Are You Accepted By Your Family?

[total-recoil]

It seems as if lately any relationship I had with my family has pretty much broken down altogether. Of course, I thought about it as logically as I could and, to tell the truth, you could say I see it as almost inevitable. The root cause is actually to do with my lack of connection to my family as a whole and the way they perceive it I don't appear to care and seem withdrawn (or submerged in my own world).
All of this came to a head last week when they asked me to attend a funeral and, thus, I took the day off work and attended. However, at the funeral I was criticized for not having dressed as well as I might. There is also some negative feeling towads me as I'm not really involved and spend most of my time either studying science or with my Shepherd dog.
Now, I think I'm kind of tired of it all and have withdrawn more. In fact, I feel no connection to my family at all which I admit is kind of strange.
It worried me less than it should as I have come to see the cause of the existing situation is rooted in aspergers, going back to childhood. Maybe other people can relate to this? Given I was never really normal, I am aware there was some rejection in the past in favour of my siblings. I don't think my family ever knew anything about aspergers or the autistic spectrum and assumed I was uncaring or remote by nature. Probably they were never aware of how I was so often ignored and left out while my siblings were included and assumed a far more higher role. The Ugly Duckling was how aspergers writer Hans Christian Anderson put it.
It's not really possible at this stage to explain to them about aspergers as I guess they are now too old to understand what on earth it is.
However, the thing that shocks even me is when I see my family these days it appears they are now like total strangers to me. There is no connection at all. The only way the whole mess could be ever sorted out would be by family group psychology therapy but I think it's a bit late for that now. At the end of the day if you were never hugged, accepted or included in early years, it's no surprise you become a remote figure in adulthood.
Any thoughts?

 

[Donein]

I'm sorry for you. I had a similar childhood. Are you a female? If so , read the book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough", "healing the dauthers of narcisstic mothers", by Karyl McBride.

What you are describing in your short story, is deplorable behavior towards you, this is called the scape goat of the family. The dynamics of the siblings is actually horrendous. The whole family is disordered. I'm not sure, but by you little paragraph, I think you were seriously hurt. Because you had aspergers, you should have been nutured and loved and helped.

If you seek a therapist, don't waste your money with one that doens't know about Narcissism and personality disorders. I'm on forums where people go for help and report on their abusive parents. When they are telling about being ignored as a child the therapist is siding for the parents , .... This happens a lot. Just because you are a parent doesn't give you the right to abuse your child with neglect.

I come from a long line of aspergers marrying narcissists and most of the parents play the favortism card. All of them have disorders. Also probably one of your parents has AS .... Have you examined that?

 

[total-recoil]

I thought about it a lot, as ever making sure I'm taking an analytical, logical approach as opposed to emotional. I concluded my experiences put me in a good position to help other people and families. I also concluded it's really impossible to blame where aspergers is concerned. What happens is there is often some kind of family crisis built around aspergers due to the inevitable lack of communication and understanding. Obviously my parents at the time couldn't understand why I was so often alone and not out with the other kids. They assumed I must be "slow" as my school reports were bad. Some way along the line my brother (who was quite normal) became the favourite, although I understand that's not his fault.
In time I came to see my father was, in actual fact, abusive or borderline abusive. This eventually led to a total rift on my part so I don't really contact him any more. My mother, however, seems to want to see more of me and I suspect is a bit upset by the fact I rarely involve myself in family affairs. She still appears to favour my siblings and this is part of the reason why I'm kind of cold but I suspect she's not as aware as I am of the existing situation.
Ironically I saw exactly the same pattern develop with another asperger family. My best friend was diagnosed with aspergers and I personally observed there was a definite crisis in his relationships with his parents. It seemed to me he was closer to his father but the relationship with his mother was frigid on both sides. To me, it seemed he appeared to not empathise with their feelings and they, in turn, seemed to unknowingly favour his sister. Years later when my best friend took his own life (connected to the loss of his girlfriend to cancer) I saw his sister at the funeral and she was devastated and crying bitterly. It now seems to me that aspergers created huge stress for a family that genuinely needed professional assistance and intervention. I doubt anyone was to blame. I especially felt sorry for my friend's mother.
So, the only person I have awkward feelings towards is my father. My mother somehow just related to my siblings better but I suppose she must care about me in her own way as it seems my continual absence troubles her. I keep meaning to try and build bridges but sometimes just feel cold towards people as whole (no emotions). Yet with animals I'm very huggy and affectionate.
I'll bet there are a lot of people out there who know what I'm talking about. The sad thing is help appears not to be available to families who have to deal with aspergers. In my day there was nothing. I did see a psychologist around 1986 but she may only just have heard snippets about Hans Asperger and Lora Wing. No connection was ever made that I could have had aspergers, yet, it's so abundantly clear it had a huge impact.
The happy ending is I'm now doing O.K. and don't blame my brother or anyone in particular. However, I am aware my behaviour baffles them and I'm even more aware you can't simply undo the past and then everything will be normal again.

I'm sorry for you. I had a similar childhood. Are you a female? If so , read the book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough", "healing the dauthers of narcisstic mothers", by Karyl McBride.

What you are describing in your short story, is deplorable behavior towards you, this is called the scape goat of the family. The dynamics of the siblings is actually horrendous. The whole family is disordered. I'm not sure, but by you little paragraph, I think you were seriously hurt. Because you had aspergers, you should have been nutured and loved and helped.

If you seek a therapist, don't waste your money with one that doens't know about Narcissism and personality disorders. I'm on forums where people go for help and report on their abusive parents. When they are telling about being ignored as a child the therapist is siding for the parents , .... This happens a lot. Just because you are a parent doesn't give you the right to abuse your child with neglect.

I come from a long line of aspergers marrying narcissists and most of the parents play the favortism card. All of them have disorders. Also probably one of your parents has AS .... Have you examined that?

 

[total-recoil]

No, I'm male, not female. I think being ignored is a very large part of the apspergers triangle, if you like. It happens in families, with friends and at work. Have you ever noticed how an aspie can he chatting to someone and then another person approaches. All of a sudden the two people then carry on chatting to each other as if somehow you disappeared or turned invisible. I know that happens to a lot of aspies. The same in families. Parents may react differently. Some may sense there is a problem and try to find out what it might be. Others will just fail to connect and endanger any future relationships with the asperger son or daughter, leading to rifts.
Actually, there is an episode of the old Incredible Hulk T.V. series that actually brought a few tears to my eyes watching it. The episode was called "Brain Child". It centres around a girl whose mother gives her away to a private think-tank organisation as she has a very high I.Q. and the mother can't relate to her. The daugher in later years runs away from the think-tank in search of her mother and meets David Banner (Bill Bixby) on her way and he offers to help find her mother. However, this girl has no real idea of how to relate to everyday people and keeps getting into trouble. She has to learn how to relate as if she was studying in a class as she has had no experience of normal people. I found myself wondering if the story had been based on aspergers.

I'm sorry for you. I had a similar childhood. Are you a female? If so , read the book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough", "healing the dauthers of narcisstic mothers", by Karyl McBride.

What you are describing in your short story, is deplorable behavior towards you, this is called the scape goat of the family. The dynamics of the siblings is actually horrendous. The whole family is disordered. I'm not sure, but by you little paragraph, I think you were seriously hurt. Because you had aspergers, you should have been nutured and loved and helped.

If you seek a therapist, don't waste your money with one that doens't know about Narcissism and personality disorders. I'm on forums where people go for help and report on their abusive parents. When they are telling about being ignored as a child the therapist is siding for the parents , .... This happens a lot. Just because you are a parent doesn't give you the right to abuse your child with neglect.

I come from a long line of aspergers marrying narcissists and most of the parents play the favortism card. All of them have disorders. Also probably one of your parents has AS .... Have you examined that?

 

[King_Oni]

I don't even know if my parents understand Asperger's or anything exactly... to them I'm just me. And even if I'm a tad weird, they don't care. They never forced me to fit in to some ideal. Yes, of course they might disapprove with certain things I prefer but I never got put down by it.

Yes, I have my quirks, but that's just as much something as someone who doesn't like... say... brocolli. It's a me thing in that sense. I don't expect my parents (since I don't have a lot of other family) to pull out the red carpet for me and treat me like royalty. I just want them to respect my personal space and make sure we get along (and I'm fully aware that goes both ways). I'm trying (and managing fine) to be the same in terms of behaviour.

I should add that for most of my life I wasn't a diagnosed aspie... and to them I'm still the same person. Having it on paper is just a legal issue I guess.

I'm probably lucky enough that my parents kept and open mind towards me. When I was 9 years old or so my mom picked up a course on childpsychology so she could deal with me a bit better. I've had issues all my life and had therapy for it. Though I also think that like I said; not adhering to some (social) ideal worked a lot as well. I'm not saying that I turned out perfectly, but if anything I don't have any family issues over it.

 

[Nolan1971]

My present adopted family yes for the most part but it is still hard for them to understand.
My mom always accepted I was different but did not understand my quirks and passions. The worst part is she can't understand
why I am so talented in many things but haven't been successful. Only a handful of people have ever truly understood me.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

I have had issues with acceptance in my family. For years I battled with them and didn't understand why. I saw them over christmas for the first time in about three years and I finally think we are getting somewhere with a relationship. Being diagnosed helped because it has brought understanding.

 

[total-recoil]

At the moment the situation is very strained. They seem to think I'm emotionally uncaring or selfish, given the fact my head is usually always full of things related to my interests. What they don't perceive is that I've always been second class to siblings and am really hardly involved as I always get pushed to the side. For example, if my brother goes on holiday or something, my mother will suddenly start to call me up and insist I visit. Yet, under normal circumstances she shows less interest or may also be critical of the way I live and so on. Now the rest of the family have been getting on my case and blaming me and so lately I've just avoided it and spend more time with the dog. Really it's a pattern that's being going on for years but I confess it is very weird how I now feel no connection to family. Last time I saw them it was like being with strangers. Sometimes my aspergers symptoms seem to be on the mild side but at times like that I feel I got a damned good dose of it. Yet with animals I'm really very huggy and emotional.

I have had issues with acceptance in my family. For years I battled with them and didn't understand why. I saw them over christmas for the first time in about three years and I finally think we are getting somewhere with a relationship. Being diagnosed helped because it has brought understanding.

 

[smith2267]

No, I'm male, not female. I think being ignored is a very large part of the apspergers triangle, if you like. It happens in families, with friends and at work. Have you ever noticed how an aspie can he chatting to someone and then another person approaches. All of a sudden the two people then carry on chatting to each other as if somehow you disappeared or turned invisible. I know that happens to a lot of aspies. .

YES!!!! I know the invisibility well. I have often wondered what causes it.
I think my Dad is aspie. He has not had much to do with me.
My Mother has a temper and yells--combined with my AS, it's divided us

 

[Bay]

I have read these posts with interest and several times have come close to commenting, but cannot find words that are adequate. It breaks my heart to read of the troubles that you and the others have endured, total-recoil. There are times when I logout from AC with tears in my eyes, as so many here have undergone such profound pain, and continue to do so. I wish that there was something that I could do help, but of course there is nothing that I can do, and there is likely nothing that will help. Please know that there are people here that DO care.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

I feel your pain total-recall. When I was growing up my sister's used to gang up on me with the bullies. My mum can't understand why I find it hard to talk to my sisters when I have some pretty bad memories of them joining the people who hurt me rather than them standing up for me because I'm their sister. I was largely left to my own devices growing up because my sister had type one diabetes so she got most of the attention (didn't help that I was the oldest and she was the second child so she also had second child syndrome). My sister gets most of the attention now.

Basically I had trouble with my family and acceptance. I have had my family laugh in my face over my ideas and my likes and my mum has tried to push stuff on to me that she believed. I have always felt like the odd one out. Like no one has time for me.

So I moved to another country. and you know what it gave me time to breathe and to listen to the voice in my head rather than the other voices of my family. For the first time I didn't feel like I had something expected of me. The weight of a family's expectations can be quite heavy. So when I went back to visit my family after a couple years of living on my own without them being able to just skip down the road and see me I found I had developed as a person and I had grown to the point where I could meet them on their level. I also found that I was the least F%$#ed up mentally of my family and that was rather scary because I was always the worst. Mum asked me why I couldn't have just moved to another city in my home country and honestly it wouldn't have worked because even if I had moved to the other end of my home country they would have just popped in and out when ever they felt like it (my home country is not very long so its probably like moving from one state to another in america).

I needed time to figure out who I was and I needed to develop on my own as a person. I found I had grown a lot in the time I had been away. and I couldn't do it while there was a chance my family could drop in any time they felt like it. In another country its a really planned trip so they can't just drop in. It was nice to live without their expectations for a while so I could find my own expectations in life. Now I have an awesome husband and while I'm not too crash hot on where I live in my new country I am happier than being around my family 24/7.

if you live by your family's expectations you will fall short. I know what I did is extreme but it was the only way I could get them out my head. And really figure out who I was. It has lead to a better relationship with my family because I grew stronger on my own. Maybe the point I'm trying to make here is that you need to discover yourself then you can have that relationship with them. Or you need to find a way to tune them out.

 

[kasmanaft08]

I think I'm accepted.

But I also think much of my family tends to pretend a lot of me doesn't exist.
At least, to my face.

 

[wyverary]

My immediate family used to cause problems, but they seem to have accepted that I am who I am, and they've seen that I have been trying really hard the past couple of years, and they are content with that.

As for my extended family...well, let's just say there are some serious, far-out weirdos as far as that is concerned, so I'm hardly an outlier.

I have a wedding to go to next year and I am fully planning on showing up in jeans and bare feet, and I can't remember the last time I dressed up for a funeral.

 

[Geordie]

My family still does not really accept my autism. They say, if I had not been an Autie, I'd contribute a lot more to their families and I'd make their dream come true. For years, they even wanted to 'cure' my autism, but looking at my local autism group's failed attempts to try to move towards that direction, they all have to focus on core adulthood issues: employment, family and legal issues relating to providing for individuals with autism.

I don't know whether this is selfishness coupled with paternalism... But they do not constitute acceptance.

 

[HelloDizzy]

I am not. My contact is basically limited to my father, his girlfriend, my aunt on my mothers side, and occasionally a cousin on facebook or an uncle/grandparent at a countryclub outing. I am just a fixture, the blacksheep of both sides of the family. On my dads side, I'm the screw-up, and on my moms side, I've become the new "whore" since my sister is now too old to be that person. I'm also the "religious nut" on both sides of the family, however that works.

 

[Donein]

YES!!!! I know the invisibility well. I have often wondered what causes it.
I think my Dad is aspie. He has not had much to do with me.
My Mother has a temper and yells--combined with my AS, it's divided us

This is the pattern in my huge family tree. One person has aspergers and then marries a Narcissist or a Borderline or a Histrionic. And there are more personality disordered they could choose. Being on different forums for Narcsissim, Borderline and Aspergers, smart me put the last piece to the big puzzle. Everyone, Everyone in my family , huge Irish,German,Chech, family is disordered. Everyone has chosen an aspergers or a Narcissit or some personality disordered for a mate. This equals dysfunction for the children. We are the children...We have been abused.

Just a note to put you in the right direction. Borderlines yell a lot.... They ususally are dramatic, and easily manipulated. They have been hurt this is why they are Borderline. Some Borderlines will commit suicide, lots of borderlines cut them selves to bleed just to know that they are alive because they have been abused by emotional neglect or physical. If the Borderline has some Narcissistic FLEAS, then they will ususally not cut or kill themselves. My family is Borderline, Narcissistic and Asperger. My husband has histrionic added to this. Your asking how can this be? The reason is the aspergers in his autism has problems with emotions and then they are like the Narcissist or some other disordered BECAUSE both the AS and the NPD or other disorered are Emotionally Unavailable. They find one another , like magnets.

 

[Arashi222]

First I just want to say that not everyone who shows trait like manipulation or yells a lot or whatever has a personality disorder. Most people do not have a personality disorder. AS does not mean you will have a personality disorder either. Nor does it always spell dysfunction for the children either. Children are actually very resilient. People with AS are not emotionally unavailable they just express their emotions in ways that are not typical to the norm. We often have issues with how we are feeling or what we are feeling but we are feeling something. I have degree in clinical social work have studied this a lot .

I am for the most part accepted by my family. I have been who I am for so long that the only one who never did was my dad and he is crazy and hasn't been around since I was 10yrs old. Which let me tell you is a good thing. I was less accepted by my peers. I was in a small private school

 

[total-recoil]

First I just want to say that not everyone who shows trait like manipulation or yells a lot or whatever has a personality disorder. Most people do not have a personality disorder. AS does not mean you will have a personality disorder either. Nor does it always spell dysfunction for the children either. Children are actually very resilient. People with AS are not emotionally unavailable they just express their emotions in ways that are not typical to the norm. We often have issues with how we are feeling or what we are feeling but we are feeling something. I have degree in clinical social work have studied this a lot .

I am for the most part accepted by my family. I have been who I am for so long that the only one who never did was my dad and he is crazy and hasn't been around since I was 10yrs old. Which let me tell you is a good thing. I was less accepted by my peers. I was in a small private school

It's very complex. I do have emotions but they function very differently and I think in family situations emotions interplay a lot. If there is some kind of non acceptance in a family, this can lead to powerful rifts over the years. The non acceptance may be very subtle but is damaging. I have seen it first hand not just in my case but in an entire family since my best friend always somehow seemed to be remote from his father and mother (who in turn maybe unknowingly paid more attention to his sister).
Can't say how it will play out in the future but I hope somehow I can deal with the issue.

 

[total-recoil]

There were times when I failed miserably to cope with this unusual situation but now it is a lot better. The situation is now that I know what the problem is but my family doesn't. Neither could I explain it to them. The situation is as it always was where my mother is far closer to my brother. somehow wants to include me but there is some barrier. The barrier is on both sides because it stretches back many years. This doesn't mean I'm unhappy or have given up. I appear to be doing far better now than at any other time, even holding down a regular job and making some friends. I even appear to be developing a few theories of my own since I find it surprising how groups with different ethnic backgrounds "communicate" or lack of, at work. I find the Polish workers rarely if ever mix with the Indian workers and vice versa and that people seem to disconnect from one another on the basis of something that goes beyond language and race. In my case what is very odd is I communicate with all of them. My belief is we interact with one another in ways we don't yet fully understand and we notice subtle differences that even goes beyond posture, eye-contact or voice tone. This is why so may aspies experience the sensation of being invisible in a group (and highly frustrated by how it could happen).
Actually speaking of invisibility in my case it becomes far far stronger if I'm downbeat but not as bad if I'm upbeat. When I'm "up" I find I don't get ignored as much but when "down" even girlfriends have totally cut me out of conversation in groups as if I weren't there!
P.S. in response to the post about living abroad I have done that. I was once kind of adopted by a Russian woman who grew very fond of me in a sort of maternal way. I also became very relaxed with her and we got on really well.

I have read these posts with interest and several times have come close to commenting, but cannot find words that are adequate. It breaks my heart to read of the troubles that you and the others have endured, total-recoil. There are times when I logout from AC with tears in my eyes, as so many here have undergone such profound pain, and continue to do so. I wish that there was something that I could do help, but of course there is nothing that I can do, and there is likely nothing that will help. Please know that there are people here that DO care.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

I have read these posts with interest and several times have come close to commenting, but cannot find words that are adequate. It breaks my heart to read of the troubles that you and the others have endured, total-recoil. There are times when I logout from AC with tears in my eyes, as so many here have undergone such profound pain, and continue to do so. I wish that there was something that I could do help, but of course there is nothing that I can do, and there is likely nothing that will help. Please know that there are people here that DO care.

sometimes just letting people know you care about their issues is enough. It can be hard when we aspies are so good at isolating ourselves to find another rock to cling too in the stormy ocean of life.