Sensitive Topic Are Aspies prone to be emotionally abused?

[psu2012]

So I have posted a few times about my ex, because it has really been the first time in over a decade that I have felt my aspergers. But for this post I would like to deal with emotional abuse. Throughout the relationship I feel like I gave a lot without ever getting. I was fine with that to be honest, I think because deep down I wanted to overcome having aspergers. As time went on she got more and more demanding, we always did what she did, I was not allowed to have friends because all my free time belonged to her. She wedged herself between me and my friends and made me pick between them, eventually I was left with no one. I go to school about an 40 minutes from her, so I would go home on the weekends and see her, sometimes even weekdays. If I didnt or wanted to use the daytime on the weekends to do schoolwork instead of seeing her on her break when I was alreading seeing her that night, I would be told I am an asshole, and she was going to break up with me. Even when I was at school she would text me constantly and if I did not answer she would call and yell at me. When we would go out she would hit on other guys just to make me feel like ****. She pressured me to marry her and all of my money went to her or for the ring she wanted, her friends and family added to the pressure. After the breakup I discovered she had been cheating on me for the last 8 months we were together with a high school kid. The whole time I loved her and just wanted to be loved and went through hell in order to get it, but it probably never really existed. She made excuses for her actions and said I just couldnt understand, but I think that was just another way to blame me and make me apologize and be abused for her actions. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

 

[Sparticus]

Sorry to hear this happened to you. I know exactly how you feel. Recently I've learned these toxic women and men might have NPD-Narcistic Personality Disorder.

I married & divorced someone from Eastern Europe who is a con artist. Everything she told me was a lie. She picked me out because I'm a "nice guy." Anyhoo she taught me face reading & other "colorful" things. She got rid of all my college aquaintainces & is a total control freak. Her initiation into brainwashing would begin as "no one cares about you or loves you but me" and would evolve from there.

During our first seperation she got rid of my son's dog and 2 elderly cats {the dog almost died in a shelter.} I was going to write a book about my experience. It might take some time to recover & realize there are good people out there.

 

[Aalo]

I see this happening for many aspies too due to their tendencies to be nice and honest and because every social interaction can feel as moral duty, it's easy to go on for too long. Probably at some scale we all expect others to act the same, without realizing when they don't. Or getting that they don't but still giving little more and thinking that maybe it still helps them deep inside, and wouldn't all go in vain for the pretentiousness of another person, it doesn't even have to be narcissistic person. This seems to apply in friendships, but especially in relationship, which might be difficult to obtain, giving lot might seem (desperate for others, natural for the person doing it) act to maintain that relationship.

It seems to me that you've done nothing wrong, and it's good that you did go to school and all despite her actions. Own activities are too precious to left out for anyone. I hope you can realize that you have tried to do good, but are no longer under that demand, no matter if she still comes back expecting some. It can be hard not to become too closed person after these things happening, hopefully you can still remain yourself and have trust in people if you wish. But never forget who yo are and what you need.

 

[Soup]

First off, I'm alarmed by the awful experiences you guys have lived through. Hopefully, the next partner will be someone emotionally stable, supportive & worthy of your time & attention. As for whether or not Aspies are 'prone to being emotionally abused' I'm not certain. I think some Aspies may be more vulnerable & sensitive & have trouble wading through the emotional signals of the NT world. also, some Aspies feel acutely lonesome and/or very trusting & may inadvertently attach themselves & become bonded to the wrong person: someone with bad intentions...BUT, this same situation happens to NTs all the time as well. I think it is probably more accurate to state that predatory people (Narcissists, those with Borderline Personality disorder or people who are just rotters) are good as vetting a crowd of people & targeting those whom they've determined would be most vulnerable to their particular con. Helping personalities may be more vulnerable to someone who appears to be in need, those who value their ability to pay for thing, earn a lot of money & provide may be vulnerable to someone who wants to exploit them financially. Scammmers & deceptive people are good at tailoring their fake personas to suit their agenda. Uncovering their scams may be very difficult: some of these types end up bilking many people out of their life savings & these victims are NOT all or even mostly Aspies: the con artist has practiced hos or her shtick & is a practiced liar. Most of us Aspie & NT just are who we are & nothing in our up-bringing or education has prepared us to confront & manage or even possibly recognize a crafty & skilled deceiver.

 

[psu2012]

Spaticus: Thank you. Its just hard, its been 5 months but it just wont go away. We were together for 2.5 years and I had felt more comfortable with her than anyone else, I almost never discussed my aspergers with anyone outside my family just because I tried so hard to be normal, but I did with her. And then to discover that she was with some kid for the last 8 months, and that they had been sleeping together before her and I were dating (she was 20 at the time and he was 15, now theyre 23 and 18) it really drains me of self worth. I havent felt so alone in years, and part of me just wishes in some way she would at all feel guilty. Instead she has painted herself the victim of someone with a mental illness, but I cant help who Iam. I have heard of that and while I am not qualified to diagnose, it would certain explain a lot. Iam sorry about what happened to you, thank you for responding it does help. I just keep having people tell me to move on, but it is not that simple.

Sportster: I may be joining you in your avoidance.

Aalo: Thank you for your kinds words. I think youre right, its hard to explain but I always wanted to "fix" her. She came from a broken family where her dad cheated and found a younger wife and had a few more kids. She had his selfishness and would throw temper tantrums when she did not get her way. Growing up I had gone through a lot but was able to find a way to forgive and let go of anger, I always hoped to help her to stop being angry. But she had no interest in changing just becoming worse, and her own selfishness was the root of most of the problems I have listed. But youre right, I always try to be a nice guy and expect others to act the same way, especially those I love.

Soup: Thank you. Youre right I know it can happen to anyone, I was just curious if maybe something about aspies made them more vulnerable. And I think youre right, I am kind of lonely sometimes and at first having her around so much was great, it was wonderful to have someone want to spend time with me, but then it became a nightmare.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Sorry to hear this happened to you. I know exactly how you feel. Recently I've learned these toxic women and men might have NPD-Narcistic Personality Disorder.

I married & divorced someone from Eastern Europe who is a con artist. Everything she told me was a lie. She picked me out because I'm a "nice guy." Anyhoo she taught me face reading & other "colorful" things. She got rid of all my college aquaintainces & is a total control freak. Her initiation into brainwashing would begin as "no one cares about you or loves you but me" and would evolve from there.

During our first seperation she got rid of my son's dog and 2 elderly cats {the dog almost died in a shelter.} I was going to write a book about my experience. It might take some time to recover & realize there are good people out there.

That's part of the reason why I hate the "nice women prefer jerks" stereotype. Not only is it am often untrue generalization about women, it also distracts from the fact that sometimes it is the woman who is the jerk. And it distracts from the fact that (in a nice person/jerk relationship) the nice person might have simply been deluded early on about what type of person the person they were with would eventually turn out to be. In an ideal world, good people would always be with each other.

 

[asnlifecoach]

Women and men have to protect themselves from users and abusers. Sometimes when you have asperger's you are a target for an abusive person because you may not see the signs of abuse as easily as a typical person. Same goes for people who were abused their whole life, they don't know what it is like to not be abused so they accept it. We all need to learn the signs of someone using us. If anyone tries to cut you off from friends/family who you enjoy being with then that is a big sign right there. If anyone makes you do something that you are not comfortable with (not just too lazy to do, but have a gut feeling it is wrong or dangerous or illegal) then you shouldn't do it and they are asking too much of you. If anyone yells at you or tries to physically hurt you, sign of abuse and get away fast. Now sometimes you may say something that is taken the wrong way and you may get yelled at...if the person isn't willing to calm down while you talk out the misunderstanding...abuse and get away asap!

What are some other signs that someone is treating you badly?

 

[Sparticus]

Yes I know it's been difficult. They are such charismatic people that we want to believe them. And we feel at home with them for the good things, in the beginning, that they did. To me she was so different from everyone else. She understood what I had been thru with my family. She gave me so much advice that no one else ever did except for my brother T.

Sorry to hear of the experience you have been thru. Sadly I know how you feel. They are like a powerful drug. And sometimes they come back-to see what they can get. I felt like I was on fire...my whole body. And then of course the false rumors she spread in town about me. Lots of fun. :-( I just about caught mine cheating twice. I felt like how you feel now. Over the years she tried to get me to live with her again.

My ex-wife lied & told female neighbors I cheated on her & worse. In Court I caught her committing perjury over and over again with different judges. Not 1 penalized her. Be glad!!!! You have your freedom! If you had a child with her it's possible she would have continued her ways including not letting you see your child unless you gave her $ under the table besides what the Court requested. My brother T died during his divorce. Now you have to survive. Perhaps there are some Yahoo groups about breaking up you can join?

You are going thru the grieving process. For me staying busy helped. I couldn't work for awhile so I kept sweeping & cleaning my new place. Also I was lucky in meeting a woman who saved my life. Otherwise I wouldn't be alive today. I lost 3 waist sizes in 2 weeks. Missing my son was the worst. He was a small butterfly at the time 1-1/2 years old.
Good luck!!!!

Spaticus: Thank you. Its just hard, its been 5 months but it just wont go away. We were together for 2.5 years and I had felt more comfortable with her than anyone else, I almost never discussed my aspergers with anyone outside my family just because I tried so hard to be normal, but I did with her. And then to discover that she was with some kid for the last 8 months, and that they had been sleeping together before her and I were dating (she was 20 at the time and he was 15, now theyre 23 and 18) it really drains me of self worth. I havent felt so alone in years, and part of me just wishes in some way she would at all feel guilty. Instead she has painted herself the victim of someone with a mental illness, but I cant help who Iam. I have heard of that and while I am not qualified to diagnose, it would certain explain a lot. Iam sorry about what happened to you, thank you for responding it does help. I just keep having people tell me to move on, but it is not that simple.

 

[Biblio-Love]

As someone who has been in an abusive relationship, I now set clear boundaries as to what I will accept in a relationship. No second chances, ever! No amount of excuses, begging, or sentimentality will work. Abusers have a way of rationalizing their behaviour and are quick talkers. This goes to for friendships too. People will treat you how you let them. Toxic people will always be toxic, so best to end the relationship at the first signs of disrespect.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Missing my son was the worst. He was a small butterfly at the time 1-1/2 years old.
Good luck!!!!

Oh man, I can't imagine. A small butterfly-an apt description. I had to leave a child I was caring for who was that age, and, without being biologically related, it was excruciatingly painful. I felt almost sick.

 

[Sparticus]

You are right, a lot of women date & marry good men, shy men etc. We are in a revolution of "not generalizing."

That's part of the reason why I hate the "nice women prefer jerks" stereotype. Not only is it am often untrue generalization about women, it also distracts from the fact that sometimes it is the woman who is the jerk. And it distracts from the fact that (in a nice person/jerk relationship) the nice person might have simply been deluded early on about what type of person the person they were with would eventually turn out to be. In an ideal world, good people would always be with each other.

 

[Sparticus]

Thanks! :angel: The pain is indescribable. Felt like my whole body was on fire & I had to save my son. My heart rate was rapidly beating 24 hours for weeks/months? on end. Luckily I was too young to have a heart attack. Please everyone be careful; if you want to get married or have a child with someone, please know them for several years first.

Oh man, I can't imagine. A small butterfly-an apt description. I had to leave a child I was caring for who was that age, and, without being biologically related, it was excruciatingly painful. I felt almost sick.

_________________________________________________________________
Originally Posted by Sparticus
"Missing my son was the worst. He was a small butterfly at the time 1-1/2 years old.
Good luck!!!!"

 

[Tarragon]

This has happened to me also. Reading this thread has been strange. I have had this experience which has damaged me for so long, and I am not alone with this type of experience. It took me a very, very long time to recover to the point I can see that it wasn't me who was to blame, and that there was something terribly wrong with my ex's background/personality. And, I do think that I am partly at fault in this because I was naive and gullible, whether that was aspergers related or not... Maybe. It's too much of a coincidence to not be linked to the common way we seem to be wired. I take people at "face value", which can prove to be a serious mistake. I wish I'd have been here at AC all those years ago. I wasted my 20s being consumed by guilt that it was all my fault, when clearly there was something terribly wrong with her.

 

[Christy]

Some time ago I came across this excerpt from a book on dealing with manipulative people.
Psychopaths In Sheep's Clothing

This summary provides a break down on the behaviors employed when an emotional abuser is at work. I found this very interesting and informative. I can’t always identify what’s going on as it happens, but reflecting later on a conversation I find this list helpful as a checklist to see if they used any of these tactics on me.

It is quite long, but it is well worth the read!

I note it is written with the assumption that emotional abusers are male. I find this unfortunate as women are just as adept at this in my personal opinion (or perhaps even more so given their lack of physical strength).

It was not written with aspies in mind, but the way it has been broken down and explained particularly suits the way I think. I hope it is of use to you too.

 

[asnlifecoach]

Sort of related to the topic:

Mothers with narcissistic personality disorder - Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

 

[HelloDizzy]

I've been in quite a few abusive relationships. Not physically, but emotionally, and within the past year or so I've become much more aware of the nature of people and won't stand for it BUT I still don't always know it's happening! Abuse was just a common theme I've seen in my life, and the Aspie-naivety can really let it go on too long. I trust no one anymore because of this. So it seems to me that we have "very trusting Aspies" and "extremely jaded Aspies" all over the spectrum.

 

[Judge]

It's so very hard for me to trust people in general. Not something I like about myself.

 

[psu2012]

Thank you all for your words of support and empathy (to hell with the idea we cant have empathy). It has been good talking to you all because for so long I just buried my condition pretended it didn't exist and had no bearing on my life. But the truth of it is that it does and I felt it more than I have in years during this situation. But that being said it has all worked out pretty well, I have gone back to neutral and am pretty much the person I was before, the person she wouldnt let me be. I have friends and I am way happier than I was when I was with her, and that isn't just mean being bitter. I have tried to let more people in and share with them that I have aspergers, which seems to help. Going forward I have to remember to not be a sap, but I most likely am, I am still a soft-hearted person, as I suspect most of you are. So theres a real chance that I will date someone else that I want to love and fix, but at least I know that I deserve someone that cares about me.

 

[Johnny]

Two answers:

YES, because the victim has fewer options. Finally finding somebody willing to be your "friend" and the victim then is more vulnerable because anybody else would have avoided the abusive jerk but the Asperger's victim FINALLY at long last, and desperately, finds a sweetheart and walks right into the abuser's trap

YES because the victim FINALLY at long last and desperately, finds somebody but it's not a good match at all and the other person keeps trying to break up, but the Asperger's victim goes nuts trying to keep this one glimmer of hope alive while the reluctant sweetheart becomes angry about it.

 

[LoneHeart]

Yes I know it's been difficult. They are such charismatic people that we want to believe them. And we feel at home with them for the good things, in the beginning, that they did. To me she was so different from everyone else. She understood what I had been thru with my family. She gave me so much advice that no one else ever did except for my brother T.

Sorry to hear of the experience you have been thru. Sadly I know how you feel. They are like a powerful drug. And sometimes they come back-to see what they can get. I felt like I was on fire...my whole body. And then of course the false rumors she spread in town about me. Lots of fun. :-( I just about caught mine cheating twice. I felt like how you feel now. Over the years she tried to get me to live with her again.

My ex-wife lied & told female neighbors I cheated on her & worse. In Court I caught her committing perjury over and over again with different judges. Not 1 penalized her. Be glad!!!! You have your freedom! If you had a child with her it's possible she would have continued her ways including not letting you see your child unless you gave her $ under the table besides what the Court requested. My brother T died during his divorce. Now you have to survive. Perhaps there are some Yahoo groups about breaking up you can join?

You are going thru the grieving process. For me staying busy helped. I couldn't work for awhile so I kept sweeping & cleaning my new place. Also I was lucky in meeting a woman who saved my life. Otherwise I wouldn't be alive today. I lost 3 waist sizes in 2 weeks. Missing my son was the worst. He was a small butterfly at the time 1-1/2 years old.
Good luck!!!!

I had the same type of experience with the same type of girl in my early 20's. She was the bosses daughter and sweetheart of the company that I worked for. She had them all "conned" by her cute face and cute smile. She had an affair with someone that I we worked with, yet convinced everyone that we worked with that I was the one cheating with people being the idiots that they are, they believed her just because I was the guy, and as an aspie I lacked the social skills to defend myself. She took advantage of her social skills and used it against me since she knew I was sort of anti-social. I ended up leaving a good job because of it. I just thank God that I never got her pregnant like she was practically begging me to do. I was thankfully able to get out of that situation and cut off all contact with her. I later learned that she trapped the guy after me and married him though. Hopefully he is a fellow scumbag like her so they can relate to each other and be happily ever after. Lol