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Aperger's and Envy

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pelecanus87

Well-Known Member
Human beings are a social animal and aspies are disadvantaged at social interaction. As a result, this leaves a lot of room for envy for those better adjusted for social interaction.

How envious are you? How do you cope with it?
 
Envious. Not really. I'm my own person doing my own thing. I find it more constructive to progress than waste time and resources being jelous of something so insubstantial.
 
The NTs I see are not at all better socially adjusted. Just more common.
Well, ok, there is a time or two when I do get a bit envious. Once I went to a lecture about mussels and would have loved to have been able to ask so many questions about the lecturer's research, but of course I couldn't manage that. In a different environment with fewer people, I might have. You know, just one or two other people and about an hour over hot tea and cookies. Or when I went to hear the expert on Kennewick Man talk at an archeology conference. But most of the time the NTs are just more common, not particularly better.
 
And then I sometimes feel envious when I watch neighbors gathering on porches to chat. But then I remember that the problem isn't me so much as there being so many of them and so few of me. Meaning it's like they have an entire culture that I don't share. But I don't want their "skills", I want people who I can relate to.
 
Envy seems pointless to me. Why waste time on it? I don't feel envy. Or jealousy. I am happy for others if they have good things. I may be more motivated around ideas of social justice though. Where it may be that some people appear to be cornering unfair amounts of resources whilst others are in desperate need. Selfishness makes me irritated.

In terms of social communication skills etc. I guess majorities rarely see or appreciate the strengths of minorities, hence our difference is described in terms of deficits . I notice that I think better than many people in many situations. My take on things is often more objective and takes into account more variables. I have useful ideas. Ok so I am not interested in small talk, and prefer silence to social events. What's the problem?
 
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But I am not trying to say I am immune to envy. I do envy. Just not over social skills. I envy over much more important things. Like if someone has the Rare Lion King promo card SB-1 given out at the 1994 Super bowl. But that could be an ASD or NT person.
 
I am missing the envy/jealousy chip, apparently, and cannot be sure that I know how jealousy, actually, feels. As Thinx mentioned, I, too, feel happy when I witness other's success, abundance, happiness, etcetera. I, actually, have to push myself to socialize, so, either way, I don't believe the social aptitude of others would cause me to experience envy.
 
I am rarely envious, although I occasionally feel sad over my own inability to be as spontaneous as I’d like to be.
 
I struggle with envy, not necessarily social skills (sometimes, more below), but seeing other people who are far more successful and I don't feel like I've had much success...

For photography, there is a regular gathering of photographers here who do pub meets, I've forced myself out to one of them because a good friend was also going, I hated it! Yet at the same time I get a sense that the people who socialize better in the pub setting get further ahead in their photographic endeavours...

How do I deal with it, I'm not entirely sure really, I do know that success isn't how many likes you get on social media, ahem, my average Instagram likes are about 20 to 25 per photo, which I see as pathetic when I look at other people, but then maybe I drive myself too hard as well...
 
Someone was asking. What is the difference between envy and jealousy?

Jealousy is when you wish you could have what the other one has.

Envy is when you wish that you had what the other has and wish that they didn't have it.

Hope this answers everything.
 
Definitely have a closer mindset to Sherlock77 and can relate to the photography group thing. However I am a little confused about envy and jealousy. From what I understand, jealousy is when you believe you deserve something more than the person who has it. But envy just means you wish you have something someone else has, but there is no asking who deserves it more. If I am to go by those definitions, I have rarely been jealous and don't understand the point in everyday situations, but envy is something I feel very often because I get the perception that the people who are successful and noticed by those around them are the ones who are outgoing and have a lot of the people skills I don't have.

I tend to envy people who can do things I can't way more than I should, especially in a social situation I find awkward. And I really envy people who can keep a level head under circumstances that would leave me feeling very fragile. Sometimes those people seem cold to me since they don't give something enough attention in my opinion, but after thinking about it, I realize that I probably am the one giving things too much attention, though it takes me days or weeks to realize that and I wish that weren't so. My biggest envy though comes from people possessing certain talents I don't have, but I won't go into that in this post.

My self confidence is poor and I have a hard time being proud of myself for the unique qualities that make me the person I am. Heck, half the time I can't even discern what is really me, and what I have adopted by allowing other people to sculpt and influence what I do, and that bothers me way more than it should.

On the flip side, I wouldn't want to trade my vulnerable, shy, meek tendencies for anything else. In a way, I don't mind overprocessing a little and having a good think about things that bother me, and trying to get down to the bottom of thought patterns that initially don't seem to make a lot of rational sense. I just wish I could put a cap on it which had a slightly more secure fit than I currently have, because right now, it gets out of control a lot.
 
I sometimes wish I had more money, a house in a quieter neighbourhood, money and time to take a holiday once in awhile and travel like my aunt and uncle, but these are just normal desires for improvements in my quality of life that most people have to some extent - I certainly do not wish that my aunt and uncle didn't have these things just because I want them and can't have them.
 
Strangely, I don't really feel any at all. I would like to change things about myself, but I never think about it in terms of having what a particular person has, or feeling as malice toward someone on that basis.

Even if there is someone who might be defined as having some of the things that I want, I never feel envious of that person.

It even took me a while to clue into the fact that at work envy and jealousy fuel many of the actions which people take that would be otherwise unintelligible.
 
I not jealous as one would say but the only thing I wish I had was more of a grasp of the social capabilities/cues like some NT people have. I wish I never have a panic attack at times that goes through my mind when I try to talk to someone. Not knowing how to respond or communicate when I really want to sometimes in a social situation kind of sucks sometimes, but I don’t beat myself over it though since I don’t care how I present myself and I usually don’t worry about that kind of thing....well maybe I do a little.
 
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pelecanus87 said:
Human beings are a social animal and aspies are disadvantaged at social interaction. As a result, this leaves a lot of room for envy for those better adjusted for social interaction.

How envious are you? How do you cope with it?
Click to expand...
I am not necessarily envious of people who are better at social interaction but there are times I wish I was better at it. But wishing will not make it so and I am learning to live within my limitations.
 
I'm jealous of a lot of people, but not ones who are good at social interaction. Sure, sometimes i hate myself for not being normal, but i'm not really jealous of kids who can pass, most aren't that fun anyway. I never really cared about my social skills, it was a sort of secondary thing that wasn't really that helpful. Being told to watch people conversing and learn from it (mom modeled it all the time) was truly a bit annoying. However, i do envy people's art skills because i suck at that :p
I mainly get jealous over things like not being able to wear cute clothes like everyone else because of sensory issues or price, not being able to decently do my hair or makeup when i want to, or people with natural comedy skills whose puns never get booed. Also kids my age who are just randomly youtube stars or do things like "accidentally start a business." I guess the trick to avoiding jealousy is to seek out people who are a bit more (Insert "unlikable" adjective you have) than yourself, it really makes you grateful for what you have. Seeing the mistakes of others or just society in general can be extremely motivational, even if it sounds mean when you put it that way.
 
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