonder if we are predetermined to run a certain course in life. And l am a tab antisocial. So l talk to fit in but l am relieved to be home after a hard day at work. The cherry on the top- covid.

 

[unperson]

Haven't had a lot of anger outside of menopause, I found it an odd experience. Maybe I shoulda been angrier in life, I certainly had reason to.

Borderline pd also has rage issues.

 

[Creep]

Hi,

I've been victim to my own rage. I've been bullied and abused my whole life by the police and the justice system, as well as other people who make it their mission to mistreat me. This was all in the past when I was younger. Nowadays, I will occasionally receive a visit from the police because I get into an argument with my family over the past. What's wrong with me? A month or so, I will be fine. A day later, I will get into a rage. I will talk to myself, mumbling to myself cursing myself or other people in my turbulent past. Sometimes, I fall into a rage where my skin starts to course with so much heat and anger that I just lose it. I constantly think about the past, and I get angry. Sometimes, I lose it after months or weeks. I'm afraid that the next time I lose it, the police will come to my apartment and try to tackle me to the ground and taser me or shoot me to death.

What's wrong with me? How do I let go of the past or lose the anger? Help me. Do any of you experience the same ordeal? Do autistic people normally experience the same thing as me or am I alone?

Hi Mister Anonymity, I am of the opinion: if you’re not angry, you’re not paying attention. There’s no shortage of things to be pissed off about these days. I’m also of the opinion anger is a mask for sadness. No shortage of things to be sad about either. I have found a free app helpful. It’s called aims for anger management. It was developed for veterans with ptsd, but anyone can use it. Good luck.

 

[Aspychata]

Hi Mister Anonymity, I am of the opinion: if you’re not angry, you’re not paying attention. There’s no shortage of things to be pissed off about these days. I’m also of the opinion anger is a mask for sadness. No shortage of things to be sad about either. I have found a free app helpful. It’s called aims for anger management. It was developed for veterans with ptsd, but anyone can use it. Good luck.

To point- this is where being grateful for small things steps in. When we are so focused on the negative, we are no longer able to see any positive to anything. Some cultures actually celebrate suffering as man's predicament to find higher enlightenment. To live only on one side of your emotions, (anger, sadness) cuts us off from the other emotions. So l guess mediation guides us to stay neutral to actually protect us from black and white thinking.

Being angry and sad is something l do acknowledge, it doesn't help solve the situation l am in. Thinking clearly, using any logic, calculating odds and a tab of speculation (or intuition) does help me feel in control and not use anger or sadness as a crutch to color in my perception and lead to distorted outcomes in my day to day decisions.

 

[Crossbreed]

Being angry and sad is something l do acknowledge, it doesn't help solve the situation l am in.

IMX, directed anger can. (Sadness & grief are just feelings that we need to let play out.) Directed anger is like a rifle vs. a hand grenade. Both use combustion, but the former is more precise. And we have to make sure that we are pointing it at the right target.

~~~~~~~~~​

Anybody can become angry - that is easy,

but to be angry with the right person
and to the right degree
and at the right time
and for the right purpose,
and in the right way​

- that is not within everybody's power and is not easy. -Aristotle

 

[UberScout]

It is a part of you now, my monarch. So let it be part of you.

Your rage is your pet, you are its master.

You know what to do.

 

[UberScout]

Set fire to the sinners and let every flame that licks their pathetic, wretched bodies be an eternal reminder of their foolishness.

 

[Rocco]

Using subliminal message videos I have been able to diminish my anger to astonishing low levels. Here is one of my favorites

 

[Jumpback]

I’m also of the opinion anger is a mask for sadness.

I have this one reoccurring issue that is the root cause of a whole bunch of things. I’m a bit scared to not be angry about it because anger might be replaced by something like complete hopelessness.

 

[Creep]

I have this one reoccurring issue that is the root cause of a whole bunch of things. I’m a bit scared to not be angry about it because anger might be replaced by something like complete hopelessness.

It’s a journey. It could be you’re not done feeling angry for now & that is okay. It could be you need to feel this anger until you’re ready to move onto the next stage of grief about what’s happened to you. That’s okay too.

 

[Rocco]

Using subliminal message videos I have been able to diminish my anger to astonishing low levels. Here is one of my favorites

I really like these videos because it is a way to have positive personal growth with minimal effort. I have recently been faced with a lot of conflict and aggression from others at work, and various videos like this from Thomas Hall have made it all seem like nothing. I feel like I have a suit of armor protecting me from life’s stresses. Good luck OP and everyone.

I should have added the Subliminal message phrases Used in the video, so here they are from the original link:
I can deal with difficult people easily I am in complete control of my emotions I think rationally even when I’m stressed I can deal with confrontation in a calm manner When somebody makes me angry, I have the strength to walk away I do not need to lose my temper I am able to forget things that upset me I am a strong-minded person I have the power to change my life I am able to focus my attention on positive thoughts I stay calm in every situation I ignore negative people I am a happy person I feel good about myself I express myself in a calm manner When somebody says something negative to me, I have the strength to ignore them I forget about any bad experiences Each day I become even more confident and in control I am a caring person I focus my attention on positive thoughts I have total belief in myself When I feel angry, I take a deep breath and walk away I am able to let things go If possible, I avoid confrontation I am a peaceful person If I am annoyed with someone, I resolve things calmly I am in total control of my emotions People respect me because I am a calm, confident person I have the ability to deal with any situation I smile everyday I am a very happy person I do not take insults personally I can achieve anything I set my mind to I focus my attention on happy thoughts I can deal with difficult situations easily I deserve to be happy I am happy When I wake up in the morning, I will be full of happiness When I wake up in the morning, I will feel relaxed When I wake up in the morning, I will feel great When I wake up in the morning, I will feel amazing (((((All of the above are repeated throughout the recording)))))