Autistic rage

[Mister Anonymity]

Hi,

I've been victim to my own rage. I've been bullied and abused my whole life by the police and the justice system, as well as other people who make it their mission to mistreat me. This was all in the past when I was younger. Nowadays, I will occasionally receive a visit from the police because I get into an argument with my family over the past. What's wrong with me? A month or so, I will be fine. A day later, I will get into a rage. I will talk to myself, mumbling to myself cursing myself or other people in my turbulent past. Sometimes, I fall into a rage where my skin starts to course with so much heat and anger that I just lose it. I constantly think about the past, and I get angry. Sometimes, I lose it after months or weeks. I'm afraid that the next time I lose it, the police will come to my apartment and try to tackle me to the ground and taser me or shoot me to death.

What's wrong with me? How do I let go of the past or lose the anger? Help me. Do any of you experience the same ordeal? Do autistic people normally experience the same thing as me or am I alone?

 

[Rasputin]

Hi,

I've been victim to my own rage. I've been bullied and abused my whole life by the police and the justice system, as well as other people who make it their mission to mistreat me. This was all in the past when I was younger. Nowadays, I will occasionally receive a visit from the police because I get into an argument with my family over the past. What's wrong with me? A month or so, I will be fine. A day later, I will get into a rage. I will talk to myself, mumbling to myself cursing myself or other people in my turbulent past. Sometimes, I fall into a rage where my skin starts to course with so much heat and anger that I just lose it. I constantly think about the past, and I get angry. Sometimes, I lose it after months or weeks. I'm afraid that the next time I lose it, the police will come to my apartment and try to tackle me to the ground and taser me or shoot me to death.

What's wrong with me? How do I let go of the past or lose the anger? Help me. Do any of you experience the same ordeal? Do autistic people normally experience the same thing as me or am I alone?

I have experienced rage, usually when someone attempts to deceive me or asks me to compromise my integrity. Sometimes I can tell when this rage is about to happen, because I feel an intense burning sensation in my eyes. This enables me to retreat before the rage occurs. If I know what or who is causing the rage, I resign from activities that require me to interact.

The only thing that I know that helps is acknowledging when it happens (which you are doing), and avoiding situations which cause rage.

 

[Hylian]

I've found that when something like this happens to me there are things that have built up over time, and I either don't notice them or I'm just so used to them I don't pay mind until it gets too much. The only thing I personally can do is try to recognize what's upsetting me before I can't handle it any longer, and either remove myself from that or make an effort to vent those current emotions into something else (journaling, hobbies, exercise, really anything that's a healthy outlet).

I'll admit that it's hard, partly because I have alexithymia and partly because it's just hard to address the things causing me issues, but at least allowing myself to find an outlet before rage becomes my only outlet has been able to mitigate it most of the time for me.

 

[Ella Spell]

I'm sorry this is happening for you. I experience something kind of similar because of emotional flashback triggers from C-PTSD. I wonder if you could seek counselling for the unprocessed emotions associated with being bullied? Perhaps if you addressed the helplessness and fear associated with your abusive past, you would be better equipped to deal with triggers. I also recommend learning about Alexithymia and Interoception (reading your body signals) so that you know when these episodes are about to occur.

 

[Aspychata]

Anger is a strong emotion. This is off the wall, but do you experience any other emotion as strong as anger? And how do you deal with it? l use to be angry, and shop to let go of the feeling. I stopped. I use to sedate myself. l stopped, it doesn't help. Now l think- this making me angry. l acknowledge it AND l am now letting it go. It feels good to let it loose and not migrate to habits that don't change anything. It feels adulting to take emotion- look right at it and then free the emotion AND free myself.

 

[Mister Anonymity]

Anger is a strong emotion. This is off the wall, but do you experience any other emotion as strong as anger? And how do you deal with it? l use to be angry, and shop to let go of the feeling. I stopped. I use to sedate myself. l stopped, it doesn't help. Now l think- this making me angry. l acknowledge it AND l am now letting it go. It feels good to let it loose and not migrate to habits that don't change anything. It feels adulting to take emotion- look right at it and then free the emotion AND free myself.

I feel helpless and subdued. That makes me more angry especially when I am forced into a situation of helplessness. I have a tremendous sense of right and wrong and when that is violated, I feel a terrible anger that threatens to overwhelm me. I often have fantasies of obtaining tremendous power and making the bullies pay for their childish buffoonery and lack of moral insights. It doesn’t feel right to watch other people experience immense privilege while I wallow away in despair in some forgotten corner.

 

[Ella Spell]

Helplessness is my trigger emotion as well. It can strike at the most unexpected times, in innocent situations which are unrelated to my trauma. That creates a cycle of guilt / shame and makes me angry about the emotional overload. Talk therapy can help. Perhaps even writing on here will help you to feel that your voice has been heard, and you will start to feel more empowered in your self-regulation, or less helpless overall.

 

[Tom]

Of all the things I have had to wrestle with, anger over real or percieved mistreatment is one of the hardest to deal with and seems to take the longest to get over. I did get some help from professional counseling and now essentially continue that thru self-help reading. And time has slowly made it fade more and more.

 

[BrokenBoy]

What's the best way to deal with autistic rage?

 

[Xerces Blue]

Honestly rage is something EVERYONE has to deal with.
It's all about how you deal with it.

For me:
1st: Will this change anything and How? No - walkaway
2nd: What could I lose or gain and is it worth it?
If Yes act if No disengage, vent and rethink

So for a ridiculous example:
Stop global warming - how? KILL EVERYONE!
Lose - human interaction, Gain - privacy, Worth it - No

 

[Crossbreed]

I've been bullied and abused my whole life by the police and the justice system,...

That is a drawback to self-diagnosis. An official diagnosis would help you (in that arena).

A month or so, I will be fine. A day later, I will get into a rage. I will talk to myself, mumbling to myself cursing myself or other people in my turbulent past. Sometimes, I fall into a rage where my skin starts to course with so much heat and anger that I just lose it. I constantly think about the past, and I get angry. Sometimes, I lose it after months or weeks.

If you have autism, it sounds like you have more going on (which isn't uncommon). If you had an official diagnosis, all of these issues could be addressed by some combination of medicine & counseling.

 

[Ella Spell]

I didn't realise you weren't officially diagnosed. I agree with Crossbreed that a professional assessment and report would provide a good insight into your interpersonal and emotional needs. I also wanted to comment that ADHD can intensify triggers and lead to reactive impulsivity. It's very common for ADHD to be co-morbid with ASD. In my case, ADHD meds have helped to calm my nervous system and give me more ability to handle the bad days.

I hope you are able to seek some answers and get diagnostic support, because I know it's very difficult to deal with the emotional fallout of abuse.

Good luck.

 

[Ella Spell]

Of all the things I have had to wrestle with, anger over real or percieved mistreatment is one of the hardest to deal with and seems to take the longest to get over. I did get some help from professional counseling and now essentially continue that thru self-help reading. And time has slowly made it fade more and more.

I'm curious how long your anger episodes last? How long would an average event last, pre-counselling compared to now?

My pre-counselling ones were about once every 6-8 weeks, arriving with emotional triggers and lasting up to a week or a bit longer because of my rumination and inability to let go.

I'm not referring to regular autistic meltdowns, but to "trauma trigger meltdowns" or "anger episodes from real or perceived mistreatment" (as you described them to be).

 

[SusanLR]

I've noticed what sets me into a rage is when someone says things to me that are deliberately insulting.
I can't help the feeling that it sets off inside me. It just happens very quickly.
And how to let go is something I never learned.
I'll always remember and this causes my feelings for the person to change forever.

If they want to make something more out of it and argue about it, I don't walk away.
I'll argue the point because to just walk away makes them feel they have gotten away with
being abusive or insulting and I don't want them to think I'll just whimper down and be a doormat.
Does it help?
Maybe. At least they see they can't just bully and insult without retribution.

 

[Crossbreed]

I've noticed what sets me into a rage is when someone says things to me that are deliberately insulting.

I have been there, but the resulting rage never turns out to be beneficial for me or anyone else. To make matters worse, sometimes I will find out (after the dust settles) that I completely misinterpreted the other person's context.

As a result, I do not consider myself qualified to initiate the "nuclear" option. People persist when they intend to insult others. I now watch for those follow-up statements before I allow myself to react.

• Sometimes their follow-up statement shows that I took their first one out of context and it defuses the original [perceived] offense.
• Sometimes there is no follow-up statement. That argues against an intentional insult, also defusing the original offense.
• Sometimes their follow-up statement confirms their intentional insult. By that time, I have settled down a bit and can address the offense through proper channels (if available) or, at least, make effective use of a passive-aggressive response. (My PA responses tend to use their own momentum against them. They are completely benign to innocent parties.)

 

[Aspychata]

Lots of posters have brought up being in the moment of rudeness. Now l call people on it. At the gym, this lady started in with nonstop commands to use the machine l was on even after l asked for 5 mins to finish. She went on and on. I told her she was being abusive and so on. She didn't stop. l went to the front desk and complained. But the aftermath was - l didn't ruminate because l called her on it. Instead of anger building up inside. You can have ready to roll things to say, like that is acting rude. You sound like a little kid. The best is to completely ignore and then don't internalize, as a final step reward yourself for not getting angry and not ruminating. It involves work, some failure, but you can do it.

Lately, a lady started screaming at me in traffic about something. I didn't focus on her words. I realised she has issues that are nothing to do with me. Maybe my car was dirty and she decided to critique me but got carried away. l had spent the whole week moving so l was too out of it to focus on a *Karen* and her perceived needs. In the past, l would be very upset, angry, would come home and ruminate and whatever. Now, you realize everybody is upset. Life has changed for millions of people. Now we don't walk around thinking we are the only ones having a bad day anymore. Everyone is having bad days because of no work,no rent payment, they forgot mask, they need to get tested, their store doesn't carry their favorite item.

Calling people on their behavior will free you. Will it stop bad behavior, usually not. But you will feel better about not letting anger build up in your sensitive being, and you didn't stay passive. Sometimes you really have to put people's actions to task by calling them on it. Some do apologize.

 

[SDRSpark]

I have lifelong issues with rage. Fortunately, I keep it all internal, for the most part, and the older I get, the better I am at keeping it internal. So I can be absolutely seething, but you'll never see it. This keeps me out of trouble with the law, etc. but it's still unpleasant.

I have a really hard time letting things go. A lot of it I think stems from unresolved conflicts...I have always chosen to "walk away" but then I feel like the other person got away with it. After years of "being the bigger person" I'm just fed up.

 

[Aspychata]

I have lifelong issues with rage. Fortunately, I keep it all internal, for the most part, and the older I get, the better I am at keeping it internal. So I can be absolutely seething, but you'll never see it. This keeps me out of trouble with the law, etc. but it's still unpleasant.

I have a really hard time letting things go. A lot of it I think stems from unresolved conflicts...I have always chosen to "walk away" but then I feel like the other person got away with it. After years of "being the bigger person" I'm just fed up.

It really feels like your normal is anger. That's gotta be hard. Like l was wishing there was happiness or meh even to replace the mule on the track that goes around and around on the anger groove. Has anything truly brought happiness into your Life? Are you the type to hold onto past regressions? l have a lot to be angry about in my life, including loss of huge sums of money but l decided l don't want to take anger to my grave.

 

[Greatshield17]

I have lifelong issues with rage. Fortunately, I keep it all internal, for the most part, and the older I get, the better I am at keeping it internal. So I can be absolutely seething, but you'll never see it. This keeps me out of trouble with the law, etc. but it's still unpleasant.

I have a really hard time letting things go. A lot of it I think stems from unresolved conflicts...I have always chosen to "walk away" but then I feel like the other person got away with it. After years of "being the bigger person" I'm just fed up.

It really feels like your normal is anger. That's gotta be hard. Like l was wishing there was happiness or meh even to replace the mule on the track that goes around and around on the anger groove. Has anything truly brought happiness into your Life? Are you the type to hold onto past regressions? l have a lot to be angry about in my life, including loss of huge sums of money but l decided l don't want to take anger to my grave.

Whoa, these quotes have made me think a lot. I'm wondering if "anger is my normal?" I don't think so, I wasn't angry yesterday, there have been plenty of days where I haven't been angry. But these past two, three, maybe even more months, I keep getting thoughts and "messages" that I need to be more grateful about things in my life, and not let all the bad things in the world get to me. On top of that, there are times where I'll be very nice, respectful and loyal to people and hindsight, such behaviour actually stems from an attitude of "these people don't deserve my anger, so I'm going to treat them in the opposite manner."

I really need to think about this more, "is anger my normal?"

 

[SDRSpark]

It really feels like your normal is anger. That's gotta be hard. Like l was wishing there was happiness or meh even to replace the mule on the track that goes around and around on the anger groove. Has anything truly brought happiness into your Life? Are you the type to hold onto past regressions? l have a lot to be angry about in my life, including loss of huge sums of money but l decided l don't want to take anger to my grave.

Ouch. You're right, at least partly.