Sensitive Topic Are Aspies prone to be emotionally abused?

[I am that which I am]

It sounds like it's manipulation and entrapment because it is manipulation and entrapment.


More manipulation. In a healthy relationship, neither party feels the need to prove something like that to the other.


Nobody's advocating this, especially given the presence of mental illness (though if you mean that getting help for his mental health is harmful, then that's another story).


I'm not necessarily saying he needs to go to jail. But the manipulation, legal or otherwise, has to end. I understand you are concerned for his health and overall well being, but every time you give him another chance, you give him another chance to exploit your kindness. That's one way abusers maintain control over their victims. He keeps saying he's sorry and wants to do better by you, but has he? No. He's gotten you in legal trouble because he claimed you threatened to kill him (yes, I know he was suicidal and ill). Honestly, he's in no shape to be in a relationship with anybody right now. His mood swings and threats have made you feel miserable and exacerbated your depression. You need to be your own advocate, not his. You've done so much for him, but it has only brought both of you more pain. So find a lawyer who can help you with the contract issue and start working for what's best for you.

Yes thank you. I am starting to remember the reasons why I ended the relationship. He does say many things but does not do any of them. I am not sure what a lawyer could do to make him stop contacting me. Him contacting me before this was resolved was an issue which my lawyer could not do much about. He did tell the police which then reminded him that I could not answer. They offered that I could get a restraining order at that time, I saw no point. It would only have gotten him in trouble as he would not respect it. My probation officer did say that if he keeps contacting me she will have to get the police involved. Knowing him he will not stop even if they tell him. This will only get him in legal problems and jail which I would rather avoid. There does not seem to be any other way legally speaking unless you know of one. I cannot contact him without his written permission; they do try to respect his rights as a victim. That is something I would dream of getting when we were still together and is the best anyone can get.

I will block his number on my phone. I talked with my brother about it as well and we agreed that even if I did try to explain to my ex why I broke up with him he will likely only hear what he wants to hear. If I tell him that I still care about his well being and in a way love him, he will misinterpret it entirely. As much as I may like it, he is unlikely to change or get better to such an extent that we could have a relationship. I am not what he wants or needs and will never be. I just have to remember this even when I hear his voice, dream of him, read his messages, feel his pain, remember how it once was. It does not negate what I remember as being bad or inaccurate, it was a moment. There were many positive and negative moments. It simply means that we were not right for each other after all, however desperate either one of us is to believe this. And that is ok, we enjoyed some moments, cried during others, laughed in a few, and shared many things. These moments are what they were at that time and I have to accept that they have passed. They do not need to be different now as I remember them, but I need to move forward and live in the present to make other moments. Such is life. Sorry if this seems strange I am partly writing it for myself to remember and accept.

Sorry about the rants on this subject. It helps to get it out. At least I was able to get out of the situation, there are just these loose ends to tie.

 

[Ereth]

Oh, don't worry. If you need to rant, rant. You're allowed to do that here (as long as you adhere to the forum rules, of course).

You may not want him to end up in jail, but if he can't stop himself from contacting you, that's where he might have to end up. I'm no lawyer myself, but I have attorneys for parents. I could ask them for additional advice if you'd like.

There must be some kind of injunction or something you can obtain to get him to cease all contact. I don't know if a protection from abuse order covers this, but it's worth exploring.

And you and your brother are right---there's essentially no way that telling your ex you still care about his health is a good idea. He sounds like he's far too unstable and codependent to absorb that information rationally.

 

[rollerskate]

When someone disrespects your rights, it's time to do everything you can to protect them and completely drop any caring about how that protection affects that person. They obviously don't care about how their actions affect you. I don't know how many times my husband pulled the "if you kick me out then I'll be homeless on the streets" card on me, but part of gaining my freedom back involved having to completely detach myself from caring about what happened to him. I don't mean wish he's dead, but just let him go and realize he's an adult and in no way shape or form are you responsible for him. It's kind of like what I tell my son when he does something he knows he's not supposed to and has to be disciplined. You did this to yourself, not me. You knew what would happen if you did it. If you didn't want this to happen, you shouldn't have broken the rules. His teachers have been quite impressed with his sense of ownership and responsibility for his actions... And that's why he's like that. I never make excuses for him, never take responsibility for consequences he knew were going to happen even if I'm the one that has to enforce them. Not. My. Fault.

 

[theduckrabbit]

Do not give an abuser an excuse by saying he is unstable. Abusers are very much in control when it comes to controlling their victims by fear. If he was out of control he would be the one with a police record. Unstable, out of control, etc. are convenient ways that YOU relieve him of responsibility for his actions.

Don't be sad, be angry. Hate him with all that you have. When the cord is cut there will be no sweet memories to sulk over.

 

[I am that which I am]

Thanks for the replies. I will try other ways before getting a restraining order, like just blocking his number. If I block his number he may notice and get the hint. I know I am far too soft and am one of those people my brother does not like as much because I find reasons to excuse people when they do wrong, do not take their responsibilities or harm me. At least I do not find excuses for myself. I have to stop victimizing myself in that way. It is unfair to my ex if I do not give him a straight answer as he would get false hopes that we will get back together. I obviously wish it, but in an entirely different universe. Personally I do not believe in the police, courts and justice system so it would be hypocritical to rely on them to help me. I will talk about the steps (as in warning, restraining order, consequences for him) with my probation officer next time I see her. I do not think she is the type that will care for the excuses I make up for him though; she would just apply the law. I would prefer to discuss some sort of middle ground with one of those people. My lawyer is the same, one reason why I preferred him. No idol chit-chat, just a clear plan and results. I hate it sometimes when my heart says one thing and my head another, it happens a lot.

 

[Ereth]

. It is unfair to my ex if I do not give him a straight answer as he would get false hopes that we will get back together. I obviously wish it, but in an entirely different universe.

This is exactly what he continues to exploit. He obviously doesn't care about what's unfair to you, so why should you continue to be "fair" to him? You've done what you can for him, but unfortunately it hasn't achieved diddly squat.

Personally I do not believe in the police, courts and justice system so it would be hypocritical to rely on them to help me.

May I ask why? Or is that too personal?

 

[I am that which I am]

This is exactly what he continues to exploit. He obviously doesn't care about what's unfair to you, so why should you continue to be "fair" to him? You've done what you can for him, but unfortunately it hasn't achieved diddly squat.

No he doesn't care, but I have my own morals.

May I ask why? Or is that too personal?

I just find too many imperfections and crooked people in the justice system as it is called. If can afford a good lawyer you can get away with murder, if you can't you might be convicted despite being innocent. I know these are extremes and they do not happen every day, but it still bothers me. The police also often do not give a crap or care about the people they arrest and throw in jail, sometimes wrongfully. I also believe more in a leave me the **** alone and I will leave you alone kind of system. There are basics (don't rob, kill, rape, harass, injure etc.) but some are a bit too much. This makes me a bit of an anarchist. I do not either believe in putting people in jail either it seems to reinforce their mentality and introduce them to "jail" culture, rather than show them what is better about the beliefs of the people they just harmed. It also prevents them from ever taking responsibility by making it up to the person. (Like stealing, in our system the criminal is not forced to pay the person back). In jail criminals also get free bed and board and some people prefer that over not having a job and living on the street. It does not fix the problem but sometimes instead exasperates it. I personally prefer the aboriginal model of justice, where the offender is made to understand that what they did was wrong, then the society understands why it happened (poverty? greed?), the offender apologizes and makes it up to the person (like paying them back, paying them for therapy they might need for PTSD, etc., and then the relations are repaired and they are reintegrated in society. I know not every case is clear cut and this model does not deal with psychopaths, but these are just 1% of the population we could find another solution for. Perhaps try the aboriginal model and if that fails three times then try jail. It would solve the problem of over crowded prisons. Also mental health should not be dealt with in the same way. In Canada if someone tries to commit suicide and is stopped by the police they might end up in the hospital or they will end up in jail until they see a judge who gives them a fine. This law is too old, no longer appropriate and quite useless if you ask me. Mental health cases (and drug and alcohol abuse) should be dealt with by the doctors rather than the police. That is just my opinion though, and I do not have a wealth of information to back it up. Although we are deviating from topic a bit: Do you believe in the justice system or think it could be improved?

 

[Ereth]

I understand your misgivings about trusting the criminal justice system. It's full of problems here in the United States too. But honestly, if I were in your place, I'd take my chances with it at this point. I'd at least want to try to address the problem through legal channels instead of just hoping it'll go away.

The moral high road, so to speak, is always one I've tried to travel myself. In certain cases, though, turning the other cheek just isn't enough. I consider this to be such a situation. It's good to be good, but don't let yourself get stepped on. There has to be room for self-preservation and protection.

 

[Flinty]

Do you believe in the justice system or think it could be improved?

If something can't be improved then it is perfect, and nothing is perfect. This is a false dichotomy.

I believe in elements of the justice system. The elements you are looking at are not necessarily the criminal justice system in this case. You're likely looking at a peace bond or restraining order in this case, not trying to send someone to prison unless it's absolutely necessary. If I remember correctly, a peace bond applies to both parties, so it might be a kinder, gentler way to deal with this situation.

 

[I am that which I am]

If something can't be improved then it is perfect, and nothing is perfect. This is a false dichotomy.

I believe in elements of the justice system. The elements you are looking at are not necessarily the criminal justice system in this case. You're likely looking at a peace bond or restraining order in this case, not trying to send someone to prison unless it's absolutely necessary. If I remember correctly, a peace bond applies to both parties, so it might be a kinder, gentler way to deal with this situation.

I did not mean that question quite so literally. lol
Thanks i will ask my probation officer about it. I still find it weird that I am saying I have a probation officer; I feel like hiding under a rock.

 

[Kuribo]

I think Aspies probably are prone to being victims of emotional abuse due to a lack of confidence and social awareness.

 

[Andrew_Collins]

Sorry to hear this happened to you. I know exactly how you feel. Recently I've learned these toxic women and men might have NPD-Narcistic Personality Disorder.

I married & divorced someone from Eastern Europe who is a con artist. Everything she told me was a lie. She picked me out because I'm a "nice guy." Anyhoo she taught me face reading & other "colorful" things. She got rid of all my college aquaintainces & is a total control freak. Her initiation into brainwashing would begin as "no one cares about you or loves you but me" and would evolve from there.

During our first seperation she got rid of my son's dog and 2 elderly cats {the dog almost died in a shelter.} I was going to write a book about my experience. It might take some time to recover & realize there are good people out there.

Ive had a similar experience but don't want to go into it here, you should write that book, Im beginning to learn the Aspie personality can attract negative personality types such as what happened to you.

 

[Andrew_Collins]

Hello, I was looking at this thread as I have a dilemma in my marriage. My childhood like yours was emotionally damaging and as an adult I have always found myself drawn to people with difficult personalities ( I read somewhere that as adults we do this as we are still trying to resolve issues from childhood relationships), but I suspect also that these kind of personalities target us because we are easy to manipulate. My husband was definitely a manipulative bully, from very early in our relationship he threatened suicide and used every emotional blackmail in the book when I tried to leave the relationship. He wore me down but I have never been happy, he is never violent but threatens it all the time. I am sure he has borderline personality disorder and possible schizophrenic tendencies. (I am no expert but he talks to voices in his head). I have been his crutch all through our married life taking care of him like a child as he tried to self medicate with alcohol, cigarettes and junk food. He now has serious health problems as well as an expensive smoking and drinking habit that has ruined our finances. I stayed for a long time for the sake of our children however I am now in a position that I can just walk away. What stops me is that I know he will descend into drunken chaos and that this burden will fall onto our children, I know they will understand but he is still their dad and I don't want them to have to do this. He refuses to seek help and we are barely on speaking terms any more. Has anyone else been in this position, I would appreciate any advise?

I know its easy for me to say but i think you should leave, him, you deserve to be happy. Its very difficult to walk away from people that have been in your life for a long time but some people just can't be helped, and like you said people take advantage of us, you have to protect your own well being and sometimes this involves cutting (even loved ones) off.

If they continue to hurt and disrespect you , you have no option but to walk away. I have had to do this, and its a process, but one day you will wake up calm and happy and know it was for the best. You will just have to explain to your children your reasons, and advise them not to be dragged into it too much. The only person who can help alcoholics or any addict is themselves and usually they have to reach the bottom to realize a change is needed. It sounds like you have been the glue in your family and its wearing you down. Sometimes out AS condition makes us put ourselves last, to the detriment of our mental health.

 

[Sparticus]

YOU have no idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First off, I'm alarmed by the awful experiences you guys have lived through. Hopefully, the next partner will be someone emotionally stable, supportive & worthy of your time & attention. As for whether or not Aspies are 'prone to being emotionally abused' I'm not certain. I think some Aspies may be more vulnerable & sensitive & have trouble wading through the emotional signals of the NT world. also, some Aspies feel acutely lonesome and/or very trusting & may inadvertently attach themselves & become bonded to the wrong person: someone with bad intentions...BUT, this same situation happens to NTs all the time as well. I think it is probably more accurate to state that predatory people (Narcissists, those with Borderline Personality disorder or people who are just rotters) are good as vetting a crowd of people & targeting those whom they've determined would be most vulnerable to their particular con. Helping personalities may be more vulnerable to someone who appears to be in need, those who value their ability to pay for thing, earn a lot of money & provide may be vulnerable to someone who wants to exploit them financially. Scammmers & deceptive people are good at tailoring their fake personas to suit their agenda. Uncovering their scams may be very difficult: some of these types end up bilking many people out of their life savings & these victims are NOT all or even mostly Aspies: the con artist has practiced hos or her shtick & is a practiced liar. Most of us Aspie & NT just are who we are & nothing in our up-bringing or education has prepared us to confront & manage or even possibly recognize a crafty & skilled deceiver.

 

[Sparticus]

YOU ARE WRONGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!! IN EVERY DATING FORUM WOMEN REJECT "NICE" GUYS." How many of your girlfriends have married a "nice" homeless man? 0%? Nuff said. Total ********. Online women say "Oh I want a nice guy." Offline they date a heroin addicted biker who beats their cat. Then these women MARRY them.

10 years online dating content creator, moderator, etc Colorize it anyway you want to; but *gasp* there actually are shallow women out there. University studies state many women lie on dating surveys for varied reasons. This is all on GOOGLE.
It's known information for the past 10 years....women aren't perfect and neither are men.

That's part of the reason why I hate the "nice women prefer jerks" stereotype. Not only is it am often untrue generalization about women, it also distracts from the fact that sometimes it is the woman who is the jerk. And it distracts from the fact that (in a nice person/jerk relationship) the nice person might have simply been deluded early on about what type of person the person they were with would eventually turn out to be. In an ideal world, good people would always be with each other.

 

[Ste11aeres]

YOU ARE WRONGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!! IN EVERY DATING FORUM WOMEN REJECT "NICE" GUYS." How many of your girlfriends have married a "nice" homeless man? 0%? Nuff said. Total ********. Online women say "Oh I want a nice guy." Offline they date a heroin addicted biker who beats their cat. Then these women MARRY them.

10 years online dating content creator, moderator, etc Colorize it anyway you want to; but *gasp* there actually are shallow women out there. University studies state many women lie on dating surveys for varied reasons. This is all on GOOGLE.
It's known information for the past 10 years....women aren't perfect and neither are men.

Yes, there are shallow women out there; definitely, but they are not all women, they are some women.
And who says most homeless men are marriageable material?

 

[Andrew_Collins]

YOU ARE WRONGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!! IN EVERY DATING FORUM WOMEN REJECT "NICE" GUYS." How many of your girlfriends have married a "nice" homeless man? 0%? Nuff said. Total ********. Online women say "Oh I want a nice guy." Offline they date a heroin addicted biker who beats their cat. Then these women MARRY them.

10 years online dating content creator, moderator, etc Colorize it anyway you want to; but *gasp* there actually are shallow women out there. University studies state many women lie on dating surveys for varied reasons. This is all on GOOGLE.
It's known information for the past 10 years....women aren't perfect and neither are men.

Yes you are totally right, Ive often heard women say that they like a "bad boy". I had a friend in the uk who had his own business and was a part time teacher, he married a girl from Poland , and treated her like a queen, ( yes she was beautiful) , He even brought over her mum and sister from Poland so she didn't feel lonely, she repaid him by sleeping with his best friend for 2 years behind his back. When discovered she claimed to be sorry ( scared of loosing all the material wealth) he took her back, guess what ,she did it again!!!!, he threw her out , she tried to get a friend of heres to beat him up , told him she was having a baby and is now trying to clear him out in a divorce out of anger. His new girlfriend is also being harassed by unknown people.
My freind dosnt believe this baby is his and is paying for an expensive paternity test, but this woman is refusing to cooperate, now her sister is claiming to have been raped by him.... He was married for 25 years to a lovely woman who i was at school with, Karen tragically Karen died in an accident. I know he isn't capable of doing any of the things he is accused of.... Now this polish woman is seen around town with several men from her own country, one is a well known drug dealer and violent man.

Then I was amazed to read a story of a scottish lady in a magazine who had a comfortable life, and was married to a decent hard working man and had 13 year old son,,,, however this lady was bored and decided to write to a prisoner in the states, who she say "romanced her",, by letter... to cut it short she left her husband and son,,, went over to america upon his release,, and moved in with him, he quickly went back to his old ways and started using drugs and got violent with her, he beat her, and she ended up homeless in a park full of drug users in some rough area.... she went back to the prisoner guy and he was with a new lady ,, so she came back to scotland...but her husband and son refused to speak to her and wants a divorce. Now she has nothing and is living from the state in one room.

 

[King_Oni]

Sparticus adding exclamation marks and "screaming" doesn't really invite anyone to respond in a friendly manner. Your message might be right (or at least right from your personal perspective) but please be a bit more considerate and put punctuation and capitalization where it belongs.

Thank you

 

[Ste11aeres]

Yes you are totally right, Ive often heard women say that they like a "bad boy". I had a friend in the uk who had his own business and was a part time teacher, he married a girl from Poland , and treated her like a queen, ( yes she was beautiful) , He even brought over her mum and sister from Poland so she didn't feel lonely, she repaid him by sleeping with his best friend for 2 years behind his back. When discovered she claimed to be sorry ( scared of loosing all the material wealth) he took her back, guess what ,she did it again!!!!, he threw her out , she tried to get a friend of heres to beat him up , told him she was having a baby and is now trying to clear him out in a divorce out of anger. His new girlfriend is also being harassed by unknown people.
My freind dosnt believe this baby is his and is paying for an expensive paternity test, but this woman is refusing to cooperate, now her sister is claiming to have been raped by him.... He was married for 25 years to a lovely woman who i was at school with, Karen tragically Karen died in an accident. I know he isn't capable of doing any of the things he is accused of.... Now this polish woman is seen around town with several men from her own country, one is a well known drug dealer and violent man.

Then I was amazed to read a story of a scottish lady in a magazine who had a comfortable life, and was married to a decent hard working man and had 13 year old son,,,, however this lady was bored and decided to write to a prisoner in the states, who she say "romanced her",, by letter... to cut it short she left her husband and son,,, went over to america upon his release,, and moved in with him, he quickly went back to his old ways and started using drugs and got violent with her, he beat her, and she ended up homeless in a park full of drug users in some rough area.... she went back to the prisoner guy and he was with a new lady ,, so she came back to scotland...but her husband and son refused to speak to her and wants a divorce. Now she has nothing and is living from the state in one room.

As I said, some women, not all. Telling stories of individual men and women is anecdotal evidence only, one can easily find plenty of stories to support the opposing view.

 

[Loomis]

When saying women do not like "nice guys" it depends on what you mean by nice. Nice is a worthless word.

Women do not like desperate men who ingratiate themselves, fawn shamelessly, anticipate all her whims, and make it clear they are grateful to receive the faintest expression of romantic interest from her. You will lose if you make yourself helpless, powerless, lacking all spirit, putting yourself completely at her mercy as your master and boss.

I do not like women who give me all the power in a relationship.

Women do like being treated well. They appreciate men who do thoughtful things and act kindly if they perceive the man as an equal. Some women want the man to take charge and be dominant. Very few women want submissive men.

Neither men nor women like people-pleasers.